A Mother’s Sacrifice

by Kitty Neale

  Polly waited for Katy’s response. She half expected her to say that Polly should never go near him again, but she nodded. ‘At the end of the day he’s the father and of course you’ll need help. It won’t be easy raising this child by yourself. You know how people can be about single mothers.’

  ‘You’re saying exactly what I’ve been thinking,’ Polly told her.

  Katy paused in thought and then said, ‘Here’s an idea. If Johnnie agrees, you could tell people that he’s the baby’s uncle and that way he could still be involved in the baby’s life. It could work but it would be better than a scandal.’

  ‘No, when the baby’s born it would mean I would have to see him regularly and I don’t want that. I just want his financial support.’

  ‘All right, I can understand that, but do you know where he lives in London?’

  ‘Only that it’s in Battersea, but do you remember I told you about all those letters in the loft from my mum’s friend Helen?’

  ‘Yes,’ Katy answered.

  ‘Well, her address is written on them so I thought I’d go to see her. She should be able to tell me where to find Johnnie.’

  ‘Would you like me to come with you?’

  ‘Oh, Katy, it’s lovely of you to offer, but I think this is something I need to do by myself, especially seeing Johnnie.’

  ‘So when are you going?’

  ‘I thought I’d go after having lunch here tomorrow. It’s not that far from here so it’ll save me travelling all the way from Kent.’

  Jackie called from downstairs, shouting that a meal was on the table, so Katy and Polly joined her and Ross for a feast of toad in the hole. So far, whatever Jackie had said to Ross appeared to have worked: he ignored her, but he hadn’t yet said anything derogatory.

  ‘Have you had any prenatal care for the baby yet?’ asked Jackie.

  ‘Do we really have to discuss that spawn of the devil over our lunch?’ Ross snarled without looking up from his plate.

  A silence fell across the table, then Jackie very calmly placed her knife and fork on her plate. ‘I’ve had enough of your attitude, Ross, and I’ve warned you about this sort of behaviour. You’re supposed to be a man, the man of the house, but all you do is act like an insolent child and I’ve had it to the back teeth with you. This is my house and you will live under my rules. If you don’t like it, then I suggest you pack your things and move in with your father.’

  ‘I am not a child and you can’t tell me where I’m going to live. I don’t want to move in with my father.’

  ‘Have you got any money saved?’

  ‘No,’ he said shortly.

  ‘Well, then, you must know that if you want to move into a place of your own, you’ll need to pay a deposit and rent in advance.’

  ‘Fine, until I can raise the money I’ll move in with Dad.’

  ‘Good, I’ll call him and tell him to expect you,’ Jackie told him and with that she went to the telephone.

  Polly felt very uncomfortable and didn’t know where to look, but Katy reached out and placed a reassuring hand over Polly’s as they sat in silence listening to the one-sided phone call.

  ‘Yes, it’s me,’ Jackie said. ‘I need you to come and collect Ross. Yes, he’s moving in with you,’ Jackie said down the telephone. ‘Yes, that’s right, he’s coming to you … Well I’m sorry if it interferes with your precious lifestyle, but he’s your son too and it’s about time you took some responsibility for him. Good, see you in an hour.’ Jackie put the receiver down and turned to Ross. ‘I’m sure you heard all that, so I suggest you go and pack your things.’

  ‘This is ridiculous. I can’t believe you’re throwing me out.’

  ‘You can hardly call it that. You’ve had more than enough chances to change your behaviour, but you chose not to. Anyway, it might do you some good to spend some time with your father. He might be able to do something about your attitude because I certainly can’t.’

  ‘All right, I’ll go. I can see you’ll be glad to be rid of me.’

  There was an awkward silence and Polly glanced at Jackie who had hung her head and was slowly shaking it. She knew the woman well, and guessed that Jackie was about to offer an olive branch to her son. It just wasn’t in Jackie’s nature to reject anyone – she was the most caring person Polly knew – and the hurt expression on her face revealed how difficult she was finding this.

