Landry curled his left hand around my neck.
“I wish—”
He placed his thumb on my lips. “We’re not doing if onlys, remember?”
“I remember,” I mumbled around his thumb.
“Because we are here and we’re working on the future, right?”
I nodded.
He leaned back, his ass on my knees. “So, if you could do anything, what would you do?”
Doing something other than working for my mom had been one of those things I rarely allowed myself to dream about. Along with the dreams of being with Landry.
For photography class, I had a zillion photos of my teammates and our college town and a good hundred shots of Landry petting a stray cat. My professor had loved my photos, but I told her it was just a hobby.
When I didn’t answer, Landry pulled it out of me. “Photography, right?”
Of course, you’re right. You know me better than myself. “It’s not just because of my dad. I like photos. I like finding the best shot. I’d love to do sports photography, you know? Like for a newspaper or magazine or something?”
Landry nodded, his face lighting up. “There are some out of Philly! You can apply. You have a great portfolio if you actually put everything together.”
God, Landry was so excited. I fed into his enthusiasm even though my heart pounded, a headache forming, whispering to me it wouldn’t be that easy. I’d had to explain to Mom and strike out on my own and fuck.
Before the stress overwhelmed me, I focused back on Landry and his elated face as he ticked off on his fingers all the places he thought I could apply. All my worries eased. I’d deal with it later. Right now, Landry was hopeful, so I could be, too.
I smiled at him and he finally took a break in his prattling and smiled back. Then I pulled him in for a kiss.
Later, much later, after a lot of rubbing and laughing and moaning, we lay in bed, Landry lay sprawled on top of me, his head in the crook of my neck, his still-damp curls tickling my nose.
I ran my fingers up the knobs of his spine, smiling when he shivered if I got too close to his ribs, where he was ticklish.
I was half asleep when his voice broke the silence.
“I wouldn’t change it, you know,” he said, his breath raising goose bumps on the skin of my neck. “The girls, the other boys, everything we experienced before this moment. Because that was all wrong. And I think we needed to feel what was wrong to know what’s right.”
I shut my eyes, those three words starting as a vibration in my vocal cords. But they got stuck behind a knot on my tongue. And by the time I untwisted that knot and let those three little words slip off the end of my tongue in a whisper, Landry was asleep.
***
We woke up the next morning with slow kisses and stroking until we came together with lazy sighs. Then we slipped back into sleep until Landry’s phone alarm woke us up so we could check out on time.
We took another walk along the Chippewa River. Landry skipped stones and I took pictures of his exaggerated game face as he challenged himself to four skips. Then we hiked through the forest, taking selfies with the DSLR camera held out in front of us. Landry made faces and I laughed. I snapped a shot of him kissing my cheek. When I looked back through them later, I held my breath at how we looked together. Like we belonged.
On the way back to Sally to continue our trip, Landry was quiet.
“You okay?” I asked.
Landry jerked his head up and blinked a couple of times before his eyes cleared.
“Yoo-hoo.” I waved a hand in front of his face. “You coming back to me now?”
He smiled. “Sorry, I was just thinking.”
“Yeah?” I grabbed his hand. No one was around.
“Yeah,” he said quietly. “I . . . I forgive you. For what happened. And I forgive myself for getting drunk and going to the bathroom with that guy and . . . I might even sort of forgive him.”
His voice was soft but determined, an undercurrent of strength under it. “It happened. And you and I weren’t together then. But we’re together now. And it’s the right thing now. Not then. You know?”
I nodded, my heart thudding against my rib cage.
Then Landry smiled. “So, that’s it. And I think I would have come to this realization without you but . . . I’m sure as hell glad that’s not how it turned out.”
I pulled him to me and pressed a kiss to his temple. “Me too.”
***
June 7
[Picture]
[Picture]
So we’re in Wisconsin. We spent the morning on the banks of the Chippewa River. Isn’t that an awesome picture Justin took? I’m impressed with his skills.
We tossed a baseball back and forth by the river and then we treated ourselves to a night at a B and B. We also went to a restaurant and ordered every cheese item on the menu. Because, HELLO, we’re in Wisconsin. I bought one of those cheese wedge hats. [Picture] How do I look?
We’re stopping in Illinois to visit some friends and then heading to Indiana. We’re recording over one thousand hits a day. Really? I didn’t think we were that interesting. But thanks again for following us!
And. . . . WE’RE HALFWAY THERE, WOO-HOO! LIVIN’ ON A PRAYER!
Justin told me to stop singing. Sorry, y’all.
See you soon.
6 Down
6 To go
—L
Comments
Trenton: YOU LIVE FOR THE FIGHT WHEN THAT’S ALL THAT YOU GOT!!
Katy: Trent’s singing now. Thanks a lot, Landry. Anyway, happy halfway!
Mia: Justin is so talented. Love this picture.
Chapter Twelve
When we checked into a nice hotel in Chicago, I behaved myself, asking for one room with one king bed. Of course, it helped that the hotel was near gay-friendly Boystown. But I was taking baby steps.
