Suddenly I’m exhausted and drop to the ground beside Finn. He’s not facing me, but instead of turning my back, I turn towards him, so I can see the rise and fall of his breathing. It calms me and I feel safe in the shadow of his back. His hair falls around his neck in soft waves. I close my eyes and breathe deeply. In my mind I see how the sun shines on the fine white hairs of his arms; I can smell the clay soil and the damp grass at the lake. It’s the smell of happiness. I’ll remember this, when I’m resting in my grey cell in the safety zone. Whenever I’m sad, I’ll think of Finn and I’ll know why I went back. He deserves to be free.
The trip was quiet. No jokes, no laughter, not even any snoring from Gustav. He’s different too, as if he’s finally reached his true age: pale now, and so weak he looks like he can hardly stay on his feet. His regret is written all over his face.
The others come running out of the caves as soon as they hear the vehicles. They look well. At least nothing happened here. Emily waves a green flag to welcome us, and Grace and Florence wave their hands. They look so happy. But someone’s missing. Where’s Iris?
Before the Jeep can even come to a stop, I shove open the passenger door and tumble out. Florence runs to me and wraps me in her arms before I can say a thing. She kisses me on the left cheek, then the right. She’s so happy that I almost start to cry when I think of her face when they tell her about her brother. I don’t want to be the one to tell her. No one will tell her—she’ll understand the moment she sees Pep.
“Where’s Iris?” I blurt out.
Florence’s face changes in an instant. She swallows hard and looks away instead of at me. “There’s been an...incident.”
Alarms ring in my head. “Has something happened to her?” I’m horrified. I squeeze Florence’s arms a bit harder to make her look at me.
“Not exactly. She found out something we should have kept to ourselves.”
I don’t understand what she’s saying. Why won’t she just tell me what’s up with Iris? “Where is she?” I demand, and this time I sound angry.
Florence looks to the ground. “In your room.”
She can’t hold me any more and I dash past all the others into the caves. Even before I enter the big communal room, I see Iris sitting at a table. Her little desert fox runs to me, rubbing around my legs and jumping up at me. He licks the dirty fingers I hold out to him.
But Iris is like a statue. She won’t even look at me. She stares straight ahead, as if I’m not even here. Worry tightens around my heart like a fist. What happened here while we were gone?
Slowly, I kneel beside her and touch her knee. She flinches as if I hit her.
“Iris...I’m back again,” I whisper. Florence’s sobs float in from outside. Iris doesn’t even twitch an eye. Nothing seems to matter to her. What could have happened to this little girl, who was so full of life and love? So curious to learn about everything, sucking it up like a sponge.
“Aren’t you happy?”
Her hand smacks my cheek so fast I can’t even gasp. Anger burns in her eyes, and my cheek glows hot as if she burned it. My eyes go wide and I stare at my little sister as if she were a stranger.
“You lied to me the whole time.” She’s not screaming or crying. She’s quiet and matter-of-fact as hardly any child her age could be. That’s what worries me the most.
“What are you talking about, darling?” Tears come to my eyes, blurring my sight.
“You promised you’d always be here for me and protect me. Then you disappear just like that, without saying a word, and you leave me behind.”
Slowly she unfreezes and there’s a tremor in her voice. It must be an enormous effort for her to fight it. But she shouldn’t even be holding it in. She’s just a child. She should let her emotions out. I wish she would hit me again, or do some shouting, at least.
“But you knew I was going to the black market with the others. Why didn’t you say something?”
There’s a moment’s silence. Her eyes narrow. “I’m not talking about the black market.”
Her words hit me like another slap. That’s what Florence meant. Someone told her what I’m supposed to do. Someone must have told her I’m going back to the safety zone. Whoever it was, I’d like to wring their neck. Was it Emily?
One look at Iris kills my anger. No matter who it was. It would have been up to me to tell her, and to my shame I have to admit I would never have done it. I would have left without saying goodbye. Just because I couldn’t handle it.