  ‘Look, Ross, I’m angry with you now but I’m still your mum and always will be. I’ll always love you but this is for the best for now. You can come back to see us whenever you like.’

  Ross threw his chair back. ‘If that’s how you want it, so be it, but don’t expect me to visit you, not if her and that freak in her stomach are going to be here!’ He stormed up the stairs.

  Polly could feel tears beginning to prick at her eyes but tried to hold them back. That’s what people were going to think of her baby, a freak or, like Toby had called it, a thing. Yet as she cupped her stomach she knew that she had already fallen in love with her precious cargo and felt protective towards her unborn child.

  The rubber shower attachment sprang off the cold tap over the bath again, causing the hot water to almost scald Helen’s head. Annoyed, she wrapped her hair in a towel and vowed never to wash her hair using that useless contraption again.

  Her irritation was interrupted by a quiet knock on the front door and, still annoyed, she bustled along the hall to answer it, only to find a nervous-looking young woman standing there. As Helen took in the woman’s features she nearly screamed, because for a split second she thought it was Glenda. Of course, that was impossible, Glenda was dead, but the penny dropped even before the young woman spoke.

  ‘Hello, are you Helen?’

  ‘Yes, and I’ve no need to ask who you are! You’re Polly and, my goodness, you look just like your mother. Come in. It’s so lovely to meet you though I did have the pleasure of meeting you a few times before.’

  ‘Really? I don’t remember.’

  ‘Of course you don’t. You were just a baby,’ Helen said, showing Polly through to the living room and leaving her to admire the view from the eleventh floor whilst she went to make some tea. Waiting for the kettle to boil she rubbed her hair with the towel, then combed it through. Putting her curlers in would have to wait.

  ‘It’s amazing,’ said Polly as Helen came back into the room with two cups, ‘I’ve never been so high up before. You can see for miles!’

  ‘Yes, it’s quite spectacular. Anyhow, what brings you here and how did you know where to find me?’

  ‘I found all the letters you sent to Mum, and it’s funny really, but from reading them I feel like I know you. But I do have some very sad news about Mum –’

  ‘It’s all right,’ Helen interrupted. ‘I already know and I’m so sorry, love. It must have been horrendous for you and I’m really sorry about Johnnie too. As I was the one that sent him down to Kent, I feel responsible for what he did. Of course, at the time I had no idea that Glenda and Frank had been killed but even so, what he did to you was unforgivable.’

  ‘It’s not your fault. You did what you thought was right but it is Johnnie I’ve come to see you about.’

  Helen’s guard automatically went up. Surely the girl wasn’t still harbouring feelings for Johnnie? If she was, Helen would have to talk some sense into her. There was no way she could encourage such a wicked relationship. ‘What is it that you want to know about Johnnie?’

  ‘Do you know where he lives?’

  ‘I do, but even if it was possible, I don’t think it would be a good idea for you to see him, not after what’s happened. It wouldn’t be right, Polly.’

  ‘But I have to see him. It’s really important,’ Polly pleaded.

  ‘Listen, love, I know you ain’t got your mum around to talk to, but I know she would never have encouraged you to see Johnnie. Whatever you feel about him, you have to remember that he’s your brother and that’s all he can ever be to you.’

  ‘You do
n’t understand – I’m not in love with him, if that’s what you think.’

  ‘Good, I’m glad to hear it.’

  ‘Helen, I need to see Johnnie because I’m pregnant and he’s the father. He needs to know.’

  ‘Oh, good Lord above! No, this is terrible. Blimey, I can understand why you need to see him now, but there’s a bit of a problem. Johnnie has been arrested for … for … attacking a young woman and it looks like he’s going to be doing time – quite a bit, I should think.’

  Polly looked shocked at first, but then her eyes filled with tears. Helen reached for a box of tissues and handed her one, saying, ‘I’m sorry, love, but it’s probably for the best in the long run.’

  ‘For the best! How can it be for the best?’

  ‘I hate to say it, but Johnnie has turned out to be a bad lad, and he’d be an unfit father. Come on, dry those tears, things have a way of working out and I’m sure they will for you too.’