Tomás lived in a suburb outside of the city, but was spending the weekend nearby with his older brother. So he told us he’d stop in to our hotel room and we could discuss plans for the night. As we rode the elevator to our room, I fidgeted with the zipper on my bag. Tomás had always been the most accepting of Landry’s and my friendship, but I didn’t know how he’d react once I told him I was gay. It was the main reason I’d declined his offer for us to stay with him and encouraged our meeting on neutral ground. If he freaked out, Landry and I could just enjoy Chicago on our own.
Although, I didn’t know how much I’d enjoy the city if my friend rejected me.
Landry seemed nervous, too. And I hated it because I was the cause. Which made me all the more determined to be honest with Tomás.
Once we reached our room, I had just set our bags down and done a once-over of the room when there was a knock at the door.
Landry opened it and Tomás stood in the doorway, grin lighting his face. “Hey, Landry,” he said, extending his hand.
Landry shook it and then ushered Tomás inside. My catcher’s eyes lit up when he saw me. “Zurdo,” he greeted, grasping my hand and patting my back in the universal straight-man hug.
I smiled and returned his back pat. I hadn’t heard him calling me lefty in Spanish for months, and I missed it. “Hey man, how’ve you been?”
He shrugged and ran a hand through his black hair. “Good. Started a job with Papi at his insurance agency. I have to hustle but I like it.”
“Glad to hear it.”
He tipped his head to the side and some of his hair fell over one of his dark eyes. “Been following your blog. Things going well?”
This was the moment, right? I couldn’t draw this out. I needed to tell him now, before we went out with him and who knew who else. When Landry and I gave each other away. I shifted on my feet and darted a glance at Landry.
I didn’t know if I’d see a glare on his face, or defia
nce. But instead, he smiled encouragingly and mumbled “Gonna go get some ice,” then grabbed the ice bucket and walked out the door to give us privacy.
I loved him for that.
I wiped my damp hands on my jeans and looked around. “You, uh, want water or anything?”
Tomás studied me and I wanted to wilt under his gaze, but I held firm. He shook his head. “What’s up, Akron?”
I sank into the chair at the desk and he perched on the end of the bed. I picked at the callouses on my palm and kept my eyes down. “Trip is going well. I mean, it’s hard, but Landry is there for me and I’m glad I’m doing it.”
“Good.”
“Thanks for meeting up with us. It’s good to see you. But, uh, there’s something I need to tell you.” I looked up. “And if afterward, you don’t want to hang out with us tonight, it’s okay, just let me know.” Tomás didn’t say anything, his eyes on mine. He nodded.
“I’m . . .” I swallowed. “I’m gay, Reyes. I knew it since high school but I thought I could play straight. And . . . I can’t. I can’t play straight anymore.”
Tomás stayed silent. I licked my lips and went on. “I’m sorry if it freaks you out. I mean, we were close. But Landry was the guy I always wanted and now . . . well . . . we’re together.”
Tomás stared, and I braced for vitriol or accusations of sneaking peaks at him in the locker room. All the things I feared while living and breathing the life of a collegiate athlete.
My scalp tingled, and I curled my hands into fists on my thighs. And I hoped Landry stayed gone longer so he didn’t hear any of this.
But then Tomás started nodding. He kept nodding until he broke our stare and looked at his clasped hands between his knees. And when he raised his head, there was a small smile playing at the corner of his lips.
He let out a small chuckle. “Good to see you be honest, zurdo.”
Honest? What the fuck was he talking about? My jaw flapped open but I was rendered speechless.
He laughed harder and leaned back on the bed. “I had my suspicions. Didn’t want to say anything. But you and Landry . . .” He looked toward the door and I followed his gaze, like we could see Landry. “Never met two people who were so right together. Could you just have been friends? Sure. But I saw how you looked at him. And how he looked at you.”
I finally found my voice. “Did any of the other guys suspect anything?”
He shrugged.
“But you did?”
“I never told you, but my older brother is gay.”
“Seriously?”
He nodded. “Put a strain on the family for some time, but Papi and Mami came around after a while.”
“Wow, I didn’t know that.”
He tilted his head to the side. “You were nervous to tell me, huh?”
“Fucking scared out of my mind.”
We both laughed at that, and were still laughing when the lock on the door clicked and Landry entered. Sans ice. But he had a tumbler of amber liquid so he must have made a trip to the hotel bar.
He took one look at my face and I thought he was going to crumple to the floor as relief washed over his features.
Tomás glanced at Landry and nodded toward the glass in his hands. “Ice, huh?”
Landry lifted up his drink with a sheepish grin. “I used it already.”
“So you two are officially a couple, then?” he asked me.
I smiled at Landry. “Yep.”
The smile Landry—my boyfriend—made was worth all the stress leading to this moment. I’d do all over again for that smile.
Tomás stood up. “I told my brother we were having dinner with my teammate and his gay friend. Now I’m going to be the only straight one.”
“The only team you two don’t bat on together,” Landry snickered.
I groaned. “That was bad, Landry.”
He took a swig of his drink and made a face. “This shit is awful. Who drinks this?”
I rolled my eyes at Landry and turned to Tomás. “So, what’s the plan?”
