“Yesterday morning.”
“Shit, Katie.” He blew out the candle, and without bothering to cut a slice, took a ample forkful and fed it to me.
“I can feed myself, you know.” My hand covered a mouthful of rich chocolate cake.
“Obviously not.” He smirked. “Otherwise you would have done so before now.”
I swallowed. “Well, I was a bit distracted.” I flicked my eyes to the backyard. “What happened last night?”
“I told John to get rid of everyone.” He cut another piece and put it in my mouth. “Went after you.”
He said it like it was nothing. He asked over a hundred people to leave so he could find me. Friends, colleagues… My stomach dropped. “What happened with Grace?”
He cleared his throat and looked me in the eye. “I’m sure she’s pissed.” He shook his head. “That doesn’t matter now.”
But it did matter. To me it mattered. I had so many questions, but only one wouldn’t go away. “Why did you play along?”
He set the fork down, his jaw tense as he looked at me. “I meant to tell you as soon as I got home, to explain the situation, but then the damned cops were at the door, and I was hearing you were attacked.”
“What about later?”
“I tried to.” His eyes met mine and he raked a hand through his hair. “When she asked me it seemed like a reasonable request. Everyone was already invited. Her friends, clients…her boss. I thought it would make for a clean break. No hard feelings.”
I nodded, then turned to the cake and took another bite. I hated my own insecurity. All I wanted was to enjoy the here and now. To stop thinking about the past or future, but I couldn’t help it. I’d lost people through illness and tragedy. Had my self-esteem crushed by infidelity. But if Jake rejected me…
He grabbed my shoulders and turned me to face him. “I’d do it all differently if I could.”
I nodded again, focusing on his bare chest as I tried to swallow the burning lump of emotion that settled in my throat. I didn’t want to cry again. This should have been a time of new beginnings, but all I could think about was how it would end. Endings were what I knew best, and as morbid as the thought might have been, beginnings were only an opportunity for more of them.
“I’m not perfect, and I never claimed to be.” His voice was low, and the backs of his fingers touched my cheek. “I made a mistake. A big one. I wish I could take it back, to say it will be the last—but I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt you…”
His hands moved up and down my arms as if to warm me. “Why won’t you look at me?”
My eyes brimmed with tears, and I squeezed them shut. Why was I acting this way? Everything about last night said he wanted me. Why couldn’t I shake this uneasy feeling? It was all happening so fast. Just yesterday I thought he was still with Grace. Two weeks ago I was seeing him for the first time in years. I inhaled a shaky breath and forced my eyes up.
His hair was a shaggy mess. The creases in his forehead deep with worry, and a dark shadow of whiskers covered his set jaw. He looked tortured, and his eyes burned into mine with such raw emotion that my knees went weak with the intensity of it.
I crushed myself against his chest, wrapped my arms around his waist, and his heartbeat pounded against my ear. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just scared, I think.”
“Don’t be scared, Katie. You can be angry, or pissed off, or a whole lot of other things, but please don’t be scared of me.”
His voice rumbled against my cheek, and I looked up at him. “I’m not scared of you. I’ve never been scared of you.” I swallowed. “I’m scared about what this is. I’m scared about our past, and our future—”
His lips silenced me, crushing mine with an urgency I wasn’t prepared for. A kiss of passion, want, and need. Telling me to trust him. Not asking, but demanding that I believe in him. In us. He lifted me up and set me on the counter, his hands braced on either side. “Forget about our past.” His nose trailed along my neck, his voice husky and soft. “I’m not the same man I was then. I know what it’s like to live without you, and I never want to live that way again.”
Then he gripped the back of my neck and looked me in the eye. “Our future is whatever you want it to be. Just tell me what you want, and I’ll make it happen.”
Tears ran down my face, and my whole body began to tremble. I opened my legs wider and wrapped my arms around him, needing the feel of his skin against mine.
“What’s the matter, baby?”
