by ChaShiree M.
He starts to shake while I’m convulsing. His release catapults inside of me. I feel this intense pure unadulterated pleasure and finally, Nirvana.
I am vaguely aware of words being spoken and being lifted into the air to be set into porcelain with water covering my body. I surmise he has put me in a tub. I don’t open my eyes. I’m afraid the last 24hrs will stop being real and I will be back to reality.
Ren gets in behind me making the water splash. I am looking forward to him holding me close like he used to in the tub. He would wash my hair while we talked about our day and what our plans would be for the night. It was those times of uninhibited intimacy that I miss the most.
“Come baby. Open your eyes. Look at me. I need to see your eyes for the next part of this conversation.”
I am shaking my head like a petulant child, but I don’t’ care. I won’t be awakened from this beautiful dream.
“Ouch.” Did he just pinch me?
“My love, open your eyes and look at me.”
I slowly open one eye then the other. Raising my head at intervals to stare at this Adonis of a male specimen. Looking at him I can read every thought going through his head and sobbing is the only rebuttal I can give him.
He lifts my chin, forcing my eyes to meet his.
Throwing myself at him, clutching him tightly cutting off his air supply. My stomach is not sure what it should do. The guilt never goes away no matter how I try to outrun it, or the different ways I try to repent for my sins.
“Come on now baby look at me.”
“One question Fata: Do you remember who you are now?”
I nod my head as my heart begins to calm. The remainder of the words he used to say to me makes me quiver.
“Yes. I remember.” I tell him.
“Then tell me bellisima. Who are you?”
“Yours. I am yours.” Nothing has ever been truer at this moment.
“Yes Fata, you are mine. But I want more. You know what I want to hear. Tell me.”
“I am your fairy of light. The beholder of your heart. The Goddess of your world. But most of all…most of all, I am your life.”
The fact that I trip over that last word doesn’t surprise me. He too is my life and that is why I’ve felt dead for so long.
“Yes. You are my life.”
Lifting me from the water, Ren grabs the warm towel and dries my body first, then his before taking us back to bed. Tucking me under his arm to hold me close, he is afraid of me leaving. To be honest, I don’t think my heart would let me even if my legs could move. I fall into a deep sleep, something I don’t remember having since I left Ren.
Being woke by the most delicious kisses all over my face, my body prepares for things to be taken up a notch. Instead, the kisses stop suddenly. As I am starting to frown, I hear the door open. Before my eyes could adjust, in comes the reason my heart beats.
“Mom, you’re still here!”
My eyes pop open at the word ‘mom’ and there in front of me is the face of my angel.
“Mom I am happy you are here. I was scared I would wake and you would be gone.”
I can’t get passed the lump in my throat to answer him. Looking at him keeps my breath hidden in my body.
“No, my boy. Your mom is never leaving us again.”
“Thank you dad. You kept your promise because real men never lie.” I am so amazed by the bond they share. It’s beautiful. Wait. Promise? What promise?
“What promise is he referring to Ren?”
“Dad told me when I was four that he would find you for me and bring you home. And he did.”
I turn my head and see the proud look on Ren’s face. Its cute to see he still cares what his son thinks of him. That is a real man.
“Dad, can mom make me breakfast?”
“Of course buddy. Your mama can make us both breakfast. How does that sound.”
“That sounds great!”
I am extremely choked up looking at both my boys. This is a dream come true being here with them. I used to imagine this scenario when I was pregnant. Of course in my world, Ren and I have a few more kids and they are surrounding us, as well as the rest of my family.
My family. Oh shit. My sisters have got to be going crazy right now. Fuck. I hope they didn’t…
Bang! Bang! Bang!
“Who the fuck is that? Tony stay here with your mom OK. I will be right back. I’ll go see what is happening downstairs.” Seeing the fear in my face, he reassures Tony and I that Lucca is here. I mean let’s face it, banging that loudly cannot mean anything good.
