If You're Gone

  A gust of wind blew through the garden causing the branches and vines to sway. Loose strands of my hair whipped in front of my eyes. My head was spinning.

  “I can explain everything. Please… please, Lil, give me a chance to explain.”

  I heard the sound of the back door opening and turned to see Chris standing in the doorway wearing the jeans and gray hoodie that I had grown to recognize.

  “Chris,” I said flatly, staring at him with a blank expression. His eyes were wide.

  “How do you know him?” Brad asked.

  “I…” I looked to Brad and then back to Chris. “How do you know him?”

  “Chris is my brother, Lillian. There are some things I need to tell you…”

  “Your brother?” My jaw gaped open as I searched their faces. “But he…”

  “I’m so sorry,” Chris mouthed.

  “I need to sit down,” I said, my knees trembling beneath me.

  “Of course.” Brad nodded. “Here… come with me. Chris, you should go inside. Check on Mom.”

  “Mom?” I whispered.

  Brad grabbed my hand and pulled me towards an old shed behind the garden where a wooden bench acted as a lean-to for a rusty collection of garden tools. I looked over my shoulder as Chris retreated inside. I watched him disappear into the dilapidated house as Brad squeezed my hand. His touch felt rougher than I remembered. Different. Yet my fingers melted into his. I couldn’t form a solid thought in my mind. Am I dreaming? Or is this some sort of cruel trick?

  “Have a seat.” He dusted a layer of dirt from off of the bench and drew me down next to him, his fingers still laced with mine.

  “What does this say?” I pulled my hand away and slipped the note out of the book. “Please tell me this note explains everything, and that you didn’t just take off and leave me and everyone else…”

  He took the paper from me and closed his hand around it as he dropped his head.

  “It explains some things. Yes.”

  “Then answer me, please.” I shook my head, struggling to take it all in. “Where are we? What is this place? Why are you here? And Chris… why did Chris…” I spit out the questions as quickly as they entered my mind. I looked around at the dilapidated house and the overgrown grass and then looked back to Brad who seemed right at home. Nothing was making any sense.

  “Lil, I'm not sure where to start.”

  As he peered up at me his blue eyes were washed out from the sunlight. I was seeing him differently than I ever had before, remembering that the guy I thought I fell in love with had a rap sheet, adoption records, a lying brother and an entire past that had eluded me over the course of our relationship. As I looked at him, I wondered if the relationship I had been clinging to since May was all a lie. Was it over and I was the last to know? Or is it ending now?

  “Brad, I don’t care where you start. Please just tell me what’s going on.”

  He ran his fingers through his hair like I had seen him do so many times before. Somehow, it was still sexy.

  “This house belongs to my uncle,” he started slowly. “He’s my mom’s brother, my biological mom that is. I know I never told you I was adopted, or that I had a brother, and I’m so sorry…”

  “I already know that you were adopted, Brad. Montana told me… in one way or another.” I let out a heavy sigh. “There are a lot of things you didn’t tell me that I had to find out from other people. Or from the police…” I had to stop myself. “Go on.”

  His eyes widened. “Mom is sick, Lil. Like, really sick. She was looking for me, and when my uncle found my graduation announcement online he tracked me down.”

  The man who came to Lizard’s.

  “That night, after I took you home, he stopped me on the road and said he wanted me to come with him to see my mom.” He finished his sentence with an emphasis as if he was done. The end.

  I shook my head. “And then what? You jumped in his car and never looked back? Brad, this doesn’t make any sense!”

  “No! I never intended to just up and leave the way I did… it was never meant to be for more than a day or two. “Well what happened? Why did you stay?”

  “I… I panicked. I just got so overwhelmed. Seeing her, talking with her, getting to know her again… I didn’t know how I could leave her. My mom isn’t the same person she was when I was a kid.” His tone of voice changed suddenly. More desperate. “Mom’s liver is failing, Lil. She’s dying.”

  “Brad, I’m sorry… but I still don’t understand…”

  “She wanted to find me because she needed me to forgive her for giving me up. She wanted to make sure she found me before it was too late. And deep down, I knew I needed to see her to forgive her, too. Despite everything that happened, everything she put me through, I still love her.”

  His words sounded as though they could have come out of my own mouth. Despite everything, everything he put me through, I have continued loving him. But is love enough?

  “But what about your family?” I asked, dropping my head. “Why couldn’t you just pick up the phone and explain to them what was happening…”

  “I wanted to tell my parents,” he said. “But what would they think? They had lined up a perfect future for me, with a good job, and I was supposed to start college in the fall with the money they had saved up for me for so long. I know it sounds like excuses… but I wasn't sure how to tell them that I was willing to give all of that up to be with the woman who abandoned me when I was ten years old.”

  “And what is your excuse for not telling me?” I wanted an answer, but I couldn’t think of a single excuse that would make it okay.

  “I tried to.” Brad opened his hand, revealing the weathered note. “I taped this to your window, I thought you would see it the next morning.”

  “But what does it say? Does it explain everything you just told me?”

  “It says, I have to go away for a little while. I’m sorry, but please don’t worry. I hope you know how much I love you.” He sighed as he handed it back to me.