“I’ve never felt this way before.” It was as if every emotion filled me all at once. Happiness, fear, hurt, sadness, love. All bubbling to the surface at the same time. So powerful I shook with it. But I wasn’t scared, and I wasn’t sad, I was happy. In love. His mouth covered mine again but this time soft and gentle. Worshiping lips that made me forget about my fears, forget about everything.
“What do you want, Katie?”
For you to love me. But I couldn’t say that. I couldn’t even hope for that. It was too soon, and I was still too fragile to handle that type of rejection. “Make love to me.”
He lifted me off the counter, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. “As you wish,” he said, then grabbed the cake and carried me down the hall to his bedroom.
“Was Kevin really your first?”
Jake’s whispered question startled me, causing my heart to jump. Where had that come from? We’d just had mind-blowing sex, I was practically comatose in his arms, and he wanted to talk about Kevin? Maybe I should just pretend I didn’t hear him? But the question would torment me if I didn’t answer.
“Yes,” I replied, frozen with my head resting on his chest.
“Do you mind explaining to me how that’s possible?”
I could hear the smile in his voice and my body relaxed a bit. “What do you mean?” I asked, thankful to be having this conversation in the dark.
“You had boyfriends. I hated all of them.”
“You did?”
“You couldn’t tell?”
“Well yeah, Dave hated them too—”
“I didn’t hate them like Dave.”
My heart constricted at his confession. “What do you mean?”
He chuckled. “Because I was jealous.”
I pushed up on his chest so I could examine his face. I couldn’t see much in the darkness, but I knew he was smiling. “You were?”
“Very.” He ran his thumb over my bottom lip, his voice rich with amusement. “So, can you explain to me how it’s possible?”
“Well… It’s not like we didn’t do stuff. I just wouldn’t let it go all the way.”
“Why?”
“Why is this so important to you?”
“It just is.” His fingers continued to trace from my chin, up my jaw, to the top of my ear.
“Because I always measured them up against you.” I swallowed before continuing. “You always won.”
He flipped me to my back and rested on his forearms above me. “What the hell did I ever do to deserve you?”
“I can’t even imagine my life had you not been there.” My throat was thick as I looked up at him. “You were with me through everything.”
“I wasn’t there after Dave...” His voice was serious and ragged.
We’d never talked about it before. What happened after our kiss. In fact, all talking pretty much stopped after that. Maybe it was just too heavy a subject after the loss of Dave, but he wasn’t the only one to blame. Maybe if I’d stayed… “I wasn’t there for you either.”
Silence fell over the room as he stared down at me. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”
His words were only a whisper but made my heart ache. I shook my head against the sheets. I didn’t know what to say. He was the one who was unbelievable. I was just me.
“What are you doing Tuesday night?”
My brows knit together. “I have an engagement shoot with Justin and Kimberly, why?”
“What abo
ut after?”
“Nothing.”
“Will you go out to dinner with me?”
I laughed. That wasn’t what I was expecting. “Are you asking me out on a date?”
He smiled down at me. “Katie McGregor, will you please have dinner with me Tuesday night?”
“Isn’t that a work night—”
“Just answer the damned question.”
I giggled. “Yes, Jake Johnson. I’ll have dinner with you.”
“DID YOU GET ANY GOOD shots?” Justin asked, as we walked back to the parking lot from the ravine.
“Lots. You guys are adorable.” I placed my gear bag in the front seat of my car then turned to see Justin throw his arm around Kimberly’s shoulders.
The warm afternoon breeze played with the lock of my hair that escaped from my ponytail, and I tucked it securely behind my ear. Today had been a workout but well worth it. The resulting images would be beautiful—a timeless keepsake of the boy and girl who fell in love.
Kimberly’s cheeks were still flushed from our hike, so I grabbed a bottle of water from my front seat and tossed it to her. “Here. It looks like you could use this.”
“Thanks.” She smiled.
