Just an Illusion - EP

by D. Kelly

  “I think people are put on this earth for specific reasons. After the Sara incident, I felt like my reason was up. Like maybe fate intervened that night but it was only a temporary delay. I get how stupid that probably sounds, but I feel it in my gut. That’s why I’m making these videos, Mel. People need to know my hopes and wishes for them. They need to know how much they were loved by me and how much I know I was loved by them in return.”

  I hit pause because my tears are falling too rapidly for me to even see the screen clearly. Noah has to be one of the strongest, most faith-filled people I’ve been fortunate enough to know. Belle was the second, and the fact I’ve lost them eats away at my heart. But seeing him on the screen talking to me fills my heart with the joy I’ve been missing for the last five months. Even though I don’t want to keep listening, I also can’t stop, so I press play.

  “We’ve talked briefly about some of this, but I’m going to whip through it again. My parents and family are well taken care of now. Please don’t cut any of them out of your life or Nate’s. They’ll be your lifeline, I promise, you just have to let them in. I’ve left Jordan enough to pay off the bar and then some. Don’t let him give it back. He’ll eventually approach you … don’t give in. Make sure Nate grows up with his cousins, they’ll be important to him. He needs to grow up with the stability of a good family.

  “I know it’s asking a lot, but please take care of Sawyer, Mel. I can’t even begin to imagine how losing him would affect me. But Sawyer is much more jaded than I am. He’s been through so much pain and loss and this could push him to the point of no return. We’ve never really been apart. Twins have a special bond and ours is going to be severed forever. You and Sawyer are more alike than different, and I’ve watched your friendship blossom. Sawyer doesn’t trust anyone, Mel, and he trusts you. Be his friend, be there for him in my absence. Let him love you, and in turn love him back. You’re going to need each other.

  “I’ve left my portion of the house to you. I’d like you to stay there with Sawyer for now. I understand if it’s hard, but it’s Nate’s home, our home, and it’s a place where you and Sawyer can be safe and heal together. I know none of this is going to be easy and I know you think you’re cursed. Baby, you are not cursed. Shit happens for a reason. Even if it doesn’t make sense to us, there’s still a reason. I know it’s asking a lot, especially now, but trust in that.”

  Pausing the video, I yell out my frustrations. “Fuck you, Noah. Fuck you and your fate, and your reasoning, and your death. You should be here with us, and I’m so angry you’re not. Now I’m just supposed to have faith and believe it’s all for a reason? Hell no!” I hate this feeling, I hate being so angry, and I hate most of all that he’s not here anymore.

  Unpause.

  “You done yelling at me now?” He chuckles, and I love and hate how he knows me so well. “Yeah, I know you’re not going to change overnight and that right now you’re probably pretty fucking pissed off. Truthfully, I’m not happy thinking I may not be around either. I’m going to miss out on a lot of truly epic shit, but that means you have to pick up the slack and enjoy everything twice as much. I mean it, Mel. You better enjoy the hell out of life if for no other reason than for the fact I’m not there to do it myself.

  “I’d never trade it, though. If I had to choose a brief infinity with you, or never having you at all, I’d pick the brief infinity every time. My life has never made as much sense as it does when we’re together. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. And God knows I’ve never been happier or had better sex.”

  Oh God, how I miss sex with Noah. That feeling of being loved while in his arms was like nothing I’d ever had before. Not even with Eli.

  “Do you remember that day on the beach when we talked about there being more than one true love out there for people? I want that for you, Mel. If you’re not getting those fifty years with me, I want you to get them with someone who loves you more than his passion in life. Someone who will make you his passion like I did. And if you can find someone like that, I know he’ll be a good father figure to Nate because he’d never want to hurt you by disrespecting me. You deserve to have a family and Nate deserves to have those brothers and sisters we talked about.”

  Who does he think he is? Encouraging me to find someone in his final goodbye?

