RETURN

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RETURN Page 12

by S. C. Deutsch


  She found the letter, obviously having been folded and refolded several times. The boy’s name was Makil and the letter radiated love with every sentence written. Ana started crying again. Folding the paper carefully, she tucked it in Makil’s shirt. Checking the rest of his pockets, Ana found nothing more.

  Retrieving the knife from where it had fallen, Ana cleaned it in the sand and replaced it in its sheath. Kneeling, she started digging, pushing the sand away so it wouldn’t run back in the hole. Jax helped and between them, they dug it deep enough to hold Makil’s body. Ana gently pulled him into the grave, making sure he was on his back, and crossed his arms over his chest once she felt he was properly positioned. She removed the letter from his shirt and placed it under his folded hands, telling him she would find his parents when she returned to the mainland. Ana took several moments to consider the boy’s knife, then decided it was his, not hers, and placed it over the letter. The spear was placed on Makil’s right side.

  Ana and Jax covered the body, leaving a small mound to mark the site. After smoothing the sand, she went down to the shore and started collecting shells. When she had an armful, Ana returned to the grave and decorated it, spelling out the boy’s name first and creating swirls and designs with the rest. Tears streamed down her cheeks, dripping off her chin and leaving wet blotches as they plopped in the sand below. Despite knowing deep inside that the boy had left her no choice, Ana still regretted not being able to stop him before it went this far. Wiping her nose on a sleeve, Ana blew Makil a kiss, then turned away. Picking up the discarded clothing, she slowly dressed, grief making her feel like she was moving in slow motion. Calling Jax, Ana secured the knife around her thigh, slung the pack over her good shoulder, and resumed the trek, Jax trotting ahead. She slowly made her way away from the scene of the fight, not looking back, and continuing until well after night fell.

  8

  Chapter 8

  Week 3

  Day 1

  Ana hurried to complete the preparations, hoping there was still enough time to do everything needed in order to safely ride out the coming storm. She could feel her grip on reality slipping and wanted to make sure everything was in place before becoming lost to the hallucinations. The visions had started encroaching, making it hard to concentrate, so Ana chose to think about one task at a time, making sure it was complete before moving to the next. She started by removing the two bandage strips from the pack, laying them at the base of the tree she had selected. Next, she cut holes in the remaining green coconuts, drinking from two and placing the remaining three under another tree further away. She nestled them in the sand in an upright position, making sure they didn’t fall over and spill their contents. Setting the pack alongside the coconuts, Ana removed her shoes and called Jax over. She asked Jax to watch the items, then took a piece of rind cut from the top of one coconut and returned to where the strips lay waiting. Sitting at the base of the tree facing the trunk, Ana placed one leg on either side, tying the ankles together with a knot that would hopefully stay put.

  Ana was now struggling to keep it together. Everything around her had started separating into jagged pieces and the colors were beginning to hurt her eyes. The sand had turned to lava, flowing and smoking as it heaved across the landscape. The doom that had been continuously seeping out from the jungle had now become visible, turning into a black smoke that reached out with coiling tentacles, each one coming a little closer before they dissipated in the slight breeze. Moving as fast as possible, Ana quickly whittled the piece of coconut rind down and placed it between her teeth. She tossed the knife out of reach, then lay back with both hands clenched and waited for the flashback to overtake her.

  This was the third time Ana had slipped into the hallucinations and she was learning to recognize the signs indicating one was imminent. She was also learning what precautions were needed in order to keep from injuring herself or possibly others, although it was hard to determine with any certainty what exactly would transpire while she was locked in the flashback’s grip.

  The first one had occurred shortly after Ana returned to the mainland. She had gone to sleep, feeling a little off but putting it down to trying to adjust to everything she had recently been through. Unable to remember anything other than blackness and horror when she woke, Ana found herself huddled in the back of her closet, all the clothing pulled from their hangers and heaped over her head. She was shaking uncontrollably, covered in a clammy sweat, and was petrified to leave the little nest that had been created. Ana could hear Jax scratching at the door, so she toed it open slightly, allowing the little animal to enter. Jax had burrowed under the clothing, checking Ana over before cuddling as close as possible. Ana had remained hidden until well after sunup, unable to overcome her fears of what she believed lurked beyond the closet door. It was only after seeing the sun’s rays filtering through the gaps in her burrow that she felt secure enough to face the day, finally convinced that the terrors only existed in the dark. Ana had slept in the closet for three days after that, checking the bedroom thoroughly several times before locking herself in, and using bedding to create a shelter instead of piling the clothes on top. Even after returning to her bed, Ana had pulled the blankets over her head, feeling like something was out to get her. It had taken almost a month before she felt able to handle the hours between sundown and sunup with any degree of confidence.