The western sun gleamed on my face and I shielded my eyes. Their shoot had been perfection. They’d moved, laughed, and fit together so naturally it almost made my job too easy. I’d read an article in a photography magazine once. It said you could predict the success of a marriage by how difficult an engagement shoot was. If the author’s words held any merit, Justin and Kimberly would grow old and gray together. The thought made me happy.
But it was still weird seeing Justin like that. Doting over a girl like a lovesick puppy. I’d known him since junior high, and ever since, women have been in and out of his life faster than a fast food restaurant. Just like…Jake.
“Actually, we wanted to ask you about your packages? We’d love to have you shoot our wedding.”
I cleared my throat and focused on Kimberly’s question. I wouldn’t let myself think about Jake and his revolving door—people changed. I smiled. “I’d be honored.”
“We’ve set the date. May twenty-first of next year. Hopefully you don’t have anything booked?”
I laughed a little, knowing she was only being kind. “The day’s all yours. I can send you over the price breakdown when I get home.”
Kimberly grabbed on to Justin’s arm and beamed at me. “We’re going to have an early dinner at that new seafood buffet down the road. Want to join us? We could chat about the wedding?”
I shook my head and bit my lip. “I wish I could, but I already have plans.” I fetched the keys from the front seat, then shut the passenger door.
“A hot date?” Kimberly asked, a hopeful expression on her face.
Heat rushed to my cheeks, and I looked down at my hands. I was hoping to avoid any questions about Jake—last I’d seen them, he had a girlfriend. How could I explain what was going on between us? Especially after overhearing Justin’s warning to Jake on the beach. I cleared my throat again. “Nah, just a friend.” But when I glanced up, Justin’s eyes were focused on me, and he gave me a knowing grin. He wasn’t buying it.
“How does Jake feel about your friend?” Justin asked, his suspicious tone making me uncomfortable.
I swallowed.
“Oh come on, Katie. Who do you think you’re fooling?” He smirked.
“I’m not trying to fool anyone.” But my voice hitched a little. Damn, I’m such a bad liar! I walked around to the driver’s side and unlocked the door. Justin followed.
“Do you know what you’re doing?” His voice was low. Laced with concern and disapproval.
I whipped around and looked him dead in the eye. “Why does every man in my life want to fill Dave’s shoes?” It might have been harsh, but I didn’t want his lectures. I didn’t want another big brother.
“You’re going to get hurt.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Katie…” He looked to the sky and his voice softened. “He cares about you. Don’t get me wrong. But I know Jake. You guys don’t want the same things.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him to go to hell, that Jake and I wanted exactly the same things. But the truth was, I didn’t know what Jake wanted. Sure, he wanted me now. He would probably even want me a few months from now. But in a few years? Would he want me then? Would he want me big and swollen with his baby in my womb? Would he look at me the way Justin did with Kimberly? Would we grow old and gray together? I pushed the thoughts aside.
“How do you know? People change. Don’t you think?” I flicked my eyes over to Kimberly to prove my point.
“Look, we both know I was just as wild as Jake, but the difference was I always wanted a family. I was just looking for the right girl. Jake’s never wanted that. And if you’re honest with yourself, you know it’s true.”
I grabbed the door handle and counted to ten. What he said hurt. Yes, Jake had been very vocal about not wanting to settle down. Not wanting to recreate the family life he’d grown up with…but that was years ago. He was just a kid.
“He’s playing Superman, Katie. That can only last so long.”
My eyes narrowed. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I squared my shoulders. “You think he’s saving me?”
Silence.
“I don’t need saving!” I yanked the door open and glanced back at him. “I know how to take care of myself.”
He held his hands up in a silent surrender and retreated back a step. “I just care about you. I don’t want to see you hurt, that’s all.”
