by Anna Jacobs
‘I’ll give Jivan the message as soon as he returns.’
‘Thank you. This is my number …’
Only when she had put the phone down did it occur to her that the person hadn’t asked her name. Nor had she asked for any checks about the caller.
But she still thought the man had been genuine.
This was a crazy way to live, worrying about every phone call. Why had she thought she could accept this way of life? It was upsetting her already, and they’d only been together for two months.
And she still had to tell him her news.
Jivan didn’t get back until late afternoon. When she told him about the phone call, his lips tightened.
‘I rang the travel agent,’ she wound up, holding out her notes to him. ‘They can get you on a plane to Delhi tonight and from there—’
‘You presume too much. I’m not likely to be going to India.’
She blinked in surprise at the harshness of his tone. ‘But your father is—’
‘He hasn’t tried to contact me for a long time. Not since he got married. I was only nine years old and it hurt me very badly that he stopped seeing me, didn’t even phone, let alone invite me to stay with him. My mother told me he’d gone back to India and that was that. She was married by then with twins but she still seemed angry at Ranjit.’
Jessica put the piece of paper down on the coffee table. ‘Well, here’s your cousin’s phone number. He’s called Barlal, by the way. You should at least ring and check the situation.’
‘Thank you.’ He made no move to pick up the paper. ‘I think I’ll take a shower now. Would you like to go out for dinner tonight?’
‘I’ve got a sauce simmering on the cooker and salad in the fridge. I only have to cook some pasta.’
‘Very well. We’ll go out somewhere tomorrow.’ And he was gone without another word.
Something was wrong between the two of them. Was it he who was creating this distance, or was it her?
She certainly didn’t like him ignoring his father’s message.
Feeling sad, she walked back into her office. She was tired of always having to think before she spoke. Tired of him keeping his distance. Why had she thought she could change him? Because she was stupidly naïve, that’s why … and besotted with him.
Over dinner, Jivan kept up a flow of trivial chat until she could have screamed at him. He didn’t mention his father. It was like chatting to a stranger.
After the meal, he said, ‘Let me clear away. You look exhausted.’
‘I am.’ She went into her office, switched on the computer but was too tired to do anything but play games on it.
An hour later, he poked his head in the door. ‘Shouldn’t you get an early night? I’m going to bed soon.’
The hard knot of anger dissolved a little inside her, but not completely. ‘I probably should.’
‘Would you rather sleep on your own tonight?’
The anger came back with a vengeance. ‘No, I wouldn’t! But if you want to, you have only to say so. It’s your house, after all.’
‘Jessica, don’t say things like that.’
She glared at him across the room. ‘One of us has to talk frankly. If something’s bugging you, then you ought to bring it out into the open. I feel as if I’m treading round the edge of a volcano with you sometimes. I never know whether it’s going to flare up and scorch me or not.’
‘I …’ He stared at her, then looked down. ‘You’re right. Come and talk to me, will you? There is something we need to discuss.’
She switched off the computer and marched into the lounge, flicking off the bright ceiling lights and putting on the softer wall lights. She flopped on to the smaller couch, leaving no room for him. ‘Well?’
He sat down opposite her. ‘I ought to apologise first. Yesterday morning, I went to look at the newspaper cutting again and I read the email that came with it. I should have asked permission, but I did have a good reason. I was trying to keep that from you for a while.’
‘Oh?’ She wasn’t going to give him any help to get rid of her, which was presumably what he was leading up to.
‘Your sister-in-law said that you must be in love with me to be living with me.’ He drew in a long, slow breath. ‘And I realised that she was right. It’s been staring me in the face all along.’ He looked up at her. ‘You are, aren’t you?’
She nodded.
‘How long?’
‘Since Melbourne.’
‘So long!’
She shrugged. ‘Lightning will strike in the most unlikely places.’
‘But you never said a word about your feelings.’
‘You don’t love me. You didn’t want my love, so I didn’t offer it. I took the only thing I could get – some time together.’
‘I do care about you, Jessica. Greatly. But I made it clear that I didn’t want any permanent involvement.’
‘Yes. Only I didn’t realise at the time how much in control of your emotions you were, how impervious to other people’s feelings. I doubt it would have made any difference to me if I had known. I’ve always been a fool to myself, as my brother doesn’t hesitate to tell me.’
Scorn filled her voice as she added, ‘You needn’t worry. It won’t make me cling to you. I can leave tomorrow if you prefer to be alone from now on. I won’t make a fuss.’
‘I don’t want you to leave. I like living with you.’ He ran one hand through his hair, leaving it looking untidy, for once. ‘I can’t promise you happy ever after, but surely we can go on as we are?’
Could she? She stared at him, then shook her head. ‘No. I can’t do it. But you needn’t think I’ll walk away empty-handed.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I thought there was something wrong with me – as a woman.’ She looked at him coolly. ‘Now I know I’m a normal woman, capable of pleasing a man, physically at least.’
