“You don't have to pretend to go to the bathroom to get some privacy,” he told me as he stepped out of my way and allowed me to pass by him and into the kitchen. After I'd dropped Rhea off at her friend's house for a play date, I'd come back to the house for awhile, intending to get most of my work done from home. It was easier than facing Gary's gaunt face. He'd sat outside all night long in his car, just waiting for me to come outside. When I had that morning, he'd gotten out and sat on the hood. When I'd come back, he'd done the same. It made me want to turn the house into a fortress, barricade all the doors and windows and just hide away. Nathaniel wouldn't let me, but he also couldn't force me to go anywhere, show the world what was happening. A couple of Glen's friends worked at the office next door to mine. If they saw what was going on, they'd tell him. That was for sure. It was Saturday, so maybe I was being paranoid, but I wasn't going to take any chances.
“What are you talking about?” I asked as I poured myself a cup of coffee and pretended not to be mortified. I sipped it black, savoring the bitter bite on my tongue. I found myself glancing at the clock and realized that it was almost time for him to leave. Disappointment flooded through me and I felt a frown cross my lips before I could stop it. Nathaniel just kept this wicked, little smile on his face.
“I can assure you that if you request it, I won't listen in on your conversations.” I bet you're wrong about that. You'd definitely want to hear about these ones, I thought, but I said nothing aloud.
“Thanks. I'll try to keep that in mind.” I took another sip of coffee. “I was thinking, on Sunday, when you come back, if you'd be willing to teach me to shoot. I don't need to learn anything fancy, just how to point and click in case … in case anything happens.” In case I have to shoot Gary in an altercation. In that scenario, the gun wouldn't be the problem, my emotions would. I just didn't know if I'd be able to do it.
“Of course,” Nathaniel said and I could see that he was more than happy to oblige. He put his hands on the countertop and paused for a moment, running his tongue subconsciously across his lower lip. My eyes followed the motion and then flickered away to stare at one of Rhea's drawings on the refrigerator. “I don't mean to alarm you, but can I make a suggestion?” I nodded. “If this doesn't stop soon, I think you should consider applying for a CHL.” I stared at Nathaniel and tried not to squeeze the ceramic mug too tightly.
“What makes you think I'd need to carry a concealed weapon?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant, but instead I think I sounded angry. Not at Nathaniel but at Gary.
“Just as a precaution,” he said as he dropped his hands by his sides. “I know he hasn't tried anything yet, but that could be because I'm here. If you were to stop by your office in the evening or on a weekend … ” I cut Nathaniel off, determined not to go there.
“Thanks for the advice,” I said and although it came out sounding a bit snippy, I really meant it. “I'll look into that.” I set my coffee cup on the counter at the same moment the doorbell rang. Nathaniel answered it without another word and welcomed a stoic Cedric into the living room. The two of them whispered for a moment before they both came back over to talk to me. “He's still out there, isn't he?” I asked. It was Nathaniel that answered me.
“He's touring the house across the street.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I snapped. The house opposite mine was the gem of the neighborhood with a backyard full of fruit trees and three stories of brand new siding that towered over my little rental and threw it in shadows during the best part of the day. It had been up for sale for quite awhile now, lost in a drowning housing market. Gary and I had planned on buying it because I loved the neighborhood. That was just weeks before I'd left him. Like I said, cold turkey. He hadn't given me a warning or a transition period. He had just changed into a different person and left me reeling. “He can't possibly still be considering buying it.” Nathaniel and Cedric glanced at each other, but neither of them said a thing. I slammed my coffee cup down on the counter and tried to control the font of rage that had just opened up inside of me. “I'm going over there,” I said suddenly. My fear of Gary had just dissipated in a cloud of anger.
“I wouldn't advise that,” Nathaniel said as I moved past him and grabbed my coat from a hook near the front door. He followed after me, Cedric in tow, but didn't stop me as I opened the door and started towards the street. “The way he's been acting lately is a bad sign, Theresa. He's like a bomb that's ready to explode.” I ignored Nathaniel, even as he kept pace with me, a perfect column of darkness in his suit, hair showing the slightest hint of red when the sun hit it.