“Look out for your mama buddy, OK? I promise I will be back.”
“You got it Dad.” He kisses my forehead and rubs Tony’s head as he walks out.
I hear the banging on the lower level front door. The fear that caused me to leave, returns at the speed of light. My only thought is what if ED is at the door. It would mean I have brought evil into my son’s life. Starting to panic, I feel the need to go into a closet to cry and start packing Tony’s things. I am trying to remember when I stepped in here last night, where all the possible exits are that I can sneak him out. My worst nightmare is coming true. I try to pretend I am not worried but it seems to be all I can think about at this moment.
When I look to my right, I see my son and suddenly all of the fear is replaced with the instinct to protect him at any cost, even my life. Not wanting my son to be worried about what is happening, I realize I need to regain my composure.
“Are you ok baby? Your dad is right. This place is fully protected and I am sure there is nothing to worry about. OK?”
“Ok mom. I’m not worried. Dad would never let anything happen to us. He is the bravest and smartest dad I know. He will always protect us.”
Well shit. Why did he have to go and say that? For one, I can feel my eyes watering at the sweetest thing I have ever heard. Two, how is he smart enough to know that? When I had the chance to believe in him, I ran. It`s amazing the faith a nine year old has. Now I need to show my little man that his mommy is brave too, just like his daddy.
“I know my beautiful boy. That is one of the reasons why I love him so much.”
Going to the closet with the intent on getting a pair of his sweats and a t-shirt to be ready for anything. I was not ready for the closet full of women’s clothes. My stomach instantly begins cramping to throw up to deny what I have just seen. Did I walk into a closet full of clothes for a woman? I have an overwhelming urge to rip everything down and run. My son calls out and I remember I have to protect him.
I grab a tshirt and sweats and head to the bathroom. Dressing, I avoid the mirror. Afraid of what I am going to see, I turn and walk out.
“Mama, do you think Daddy is ok?” I understand his concern at this point. It has been at least fifteen minutes. Regardless of what Ren’s intentions for me are, he is still Tony’s father and he will always be everything to me. I just have to face the facts that when I left him, I betrayed him.
My poor boy shouldn’t have to worry. He is so little and has already endured a lot because of me.
“Sweetie, I am sure your dad is fine. I bet he is giving orders to the guards and is on his way here any minute. Why don’t we figure out what you want for breakfast?”
“I want pancakes and bacon and…”
“Fae, Fae where are you? Fae.”
I am unable to stop the groan that leaves my mouth. I would know that voice anywhere and if he’s here, then I would bet my life everyone else is too. Fuck. This is not how I wanted this to happen, if ever. However, I go to the door because I know it is the only way for the noise to stop. Let’s be clear. I am not ready for the shit storm that is going to happen once I explain everything. The immense feeling of guilt is going to engulf me for keeping this from them. Not going out there will cause an all-out war.
“Mom, who is that?”
I feel my son’s distress and trepidation, thinking someone must have gotten past his father and made it to us. With my back to h
im my ire starts rising. I don’t like anyone upsetting him and this situation is doing that.
“Don’t worry sweetie. It’s my brother. Your uncle Apollo.”
“I have an uncle?” His eyes light up how I would imagine they do on Christmas and that warms my heart. My little man likes the idea of having an uncle.
“Yes my sweet boy. You have three aunts and four uncles. Everyone is going to spoil you rotten. But first, I need to show him that I am ok.”
“Why would he think you were not ok? Doesn’t he know my dad would never hurt you?”
I cup his little face with my hand and kiss his cheek. “No baby. They have never met so he is still a little worried. Its ok. No one will think bad things about your dad baby.”
I open the bedroom door and immediately crash into 6’3’’ of male chest.
“Shit Fae. We have been calling you. Why the fuck did you not answer? Jesus. I thought…you know what we thought.” Before he finished that statement he shakes his head to clear away the fear we all carry. I feel guilty all over again for making them worry.