  Ana had been in school when the next flashback hit. She had just started on an incredibly difficult exam, one that would determine her final grade for the class. Staring at the front of the room, she saw holes appear in the wall and green slime start pouring out. Ana looked at the instructor and saw the woman had grown black leathery wings and a set of horns. She instinctively knew what was coming and forced herself to remain calm. Not wanting to undergo the nightmare in front of her classmates, Ana had hastily stood up, knocking the school tab on the floor and earning a surprised look from the rest of the class. Placing one hand over her mouth, she told the instructor she was going to throw up and quickly fled the room. Running as fast as possible, Ana made it to the bathroom just as the floor started to tilt crazily and the walls started bulging in and out. Locking herself in the farthest stall, she had wedged herself between the wall and the toilet and wrapped her hands over her head.

  Ana had come around flat on her back, a distinguished face peering down at her with a puzzled frown etched across the forehead. The dean had kindly asked if she was okay and Ana had replied that every now and then she suffered a seizure when she was stressed out and failed to make sure to eat. Because of the exam today, she had skipped breakfast, and now realized that had had been a mistake. Ana told the dean she needed to get back to class to finish the exam, to which the dean had replied that she was excused for the day and could go home if she chose. Ana had politely refused, assuring him she would be fine. She made no mention of the fact that she was not up to answering any questions her parents would pose and had no intention of seeing a specialist, which she was sure her mother would insist upon once the details of what had happened reached her. In addition, Ana was prohibited from discussing the flashbacks and the reason for them, making it much more preferable to return to class despite the aftereffects now creeping in. Ana told the dean if she could just get some food and water, she would be back to her normal self in no time. The dean told Ana he was going to write a report for her file, and she pleaded with him not to, forcing a few tears while promising not to let it happen again. Eventually, he relented and accompanied Ana while she got some snacks from the commissary before leading her back to class. Upon her return, Ana noted that less than an hour had passed, and it raised her hopes that the short duration meant the flashbacks were fading. But she still made sure there was always someplace safe to flee to just in case there was the chance of another one coming on unexpectedly.

  Turning her thoughts to the rapidly intruding hallucinations, Ana closed her eyes and tried to avoid thinking about what was to come, having no idea how long or how ba
d the episode would be. The last time she slipped, there had not been the same feeling of terror that had occurred the first time, although she felt uneasy for a couple of days after. Today, however, Ana could already feel her heart racing and her body erupting in goosebumps. The sky had turned black and the tree she was now tied to had grown skeletal limbs that were reaching for her. When she closed her eyes, monsters appeared out of the dark, pointing with bony fingers that shot fire before floating away over a hellish landscape compromised of rotting bodies and rabid creatures. The air was full of shrieks and moans, and it hurt Ana’s ears to listen. She turned her head to the side and reopened her eyes, figuring the flowing lava beach was better than what waited behind the closed lids. Ana knew there was no way to stop the horrors forever, but the longer they could be put it off, the better.

  Ana had thought long and hard about the flashbacks and what might trigger them, spending hours discreetly researching different psychosis in an effort to discover anything that could help minimize the ordeal. Unable to find many answers without delving into what she was afraid would raise red flags, Ana had concluded that extreme stress was most likely what set them off. The two she had already experienced had both had been preceded by intense emotions and extremely stressful situations and the current situation was no different. The flashbacks had been one of the reasons Ana had opted to take Tai Chi. She had hoped the meditative quality of the discipline would keep her calm and allow her to focus, allowing time to at least prepare when she felt a flashback coming on. Ana was positive that the coming episode was bought on by the events she had experienced since returning to the island, culminating in the trauma of a few days ago.

  Ana had been unable to put the fight and subsequent death of Makil out of her mind, no matter how hard she tried. It replayed over and over, one long continuous loop that never ended no matter where she was or what she did. Starting from the point where Makil had confronted her with the spear, it presented every detail of the events, missing nothing and forcing her to relive all that had been said and done. As soon as she reached the part where she buried Makil, her mind returned to the beginning, and the scene started all over again. Each time it replayed, Ana tried to tell herself that there was nothing else that could have been done, but her mind refused to accept these attempts at justification. Instead, it kept looking for something she might have done differently, something that would have kept Makil from dying. When it couldn’t find anything, it went back to the beginning and replayed the entire thing once more.

  Ana had walked away from the grave without a backward glance, guilt and grief overriding everything else. She neither saw what lay in front nor heard the surf pounding away to the right, only seeing the visions her mind continuously played over and over. The past two days had been a blur, the pair walking until Ana dropped from exhaustion. Jax had been the one that kept the two of them on a straight path, tugging an ear if Ana started to stray towards the jungle or the sea. Jax was also the one who had kept the pair alive, finding and retrieving coconuts, and prodding Ana until she became aware enough to cut them open and drink. As soon as the thirst was banished, Ana had slipped back into the trance, not seeing anything but the fight and Makil’s death, until the next time Jax roused her. This had continued for the past two days, not ceasing until she woke this morning. Ana had slept where she had dropped the night before, only waking when the sun struck her full in the face. Sitting up and rubbing her eyes, Ana had finally taken note of their location for the first time since leaving Makil’s body behind. The grief was still there but it was no longer overwhelming, and she was now able to focus on herself. Ana had cried more in the last two days than in her entire life, leaving her exhausted, wrung out, and suffering from a constant low-grade headache that intensified every time the tears started again. Today, though, the tears stayed put, the headache had disappeared, and she was able to gather her thoughts and concentrate on the rest of the journey. The guilt was also receding, her mind finally accepting that there was nothing that could have been done that would have changed the final outcome.

