by Olivia Chase
Every so often, he’ll appear in the doorway to the nursery to say things like, “Did you call me?”
“No…”
“Oh, I thought I heard my name. Well, in any case, text if you need anything.”
“I will.” I smile.
“But you can come in…if you want.” I gesture to the colorful foam floor mat where Lilly Belle is busy reaching for a plush bear, a line of drool sliding from her lips in her intense concentration.
At first, he seems to think it’s a bad idea, then he walks in, but instead of sitting on the floor with us, he sits on the edge of the glider, knees apart, hands together. He looks more casual than I’ve ever seen him, in sweatpants and T-shirt. He looks younger, like a kid my age. “What’s she up to?”
I’m confused by his sudden interest, though happy for it. “She…is getting ready to crawl any day now. I have to ask Wilson to order the gates.”
“The gates?” His eyebrows dance.
“For the top of the stairs? To make sure she doesn’t fall when she starts getting more mobile?” He really is clueless about babies. I don’t know what else to say to him. Do we talk about the other night? Do we continue to pretend like it’s nothing? Like bending over so he can lick my ass in the shower is all part of the job description?
I have to admit, I liked it. I’m not sure if it was because of the physical sensation, or because it was Ethan, of all people, kissing my ass, because he’s so incredibly sexy, but I’m not sure it matters. Sex is all in the mind, and if I like what he did to me it’s because of how it made me feel about him.
The question is, do we need to stop, or is this going somewhere?
“Ethan,” I begin saying. My sigh comes out heavier than intended. “I’m not sure where we stand…exactly.”
“Do we need to know?” he counters, leaning back in the chair.
“Well, yes. This is tricky territory, don’t you think? I don’t want to jeopardize my job, but I also need to know what you’re thinking.” Oof, wrong words. Ethan isn’t the type of man who likes talking about what’s thinking or feeling, much less to a needy woman.
He glances away at the window then down at his phone. Finally, he casts a look at me, blue eyes slicing through me. “You won’t get fired. You’re amazing at what you do, Penelope. I mean, look at you.”
I smile and breathe out in relief. “Thanks.” I pat down Lilly Belle’s diapered butt. “But she makes it easy.”
“You make it easier. I couldn’t do this.” He’s quiet for a while, as he watches me and Silly Lilly. There’s something deeper than what he’s trying to say, and I’m not sure what it is. I don’t want to pry, though. Something tells me that if I push him, he’ll pull away.
“About the other night…” he begins. “It was…amazing.”
Whoa…yes. My heart soars, released from its holding pattern. No, it doesn’t mean anything more than that—amazing—but at least it wasn’t a mistake in his eyes. “It was,” I say.
“I’m sure you’ve noticed I can be difficult.”
“You? Hell, no. I’ve never worked for a jollier man.” I give him a smartass smile.
Luckily, he takes the jab, then moves to the floor where he sits cross-legged. Picking up the little plush bear, he moves it closer to the baby where she can easily reach it. I take it and push it back.
“We want her to work for it. You know…goals.” I laugh.
“Got it. Anyway, I know you overheard my mother the other day. My relationships with my family haven’t always been what they should be. Lots of things in my past have made me…reticent.”
That’s what I figured, that there was more to the story. “I’m sorry to hear. What kinds of things went on between you all?” I figure since he’s the one who opened this door, it’s okay to ask.
At this, he sucks in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. Now, he takes the plush bear and wiggles it back and forth to make it look like it’s dancing. Lilly Belle responds by pumping her little arms and legs even harder to try and get it. “It’s long and boring and honestly…”
“You don’t want to talk about it.”
“No, I don’t.”
“It’s okay.” It’s enough. For now. I mean, I don’t know if we’re ever going to talk more, if this is a “thing” between us, if we are a “thing.” At least he’s opened up a bit. So if he recognizes that he can be difficult, does that mean he can address it, work past it? Not that he has to, but I feel like it would make him a happier person. “I’ve had problems, too. Maybe not the same ones, but…”
“You? You look like you come from a great family.”