‘But—’
She took a sudden decision. ‘Don’t say anything until I’ve told you the rest.’
He waited.
She didn’t try to soften the blow. ‘I’m pregnant.’
His gasp was raw and his expression horrified. ‘Caloundra?’
‘Yes.’
‘But you said it was the safe time!’
‘It was, in theory. But you can never be truly certain, can you?’
His lips moved as he tried to count up the weeks. ‘It’s still early days yet. Are you quite sure, Jessica?’
‘Yes. I went out and bought a pregnancy test today. It came up positive.’
‘They’re not infallible.’
‘No, but taken in conjunction with my more emotional state, occasional morning nausea and a slight thickening of my waist, I don’t think there’s any mistake.’
‘Then we must get you to a specialist immediately.’
She glared across the room at him. ‘I’m not terminating.’
‘I didn’t think you would. Don’t put words into my mouth.’
He turned to stare out of the window, his back to her. ‘I didn’t want children.’
‘Tough. You’ve got one on the way.’ Her heart felt as if it had fractured, but she held her head up as she looked across at him. ‘Or rather, I’ve got one.’
He spun round. ‘I’m not repudiating my child.’
‘But you are repudiating your father. What sort of man refuses to go and see his sick father, maybe for the last time? What sort of father would you make for my child?’ She stood up. ‘I love you, but I don’t like you very much at the moment, Jivan. So I’m leaving you.’
‘You can’t.’ He intercepted her by the door. ‘We have to talk this through, work out what to—’
She shook his hand off her arm. ‘No, we don’t. I know what you want and it’s not what I want. Don’t worry, though. I won’t make any claims on you. I’m not after your money.’
‘But—’
‘The good thing about us not being married is that you have no hold over me.’ She swayed,
dizzy suddenly, and had a fear that this upset might harm the child. She had to end this agony. ‘You’re right about one thing. I am exhausted, Jivan. We can talk in the morning.’
‘Yes, and— Oh, hell, no we can’t! I have an appointment in Perth. I can’t break it.’
‘Why did you come back today, then? You could have stayed up there.’ She moved towards the door. ‘I have to lie down. I didn’t sleep much last night.’
He took a step backwards and allowed her past.
‘I’ll sleep on my own tonight.’ She didn’t turn to look at him as she spoke.
‘Jessica—’
Her control broke and she was sobbing as she walked away. ‘For heaven’s sake, leave me alone, Jivan! I’ve had enough for today. I’m too tired to see straight, let alone talk sensibly.’ She ran into the spare bedroom and slammed the door shut.
Part of her hoped he would follow, but she knew him too well for that. Just as he demanded his own space, so he allowed others the same privilege.
Even when they didn’t want it.
He would wait for her to come out.
As the dark hours of the night passed, she slept very little, just lay there staring up at the ceiling, her thoughts quiet and sad. Their relationship – whatever that was – hadn’t lasted very long, had it? She’d been naive to think it would. And she might be able to please the man she loved in bed, but he didn’t want to stay with her, did he?
Well, she would walk away with her self-respect intact, at least, because when Jivan got back from Perth the next day, she’d have left. She’d take the decision out of his hands.
If she couldn’t find a seat on a flight out of Perth, she’d go to Barbara’s then back to England as soon as she could.
Ironic, wasn’t it? She’d achieved her big ambition, come back to Australia. But it had all fallen apart. Perhaps she wasn’t meant to live here.
One thing she was sure of was that her parents would help her. Hell, even Peter would help her if necessary. The Lords were always there for family members in trouble.
Hearts don’t break, she thought, as dawn began to lighten the room. At least, mine hasn’t. It’s just turned to ice. Like his.
Only then did she fall into an uneasy sleep.
Nineteen
The next morning Jivan peeped into the bedroom, but Jessica was sound asleep and the tangled bed gave evidence of a restless night. He stared across at her, feeling guilt tug at him, and something else, something he didn’t dare acknowledge.
He sighed as he turned away. He’d seen the raw pain on her face last night, hadn’t meant to hurt her so badly, but he’d been shocked.
The news about the baby couldn’t have come at a worse time, because Louisa had moved to a different and far more dangerous level of harassment. She seemed to be increasing her efforts to force him to go back to her. As if he would ever do that, even if he hadn’t met Jessica.
On top of that, his father had chosen to get in touch with him for the first time in many years. Well, Ranjit would have to wait … as Jivan had waited. The most important thing was to protect Jessica.
And protect his unborn child, too.
He was shocked by that thought, still wasn’t used to the idea.
Let’s face it: he was no good at relationships, let alone families. With Jessica, he’d almost got it right, but still there was something inside him refusing to let go, refusing to unbar the doors of his – what? – call it his ‘soul’ for want of a better word. The longer he spent with her, the more aware he was of this. And yet, he couldn’t bring himself to act.
However, that must wait. The most important thing at the moment was the danger to Jessica. The private investigators had uncovered recent links between Louisa and an illegal organisation specialising in harassment on demand, HOD for short.