“I’m sorry. Things happened so quickly and then…”
“Don’t worry about it petal. You need to get your shit and let’s go, before Jairo decides to burn this place down. You know how he gets.”
I smile at the nickname and remember when I was younger my brothers always said I had my head in the clouds. I could be talking about something one minute and then completely change the subject the next. They would tell me I was as flighty as a flower petal, which they shortened and called me petal. I loved it. To have four big strong brothers’ call you something so small and delicate, gave me a special feeling that never went away.
“Apollo, I can’t go. I have to stay here. At least for a little longer to get some things worked out. I swear I will leave my phone on and check in.”
“Like hell you are staying here. Do you know who you slept with last night? This guy is a …”
“APOLLO!!” Yelling is the only way I know how to shut him up immediately, before he says something in front of Tony he will never be able to take back or fix.
“I am fine. I wasn’t kidnapped. And yes I know who Ren is. Listen, why don’t we go downstairs. I’ll put on coffee. Then I need to explain. It is time I told everyone the truth.”
As Tony emerged from the room, it was the first time he obviously took stock there was a kid in the midst. The question I saw in his eyes, I ignored and led him down the stairs. Eying me suspiciously, he reluctantly follows Tony and I back downstairs.
Just as I suspected, when I reached the landing it is obvious my past, present and future have finally collided in the worst way possible. Not knowing what the future might hold for Ren and I, with it up in the air; but what I do know is now I have held my son again, I will not be letting him go. Which means his father and I will have to work out something between us.
There are guns drawn and I won’t have that in front of Tony. His innocence has somehow been preserved, despite who his father is. I will not allow myself or my family to undo that in less than 24 hours.
I diffuse it the fastest way I know how. “Can everyone please put down your weapons? You’re scaring my son.” I know, I know. Maybe I was wrong for dropping a bomb like that, but hey, it worked.
“Son. Fae, what the hell is going on?”
“Leif, Apollo, Jairo, Braxton, Kea, Phoenix and Quetzal. I would like for you to meet my husband Renaldo Antonio and my son Renaldo Antonio Jr. “
The gasps from around the room mean they want answers and right now. For as long as they have known me I have never been with a man, mentioned one or even shown interest in one, which has them confused. I will provide answers to all their questions, but not in front of Tony.
“Please. Everyone sit and I will explain. It’s time you all knew about the life I left behind.
Standing in this room and facing my family, I prepare to tell them about the whopper of a secret that I have kept from them practically half my life. I should feel scared or at the very least apprehensive, but on the contrary, I am anxious to get this off my chest and unburden my psyche. I can feel the liberation coming and it makes me want to dance.
As I go into the kitchen to make coffee for everyone, Ren wraps his arms around me from behind and kisses my neck. It’s a move I’m sure meant to show support and ground me, but I tense up instead. I don’t know where we stand and what is really going on, but now is not the time to discuss such things.
Ren can feel the tension in my body but he also knows now is not the time. So instead he swings me around to meet his eyes while raising his eyebrow at me. I respond by taking a minute step back. Big enough for him to notice the difference, but subtle enough that my family wouldn’t.
“Mia amore, I will take Tony and give you some privacy with your family. Si?”
I nod my head while walking away at the same time. I need this moment to myself to compose and get ready for another life-altering event. Truthfully, I simply need to get away from Ren right now.
One would think the message I was sending to him was loud and clear right. He would take our son and leave, but does he, of course not. At least not right away. He walks in the kitchen behind me and he steps to the side blocking my way to the coffee maker. I can’t help but feel frustrated about his lack of space at the moment. I really need to deal with my brothers and sisters first. Then decide how to handle the rest. But he of course doesn’t care.
“Fata, what is going on with you? Why are you pulling away from me and acting so detached?”
“Ren, I have to go and deal with this right now. Can we talk later please?”