  Another lump was forming in my throat. “Five months isn’t a little while, Brad. It’s a long, long time…”

  “I know. I’m so sorry. I didn't think this through, it all just kind of happened.” He put his hands on my shoulders and tried to pull me close to him. “I couldn't tell you where I was going without telling you everything. I mean, it’s like I had this whole different life that I had never told you about and suddenly it was too late to come clean...”

  “So why not just tell me the truth?” I asked, the words barely screeching out. His eyes drifted to the ground. “Brad?”

  “I was afraid,” he finally said. “I was afraid of what would happen if you knew the truth about me. I was afraid you wouldn’t want to be with me if…”

  “I was afraid, too!” I cried. “Afraid you were kidnapped or dead.”

  “I know.” His head was shaking. “Lillian, please... Everything is going to be okay.”

  A flood of emotions rushed through me and tears suddenly began to stream uncontrollably down my cheeks. I threw my hands into the air, jerking away from his grasp as I rose to my feet.

  “Nothing is okay!” I shouted. “I’m not okay! I haven’t been okay since the morning I found out you were gone. No, not gone,” I corrected myself. “Missing. They found a body that was checked against your dental records, Brad. They pulled DNA off your damn toothbrush!”

  “I had no idea…”

  “What did you think was happening, Brad? Did you think everyone just accepted the fact that you were gone and moved on? Did you think no one cared that you were missing? Our entire community has been looking for you!”

  He dropped his face into his hands.

  “I spent the last five months searching for your corpse in ditches and dumpsters, attending prayer vigils, questioning everything I believe in and practically yelling at God because I didn’t understand how He could have let this happen. I lay awake night after night because I couldn’t bear to dream
about you… all because you didn't just tell me the truth…”

  When he looked up at me, I could see tears forming in his eyes. “I’m sorry-so sorry. I don’t know what else to say, you just have to believe me,” he pleaded.

  “Why should I believe you now, Brad?” I cried. “You’re acting like walking away from your life is a perfectly normal, excusable thing. How can I believe anything you say when you’ve done this and kept so many things from me?”

  He wiped his face with the palm of his hand. “I don’t know. I’m just begging you to try…”

  “What about Chris? Did you send your own brother to join in on the search party for you?”

  “What?” he asked. “No, of course not.”

  “Did you know that he was befriending me and acting like he understood what I was going through?”

  He shook his head, standing. “No, Lillian. I swear.”

  “And when you came back to tell me you loved me that night…” I whispered. “Was that your cowardly way of telling me goodbye?”

  “Of course not, Lil,” Brad insisted, reaching for me. “Everything I said that night was true. I came to your window before I ever knew that my uncle was in town. I promise you, it had nothing to do with my leaving. And I love you just as much now as I did then…”

  I struggled to catch my breath, feeling as though I had used up the last of my strength. “How did this happen? How could you let this happen? How did we get here…” My legs were trembling underneath me as I let my body collapse into his chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around me.

  “I am so, so sorry,” he whispered as he held me. “I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am.”

  “It wouldn’t have mattered,” I whimpered, sobbing into his shirt. “I didn’t care who you were before me. All I cared about was who you were when we were together.”

  Our arms remained intertwined for a long moment. Once my crying subsided, I raised my head and looked into his eyes. He lowered his lips towards mine and before I could pull away we were locked in a deep, sensual kiss. My heart was racing and suddenly we were back on my living room floor, sitting in front of the fireplace, embracing each other for the first time. If only it were possible to go back to that day and start all over again. Forget all of this. But as my eyes opened, we were back in the yard, hours from home.

  “Just come with me, Brad,” I said as I motioned towards Anna's car. “You have to come back and tell everyone you’re okay.”

  This time, he was the first to pull away. His hands swept down my arms and caught the tips of my fingers. “I can’t, Lil.”

  “What?” I took a step back. “What do you mean, you can’t?”

  “I can’t leave my mom. Not now. She… she doesn’t have much time left.” His voice broke. “I know this must sound crazy to you, but you can come visit me anytime, we can still be together…”

  “This isn’t only about me, Brad. Your family, the one that raised you, needs to see you too.”

  I searched his face, trying to read his thoughts, but his expression had gone blank.

  “Wait…” I swallowed. “Are you asking me to pretend like you’re still missing? Is that what you’re asking me to do? Haven’t you let this go on long enough?”

  He barely nodded but his eyes blinked as a response. And just like that, without so much as another word, I knew it was over. It has to be over.

  “I need to go.” I reached into my pocket for Anna’s keys and started to back away from him.

  “What?” He extended his hand towards me. “No, don’t go. My mom is inside. I want you to meet her.”

  “No.”

  “Lillian, please. I love you. I’ve loved you this entire time…”

  “Stop! Stop saying you love me after everything you have put me through. I can’t lie to our friends and family and act like I don't know where you are! And if you really loved me you wouldn’t be asking me to do this.”

  “Whatever you need to do Lil, do it, but please don’t leave like this. You don’t understand. I can’t leave her now.”