Her fists are clenched and her whole body is shaking. It looks like she wants to beat me black and blue.
“I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you. I haven’t known for long myself.” The excuses sound lame and thin even to me.
“When did you want to tell me? You’re leaving tomorrow!”
“No, I don’t have to leave tomorrow. I can stay longer. I can stay as long as you want,” I assure her, and nod as if to convince myself. Tears run down my cheeks and Iris looks up.
She shakes her head. “You don’t have any choice. They’re making you go, aren’t they? I hate them all!” She starts to cry, and throws her arms around my neck. I’m so glad of her nearness, and I squeeze her tight. She whimpers in my ear and her tears mingle with mine. “They can’t send you away, I won’t let them!”
Carefully I push her away a little, so I can look her in the eyes. “No, it’s not like that. No one is forcing me. I’m volunteering.”
“But why?” she sobs, and Dumbo whines pitifully as he pushes in between us.
“The Legion is doing bad things. They’re hurting people, and someone has to stop them.”
“But why you? Why can’t someone else do it—why not Finn? He’s bigger and stronger than you.”
I run my hand over her light-blonde hair. “Finn would be lost in the safety zone.” Even if he would do it, I wouldn’t want him to go in my place. I would rather know he’s safe here, just like Iris.
“But I wouldn’t be lost. We came together—we should leave together. We’re sisters, right?” Her voice quakes so much that her chin trembles. Tears stream from her eyes and I find myself unable to say no.
“Of course we are.”
“Then promise me you won’t go without me.”
“I promise.”
My heart hurts that I have to lie to her. I don’t even want to imagine her disappointment when she finds out I’ve gone without her. But to take her with me to the Legion would surely be a death sentence for her. For the Legion commanders, she would only be a troublesome teenager who knows more than she should. They wouldn’t hesitate one second. They’d kill her.
That evening, Iris is calm again. At least she never had much to do with Jep, and his death doesn’t hit her very hard. Although she’s shocked like everyone else about what happened at the meeting, she sees it as all the more reason to do something about the Legion. Iris thinks the two of us will be something like heroes because we’ll be fighting against the Legion. She talks about it as if it’s exciting, and she’s not afraid. Emily almost seems jealous—she wants to be a hero too, the same as Iris. There’s constant competition between the two of them, beginning with a better birthday present, and ending with a battle against the Legion.
I’m only too happy when Finn knocks on the wall of our cave at dusk to take me for a walk. He takes my hand like it’s the most natural thing in the world, and leads me through the forest to the little lake where he tried to teach me to swim.
All the way there I want to ask him something, but every time I start, I can’t get it out. It’s just fact that mostly when we talk, it spoils the entire mood. There’s so much we could talk about: Jep, Gustav, the Legion, but none of it is positive.
“Will you really take Iris back to the safety zone?” he says finally, when the silence starts to get uncomfortable on all sides.
I’m pleased he asked. At least it’s not me turning a nice evening into a disaster. “Of course not.”
“So you lied to her?”
/> “Yes, but only to protect her.”
“The Legion would say the same thing,” he growls.
I understand him, but what else could I do? Tell her the truth and leave her after a fight? I couldn’t handle that. “Don’t let her follow me.”
Finn’s face tells the story that he’s wrestling with himself.
“Please...”
“Why don’t you ask Florence or Grace? I’m not so good with children.” He flicks a stone into the water, and it hops once, twice, before it sinks.
“I trust you more than anyone else. That’s why I’m asking you!”
Finn smiles briefly, then turns thoughtful again. “Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to take her. You could support each other.”
I’m horrified. “Iris is only ten. She can’t hold back her emotions, nor should she have to. That will betray her. She’s too honest to play-act to the Legion.”
“Can you hold back your emotions?”
“I’ve been holding back thoughts and feelings all my life. There’s no greater experience than that. Iris has her whole life ahead. She should never have to become like me. The safety zone is no place for children.”
