by Jane Linfoot
That’s the funny thing. All that time at uni he never let on he could ride. I push thoughts about children right to the back of my head. Just to make sure, I visualise a pirate trunk, slam the lid hard and then sit on it. It seems to have worked.
‘No saddle?’ I say, wondering how Johnny is staying on the horse’s bare back without stirrups. ‘Why don’t you fall off?’
That seems to amuse him. ‘You sit deep; it’s all about balance. A couple of minutes of bareback riding is the most fun there is.’ He slides down and the next thing is he’s standing beside me. ‘Want a go?’
He has to be joking. ‘Definitely not.’ I’m not known for my good sense of balance.
‘Here.’ He takes hold of my hand and pushes it onto the horse’s neck. ‘Grasp his mane, bend your knee, I’ll give you a leg up.’
‘Waaaaaaaaaahhh…’ Somehow, before I know what’s happening, I’ve landed on top of Snowball and his body is warm and solid underneath me. His mane is curiously coarse and wiry as I clamp my fingers around it and hang on for dear life. ‘A-Alice has got enough p-problems, without a bridesmaid with… with a b-broken neck.’
‘Okay up there?’ Johnny doesn’t look at all sorry. ‘Are you going on your own, or shall I come too?’
As it happens I don’t have to answer that, because a second later Johnny gets up behind me and next thing I know his arms slide past my sides.
‘Just relax,’ he says, which might just be one of the most stupid things anyone has ever said to me. ‘Move with the horse. We’ll take it slowly, he’s got a very smooth pace.’
There’s a lurch and then the horse’s back is swaying in a gentle rhythm as he walks.
‘Like it?’ Johnny asks.
In a strange way, I already do. ‘Maybe.’
‘You can see over the hedges.’ He laughs. ‘Hold on tight, we’ll go into the field, then we can go a bit faster.’
As we go through the open gate and speed up, it gets bumpier. But the horse’s back is broad, Johnny’s arms are clamped around me. And suddenly when I look down, the ground is whizzing past my feet and my breath is being knocked out of my body every time the horse hits the ground. If I weren’t panting so hard it would almost feel like flying. We go once around the field and come to a breathless halt back by the gate.
‘So how much fun was that?’ Johnny slides back onto the ground.
A second later I follow, slithering down Snowball’s flank. I’m breathing in the sweet musky warmth of his coat as my feet thud onto the ground again.
‘Johnny, have you got a child?’ So much for slamming imaginary trunk lids. It’s out before I know, although that raspy croak sounds nothing like me. My mouth is parched and my pulse is banging in my ears as I wait for the reply.
‘A child?’ Johnny has the reins in his hand and he screws up his face as if he doesn’t understand. ‘You know I have.’
I certainly do not. This is news to me. ‘I do?’ It comes out as a squeak. For a moment I feel like I’m going mad. However many times I’m supposed to have heard this, right now my legs don’t feel strong enough to hold me up.
‘I definitely told you. Jake, he’s twelve.’ He sounds as matter of fact as any guy talking about the kid they’ve had for – well, twelve years.
Let’s face it, if this kid is twelve, Johnny’s had long enough to get his head around it, even if I haven’t. As if I’d forget something as major as a child. I lock my knees, try to shut out that my stomach has dematerialised and do the maths. So Johnny’s had Jake the whole time I’ve known him. So much for what we were saying about not knowing people at uni. Seeing as there’s no reason on earth why this should matter to me a jot, I shut out the howl in my head. Instead I go for the next normal question that pops into my mind. ‘So is he coming to the wedding, then?’ And then there’s the deafening silent sub-text. What about his mum?
‘No, he had a better offer.’ Johnny’s dismissive head shake could be about anything. ‘Disneyland with his grandparents. They wanted to take him before he got too old to enjoy it.’
‘Shit.’ A child who’s close to growing out of Disneyland? That’s a big child. You hear about twelve-year-olds who are taller than their mothers. And we’re back to her again. ‘I mean brill. Who doesn’t love Mickey Mouse? And the US of A?’ I’m hearing myself jabber.