I blew out a breath and took in another calming one. “Justin…” I glanced over at Kimberly, who was twisting the water bottle in her hands. I hated that she witnessed me like that. Justin had always been intrusive. Prone to spilling his thoughts and getting involved in everyone’s business. But he always meant well. I gave Kimberly a reassuring smile, then turned back to Justin with a bit more composure. “I’ll be fine. Really. I know I won’t be able to convince you, but things will be okay.”
Right?
We parted ways, and I drove home in complete silence, but my mind screamed at me. This morning I was floating on a cloud of happiness, but Justin had to go and ruin it. Well, I wasn’t going to let him. He didn’t know what was going on with Jake and me. He didn’t feel the almost out of body experience every time we touched. There was something special between us. There always had been.
The house was empty when I dropped my gear bag on the living room floor, and even though I missed Jake something fierce, I let out a sigh of relief. I didn’t want him to see me before I was ready. And if I was honest with myself, I needed time to let Justin’s comments settle to the back of my mind. I kicked off my shoes, and sat crisscross on the edge of the couch. My stomach ached with regret for the way I’d left things with Justin. Even if he was being a complete and utter ass, I knew he was doing so because he cared. I grabbed my laptop off the coffee table and typed out an email.
Hey Jus,
I feel horrible about how we left things. Please send Kimberly my apologies. She looked so stressed when we argued, and I feel awful. I know you can’t help yourself from being a pain in the ass, and I know you’re just looking out for me, but I’ve never been happier in my life. Please don’t worry. And please don’t say anything to Jake about you knowing. He should be the one to tell you himself.
I’m attaching a price list with my friends and family rates. If you would still like me to shoot your wedding, I’d be honored.
XOXO,
Katie
As I hit send, the heaviness I’d been carrying the whole ride home lifted. I snapped my laptop closed, and leapt from the couch. When I opened the door to my room, a waft of fragrant strawberries filled my nose. There on the nightstand stood a huge bouquet of fruit. Large ripe berries, some dipped in chocolate, some not. Pineapple cut in the shape of flowers, and various slices of melon, oranges, and grapes. My hand flew to my mouth, and
I let out a gasp. Closing the door behind me, I walked slowly toward the arrangement like if I moved too fast, it would disappear. A white envelope was nestled between the fruit, and my heart pounded as I opened it.
I was going to send flowers, but I thought something naturally sweet and covered with chocolate was more appropriate. Just like my Kit Kat. See you at 7.
Jake
My eyes brimmed with tears, and I started to giggle. I was torn between the need to both laugh and cry. I plucked a stem of pineapple from the arrangement and jumped on my bed to read the note again—just like a silly teenager. A slow grin spread across my face and I began to laugh. Not because it was funny, but because never in my life did I expect to be here. To be in a relationship with Jake, with him sending me chocolate-covered fruit and sweet messages. I might not have been able to say the words to him just yet, but they bubbled inside me begging for release. “I love you, Jake Johnson! I love you, I love you, I love you!”
Two hours later, I stood in the bathroom wearing the new black lace bra and panties I’d purchased just for tonight and watched the spider I’d just smashed swirl in the porcelain bowl until it disappeared. Justin was wrong. I didn’t need saving. I could take care of myself.
I took a deep breath and studied my reflection. My long hair was curled in perfect waves, my eyes smoky and vibrant courtesy of YouTube tutorials, and I felt sexy, powerful, for the first time in my whole life, worthy.
With my bottom lip held firmly between my teeth, I entered my bedroom and pulled the little black dress out of the closet. The one that was too short, too low cut, and made me look like a total sexpot. Butterflies swarmed in the pit of my stomach as I considered the short length of fabric held by strings on the hanger.
For a moment I hesitated, but then swallowed my nerves and quickly slipped it over my head. The fabric clung to my body perfectly, hugging every curve like it was made only for me. I stepped into four-inch heels as nervous energy coursed through me. Tonight was special. An official date with Jake, and no matter what happened in the future, I never wanted to forget this moment. I took a cleansing breath, plopped my lip gloss into my little black clutch, and snapped it shut. I was ready.
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