  “Now, I know you’re not going to be ready for any of that for a long time but when you are, just remember what my thoughts are. I never want you to feel guilty for loving again, Mel. Life is too short for regrets, and I’m sure Belle will be reminding you to live today like there’s no tomorrow more often than you’ll want to hear it, but she’ll also be right.”

  If only he had known how much harder this would be because I lost them both. How much I miss her hugs, her guidance, and her sunshiny disposition. Damn, I’m really not drunk enough for this.

  “Until you’re ready, maybe you could do something for me. I’m leaving you a lot of money, Mel. Even after taking care of everyone and leaving a very sizeable trust for Nate, it’s still a lot of money. I don’t want to tell you what to do with it, but I know how much you already struggle with your parent’s fortune. I’ve laid out a financial plan with Tony on how much money I’d like to see put aside for your future and Nate’s future, as well as any future kids you may have. You don’t like to think that far ahead, I know, but if you could do this for me it would make me happy because I’ll know you’re taken care of.

  “As for the rest of the money, do something good with it. Maybe a scholarship fund or something to benefit people in some way. Find something you know I would have loved to do and do it for me. Build a legacy in my absence, and maybe my family can help. Especially Rory. I know she’s going to be lost and lashing out, so if she could be a part of whatever you set up, it can help both of you heal. If you wouldn’t mind keeping up the holiday dinners for Dr. Martin and his staff, you’d make me happier than I can even say.”

  Sawyer and Warren did that for Thanksgiving and Christmas; maybe I can take it over from now on. Easter is coming up in a few months.

  “Amelia Weston, you are the love of my life and always will be. I could sit here forever and talk to this camera but to be honest, you’re sleeping naked down the hall and we’re two days into our honeymoon. There’s nothing I want more right now than to go curl up with you and make love until I’m cross-eyed. All these videos have been a necessary evil, but they’re sad and emotionally taxing. I can’t begin to explain how much I hope you’re old and gray as you watch this and laughing about how paranoid I was for nothing. That would be my ultimate wish. Thank you for loving me, for being my wife, and for giving me my firstborn son.”

  He blows me a kiss and the video cuts off.

  After closing my computer, I curl into a ball and turn into an inconsolable mess. Within minutes, Sawyer is pulling me into his arms to comfort me.

  “Why, Sawyer?” My question is nothing new, but his answer is.

  “I don’t know, Mel, but be thankful you got to hear him say he loved you one last time. I know I am.”

  How many people get that in a tragedy? Not many, I’m sure. “I just miss him so fucking much.”

  “Me, too.”

  Sawyer lays with me for hours while I cry and never once lets me go. Eventually, I cry myself to sleep with the images of Noah’s smiling face in the forefront of my mind.

  When I wake up it’s after midnight. I slept the entire day away. The baby monitor is on next to the bed and Sawyer is in with Nate. After using the restroom, I make my way out to go get something to drink but pause at the sound of Sawyer’s voice.

  “Your mom had a rough day today, Nate. She’s going to be okay, though, she’s a fighter. I don’t know if I’ve ever met anyone tougher than her. Your dad was such a romantic, in love with even the idea of love, and his whole world centered around your mom. I think Noah needed closure more than the rest of us, Nate. I love him, always will, but listening to him talk to me after he
was gone was so hard, and what he said … well, that’s an even harder discussion.”

  I wonder what was on Sawyer’s video. I could never ask; they’re meant to be private, I’m sure.

  “Today was your mom’s turn to watch her video, so she’s probably going to have a few rough days ahead of her. Don’t worry, little prince, we won’t let her drift away from you like last time. I promise.”

  Blinking back my tears, I tiptoe away so he doesn’t know I was listening and grab a bottle of water and a few grapes. Noah’s video left me with a lot to think about. Most importantly, I need to go see Tony. Not only to discuss Noah’s estate but because I want to honor his preparedness and do some of my own. The way Belle and Noah were ripped away from me, I want to make sure there are safeguards in place for Nate should something happen to me. It’s time I start honoring my husband and this can be the first step.

