His behavior the last few days had thrown me off. Jane only sprung David coming on me just before Jackson turned up at the festival. I wasn’t expecting Jacks showing up, so I thought I would have enough time to warn him that the guy she was dating for the past three months was coming over this holiday break to meet her parents. Yes, they were getting serious enough that he wanted to meet her parents. Unfortunately, that little plan blew up in my face, or rather in Jackson’s face.
But I was sick of his moping, and was ready to have it out with him.
I knocked on his door and waited. A soft, thudding sound emanated from his room. As much as I was scratching to get my foot in, I held back. He mumbled something that sounded a lot like “Go away,” so I took that as my cue.
“Hey, Jacks.” I greeted him with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.
“Hey. What’s up?” Jackson sat at his desk, throwing a tennis ball at the wall and catching it.
“Not much. I came to check on you. You’ve been holed up here for days. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” He shrugged, trying his best to look bored as he continued his assault on the wall.
“Jacks, I’m not Mom, okay? You can’t brush me off with that stupid excuse of being tired after midterms. I was there Saturday night. I saw how it went down.”
“Sar…” he started, momentarily forgetting the ball.
“I’m serious, Jackson. I know seeing Jane kissing another guy”—He winced as I mentioned the event that rained on his parade—“wasn’t how you imagined your night playing out. Heck, it probably wasn’t what you had in mind for this break, right?” I looked into his eyes, again taken aback by the hurt I read there. “But you can’t mope around because things didn’t work out.”
“You don’t understand,” he grumbled, flinging the ball at the wall with extra force.
“Then make me understand.”
“It’s complicated,” he whined.
“When isn’t it?” I breathed out. “Help me understand. I’m serious.”
“I like Jane.” He met my gaze before turning back to focus on the bouncing yellow ball flying back at him.
“I know. Duh! I’ve been standing on the sidelines watching you two for years.” My voice sounded testy.
“No, Sarah, you don’t understand. I L-I-K-E Jane.” He paused his throwing and met my gaze once more, waiting for understanding to dawn on me.
“What kind of like are we talking about here?” My voice dropped as I sank on his bed. I had a feeling this wasn’t Jackson nursing a bruised ego.
“The kind of like that might even be love.”
I knew Jackson wasn’t the sulking type. Then again, I’d never seen a girl turn him down, so this type of behavior was whole new territory.
“Jacks… I didn’t know you were that into her.” I didn’t know what to say.
“Yeah, I guess I fooled everyone.” He chuckled, his usual humor gone.
“I’m sure if you told her, you’d have a chance,” I tried, feeling a pit settle in my stomach. I wished I never made that stupid promise to Jane. I wished I could have pushed these two together much sooner and a lot harder. Idiots! Instead, I sat back and offered lame advice and kept my mouth shut because of a stupid promise I made so long ago.
“Sarah, I’m not going to mess up what she’s got going. Did you see her face when that guy showed up? Her eyes lit up like a freaking Christmas tree. How the heck am I supposed to compete with that? And I don’t want to be that guy.”
“What guy?”
“The guy that breaks up a good thing. I can’t do that. She’s happy, right?”
As much as I wanted to lie right now, save his feelings, I couldn’t do that. She was happy, gushing to me on the phone yesterday, telling me how wonderful David was and how in love she was.
“She is.” I felt a piece of my heart break for Jackson as I saw the hurt sink deeper. I hated that I did that to him, but I couldn’t give him anything but the truth. Anything else would have hurt him even more in the end.
“But maybe if she knew,” I started. Jackson shook his head.
“The best thing for me to do is step aside and put this behind me, even if it hurts like hell.”
“Jackson, there has to be something we can do.”
“No, Sarah, you stay out of this. Jane is happy. I don’t want you to go messing with that. It wasn’t meant to be, okay?” His eyes were blazing.
I felt stuck. I wasn’t sure if Jane was so far gone on her feelings with David that she wouldn’t break things off if she knew about Jackson. If I got involved right now, Jackson would never forgive me. If it’d work, I would probably say to hell with it and give it my best shot, but I couldn’t afford to lose either one of them or mess up a good thing with David. It wasn’t my stuff to get involved in.
It didn’t stop me from feeling stuck in the middle.
Clearly these two had their timing all screwed up. If only Jackson would’ve manned up a couple of months ago, then there wouldn’t even be a problem. But it was too late for what ifs.
“I’ll stay out of it,” I reluctantly conceded.
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“I mean it, Sarah!”
“I know. I’ll stay out of it.” But I couldn’t help the feeling that settled in the pit of my stomach, telling me that I might come to regret this decision one day.
Present Day
Silence – Marshmellow ft Khalid
JANE
“Do you understand what I’m telling you?” Sarah’s voice broke through the haze that engulfed me as I listened to her recount what happened that Christmas break when I brought David home. I’d been so blissfully happy, I didn’t notice anything that night.
My relationship with Jackson had changed; he pulled back almost completely soon after that night. But I always put it down to him being in Boston, me in New York, and us growing up. There never was much time together after that amazing summer so long ago. We were kids. And I stopped analyzing that years ago. I never realized he loved me back then. That David crushed what might have happened between us.