“I do. They’re the best. My mom works hard, my dad works hard…it’s just that we’ve always had to struggle. You know. Money. It’s always been an issue.”
He scoffs, shakes his head. “Money isn’t the big Band-Aid everyone thinks it is.”
“Only rich people say that, Ethan,” I roll my eyes in his direction. “You don’t think money is a big deal until you don’t have any, so trust me—it’s a big deal.”
“Fine, I accept that. I’m only saying it’s one of life’s biggest lies.”
“What is?” I ask. Lilly Belle lunges forward, grabs the bear, and shoves it into her mouth. “Yes! She did it.”
He sniffs a laugh under his breath. “See what I mean? You love the little things. You’re so good at what you do. I suck at this. I suck at babies. I suck at home life, at domestication, even though I admire it.”
“Wow, I didn’t know you admired it.”
“I do. I should voice my appreciation more. What I meant before is, money might solve problems but it doesn’t make you happy. Happiness has to come from somewhere else.”
“Most people say ‘within.’” I crack a smile.
“I can’t agree with that, because that hasn’t been the case for me.” He says it so somberly, it only confirms my belief that Ethan is a tortured soul. “I’ve worked hard all my life for validation, to have things, to build a company from the ground, and it still doesn’t fill that void.”
Good Lord. This man has all the money he could ever possibly want, a gorgeous mansion, he’s blessed with handsome, dashing looks and talent for making my toes curl, even has this beautiful little gift called Lilly Belle who hasn’t ignited his soul yet, and he talks about a void? Like, in his heart? Wow. I don’t know if anything could ever make him happy.
I want so much to ask him about whether adoption is in the cards for Lilly Belle or not. I want to know what’s real. At this point, I just want him to trust me enough to mention it, come clean. Just like he wanted me to trust him during sex.
Trust—it works both ways.
Could Ethan and I ever be together? Or will he always be this confusing and difficult?
“I could make you happy,” I blurt out suddenly.
My words. Mine. Words that came out of my mouth.
I don’t know why I said that. I blink several times to make sure it was real. What in the fuck would possess me to say such a thing? Still, I believe it’s true. If he would give me a chance, I could share my happiness. I have plenty. I had a great life growing up, and I could show him how love is supposed to be. My parents showed me and my siblings, and I could show him how a happy life is supposed to go down.
I just don’t know that I should.
“That’s quite possibly the loveliest thing anyone has ever said to me,” Ethan says, studying my face like I’m some strange specimen of bird or flower, his bright gaze flitting over my features. The next thing I know, he’s leaning over the plush bear to take my face in his hand and kissing me. Softly, sweetly, with purpose.
When the moment dissolves, Lilly Belle is staring up at us. “Bababababa,” she says.
Once Silly Lilly goes down for her nap, Ethan leads me to his room on the opposite side of the house. I’ve been here two weeks, yet I’ve never seen where he sleeps. I feel like I’ve entered Oz, another dimension, the “upside down.” Walls are painted a peaceful light gra
y, and his bed is perfectly made, of course. My stomach hurts from how nervous I am. We’ve had sex twice now, but this feels different.
“When baby sleeps, the parents sleep, right?” Sitting me on the edge of his bed and lowering his face to kiss me again, he’s in no hurry to get me undressed. Did he just call us “parents?”
We kiss, and with each kiss, I feel myself connecting to his mind and soul a little more. Soon, we’re lying in bed kissing for what feels like hours, my body yearning for more but my heart only wanting this. Kisses. Hands in my hair, on my face, sliding down my back. Kisses, deep and intimate. More intimate than anything else we’ve done together. Ethan knew what was missing. I didn’t think he was capable of holding himself back physically, but maybe I don’t know him that well. Scratch that—I know I don’t know him that well.
What is happening?
Why is he ravaging me one night then making love to my mouth the next? Where are we going on this journey? It seems that we don’t know and we don’t care. We’re just going to ride this wave until it breaks and then we’ll find out where we stand once we land ashore.