  ‘But how? How’s it going to all work out? I’m an unmarried mother and for all I know my baby may be born with all sorts of problems. You hear about it, don’t you, when parents have the same blood. Oh, what am I going to do? I can’t do this by myself!’

  ‘How far along are you?’

  ‘Over three months, and so … so I can’t have … yet even if I could … I don’t want an abortion.’

  Helen thought that Polly was bordering on hysteria, and really, who could blame the girl? It was bad enough that she’d been intimate with her brother, but now the unthinkable had happened and Helen felt totally out of her depth to deal with this.

  ‘Of course you don’t, and you’re not alone,’ she offered. ‘I’ll be here for you and there’s always Harry. He’s the baby’s grandfather and I’m sure he’d want to help out.’

  ‘Harry – no way! I know what he did to my mum and he wanted to kill my dad. That man is mad and he’s having nothing to do with my baby!’

  ‘Listen, he’s mellowed and he’s so disgusted with Johnnie that he’s disowned him. Nevertheless, the baby is his grandchild and I reckon he’d want to help you.’

  ‘I don’t think so. He came to my house and lost his temper with Johnnie.’

  ‘Yes, with Johnnie, not you, and can you blame him?’

  ‘Well … no … I suppose not, but if I let him into my baby’s life, it would mean I would have to forgive him for what he did to my mum.’

  ‘It was a long time ago, pet, and I really think that given the circumstances your mum would forgive him now. It’s all water under the bridge, and remember – your mum wasn’t totally blameless. Yes, Harry was a violent husband, but your mum did have an affair and, credit where credit’s due, Harry was a good dad to Johnnie. Think on it for a while, Polly, but I believe your baby will be better off having its grandad in its life.’

  Polly was quiet, obviously thinking, while Helen had to admit to herself that she wasn’t overly convinced she’d given the girl the best advice. She just hoped that if Polly chose to go to see Harry, he’d be kind to her.

  As they walked along the street together, Polly realised how much she enjoyed being in Helen’s company. ‘Have we got far to go?’ she asked.

  ‘No, love, and the house where Harry lives is the same house he shared with your mum when they were married. It’s hardly changed.’

  ‘I’m beginning to doubt that this is a good idea.’

  ‘What’s the worst he can do, slam the door in our faces?’ Helen answered. ‘It’ll be fine and, let’s face it, apart from anything else you’ll need some financial support, so there’s no harm in giving it a go.’

  ‘Just as long as you’re sure that he won’t get nasty.’

  ‘Harry’s fighting days are long behind him,’ Helen said and soon she stopped outside a house. ‘Right then, this is it. Are you ready for this?’

  ‘Not … not really.’

  ‘Deep breath,’ said Helen and she knocked loudly three times on Harry’s front door.

  The inmate in the bunk above Johnnie was chuckling out loud, finding amusement in whatever book he was reading, but Johnnie didn’t feel like laughing. He doubted he would ever laugh again.

  If there was one thing prison did, it gave you time to think and that’s what Johnnie had been doing … thinking long and hard. And now the reality of who he was had sunk in, leaving him feeling utterly disgusted with himself and ashamed of the man he’d become.

  He had been pretty drunk when he had attacked Dan and Sandra, yet even through the haze of his blurred memories the image of Sandra’s cheek hanging from her face was clear in his mind and he almost retched as he recalled the pleasure the sight had given him at the time.

  It wasn’t just reckless behaviour; it was sickening, monstrous, and he hated himself for revelling in the violence. Johnnie knew from what he’d read in the papers that he’d ruined Sandra’s life. She would never work again as a model.

  Johnnie rolled over in his narrow bunk, his mind still turning. He knew his rage and fury stemmed from his treatment of Polly, another innocent life he had ruined, yet somehow his guilt had become twisted into resentment. He didn’t know if he had been furious with her for not wanting to be with him, with Harry for splitting them up, or with himself for committing incest and deliberately enticing Polly under false pretences. He just knew he had a burning rage within him that seemed to subside a little when he lashed out at Dan and Sandra.