The look of shock on his face is almost comical, if it wasn’t so fucking condescending. He is letting me know that if he leaves it is because he chooses too not because I just requested it. I can’t even bring myself to be affronted. I just want him to go.
My body language must say I am not in the mindset to acquiesce right now because he gives a slight nod of his head. Then he grabs my head and forces his mouth on mine kissing me with a knowledge of ownership. As mad as I am at him, I want nothing more than to throw him on the floor and have my way with him. Instead I push him back with my hands and grab the coffee cups while walking away.
I can hear the door close in the distance as I make my way into the living room and I breathe a sigh of relief. Everyone seems to be on edge right now and I cannot blame them.
“How is this true? When did this happen? How did we not know? Why didn’t you tell us? Who is this guy and where did you meet him?”
Question after question is being fired at me, one right after another and I sit waiting patiently for them to stop. I look each one in the eye and I tell them how sorry I am they had to find out like this.
“Girls, do you remember when I had disappeared for a year and when I got back I was different? Well this is why.”
“When I left the compound and first arrived in NY, I met Ren. He sort of just took me under his wing and then the next thing I knew I fell in love with him and got pregnant. When he found out I was pregnant, he insisted I marry him to give me his name and protection. He let me know every day how much he loved me and how I was his everything. It wasn’t until Tony was born that the fear set in. I was so scared of Dad finding out about Ren and the baby and what he would do to them. A few months after Tony was born I walked out without saying a word to anyone. I vowed to never go back to protect them from dad. But as I vowed to protect them I also vowed not to allow myself any happiness as my punishment for leaving them.”
“Fae, I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone. But why didn’t you at least share with us about Ren?”
“It hurt too deeply to talk about them and allowing myself to acknowledge it out loud would have made me too weak to stay away. For the sake of my son and husband, I had to stay strong and do what needed to be done.”
“Speaking of a son; we have a nephew that none of us knew existed. You had a baby Fae. At 17 years old
and you went through it without the support of your family.” I turn and look at Jairo. His face is a mixture of admiration and anger. I understand because to him his little sister was all alone going through one of the most important milestones in her life. But the statement he made is untrue and unfair to Ren.
“Jairo, I understand you’re upset and somehow you think I’m a victim in all of this. If it was one of the girls I would be thinking on the same line, but the truth is further from that. Ren was with me the whole way. He never left me during the whole pregnancy. As soon as he found out I was pregnant, he demanded we get married. My unborn child and I were going to be his family and we would have his protection.”
“So you are wrong. I did have my family when I went through this. Just not the one I grew up with. I know he is unorthodox considering who he is and what he does, but the year I spent with him was the best ever in my life up until the end. I have never felt more loved, cherished, and special in my whole life. His lifestyle maybe one thing, but the love he had for me and has for our son is unparalleled. Now, I have no intention of walking away from my son again so you guys are going to have to deal. I am not sure where Ren and I stand, but I will always be connected to him because of Tony and I will not have him caught between two families.”
Braxton is the quietest out of us all. I have often wondered as the eldest, what he might have endured and seen in his life on the compound. He never shows emotion and is always so stoic. I love him all the same, but I am always very worried for him; I know from experience, it’s the ones that hold it the closest to the vest, that have the most demons. The fact that this situation has compelled him to speak up, which is always a phenomenon for us, we shut up and give our undivided attention whenever he chooses to speak.
“We get what you’re saying Fae. However, you have to see it from our point of view. We have been all each other has had our whole lives. When we were ripped apart from one another all those years ago, I felt my heart drop down throat. My knees felt weak making me want to buckle and then rage at everything and everyone. Whether you four girls know it or not, you are our single reason for living. Every time another girl was born, a piece of each one of our hearts was given to you. We made a vow to each other to always protect you until the time came when we could get you out. Never did we anticipate that dad would kick us out leaving you defenseless. That was literally our worst nightmare Fae.”