Johnny shrugs. ‘I think it was maybe a Frozen Spectacular rather than Mickey. And it’s actually Paris not Florida.’
He’s talking as if it’s all so familiar. Like he picked up a Disney Knowledge package from the labour ward, along with his child. And, of course, his partner.
Johnny slides his hand up the horse’s neck and springs up. With one easy movement, he’s astride the horse’s back again. ‘By the way, have you had chance to talk to Alice yet?’ And we’ve moved on from kids as fast as we got onto them.
My nose is on a level with Johnny’s knee and I’m flailing to find some meaningful information to pass on. ‘She’s miserable enough to be wearing my slippers. Eating crystallised ginger like there’s no tomorrow. And I think she knows she hasn’t been that easy to be with.’
‘Excellent.’ He’s grinning down at me as he gathers the reins. ‘Sounds like we may need the carriage after all.’
He gives an upwards nod. ‘And if I didn’t know better, I’d say that sky was full of snow.’
Now I’ve heard it all. ‘No, everyone says it’s too cold to snow.’ Not that I know shit all about weather.
He laughs. ‘That’s what they said yesterday. It’s way warmer now than it was last night, you can surely feel that, Fi?’ As Johnny squeezes his legs against Snowball’s sides, the horse tenses. ‘Great, well, enjoy your walk, then. I’ll find Dan and catch up with you soon.’ And the next moment the horse is tearing off towards the house, his white tail streaming out behind him.
And I’m left, opening and closing my mouth, staring up at the clouds.
40
Friday, 23rd December
At Rose Hill Manor: Boudoir specials
Getting Alice and Dan together to talk when a) the first guests are starting to arrive and b) they’re going out of their way to avoid each other, is easier said than done. Eventually I half shoo, half tempt her up to the bedroom.
‘Okay, here’s the Winter Warmer I promised.’ I push her onto the sofa and shove a tumbler into her hand. ‘You’ll feel way better when you’ve had five minutes away from the buzz.’ Lucky for me, Quinn’s disco is both migrane-inducing and non-stop, which was a great excuse to head up here.
Alice leans back against the cushions and takes a glug. ‘It’s great to get away from the noise and those scented candles smell very soothing.’
Which means they’re doing exactly what it says on the tin. I’ve lined them up along the mantelpiece and I’m thanking my lucky stars Alice’s forward planning provided us with so much choice in the candle box. ‘They’re vanilla. Calming and warming. Just what you need.’ I send her a reassuring smile. I chose them because the label claims vanilla’s a natural aphrodisiac. But I’ll keep that bit to myself. ‘Here, why not put on my Uggs too?’ Can you tell I’m pulling out all the stops here?
‘Thanks.’ She’s looking at me quizzically as she pulls on my boots. ‘You look nice tonight. What’s different?’ So much for the softer Alice. She’s still dishing a good backhanded compliment.
I squirm under the scrutiny. ‘Maybe it’s the dress?’ Poppy’s playsuit to be exact, but I’m hoping it’ll conform to Alice’s smart clothes request, as demanded the day she arrived. Even if it’s technically still shorts, most people would read it as a skirt, and it has to be better than ripped denims. ‘I don’t often wear bright pink, but I fell in love with the flamingo print on this one.’ It goes with my flamingo pyjamas too, so no one can accuse me of an uncoordinated travel wardrobe.
She nods. ‘It makes you look more grown up. Older, but in a good way.’ There she goes again.
‘Thanks.’ Right now I feel about a hundred and ten. Take it from me
, if you want a relaxing life, don’t ever get involved in your sister’s wedding. I glance at my phone for the sixth time in as many minutes. When Johnny promised to be along as soon as he could, I assumed he meant today not tomorrow.
She shifts on the sofa. ‘Lovely as this is, I mustn’t stay up here too long.’
Maybe a sleep-inducing candle would have been a better choice if I’m hoping to keep her until they come. ‘Actually…’ Given they still haven’t arrived, it might be best to ’fess up here. ‘Dan’s on his way. I think he might want to talk.’
She shakes her head, closes her eyes and pinches up her mouth. ‘I’m not sure I have anything to say to him.’ Not very helpful.