“Iris should be proud of herself if she turned out like you. There’s nothing for you to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong.” Finn gives me a look that makes me go weak at the knees. I just can’t deal with his compliments. On the one hand I’m happy to hear them, but on the other I’m afraid of them. I never know what to answer, or what they mean.
“So you promise you’ll look after her?”
“Yes, but only if you promise me something as well.”
I crease my brow. What might Finn want from me? “That sounds fair. What is it?”
He breathes deeply, in and out. His free hand runs through his hair. I’ve seen him do it many times when he’s nervous. “Promise me you won’t forget our time together. Promise me we’ll meet again.”
“I’ll never forget you.” How could anyone ever forget Finn? He’s the most astonishing person I ever met. There’s no one else so full of moods and emotions, always changing. In one moment he might be shouting and throwing chairs, then in the next, he might hug someone. He taught me about loving and hating. He let me see the world through his eyes. He made me who I am today
He releases my hand and lays his arm around my shoulders. “When you come back, after we’ve beaten the Legion, life can start properly.” He winks at me like I’ve only seen Jep and Pep do before now.
“I don’t even know what that means,” I confess. I don’t know any other life, and I have no idea what that would look like, or what kind of life I would wish for myself. For me there’s only the past and this moment. I’ve never thought about the future. It was never needed in the safety zone, because the Legion commanders determined everyone’s future. Nothing was unknown—there were no chances, no opportunities. There was no choice and no hope.
“We’ll build a house. Not like the caves, but a proper house with doors and windows. We’ll plant apple trees in our garden. In autumn we’ll bake the apples into the best pies anywhere and we’ll invite everyone over to eat them. The children will play in the leaves and in winter, they’ll make angels in the snow. We’ll get old and our faces will be wrinkled many times over, because we’ve laughed so much in our lives.”
Finn’s whole face is glowing as he imagines it. To me it all sounds like a beautiful story. A story like they used to tell children before bedtime on Old Earth. A fairytale, but not reality. It doesn’t matter how much I want it to be true—that golden time is still far, far away and it seems unattainable. And yet...for one moment I believe it, even if only to make Finn happy.
“There’s just one problem.” I act all serious.
“What’s that?” The anger sparks up in his eyes already. He wants nothing to get in the way of his dreams.
“I can’t bake!”
He guffaws and pokes me in the side so that I start giggling too, and laugh into his chest as he holds me.
“Then you’re going to learn. Together, we can do anything.”
- -
14. FORGET ME NOT
I hardly shut my eyes all night. Thoughts race through my head as if they’re competing to be the fastest. I try to tell myself it’s not a bad thing to go back to the safety zone. That’s where I come from. I know how everything works there. There’s nothing I could ever do wrong, as long as I do exactly what I’m told.
That right there, that’s the problem. The rebels want me to do the opposite to what the Legion commanders expect of me. I have to decide. I can’t fight on both sides, even though somehow I belong to both.
But maybe I don’t need to think about it at all. Maybe the Legion won’t let me go back—maybe they’ll shoot me as soon as they see me. Or they might take me back and erase my memories. My time with the rebels would be like a big black hole.
I’m sure the Legion is able to do that sort of thing, but they must make mistakes sometimes, because Zoe never forgot the rebels. She’s my only ray of light. To know that she’ll be there, that we can share our secret, lets me breathe again. It’s hard to remember her face, but I hope I’ll see Finn in her.
I get a fright as someone clears her throat at the room’s entrance. Florence’s shadow falls on the pink curtain. When she pokes her head inside, my heart wrenches. Dark shadows ring her bloodshot eyes. Her nose is rubbed raw from all the blowing into handkerchiefs. Even her shiny hair has become dull. She’s tied it back loosely, emphasising her thin shoulders. Her dress is black and fitted, and she looks enviably good in spite of her grief.
She pushes a strand of hair out of her face. “Sleep well?”