  “Hey, Princess, how are you doing?”

  Sawyer grabs himself a water and some Pop-Tarts and sits at the table. Like so many late nights over the past few months, he passes me one.

  “I think it’s time, Sawyer. I need to figure out how to honor Noah. I’m going to make an appointment with Tony.”

  “Alright, it’s time I talk to you about something,” he says hesitantly.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, I just don’t want to make you angry or upset you. And please believe me when I say this is completely up to you.”

  “You’re making me nervous, Sawyer. Just spit it out.”

  His eyes meet mine as he laces his fingers together. “The label has been starting to hound us about releasing an album. We’ve got some tracks we laid down that were never released and they know it. They’re our tracks, we did them here and we don’t owe the record company anything. They’re just trying to capitalize on Noah’s death.”

  I’m not sure how that makes me feel, but my dad’s label did the same thing after he died. Industry standard, I suppose. “How does this affect me, Sawyer?”

  “It doesn’t, really. We’re not doing it. And if we did, it wouldn’t be for the label. We would do it to fundraise for whatever foundation you set up or cause you decide to donate to, but … you do realize you own all of Noah’s music, rights, and royalties now, right?”

  An overwhelming sadness settles over me at the thought. “No, I didn’t. It doesn’t surprise me, but I haven’t looked at any of the paperwork yet.”

  “Don’t be mad, but the guys and I have been talking about how best to help you when you’re ready. We think you could make a huge amount of money to kick off whatever foundation you start by releasing Noah’s EP to you.”

  Those words are like an arrow through my heart and I release an audible gasp.

  “How could you even suggest that? You know how private Noah was! That EP is special to me, Sawyer. You want me to just sell Noah out like that?”

  Sawyer is taken aback. “Fuck no, Mel. We’ll release whatever music you want from the backlist as a fundraiser. We just thought if you wanted to have the most financial impact, it might be something you’d like to consider. There’s a lot that would have to go into it, anyway. We’d need rights and permissions from each songwriter on the EP to even move forward. It’s a longshot at best. But what I know for a fact is Noah let down his defenses and sang to you in a worldwide televised feed. If he thought his music would help a good cause, I think he’d be on board.”

  “But it’s my music, Sawyer! It was my gift. I don’t want to be selfish, but how could I take something so special and commercialize it to the masses?”

  He scoots closer to me and squeezes my hand. “You can be selfish all you want. This is your music, Mel. It was just an idea, one of many. I’m sorry I brought it up. Let me know when you need help. The family is ready to sit down with you at any time if you’d like their help as well. You’re not alone in this, Mel.”

  “Is this what everyone wants?” I ask softly. Why does everything have to be so hard? Why can’t Belle and Noah just be here with us?

  “Wyatt, Darren, and I are the only ones who have discussed this. We want what you want. The only thing I want is to help you move forward. Each day you seem slightly better, each day I feel slightly better. I miss the fuck out of him, Mel, so if I can do something to help honor him and keep his memory alive, I’m all for it. When you’re ready.”

  “I’ll think about it, Sawyer, all of it. I’m going to lie back down.” When I stand, I kiss his cheek and leave him alone at the table. Some days, life is just too hard.

  It’s been a long day. I met with my therapist this morning and Tony this afternoon. The meeting with Tony was completely overwhelming. I don’t know what I was expecting, but finding out how large Noah’s fortune actually is was a big shock. I know I have to do something because all that money can’t just sit in accounts when it could be doing so much good. But what kind of good is the question.

  I also filled out paperwork to make Sawyer Nate’s legal guardian should something happen to me. Darren is the backup if something happens to Sawyer. I can’t imagine separating Nate and Cadence; they’re already so bonded to each other. But if something were to happen to Darren, Nate would go to Diane.

  I’m currently sitting on the beach watching the sunset while letting the day sink in. Wyatt should be here soon. I want to talk to each of them about what they think Noah would want. They’re his brothers and know him better than anyone.