From what Johnny implies, I suspect Dan may feel the same way, but I can’t tell her that. ‘I think he may want to apologise.’ Nor can I let her know how much I’m relying on the alchemy of those vanilla candles. ‘It might be nice if you could say sorry too? For upsetting him, if nothing else?’
She gives a sniff. ‘I don’t know about that.’ Never giving in is what makes Alice strong, but at times – like now – it’s maddening.
‘You two are so great together, you just need to reconnect.’ I’m pleading here, even though, right now I could happily shake her. ‘Remember how much better you are together than apart. How miserable you’d be without each other. How much you…’ I’m about to say ‘love each other’, but there’s a tap on the door. ‘Come in.’ And for goodness sake hurry up.
‘Hi…’ Johnny’s head comes first, then Dan follows. From the way he does a leap, then staggers forwards, I suspect he’s been propelled by a mighty push from behind.
As for Alice falling in love with him all over again, he’s looking more ill than hunky. Fingers crossed her candle-induced lust can see past the bags under his eyes. As for escape-room games, if there was a key for this door I’d lock these two in and bugger letting them out after an hour. I’d only let them out when they promised they wanted to marry each other.
I grab my bag and make a run for the landing. ‘Great, we’ll see you two later, then. Have fun.’ It’s only when I’m out I realise I left my car keys on the table.
41
Friday, 23rd December
At Rose Hill Manor: A frosty reception
How long should you wait outside a door when there’s a potential reconciliation going on which you may have to help with?
After two minutes, I look at Johnny, who’s leaning against the wall next to me under the sloping ceiling of the landing. ‘I’m guessing if Dan was going to get thrown out, he’d be with us by now.’ So I take it that’s a good sign.
Johnny frowns. ‘If it’s any help at all, he’s feeling very guilty for chickening out and not showing up sooner.’
If we’re swapping confessions, I’ll throw in my contribution too. ‘And possibly, deep down, Alice does see she’s been slightly exacting.’
He sighs and taps his fingers on the wall. ‘So there should be some common ground.’ After five minutes, when the door is still closed, he looks back at me again. ‘Maybe we’ve done all we can here. For now.’
‘They might need some privacy too.’ Thinking of the vanilla here and hearing their low voices on the other side of the door is encouraging. But the smallest sign of make-up sex noises, I’ll be out of here like a shot.
Johnny shakes his head. ‘Believe me, they’re a country mile away from that.’ Which sounds a lot less hopeful than I’d thought.
‘If they do make up, I’ll have to race across to Brides by the Sea to pick up some dresses for tomorrow.’ Hopefully Johnny will miss that Alice’s as yet un-chosen wedding dress is one of them.
‘I could run you into St Aidan now,’ he says. ‘So long as you don’t mind a van full of welding gear. I’d still be back in time to take Dan to the farm later.’
Given where my car keys are, it’s an offer I can’t refuse. I mean, it’s possible Alice and Dan may not come out of there until morning. And I’m torn between thinking I can’t stand a whole trip to St Aidan with Johnny, and thinking it might be the last chance I ever get to drive with him. Not that I’m wishing my life away, but three short days from now, whatever happens with the wedding, Christmas will be over. And we’ll all be saying our goodbyes and heading off back to our lives again.
‘How about we sing along to some Christmas tunes?’ I say, as we climb into his van. Singing seems like a suitably safe way to fill the silence. ‘If we don’t grab our chance to be cheesy, it’ll all be over for another year.’
He laughs. ‘I offered you a ride, I didn’t sign up for a singalong.’ But despite his protests, he’s soon happily hollering along to ‘Frosty the Snowman’ as we bump along the back roads into St Aidan. What’s more, he seems to know all the words to The Pogues’ ‘Fairy Tale of New York’. And ‘Christmas Wrapping’ by The Waitresses, too.
Just for a few miles I can pretend he’s how I used to think of him, before the awkwardness between us, before I found out he had a family. What’s weird is that for all those years, when I’ve thought about him, it’s always been as a single guy. Alone. Just like me. Somehow in my head, even though time moved on, he always stayed how he used to be. It never dawned on me he’d have a wife or a partner, let alone kids. Which shows how much I was dealing with daydreams. How much it was just me and my wishful thinking. As we pull up into the mews, the sparkle of the shop windows against the darkness of the street brings me back to real life.