I shake my head and put as much sympathy in my gaze as I can. I want to say something to make her feel better, to take away some of the pain, to make it easier to bear.
She shrugs. “Silly question, I know. Carefully she sinks down to sit beside me, and leans her head on my shoulder. Being so close to anyone is still just as strange to me. “Troubles never come alone. First we lose Jep, and now you. How am I to bear it?”
“I’m not dead,” I answer, and immediately fear I’ve said exactly the wrong thing.
She lifts her head and blinks at me. Then she runs her hand over my hair, down my cheek. “No, you’re not. Of course not. We’ll meet again. For sure!”
Her voice tells me how awful she really feels. Florence was always the happiest of people, always optimistic. To hear her talk like this makes me tremble again. It sounds like even she doesn’t believe it any more.
“Actually, we wanted to have a big party tonight. Your farewell party. But now...” She breathes deeply. “...now that Jep has died, we wanted to cancel it. But I think that would be wrong. It’s not your fault.”
I seize her cold hand. “No, it’s okay. You don’t need to throw a party if you don’t feel like it. I don’t need it.”
“We’d all regret it if we didn’t. Jep would kick us all in the backside if he knew. He’d be the first to throw a party. If he could see how I’m bawling, he’d laugh at me. He’d call me Rudolph...” She points to her red nose, but I don’t understand what she means.
She goes on. “The boys will take care of the meat and all that, so all we have to do is make you prettier than you already are.” Now she’s even smiling at me, to her great credit. Florence stands up from the mattress and offers me her hand, which I’m glad to take.
“One last bath will do you good. Believe me, you’ll miss it in the safety zone. Those steam showers are torture in comparison.”
After I came to the caves, the first time I looked in a mirror shocked me so badly that I’ve avoided them ever since. My lips were cracked and bloody, my eyes were speckled as the Legion’s light blue began to be replaced by a dark brown that reminded me of dirt. Then there was my pale skin and starved body. I wasn’t a pretty sight at all.
Now, almost three months have passed, and still I’m afraid to look at myself again. Florence is insisting that
I wear a dress on my last night. She wanted to convince me from the first day onwards, but I guess she gave up because she saw how uncomfortable I was without my familiar suit from the safety zone.
My favourite thing about this dress is its straps that cross over in the back. I’m sure Florence would look charming in this, but I can’t imagine it for myself.
“Trust me, Cleo, you’ll like what you see.” She pushes me towards the mirror. “And as for Finn...” She giggles, but I’m not listening any more.
I’m too busy with the person in the mirror. Is that really me? Hair—still short, but definitely not bald any more. It must be five centimetres long, in brown strands around the face. Warm brown eyes, full and healthy lips. No cracks. The girl in the mirror has even gained some colour. She must still be the palest of the rebels, but she doesn’t look sickly any more.
I run my hands across my face and my short hair. I always wanted to know what I look like. I thought if I could see myself, I’d know who I am. Do I know now? I stop and listen to my own rapid heartbeat. I memorise the image in the mirror, in the hope that I won’t forget it. I only want to be that girl.
That girl has friends and a sister called Iris. That girl has a family worth fighting for. That girl loves Finn. I’m Cleo, and no one can take that from me now.
Together with Florence I leave the clothes-room to join the others. The aroma of roasted meat is already reaching my nose, but in the communal room I find Gustav and Marie waiting for me. He stands up as I enter. Marie holds his hand; he’s shaking and can hardly stand. “Cleo, do you have a moment? I’d like to talk with you.” He’s trying to sound as strong and formal as he always did, as the leader.
I don’t know if Finn and Pep told the others about his lying. I don’t even know if they said anything about the electric fence. But that’s not my business any more, so I nod and join the old couple at the table. Florence leaves us to it.
Although Marie can’t see me, she still manages to look right in my eyes. My heart grows a little lighter in her presence, the same as always. “How are you doing, child?” It doesn’t sound like the kind of question that people ask just to be polite. She’s really interested.
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