  While the grief was easing, Ana’s anger, however, was growing. Already furious with the way the government treated its citizens, especially its children, the rage had become a white-hot ball burning in her chest. She found it monstrous that the government, which always proclaimed they only wanted the best for its citizens, would abandon a child simply because he missed his ride. Ana wondered how many other children had suffered the same fate and how many simply committed suicide, either immediately after the boat left or later, when they realized nobody was coming back for them.

  Ana had silently vowed, again, that she would do everything in her power to stop what was happening. She promised herself to make good on the vow to Makil, finding his parents and letting them know what had happened, even if it took years. Ana had risen from her prone position and entered the sea, rinsing off the blood and sand that still covered her. She had removed the outer clothing in order to scrub whatever stains lingered, redressing in the wet clothing as she did not want to wait for them to dry. Returning to the beach, she scoured the area, finally finding two small, green coconuts close to the jungle. Steeling her courage, she dashed in and grabbed them, then ran back and sat down, calling to Jax. Slicing both, the two consumed the meat after drinking the small amount of liquid the fruit contained. Ana then rose and picked up the pack and the knife, called Jax, and set off, more determined than ever to find her way to the rendezvous point as soon as possible. How she would handle everything else would be something to worry about once she finally got there.

  Ana found herself slipping back into the memory of the fight several times while walking but was now able to push it away if she tried hard enough. The tears still threatened whenever the memory surfaced and Ana was sure it would be something that would always cause both grief and anger, but the emotions were becoming more manageable the further in the past the fight became.

  The pair had been making good time, only stopping once when Jax found coconuts. Knowing she needed food almost as much as the juice, Ana had eaten whatever flesh could be scraped off the skin, sharing it evenly with Jax. Thin and sweet, it had provided enough sustenance for her to feel a little stronger, at least for a while. Placing the remaining coconuts in the pack, Ana continued the journey, Jax comfortably nestled on her shoulder once again.

  Ana kept the pace even, looking straight ahead, and only concentrating on their present path. Until weird things started to appear out of the corners of her eyes. Thinking at first that she was suffering from lack of food or water, Ana swiped her hands across her face before turning her head in search of whatever had caught her attention. When everything looked fine, she had shrugged it off and continued on her way, putting it down to the glare from the sun. But when the sand in front of her turned red and started moving and deathly screams began emanating from the sea, Ana realized what was happening and rushed to make sure she was as safe as possible for however long this episode lasted.

  She had rapidly thought about the steps she should take, knowing she needed to get someplace safe as well as being able to stay in that location while stuck in the nightmare. Not knowing what might happen while in the grip of the flashback, Ana wanted to make sure she didn’t run screaming into the sea and drown or end up in the jungle and get lost. Worse than that was the fear she might see Jax as some sort of monster and try to kill the little animal. Ana had realized fairly quickly that being tied to a tree would keep both of them safe, provided the knots held and Jax stayed away during the entire ordeal.

  Ana had thought about tying her torso to the trunk of the tree but was worried that if she struggled too hard or seized violently, it might result in a cracked rib or serious lacerations from the binding. There was also the possibility of bashing her head violently, possibly suffering a concussion or fractured skull. There was no way to tie her hands together, so tying the feet would be the only way to make herself immobile. The rind was to keep from biting off her tongu
e or breaking her teeth. During the first episode, the tremors afterwards had been so bad Ana could hear her teeth clacking. Her jaw had been sore for days, either from gritting her teeth or from the uncontrollable chattering. During the second episode, Ana had chewed the inside of one cheek raw, leaving her mouth full of blood when she woke. She hoped to avoid both fates this time by giving her teeth something to clench while her body spasmed.

  Tossing or placing anything that might possibly cause harm out of reach, Ana was confident Jax would bring them back when she came back to reality and requested the items. Laying on her back, Ana placed her hands at her sides and dug them into the sand, hoping she wouldn’t use them to cause herself harm or injure them if she tried to escape. She tried to relax, using the Tai Chi training to control her breathing, as the nightmare slowly overtook her.

  When the flashback finally ended and delivered Ana back to consciousness, the sun was low on the horizon, another glorious sunset painting the sky. She was hugging the tree trunk, drenched in sweat, and sore over every inch of her body. Her eyes hurt and there was a sensation of bugs crawling under the skin, causing her to scratch until she started to bleed. Forcing herself to stop, Ana reached forward and attempted to untie the knot binding her legs, despite the uncontrollable trembling in her hands. When she was unable to work her fingers into the fabric to pry the strips apart, Ana realized it had been tied too tight for her to undo it without help. Calling weakly to Jax, Ana lay back down and placed one arm over her face, trying to replace the desire to scratch with thoughts of Jan and his soft smile. When Jax hopped on her chest and lightly tugged her arm, Ana sat up slowly and asked her companion to retrieve the knife.

 

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