All I know is that his hands entwined in mine feel like I’ve always known them. Like they were meant for mine. I know he’s had to have touched dozens of women in his life so far, but right now, his big, strong hands are mine. These perfect nails, his perfect veins roping over his skin, so sexy, I can’t stand it. But he doesn’t want more than this tonight. He only wants to hold me. And kiss. And sleep.
And I’m good with it.
So good, in fact, I fall asleep dreaming this is my life—forever.
Ethan
I have to get out of this house.
I can’t remember the last time I was here so many consecutive days. The office hasn’t seen me in a while. I don’t want to stop there, because I don’t want people asking me questions. I decide on a walk down Fifth Avenue, maybe take a train ride downtown. Donning hat and glasses, most people don’t know who I am.
Penelope stands at the kitchen counter getting a drink. She looks exasperated and tired.
“You okay?” I ask, pausing in the doorway.
“Yeah, just tired. Lilly Belle’s been a little cranky this morning.”
Lilly Belle does indeed look cranky, and I feel bad leaving them here while I get some fresh air, but I need to be alone after the changes going on between me and Penelope. “Are those flowers?” On the counter is a vase filled with sunflowers. They look bright, happy, and alien in my house.
“Yes. I asked Luz to bring some. Hope that was okay. Sunflowers make me happy. I think Lilly Belle likes them, too.” She smiles at the baby in a tired way.
“Why is she biting her hand like that?” I ask. Silly Lilly is gnawing relentlessly on half her hand.
“Probably teething. She’s eight months now.” Eight months. Shit. Before we know it, she’s going to be nearing her first birthday. I have to decide on her adoption ASAP. I’ve been avoiding it, just like I’m avoiding the office.
“Hey, I’m heading out for a bit. I’ll be back later.” I tap the doorframe and head for the door without giving out any more information. I’m tempted to ask if she and the baby want to come with me, but it’s too much.
“I remember going out alone,” she laughs under her breath. “Noony’s on 34th and Broadway. Love their blueberry scones. Seems like so long ago.”
“I’ll have some delivered.”
She smiles sadly, like it’s not the same. “Thanks.”
Closing the door, I step outside, taking in a huge breath of air. Holy fuck, I need this. Open spaces, fall air in my nose, spiking my eyes with tears.
This time of year really is nice in New York City. Maybe later, if I’m feeling adventurous, I’ll stay with the baby for a few minutes just so Penelope can take a walk alone, too. I’ve noticed she needs a break, and I haven’t exactly let her have one in almost two weeks. I end up walking all the way to Washington Square, remembering all the things I love about this city when I’m not tied up inside my building.
The time lets me think. I never meant to get so close to Penelope—it just happened. How did I go from “don’t come anywhere near me” to “want to make out on my bed?” We didn’t shed even one piece of clothing last night. Kissing for hours was probably the most intimate thing I’ve done with anyone. I have her face memorized in my mind now. The little beauty mark on her cheek, the dark lashes with the golden tips to them, the fullness of those pink lips. She’s beautiful in the most natural, alluring way.
I know it’s wrong to be doing this, but it feels right somehow.
Until it doesn’t.
Nobody could ever erase my past, and that’s why this can’t continue. First of all, she’s too young for me, she doesn’t even have her career out of the gate, though it must be hard to do when she has to take nanny jobs for assholes like me. Second of all, I’m damaged goods. I can’t make any girl happy, not with a fucked-up brain like I have. I’m good for a quick fuck, but not for love.
Love is for the brave. And the whole.
I’m a bag of broken bones. She’ll hate me in time.
Several miles on my feet later, I’m ready to go back, taking a different route than the one that brought me here. I love this neighborhood and wish I’d walk around more often. I spot Noony’s, the coffee shop that Penelope mentioned, and slip inside for a minute to pick up ten blueberry scones so she can have plenty to freeze for later. On my way out, something tells me to get the baby something, too, so I walk into a CVS. They would have those plastic things that babies chew on when their teeth hurt, right?