  He moved in towards me and placed his hand on my waist. Feeling his touch on my hip I held my breath, tempted to fall into his arms again, but memories of the past five months were stronger than the moment. No matter how hard it would be to let go of him, it was my only choice. Choices. For once, I get to make the choices.

  “I have been defending you to the police, my parents, our friends, practically the entire town, from the very first day you disappeared. I swore to myself and to everyone else that you would never have just left us, even after I learned the truth about your past. And I was willing to look like a fool for not knowing so many things about you because I loved you despite all of that…”

  “But, Lil, I love you too. I never stopped…”

  “Wait.” I put my hand out. “I’m not finished. How can I keep loving you when I feel like I don’t even know you anymore? The truth is that everyone else was right about you. You chose to leave. You chose to leave me.”

  “It isn't like that, Lillian. Please, you know it’s not…”

  “I can’t lie to your family and our friends and pretend like you’re still gone, Brad. You have put them through enough. You’ve put me through enough. They deserve the truth just like I do. And if you aren’t going to be the one to tell them, I will.”

  He was frozen with his jaw clenched and eyelids heavy. For a moment perhaps he understood what it was like to have his entire world crashing in on him.

  “Just give me some time to think about this,” he begged. “Please.”

  “What is there to think about?”

  “My mom abandoned me. I can’t do the same thing to her.”

  “And what do you think you did to me?” I whispered.

  His lips parted as though he were going to speak, but no words left his mouth. I hunted his eyes for any sign of compassion. They were blank, almost cold. I had lost him.

  I slowly slipped the chain that held his class ring over my head and placed it in his hand. “Goodbye, Brad.”

  “Don’t do this,” he cried. “Lillian, wait.”

  I pulled the keys from my pocket and squeezed the sharp metal edges into my fist as I turned to walk to the car. I needed to feel the pain to keep me from breaking down. I heard a few soft footsteps behind me, but they stopped. He wasn’t coming after me. I moved as quickly as I could without breaking into a full-blown sprint, slowing only when my fingers reached the cool metal of the door handle.

  “Lillian!” Brad called out one last time. “Please, Lil.”

  I didn’t look up until I was seated behind the steering wheel, fumbling with the key ring in my trembling hands as I tried to start the ignition. Brad stood on the front porch of the old house, and behind him the door opened and a woman stepped outside. She was tall and thin with hollow cheeks, dressed in a long nightgown. The engine let out a low hum as I placed my hand on the gearshift, but I waited a moment longer before I put the car into reverse.

  This frail, sick woman standing just a few hundred feet away from me was the root cause of five months of heartache for myself and everyone else who loved Brad. I wanted to hate her, for what she did to Brad as a child and what she was doing now. But as she clutched Brad’s arm and struggled to keep herself upright, it was clear she wasn’t a villain. She was just as broken as the rest of us.

  I raised one hand towards them to wave goodbye. Brad dropped his head towards his mom in response. I can’t be angry with him for choosing her.

  “I forgive you,” I whispered to myself.

  I felt myself smiling through my tears as I drove along the highway in Anna’s little blue car and I wasn’t sure why. Leaving Brad, watching him reeling in the rearview mirror when I pulled away, was nothing to smile about. Yet I suddenly felt lighter, refreshed even, as I made my way back to town. The sun was setting behind me as though the beautiful burning rays were leading me home. Maybe I am smiling because it's over. Well, almost. It’s over and I made it. I survive
d.

  My phone lay on the seat beside me and I knew I should call the Lees and tell them what I had found, but I hadn’t found the words to say yet. They needed to know Brad was okay, but I wondered if knowing that he chose to abandon them would provide any actual closure. Seeing him, touching him, and looking into his eyes when I told him goodbye was enough for me. They would probably need the same. They, too, would need to know it was over and they had made it.

  16. Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance

  I drove Anna’s car directly to the Lee’s house, but by the time I arrived they already knew what I was going to say. Brad had called them and relayed the same story he had told me. Montana rushed down the stairs to the foyer and threw her arms around my waist when she saw me.

  “You found him! You found him, Lillian!” she shrieked with excitement. “I can't believe you did.”

  I looked up at Janice as she wiped a tear from her cheek. “She sure did, honey.”

  We weren’t all sharing Montana’s childlike enthusiasm.

  “Thank you for all that you have done, Lillian.” Mr. Lee hugged me and then squeezed my shoulders as he looked me in the eye. “You really stuck with us through this whole ordeal.”

  So, now it’s an ordeal. “Honestly, I didn’t know what else to do, sir.”

  “Please, call me Mark.”

  I nodded and offered him a small smile before exchanging goodbyes with the entire Lee family, minus one prodigal son. As I walked down the front steps towards his muddy truck that was still parked in the driveway, I realized Brad was no longer a first-name last-name guy. He was, once again, Brad Colvin. I had to admit it had a certain ring to it.

  I headed to Anna’s and returned her car, offering an abridged version of the day’s events that concluded with, ‘I found him, he’s fine, but please don’t ask me any more questions right now.’ Being the best friend she was, she cried as she hugged me and told me to call her when I was ready to talk. I wasn’t sure what I was ready for, but I wasn’t ready to talk. I was ready to go home, crawl in bed, and forget the last five months ever happened.