  But now his selfish ways and need for self-gratification had led to him being sentenced to nine years in this nick, which was no more than he deserved. He wondered if any of his family or friends would ever forgive him or talk to him again. He wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t. He couldn’t forgive himself, so why should his father or Helen even try to?

  He was locked away with some of the most sinister and evil minds in the country – with men who had carried out atrocious criminal acts, the worst kind of crimes. As Johnnie lay there, it slowly dawned on him. He was one of those men.

  Harry had just finished hanging out his washing when he heard someone knocking on the front door. He wasn’t in the mood for company so sneaked a look out of the front-room window to check who it was. If he didn’t want to see them they could bugger off. He frowned when he saw it was Helen and Polly, and, wondering what they wanted, he went to open the door.

  ‘Hello, Harry. I bet you’re surprised to see us here,’ said Helen, sounding falsely cheery.

  ‘You could say that,’ Harry answered.

  ‘We don’t want nosy neighbours eavesdropping on our conversation, so can we come in?’

  ‘Yeah, all right,’ he said, wondering why Polly looked so nervous.

  They followed Harry through to the front room and he asked, ‘So what’s this all about?’

  Neither answered, and then Helen said to Polly, ‘Do you want me to tell him, love?’

  ‘Ye–yes, please.’

  Harry looked at Polly’s frightened face and thought again that she reminded him so much of Glenda. She had her mother’s eyes and nose and the same small frame. ‘Look, why don’t we all sit down,’ he suggested.

  Once seated, Helen said, ‘Right, Harry, I’m not going to beat about the bush. I’ll come straight out with it, but prepare yourself for a shock. Polly’s in the family way and Johnnie’s the father.’

  Harry sat in stunned silence. He felt a wave of anger, but seeing that Polly looked petrified he forced it down. She’d been an innocent in all this, deceived by his son’s lies. ‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ he said as softly as he could.

  ‘Harry, this baby is your own flesh and blood, your grandchild,’ said Helen.

  ‘Yes, I think I’ve worked that out,’ Harry told her.

  ‘Polly came to see me, looking for Johnnie, but of course I had to tell her that he’s been locked up.’

  ‘What do you wanna see him for?’

  When Polly looked at her helplessly, Helen once again spoke for her. ‘Ain’t it obvious, Harry? She’s a young woman on her own with no family, and though
she doesn’t want anything to do with Johnnie, she was hoping he’d give her a bit of financial support.’

  ‘There’s no chance of him forking anything out. He’ll be in prison doing a long stretch.’

  ‘We were wondering if you could help her out, Harry. After all, it’s your son that got her into this mess, and as she’s more than three months gone it’s too late to even think about an abortion.’

  Helen’s words hit Harry with a jolt and what he’d done to Betty came flooding back. She’d been having his baby and had died at the hands of a back-street abortionist, something he’d never forgiven himself for. God, he’d been a bastard to Betty. Was this his chance to redeem himself – to make up for what he had done?

  ‘Harry, I hope your silence doesn’t mean you’re going to refuse to help.’

  Helen had become a right feisty little woman lately, he thought, never too scared to tell him exactly what she thought of him. He remembered the time when he’d struck her to the floor and wished now that he’d been a better man. ‘Yeah, all right, I’ll offer a bit of money where I can.’

  ‘That’s good.’ Helen beamed. ‘How much are you thinking of?’

  This was a step too far for Harry. She had spoken for Polly, said her piece, but Helen wasn’t family and his finances were none of her business. ‘I’m not being rude, Helen, but when it comes to discussing money, it’s between me and Polly and I think you should let the girl speak for herself.’

  ‘Yes, you’re right,’ she agreed. ‘Polly, as long as you’re happy to speak to Harry alone now, I’ll make my way home.’

  ‘No, please don’t go,’ Polly appealed.

  ‘Look, I can see that you’re a bit scared of me, but there’s no need,’ Harry told her. ‘This is family business and we’ve got a lot to talk about, but when we’ve sorted everything out I’ll walk you back to Helen’s place.’

  ‘You’ll be fine,’ Helen told her. ‘I’ll see you later.’