“I don't care,” I said, feeling angry not just at Gary's recent behavior but all of it. I felt tricked by him, used. He'd fed me a false personality, tricked me into liking him, made me feel wanted. Then he'd flipped everything around and started threatening me. It wasn't fair; it just was not fair. I couldn't keep getting the short end of the stick. I deserved to be loved, didn't I? Rhea and I deserved the house with the fruit trees and the wraparound porch, right? I hadn't told anyone, but I kind of had my heart set on that house. It might seem stupid. I mean, if not Gary then someone else might swoop down and buy it, but there was something about him doing it that just set me off. And it really had nothing to do with the stalking incidents, at least not in the forefront of my mind. This was about the principle of the thing, and sometimes principle is all we have.
“I'll wait outside,” Cedric mumbled as he took a position by the front door. I grabbed the knob and let myself in. Nathaniel was right behind me.
The realtor, a pretty woman in a red suit jacket and black pumps, was staring at me like I was crazy. Gary, who looked much better now than when I'd seen him earlier, smiled at us, ever the perfect gentleman in a charcoal gray suit. His hair was slicked back and he was clean shaven. He was even wearing the watch I'd given to him for a wedding present.
“Good, you're here,” Gary said as he put his hand on the realtor's shoulder. “Miss Aimes, this is my wife, Theresa.”
“Ex-wife,” I corrected, feeling this tiny sliver of fear work its way into my heart. It was cold and sharp, a painful reminder of the e-mails and the phone calls and the way he stood outside my window and stared. God, Theresa, what are you doing here? Gary's smile faltered but only briefly. Miss Aimes looked confused.
“Theresa, honey, don't be so cruel. I didn't put in the offer without you, now did I?” he said, like this was all some big, stupid joke. I glared at him and forced myself to swallow past the fear.
“You're not buying this house,” I said and Gary held up his hands in surrender.
“Okay, not this house then. I thought you liked it is all. We can look at other houses.”
“We're not looking at anything,” I told him, feeling brave with Nathaniel at my back. It might've been because he was a bodyguard or because he was armed, but I don't think so. I just liked having him there. His presence was comforting. I glanced at him briefly and noticed that he'd taken up an overly professional position with his arms crossed in front of him, sunglasses back in place. I knew it. It's a defense mechanism. “You're leaving. Now.”
“Theresa – ”
“Now!” I said, but the only person that was startled by my voice was Miss Aimes.
“Maybe we'd better call it a day?” she suggested and her voice was mousy and weak. I hope I never sound like that, I thought as Gary's brown eyes found mine. They didn't look the same as they had before, when we'd first met. Back then, they'd be gentle and friendly, warm. Now, they were shiny, too shiny, like Gary wasn't really home. This man might've looked like Gary, talked like Gary, but he wasn't Gary. There was no soul behind those eyes, just want, hunger. It scared me, really scared me.
“Theresa,” he said again and his eyes found Nathaniel, gave him a once over that said volumes about his opinion of the man. “Why don't we talk about this outside?”
“Why don't we,” I said, but my voice had lost some of its oomph. Miss Aimes let us out, carefull
y locking the door behind us. When she saw Cedric, she nearly had a hear attack. After she was done, she practically ran to her car; she didn't even wait for us to get off the porch.
I stood there with Cedric and Nathaniel at my back, feeling protected but kind of silly, too. What if someone were to drive by and see this? What would they think?
“Theresa,” Gary began, but I cut him off. I really didn't feel like listening to him talk. The things he'd said in his messages and his e-mails had been enough. When he stepped forward, I moved back and he paused. Gary licked his lips and glanced over at my house.