“Do you understand why I couldn’t tell you anything?” Sarah’s brow was creased, her body tense, mistaking my silence for anger.
“Yeah,” I said, still too blown away to give her any more of an answer.
“You have to believe me, it killed me watching you two never getting things right. And then after David.” Her voice trailed off as she broke eye contact.
“What do you mean, after David?” My voice came out sounding hard.
“After that Christmas break, Jackson seemed to give up. He pulled away from you but also from here. He didn’t visit much. I’m sure you remember that.” Her eyes returned to me. “Not until he and Ainsley got serious did he move on, return home again.”
“Why didn’t he ever tell me anything?” I couldn’t understand. We were the best of friends. Why would he never open up to me? He must have known how I felt about him.
“Would it have made a difference after David?”
“Probably.”
Sarah raised her left eyebrow and gave me one of her looks.
“Okay, no, it wouldn’t have,” I conceded.
“There’s your answer, then. He was doing you both a favor.”
“Still, I know what I saw just now.” The anger resurfaced, dampening some of the confusing emotions her earlier tale evoked.
“Like I told you before, when that woman is involved, there is always more than meets the eye.” I knew Sarah didn’t like Ainsley, but she’d never given me the whole sordid tale.
“How can you be so sure?” I wanted to believe her, but I felt my heart break standing there on his porch. I wasn’t sure I could afford to believe her and have it broken even more later on.
“Trust me, that woman is pure poison. The stunt she pulled on Jackson…” Sarah shuddered like she swallowed something bitter.
“What did she pull on him?” Sarah had implied a lot in
the past but never come out and told me the whole truth.
“That isn’t my story to share. Jackson needs to tell you when he’s ready.”
“I need time to process.” I felt overwhelmed by all of what she dropped on me.
“I understand. What can I do?” There really was only one place that called to me now.
“Watch Emma for me?”
“Sure, take all the time you need.”
JACKSON
“What are you doing here, Ainsley?” I spat out. I couldn’t believe she was here, of all days.
“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” She shoved past me and walked in like she owned the place. How she still pulled this crap after the way we left things was a mystery.
“What do you want?” I fought to keep my voice in check and followed her into the kitchen.
“A drink would be great.” When I made no move to get her anything, she opened the fridge and grabbed a soda. I stared in stunned silence. This woman never drank anything with sugar. Too many calories. This couldn’t be good.
“I’m not kidding, what do you want?” I was losing my cool here.
“I came to see you,” she purred, getting close to me. I instinctively moved a step back, not wanting to be anywhere near her.
“I think I made myself perfectly clear when I left. I never wanted to see you again.” The anger seeped through. No need to start yelling, yet.
“I’ve missed you,” she murmured, staring up at me through her long, fake lashes. I couldn’t believe how different she and Jane were. Everything about Jane was real and genuine. Ainsley made my blood boil. She was selfish and fabricated, with her thick layers of makeup. There wasn’t much inside her except her own self-centered ways. I couldn’t imagine I was once that blind.
“Well, I haven’t missed you,” I spat. “At all.”
She opened the can, and the soda went squirting everywhere.
“What the hell, Ainsley?” I yelled, no longer keeping a lid on my boiling temper. I noticed how the sticky mess seemed to have landed everywhere, except on her.
“Sorry.” Her face betrayed the lie she told. I quickly yanked the can out of her hands and dropped it in the sink. I gave the kitchen a quick once-over before realizing the soda had seeped into my shirt and stuck to my chest.
“Ainsley, I need to get changed, and you need to leave.”
“You look like the first time I met you.” Her eyes took on that faraway look, tears brimming. I hated when she did that.
“I need you to leave.” I ushered her toward the front of the house, intent on getting her out.
“Go, get changed. I’ll wait here. When you get done, we can talk.”
“There’s nothing left to talk about.” I didn’t know how much blunter I could be.
“Leah, Jackson. You’re the only one who understands how I miss her. And today of all days…” Those words sent an arrow to my heart, and she knew it. I was so caught up in the high I was riding with Jane, I didn’t even notice the date. Today was the day.
“Shouldn’t you talk to…” I started, but she interrupted me.
“You were there, you understand.” The tears poured over, and they were my undoing.
“Five minutes. I’ll change shirts and give you five minutes. No more.” I guess I owed her that after how I left things with her.
I ran up as fast as I could, stripping off the wet shirt the moment I was out of sight. I didn’t trust her.
After running a wet cloth over the stickiness on my chest as fast as I could to clean it all off, I put on the first shirt I found and took a big breath before running downstairs.
“That was fast,” she commented, but something was off. We’d been divorced for two years now, but I still knew this woman.
“Your five minutes started the moment I came down those stairs.” I crossed my arms, ensuring she kept her distance.
“You can’t always be this cold. You must have turned on the charm since moving here, or the locals wouldn’t be ringing your bell,” she spat out, the true Ainsley emerging.
“What the hell are you talking about?” She was seriously pissing me off. Noting the wicked gleam in her eye, my heart started hammering in my chest.