  It’s hard not to sit down here and remember being here with Noah. This house is one constant reminder of him. I’ve thought about moving out, to see if it would help, but the idea of not being here is even more painful than staying. I hate that I’m so confused by everything.

  “Hey, Mel,” Wyatt says, plopping down in the sand next to me.

  “Hey, Wyatt. How are you doing?”

  “Ah, you know … same old same, I guess. Anna is over her morning sickness now, so that’s something good.”

  “That’s really good. I’m happy to hear that. Thanks for meeting me. I was hoping we could talk about Noah and his wishes.”

  Wyatt draws through the sand with his fingers, but his eyes are hidden behind his sunglasses. So are mine, for that matter.

  “Sawyer said he talked to you last night about the EP.”

  “Do you think Noah would want that? His EP out there for the world? You were his best friend, Wyatt. If anyone would know his thoughts on this, I should hope it’s you.”

  “Shit, Mel, I don’t know. I think pre-Mel Noah would have never made that EP to begin with. Noah was gifted, but he was sort of shy. With you he wasn’t, with you, he was willing to share his talents because he knew it would make you happy.”

  “He made me so happy, Wyatt. With or without his talents.” I remove my glasses to wipe away my tears.

  “Honestly, I think Noah would shy away from the whole idea. But if someone came up to him and said ‘Hey, if you release this EP you could save some homeless teens, or fund some college scholarships, or pay for organ transplants for underinsured people’ … Whatever it may be, I don’t think Noah would have hesitated. Being altruistic was Noah’s second nature. The guy loved to spread happiness.”

  “Yeah, I guess he did,” I reply with a sigh.

  “How are you doing, Mel? Watching Noah’s video must have been hard. I know it was for me.”

  “Each day is a struggle, but I’m pushing through. You guys help. Just your texts and being around really does help me want to push forward each day. Of course, Nate is my driving force behind it all. It’s hard to stay sad around him because his happiness is contagious, just like Noah’s was.”

  Wyatt leans back in the sand and blows out a breath. “I know we’ll all be okay at some point, but Noah was my best friend for over half my life. I spent more years with him than I did without him.”

  “That was me and Belle.”

  “Shit, Mel, I’m sorry. Sometimes I forget you got a double whammy in all of this. Well,
not forget, but you know what I mean.”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “I just never thought I’d have a kid Noah wouldn’t be an uncle to. That he’d have a kid and never be here to make that kid as awesome as he was.”

  With a sardonic laugh, I turn and face him. “We’re in the same boat, Wyatt. Cadence’s first birthday is coming up. I want to give her the world’s best party but nothing will make up for the fact Belle isn’t here for it. And in a few months it will be Nate’s turn. Veronica and Karen spend so much time with them and I’m thankful. Diane and Rory and the girls are always over spending time with them. They have family. But the pieces I wish they had the most are gone.”

  We fall silent for a bit and enjoy the early evening and the company of someone who understands.

  “When Anna has the baby you guys should spend more time with us. All the kids should be raised together just like you all were. Sawyer … he’s a great father figure for Nate. Sometimes, I wish Nate had been twins.”

  “Really?” Wyatt asks, sitting back up.

  “Yeah, I wish he had someone to have that bond with, like Noah and Sawyer had. But then other times I’m so glad he’s not. Not only would it have been harder but God forbid something ever happen. I see how hard this is for Sawyer and how much he’s hurting. I wish I could help him somehow, but I think letting Sawyer help us is helping him. I wish that weren’t the case because I feel like we’re holding him back, but I guess he’s like Noah in more ways than I imagined.”

  “Sawyer loves you guys. He’s always been focused on his family, more than Noah ever was. I think it’s because of what went down with J when they were kids.”

  “Probably.”

  Wyatt stands and dusts himself off. “Come on,” he says, reaching his hand down to me. “I need to meet Anna for dinner, but let me walk you back to the house.”