“Please leave me alone,” I said. I didn't beg, just asked. My voice was calm and assertive but not aggressive. Gary's eyes swung back to me and held onto my face, searching for some emotion that I wasn't giving him. The shine was still in his eyes, but he seemed marginally more sane now than he had when he'd been standing outside my house that morning. Maybe he'd started taking his medication? I mean, I didn't know if he had any or not, but it was the most plausible explanation for his flip-flopping behavior. Gary had a mental disorder of some sort, I was sure. “Just stop,” I told him. “I don't love you anymore.” I paused. Love. It was such a strange concept. It was something that should be everlasting, something that could wipe out any disagreement or hurt or pain, and yet, it was, more often than not, the cause of those very things. And in my life, it'd always come in short, little bursts that faded faster than they'd begun. It made me question if I'd ever even had it all. I told Gary so. “In fact, I don't think that I ever loved you, Gary.” It was harsh, and as soon as I said it, I regretted it. Even though I knew it was true.
I felt Nathaniel shift behind me, but he didn't say a thing. Neither did Gary. He just stood there with that strange glaze in his eyes and looked at me like I was the crazy person.
“And we're not getting back together, do you understand that?” Still, no response. “Gary?”
“I love you, Theresa,” he said before he descended the steps and disappeared.
CHAPTER 12
Cedric and I were playing a game of chess when Rhea came through the front door. I stood up quickly and caught sight of her friend's mother, Sheila I think it was, disappearing down the front walk. I'd asked her to walk Rhea to the door, but I guess she hadn't felt the need to say hi to me. I supposed it was because Sheila was one of those lunching, married-to-a-doctor type mothers. She didn't work and spent all day driving around town in her Escalade, shopping. I, on the other hand, was a twice divorced single mom with a business to run. I wasn't included in her preppy little club which was fine by me, but I still found her behavior rude. It's why I always took Jamie to school functions. “Oh, you're a doctor?” she would say and put her arm around my waist, making me fidget. “Well, I'm a lawyer. And a lesbian. Ever get some from a chick? Beats nasty old dick any day.” I sighed at the memory and watched to make sure that Rhea locked the door behind her. No sign of Gary since the house incident, but I wasn't going to write him off just yet.
Rhea paused and raised her eyebrows at the sight of the big man.
“Where's Nathaniel?” were the first words out of her mouth. I gave her a half-smile and kissed her head.
“Did you have a good time?” I asked as I got her a glass of juice that she didn't ask for. I was overcompensating. How stupid. When she gave me a weird look, I felt cornered and blurted out, “He doesn't live here you know.”
“Duh,” Rhea said as she scooted past me and down the hall. “But why is he here and not Nathaniel? Do you have two boyfriends or something? What would Dad think?” I rolled my eyes and tried to resist the urge to tell her that I didn't give a shit what her dad thought. He left me because I had cancer. He left me because he never loved me, because reproduction was more important to him than I was.
“Are you hungry?” I asked instead.
“No,” Rhea called out, voice muffled by her partially closed bedroom door. “We had duck breast with apple honey sauce.” And then she slammed the door closed completely. Cedric was shaking, obviously trying his best not to laugh. I put my hands on my hips.
“Duck breast?” I said, feeling like I wanted to do a little stalking myself, chase Sheila down and slit her tires. Who feeds duck to a nine year old? Whatever happened to mac 'n' cheese? Hot dogs? Pizza? “Well fuck me sideways.”
“Ms. McMaster, if I may,” Cedric said, steeling his face as he turned to look at me. Despite all of his professionalism sputters, I had gotten him to eat a sandwich and play a game with me. Now, unfortunately, it looked as if he was getting all serious bodyguard on me. “I think it might be time to start working on your case?” I sighed and flopped down in the chair next to him, giving him a look. It never worked on Rhea, but it was worth a try.
“Gary's gone now, isn't he?” I said, but the words sounded pretty pathetic. He was gone, but our parting had not exactly gone smoothly. He acted like he hadn't even heard me. A confession of love from a crazy person is probably not the best sign that they're done with you. I gave another sigh and sat back, raising one hand in surrender. With one last sorry glance at our chess game, I said, “What do you want me to do?”
“Let's go through the e-mails,” he told me, and I shivered. I had kind of wanted to go through them with Nathaniel.