“Nothing of consequence.” She flicked her hand, as if she were waiving off an imaginary fly.
“I mean it, what did you do?” Something told me Ainsley was up to her old tricks.
She laughed.
I grabbed both her arms, forcing her to meet my penetrating gaze.
“What did you do?” I emphasized each word, sure she understood the underlying meaning.
“Some girl rang the bell. I sent her on her merry way. You’re starting to hurt me.” Her words shocked me. Jane had been here, with Ainsley. What the hell?
I released her, recoiling from her like the snake she was.
“Take your stuff, and get out.” I ran a hand over my face, reining in the anger about to erupt.
“But Jackson,” she started. “I need to be with someone who understands. We both lost Leah. I can’t be alone today.” Her words were like acid in an open wound. Leah’s death was still a raw wound for me, but I couldn’t comfort Ainsley. Not after what she did back then. Not after what she might have done with Jane now. I couldn’t trust her. I needed to get her out and find Jane.
“Get out now, and don’t ever come back here. Do you understand me?” I needed her to leave before I lost it.
“Fine.” She wiped her eyes. Noting my serious stance, she collected her bag and left.
“Sarah?” I rushed through her back door.
After her text telling me Jane had been there, I jumped in my car and drove over as fast as I could. I needed to find her, to make sure Ainsley didn’t destroy things for us.
“Calm down.” Sarah rounded the corner, concern etching the corners of her eyes.
“I need to find Jane!” The longer it took to find her, the more I worried the damage would be too big to repair.
“She’s gone. You need to sit down and listen first, before you go find her.” How could she be gone? And why did I need to sit down? I needed to find her.
Sarah looked worried, like I might not want to hear what she had to say.
“Jane came round to your place,” she started.
“I know. Why do you think I’m looking for her?” I didn’t have the time for this now.
“I know, but Ainsley worked her charm on Jane, and she got spooked.” Sarah dropped to the stool across from me, her shoulders slumping in the process.
“Do you know what she said?” My jaw was twitching, anger building again.
“She gave Jane the impression you guys hooked up and you were upstairs getting changed.”
“What?!” I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging on the ends in frustration.
“Here’s the tricky bit.” Sarah’s voice got soft and tentative. “I told her about the past.”
My heart plummeted. That wasn’t Sarah’s story to tell.
“How could you tell her about that? About what Ainsley did?” My voice rose.
“Hold on!” Sarah stood up and met my gaze. “I told her you loved her and would never break her heart like that. When she wouldn’t believe me, I told her about Christmas break.”
Understanding dawned on me, and once again I was amazed my sister had my back, back then and now. “That’s private, and not mine to tell. But if you get her to listen, and make this work, you are going to have to tell her about Ainsley.”
“I know.” I felt the weight settle on my shoulders.
“All of it, Jackson,” she pushed.
“I will. Did she say where she went?” I needed to find her. Talk to her, set things right between us.
“She said she needed time to process.”
Like a light being switched on inside my head, I knew exactly where I was headed.
“Thanks, Sarah.” I kissed my sister on the cheek. “For everything.”
“Mind if I join you?” I asked, waiting for Jan
e to acknowledge me.
“Sure,” she replied, her eyes still glued to the current of the Hudson in front of her.
I sank into the soft grass and felt a wave of memories wash over me. The night I almost kissed Jane and got smacked in the head with a basketball, the many summer nights goofing off here with her. And then that night that haunted me. That night I said good-bye but never leaned in and took a chance. Here I was again. This time finally having taken a chance but possibly about to lose it.
“I don’t know what Ainsley said happened, but nothing did!” I started, needing to get this weight off my chest.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” She turned to me, her eyes red. My heart hurt seeing her like this.
“I honestly didn’t know she was coming,” I defended.
“Not about Ainsley. About before.” She swallowed but met my gaze. “Why did you never tell me, Jackson?” The accusation in her tone was palpable. I didn’t expect this. How to explain? I tried, as hard as it was.
“We never had our timing right. Every time I thought we could make it work, something, or someone”—Her dad and David flashed through my mind—“stopped me from taking the plunge. When I saw you so happy, I knew that whatever I said would only destroy whatever friendship we had left. I couldn’t lose that as well.”
“All this time?” She looked at me, reading the truth there.
“All this time. I always loved you,” I confessed, feeling relieved to finally say the words out loud.
“And Ainsley?” she questioned.
“We always had our problems. But I tried. I really did. I think we would have made it. If only she didn’t…” I still struggled to say it out loud.
“What did she do to you?” Jane’s hand found mine. When her fingers laced between mine, I saw the trust reflected in her eyes. I found the strength to open up.
“It’s something I don’t ever speak of. Sarah knows the whole story. She was there to patch me up. Other than that, I haven’t ever spoken of it. My parents, they know some of it. But not the whole, ugly truth.” She squeezed my hand, offering her support. “It isn’t pretty.” I needed to give her ample warning. This wasn’t something I wanted to do, but I knew I needed to.
The Songs of You and Me Page 18