He checked his watch. “Dinner at Comida del Cielo at, say, eight? My brother will be there and I think a couple of his friends. And he mentioned going out to a club afterward. In Boystown. Is that all right?”
I glanced at Landry and he nodded. It was only six, so we had plenty of time to get ready. “Sure. Looking forward to it. And to meeting your brother.”
Before Tomás left, he peeked his head back in. “Happy for you guys.” Then he closed the door behind him.
Landry dropped the tumbler on the nightstand and shoved his hands in his pockets. But not before I caught the tremble.
“What did he say?”
I pulled my shaving kit out of my bag. “He said he wasn’t surprised.”
Landry sucked in his breath. “Really?”
I kicked my shoes off and pulled my shirt over my head. “He said he could tell by how we looked at each other. I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t care. I’m just fucking happy he doesn’t care whether I’m gay or straight.”
“And we’re going out to dinner with his brother? Who’s gay?”
I shrugged. “Guess so.”
Landry bobbed on the balls of his feet. “I’m kind of excited.”
I laughed. “Yeah? I can’t tell. I’m taking a shower. Try to sober up there, lush.”
“I’m not drunk!” he called after me as I walked into the bathroom.
***
When I walked back into the room after my shower, Landry was digging through his bag. “What are you going to wear tonight?”
I looked down at my towel. “This?”
“Hot, Jus.”
“I don’t know. A shirt. Jeans. Shoes. Maybe some socks and boxers.”
Landry stood up. He wore a pair of tight jeans and the sleeves to his pale blue, thin button-down were rolled up to his elbows. I could see a tank top peeking out beneath the top buttons he’d left undone. His eyes looked different, bigger, the blue sharper.
“What’d you do to our eyes?”
He grinned and widened his eyes. “Eyeliner. You like?”
He looked . . . fucking amazing. “You look great, Lan.”
He blushed and placed his hands on his narrow hips. “Let me dress you.”
My smile instantly dropped. “Oh, come on, Landry—”
He threw a bundle of cloth at me. “Try this.”
I caught it and held it in front of me. It was a black A-line tank top that was probably a size too small. Maybe two sizes. I threw it back at him. “No.”
“Justin—”
“No fucking way.” I didn’t like attention and that would certainly have given me a lot of attention. Good and bad.
Landry’s eyes narrowed. “Why, because it’s too gay?”
Maybe. “I won’t be comfortable in it. Please don’t make me wear it.” I pulled out the puppy dog eyes and prepared to pout.
Landry tossed the rejected shirt aside and rummaged around in his bag again. A minute later, another shirt hit me in the chest. I unfolded a gray-blue V-neck T-shirt of Landry’s. “This is going to be tight, too—”
“That’s the point. Just try it on, okay? Please? It will look good with your eyes.”
I pulled it on and frowned at the snug sleeves on my biceps, the way the V-neck showed off my chest. I held my hands out to the sides and looked at Landry. “Are you happy?”
Landry’s eyes sparkled, and my protests died in my throat. “You look so hot.”
I grumbled as I walked over to my bag, but I was pleased at his compliment. I pulled on a pair of boxer shorts and tossed my towel aside. Then Landry was beside me holding out a pair of his jeans. “Oh for fuck’s sake, Lan. Those are going to be tight as hell.”
“Sensing a theme?” He winked. The bastard winked but all I could think
about was shoving my junk into too-small denim.
I grabbed them out of his hand. It took a lot of squirming and wriggling and sucking in of breath but I somehow managed to pull them up and button the waist. I wasn’t sure I could sit down. “Happy?”
Landry licked his lips. “Holy shit.”
I pointed my finger at him. “Don’t look at me like that. It took ten minutes of my life to get these on, I’m not taking them off until they can stay off. And then I’m burning them.”
“They have a zipper fly—” Landry said, reaching for my crotch, and I slapped his hand away. “Bad Landry. If I have to wear these, no playing right now.”
He laughed and ran into the bathroom, then came out with a tub of some hair product.
I backed away with my palms out. “What are you doing?”
“Can I style your hair?”
“What did I do to deserve this?”
Landry pushed on my shoulders, and I plopped onto the bed. “Hold still.”
He fussed with my hair as I squirmed and tried to look up to see what he was doing. Then he stepped back and eyed me with a smile. “Perfect.” Then his smile faded and he scrunched his lips to the side. “Shit, you look too perfect. Maybe I should have uglied you up. We’re going to walk into the club and barely legals will take one look at your eyes and thighs and they’ll be all over you.”
I reached out and grabbed Landry around the waist, tossing him to the bed beside me. I somehow managed to stretch the jeans and lift my leg to pin his. “Stop it. I’m not going to be looking at any barely legals. Except you.”
Landry pursed his lips and didn’t answer, but his sober face worried me. “What?”
He bit his lip. “What if . . . what if you do see someone you want? I mean, you just came out, maybe you want to get to know other guys.”
His words stung my face as if he slapped me. “Are you serious right now?”
“Well—”
“Landry, what the fuck? Honestly? I’ve known I was gay since high school. Of course I noticed other guys. But none of them came close to how I feel about you.”
Trust the Focus Page 12