HOD’s website was hard to find, but once you convinced them you were serious about wanting their services, you could get through. As his investigators had done. HOD apparently guaranteed that it could annoy anyone without leaving a trace of any link to the client.
It grew worse. Apparently ‘annoy’ was a euphemism covering HOD’s willingness to do anything at all, including having someone murdered, if you were prepared to pay for it. Due to HOD’s recent activity, this matter was being investigated officially by several governments, so his people were liaising with a special branch of the UK police force.
But international investigations took time and could be rather delicate, so they advised him to take every precaution possible to stay safe and to keep Jessica safe, but not to say anything to her about HOD yet.
He’d thought he could do that if she lived with him, if they changed where they lived in Australia and kept out of public view.
How could he have been so stupid? As had been pointed out to him in the past two days, she was with the same publisher as him, a large publisher with many employees. It wouldn’t be too hard for a determined person to find someone at Meridian or one of its subsidiaries who was willing to earn money by giving out information on either of them.
And this was all happening at a time when Jessica was more vulnerable than ever.
No, however little he wanted to do it, he had to send her away from him. But where could he find somewhere safe? And what if she refused to go?
He was used to being lonely, had faced it before, could face it again. But she needed her family till this was settled. Would she be safe with them, though?
His security company was investigating that for him and he didn’t care how much it cost.
And afterwards? He didn’t dare hope that Jessica would want to be with him again after he’d sent her away.
He closed the bedroom door quietly behind him and went to the kitchen but didn’t feel like eating, so scribbled a note.
I didn’t disturb you, because you were sleeping soundly and you looked utterly exhausted yesterday. Take it easy today. I don’t want you falling ill again.
I’ll cut today’s meeting short and be back as soon as I can – by early to mid-afternoon. We’ll work something out then.
Jivan
He left the note propped up against the kettle and on an afterthought picked up the piece of paper with his cousin’s name on it, a cousin he’d met the one time he went to India with his father. Jivan remembered a chubby boy of his own age called Barlal. He remembered too much sometimes.
As he got into the car in the garage, he blew a kiss towards the house, then thought how stupid that was. As if she’d know that he’d blown her a kiss.
He nearly turned and went back, then reminded himself that there were three lives to protect now, not two.
He had to keep his appointment this morning.
As soon as she heard the garage door roll up, Jessica opened her eyes, but she didn’t try to get up until she heard the car drive away and the garage door roll right down.
The minute she sat up, nausea washed through her and she ran for the bathroom, barely reaching it in time. She had only felt slightly nauseous before, but this had been a close call. Was it because she was upset, or was this the next stage of her pregnancy?
Once her stomach had settled down, she looked at herself in the mirror, dismayed to see how white her face was. She had to take better care of herself and her precious child from now on.
She washed her mouth out, recalling yesterday’s scene with Jivan. It was no good. She’d never get through to him, never gain his trust. Would anyone?
She rang Barbara at work. ‘Can I come and stay with you for a day or two while I sort out a flight to the UK? And will you not tell anyone, especially Jivan, that I’m there?’
‘Oh, Jessica! I’m so sorry. What happened?’
‘I’ll tell you later. How do I get a key to your place?’
‘Ring me when you’re setting off and I’ll contact my son. You’ll be about an hour getting there, so he can nip across and be ready to let you in. He’s not working this week and he owes you a favour for the things you gave him.’
/> ‘Thanks.’
After that Jessica didn’t weep. There was too much to do. She took a quick shower, made some toast and forced it down a small bite at a time as she put together a list and prioritised the jobs. Even with strawberry jam on it, the toast tasted like cardboard, but she was determined to feed her body.
She had to toughen up, she told herself as she cleaned her teeth again. In a few months she would be responsible for another life, and the thought of that made her feel stronger.
She tried to remember whether she’d ever given Jivan her parents’ address. No, she didn’t think so. He knew which town she came from, of course, so he’d be able to find them, but his need to search might win her more time to move on before he got there.
First on the list was a plane ticket. She rang a travel agent and asked them to get her the first cancellation on any airline flying to the UK.
‘Give me your number, Ms Lord, and I’ll get back to you within half an hour max.’
She took her mobile phone with her as she started packing. It rang ten minutes later.
‘There’s a cancellation for this afternoon.’
‘Oh my goodness! I’ll take it.’
‘Let me get your details and your credit card number …’
She was unable to believe she’d be in England the next day.
She rang Barbara again. ‘Change of plan. There’s a cancellation and I fly out this afternoon, so I won’t need your help, but thanks.’
‘What time do you fly out?’
‘Two thirty.’
‘You have to book in early, so you’ll be at the airport by lunchtime. How about we meet for a coffee? I’d like to say goodbye properly.’
‘That would be good.’
One hour later Jessica had packed everything she needed. She’d have to leave her desktop computer and reference books behind, but she had her tablet which contained her backup files, and she was taking all her work on a thumb drive as well. She’d buy a cheap computer and printer once she was settled somewhere.