I pay for the chew ring, trying not to overanalyze anything too much, avoiding glances from passersby who think they recognize me.
When I arrive back into the house, I’m surprised to hear the baby crying and right away, it grits against my eardrum. Me and babies don’t mix, which was Reason #1 for putting her up for adoption. Yeah, she’s cute and all, but it was bound to happen when she’d have one of those bad crying spells that irritate the shit out of you, which is why I asked Penelope to stay upstairs most of the time.
Still, as annoying as the sound is, I follow it.
Because something is clearly wrong, and besides, I come bearing gifts.
Walking into the nursery, I see Penelope holding Lilly Belle, bouncing her around, singing, totally wiped, and the baby’s face is flushed bright pink. Her voice is even a little hoarse like she’s been crying a while. “Hey. She okay?”
“No, Ethan, she’s not. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. Shh…shh…my little sweet pea, it’s okay.”
I pull the chew toy out of the plastic bag in my hands and tear off the packaging. “I brought you something,” I tell the baby, handing the colorful ring to her. She’s going to love it, though I can’t believe I’m talking to a small infant creature who doesn’t even understand English. “Here you go.”
Lilly Belle snatches the ring from my hand. I feel good to have helped somehow, but then she tosses the fucking thing to the floor and starts crying even harder. What the hell?
“It has to be washed first anyway, Ethan. And kept cool in the fridge. It’s the cold that soothes the gums, but thanks for bringing it. I’ll try using it later.” She paces across the room with the baby while I stand there helpless.
“I brought scones, too, for you whenever you want.” I hold up the bag, knowing that’s going to make her happy to have her favorite blueberry scones, but Penelope only gives me a forced smile then sits in the gliding chair to try a different quieting tactic.
So much for trying to be thoughtful. It didn’t work, but it felt good while it lasted.
I’m sitting in the living room listening to a podcast on the steel industry when she walks in with Lilly Belle twenty minutes later. “I’m going to try going for a walk with her. I don’t know what’s wrong, and we all need some fresh air. Do you want to come with us?”
As she opens the closet, unfolds the stroller and loads the baby in, all single-hand
edly while I sit there like a king on his fucking throne, being a useless dick, I think about her question. It’s an easy question, but the answer has all sorts of implications. Yeah, I’d like to walk with her, but do I want everyone seeing us together? No one may know who I am on the train downtown, but at the park across the street there are women. Women who know me, and I know them. I even know some of their husbands. What will they think when they see us all together taking a nice walk?
Who fucking cares?
Do I care about their feelings or Penelope’s? That seals it.
“Sure, I’ll go,” I say, slapping closed my iPad case and heading out after her.
It’s close to sunset and the colors are insane. Orange, yellow, red, and all sorts of amazingness. Though I already went for a walk earlier, this time’s different. We may not talk about it, but it’s clear we’re doing this for the first time—going outside together. In public. The baby quiets immediately. Amazing what a simple trick going outside can do for a crying baby. So many high-tech toys for what? The air is free. The leaves are free. The paved park roads are free.
I think I even feel a smile emerging on my face. It can’t be. It must be hay fever.
I know Lilly Belle loves the walk, because she’s sucking on the ring I got her. “She loves that chew toy,” I tell Penelope. “We should’ve brought the scones.”
“It’s called a teething ring, not a chew toy.” She laughs.
Penelope pulls out a small bag from her pocket. She breaks off a tiny piece of scone and hands it to Lilly Belle who devours it and asks for more. This woman thinks of everything. So prepared, like a Girl Scout. She offers me one. “You know, I’m amazed by your resourcefulness,” I tell her. I saw her getting the stroller ready, multi-tasking like she had eight arms. I’m amazed by that and so much more.
She looks at me funny. I guess I’d look at me funny too if I suddenly started paying her compliments. “Thanks.”
We come upon the play area, and I start dreading who I’m going to run into. Right away, I see a few mothers, and it’s a sad day when I can’t remember which ones I’ve slept with and which ones I haven’t. Not proud of it, mind you.