‘I’ll be as quick as I can,’ I promise, flicking on the lights on the stairs up to the studio. ‘If you don’t mind coming up, I could use some extra hands for carrying.’
Just like everyone else, once we’re upstairs, Johnny heads straight across to the windows. ‘What a view.’
‘Everyone says that,’ I say, as I whisk along the slips and tops on the rail, pulling off the ones Alice liked and slipping them into dress covers.
He’s craning his neck to get a better view of the beach between the rooftops below. ‘The breakers look amazing in the moonlight. And you can see the lights of ships out at sea. I’m surprised you ever get any work done up here.’
I laugh as I pick out some sashes, ribbons and delicate diamanté belts. ‘I actually do my best work sitting on the beach.’
‘Fi.’ He’s staring at me. Hard. ‘Nice dress by the way. What happened to the shorts?’
I roll my eyes, but only because it’s taken him so long to catch up. ‘Alice sent them on a Christmas break, expect them back Monday.’
As his brief smile fades, he’s still lingering by the window. ‘Actually, I was thinking about what we were talking about before.’
Alice and Dan, Snowball, Christmas songs, Mickey Mouse…? ‘Right.’
‘About Jake.’
‘Oh that.’ I force out a smile. ‘I’d almost forgotten.’ No way am I going to say I’ve barely thought about anything else since this morning.
Johnny clears his throat. ‘He was born when I was at uni doing my first degree. His mum and I aren’t together. We went out briefly and she found out she was pregnant later. That was why I was doing the kind of post-grad degree where I got paid – so I could support them. And why it was vital I went straight on into a job once I finished.’ The words mount up in the silence of the studio.
‘You had a baby all the time I knew you at uni?’ And somehow managed not to say? I’m not sure which part I’m most shocked about. Both facts eclipse the relief that he’s not with Jake’s mum. Although that’s not to say he isn’t with someone else.
‘I didn’t broadcast it at uni. It wasn’t something twenty-year-old students related to. Some dads in my situation run a mile, but I wanted to be involved. Take full responsibility.’
I laugh. ‘So you were right. All that talking and I didn’t know you at all.’ Not that I should have, given I was just another girl in the downstairs flat.
‘I loved hearing about your dreams to see the world. It was like an escape. With a baby to support, I assumed I’d never get to go a
nywhere, ever.’
‘Shows how little we knew, doesn’t it? You were heading for an ace job that let you travel anyway.’ If my laugh was light before, now it’s got a bitter ring, which I really didn’t intend.
‘I know I didn’t tell you about Jake at uni, but I definitely mentioned him later. Didn’t you get in touch when you came back one time?’ He screws up his face, as if it’s a distant memory. Which, let’s face it, it is.
‘I’m not sure.’ Except I am. Because I only got in touch the once. That time I crashed back home a few months into my disaster gap-year trip, to be with Gran, pinning all my hopes on Johnny wanting to be with me. I’d never be that pathetic now. When he didn’t reply I threw my phone in the harbour. It’s probably still there.
‘Why I remember is Jake was in hospital with meningitis. I tried to ring later, but I couldn’t get through. So I texted back and obviously I mentioned him, to explain why I hadn’t replied sooner.’
I know zilch about kids, but I do know meningitis is every parent’s nightmare. ‘Shit, was he okay?’
Johnny shrugs. ‘There were complications, it was tough, but he pulled through.’
‘Phew, that’s good.’ It takes seconds to sink in. All those years ago, when I gave up on him because I thought he wasn’t interested, he was in hospital with his son. And he actually texted back? And tried to ring. If a steamroller had run over my stomach, I couldn’t feel any flatter. Or any more crushed. ‘I changed my phone shortly after I got back, but back then they gave out new numbers with every handset. So that would have been a text and calls I didn’t get.’ My voice trails off.
‘And I always assumed it was because of Jake that you didn’t reply.’ He rubs his head, then clamps his hands behind his head. ‘Well, who’d have thought?’