“I have a feeling they're … inappropriate,” I told Cedric and glanced away, not because I was ashamed, but because I was disgusted. I had a feeling my face was squinched and wrinkled. Cedric put his big hand on my shoulder and gave me a friendly shake. It felt more like an earthquake, but I could tell he was trying to treat me like a friend and not a client.
“We have to record the number and the frequency, print out anything that has a threat in it, and block him from sending anymore.”
“It's kind of a joke, isn't it?” I asked as I glanced back up at his big, square face, round nose and dark eyes. “This whole stalking thing? I mean, come on, the guy has been sitting outside my house for days. That deserves a one way trip to the crazy shack in my opinion.” Cedric shook his head, and grunted agreement.
“I couldn't agree with you more, and if I could change it, I would, trust me. Nathaniel's been working for years trying to get stricter stalking laws. Nobody wants to listen. Nobody seems to care. It's something that happens to somebody else, never to you.”
“His wife … ” I began and then paused. Cedric already looked uncomfortable, and I could tell he didn't want to talk about his friend's past behind his back. “What was she like?” The big man smiled with square teeth and chuckled.
“Two peas in a pod … ” he mumbled, and before I could question him about it, he launched into this animated speech about Gillian and all the wonderful things she did and was a part of. The woman sounded like Mother freaking Theresa. If I said I wasn't intimidated, I'd be lying.
Gillian Sutherland had been the director of the local animal shelter, single-handedly changing it from what was a death camp for dogs and cats to the county's first “no kill” facility. She baked apple pies for the local fair (and came home with the blue ribbon five consecutive years in a row), raised foster kittens and puppies, and grew an organic garden. Holy shit. I didn't want to bad mouth a dead woman, but how could I compete with that?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Theresa. Compete? You don't need to be competing with anyone or anything. What are you thinking? That you like Nathaniel Sutherland? Don't even go there.
I swallowed hard.
“She sounds … perfect.”
“Aye,” Cedric said with a nod. “She was beautiful. You're a lot like her actually.”
“Right,” I said tugging at a strand of my dark hair. In looks maybe. Either Cedric was a mind reader, or I had my thoughts written all over my face.
“You've got the same spirit. You're a strong woman, Theresa. I think that's what Nathaniel sees in you.”
“Sees in me?” I asked, and I felt like a teenager gossiping with a girlfriend. You mean, he like, totally likes me? I sat up straighter and wished I had a glass of wine in my h
and, just so I could look more grown-up. Cedric smiled and pointed at my laptop, sitting forlornly on the edge of the tabletop.
“E-mails?” he asked, and I could tell by the set of his shaggy red brows that we were done with this conversation. For now.
***
I had a horrible night's sleep.
First off, I had a sex dream featuring the one and only, Nathaniel Sutherland. In it, he gave me the most fabulous oral sex and then while I returned the favor, he whispered sweet nothings in the moonlit air. When I'd awoken from that dream, I'd had to deal with the fact that Cedric was standing in my doorway and that he almost certainly had heard noises. I talked in my sleep, a lot. It was something that Glen had hated about me. The jerk. So I'd gotten up, stolen a quick sip of Jäger (I do not have a problem) and stolen back to bed.
My next dream – nightmare actually – had been about Gary, standing over my bed in the dark with a knife in one hand. His eyes had been glassy and blank, like they'd been at the house yesterday. He'd then proceeded to stab me, over and over and over again until I was lying on my back in a pool of black blood, screaming and calling out a single name. Nathaniel. Now what the fuck does that mean?
When I told Jamie, she was as unhelpful as always.
“Theresa, don't be dense. You like the guy. Is it that hard to understand?”
“I'm in a transitional period in my life, Jamie. I don't need a man right now.”
“Don't need, want. There's a difference. Everybody dreams of having someone to love, Theresa. It doesn't make you any less of a woman. Women can love men. It's okay to want and still be a headstrong, self-assertive, independent go-getter, which you are.”
“Are you eating during my pep talk?” I asked her as she chewed and snapped and ground something in my ear.
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