by Aubrey Cara
She had forgotten that about Mason. His alcoholism had been something she'd heard in passing that she hadn't taken much credence in. “You're an amazing man now.”
“Well, I had some growing up to do. You don't have to tell me more than you're comfortable with, but I hope you understand I want to know you. The real Miriam Westfall. The good and the bad. Nothing you could have done—”
“My husband was gay,” she said baldly.
“Like not straight, gay, or slang for lame asshole gay?”
“I walked in on him fucking his boyfriend, gay.”
“Whoa, that's rough.”
“Yeah. It was.” She could feel the tears welling up again as she recalled the shock and betrayal of catching him with someone else and she blinked them back. Taking a deep breath she continued. “For a while I thought it was my fault. That I wasn't good enough and I deserved to have him cheat on me.” Mimi could still hear the snide tone of Jay's voice as he belittled her. She could still see the look on his face like she was trash. Why had she stayed with him?
“He'd make me feel so perverse and immature for wanting to have sex and try different things. Whenever I complained that we never had sex he made it seem like I was this out of control nympho.” She shook her head at her own naivete. “He had me convinced there was something wrong with me. When he said he wanted to start a family I thought it would make us closer in a way we lacked. He was always so aloof. He didn't exactly dote on me when I was pregnant but things were a little better, in a way. That all stopped after Zeke was born. He wanted nothing to do with Zeke.”
She still remembered him saying he wasn't going to be one of those hands-on dads. He'd looked at Zeke as if the infant was disgusting. “I think Jay wanted me to catch him. I had taken Zeke to his one month check up—on my own of course. I had found them when I got home.”
She remembered lugging in the diaper bag and car seat with Zeke in it, wondering why there was another car in the driveway. She'd gone to put Zeke down for his nap and could hear the unmistakable sounds of sex coming from her bedroom. Still, she hadn't believed it until she'd opened the door to find Jay on top of another man. His head thrown back in ecstasy.
His boyfriend had been the first notice her. Shocked, he yelled, “What the fuck?” reaching to cover himself. Jay had looked at her like she was an idiot and snapped, “Get out.”
She should have stood her ground and railed at him. She should have gotten angry. Instead, insecure and confused, she’d run down the stairs and locked herself in the front hall closet. He eventually came down and told her to stop being dramatic and come out of the closet. She hadn't missed how he'd chuckled softly when he said come out of the closet. Like it had been a joke. Her life had been one big elaborate joke.
“I'm so sorry, Mimi.”
She laughed but it came out hard and bitter as she felt. “Would you believe that's more of an apology than I got from him? He never said he was sorry. Not once.” That had hurt the most. “He'd said he was tired of pretending to care. His boyfriend was just as horrified when he saw me. He had no idea Jay had been married. And to a woman no less.” Angry tears rolled down her cheeks and she brushed them away.
“What I don't get,” she said. “Is why he pretended in the first place? I could have understood if he'd been confused. If he'd loved Zeke and I but was hiding being gay. But he didn't, at all. He'd manipulated and used me.
“After I moved in with my parents I saw a therapist for a while. I understand now he couldn't handle that he wasn't perfect so he took it out on me. Plus I think he was just a narcissistic asshole. Still...understanding and being okay with it are two different things. He made me feel awful for being kinky and having certain desires...I told him things—opened up to him—and he was...fucking guys behind my back. I felt so stupid for so many reasons. I'll tell you what. I'll never be with another man that doesn't at least show regular desire for me, let alone isn't okay with my kinks.”
She hooked up with the wrong kind of guys for a while after the divorce. She wasn't proud of it, but she'd needed the affirmation that she was attractive and normal. In many ways she still did.
“We got divorced shortly after the incident. When it was clear he wanted nothing to do with Zeke I asked him to sign over all his parental rights. I never wanted him to be able to have any power over me. I didn't care that I was giving up alimony and child-support. His family is old money and I didn't want him coming back into Zeke's life just to use him as some beard the way he'd used me.” Jay had used her so he could deny who he was to himself and to his family. She doubted they even knew why they'd gotten divorced. They certainly hadn't been happy when they discovered he'd signed over his rights.
“When I gave him the papers to sign...he thanked me for being so understanding. Like I was doing him a favor. I guess I was. I didn't tell my parents I was divorced until I lost my job and moved back home.”
Now that she'd gotten it all out she felt exhausted. She hadn't been this emotionally drained in years. She looked up. Mason wore an unreadable expression. “I can't tell what you're thinking,” she said, real trepidation setting in.
She hoped she hadn't driven him off with the truth. She really was a twat for brains. This was too much too soon. She shouldn't have spilled her guts. Didn't all the dating experts say to hold some cards back? Like an idiot she'd thrown the full deck at him. “Oh God, I'm sorry. Can we pretend like I didn't just use you for confessional? Do you think I'm stupid now?”
His gray eyes widened his brows shot up. Now he really did look surprised. “What? No. You are stronger than I had even realized and definitely not an idiot. You were smart enough to have that bastard sign over his rights. You shouldn't feel ashamed cause that creep pulled the wool over your eyes for a while. We all make mistakes. Look at how you came through it. You're raising an incredible kid on your own. It sounds like since day one you've been on your own. That's all you. It doesn't matter how Zeke came into the world or who his biological father is. You're a loving honest person. Zeke's a lucky little boy to have you for his mama.”
Acute relief rushed through her so fast she felt dizzy. “Thank you. I needed to hear that,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. She hated that she still felt so raw over something that happened six years ago. Her parents had been a huge support system but she'd never allowed herself to really talk about how she was feeling. Part of her believed she deserved to suffer for her poor choices. The other part of her was just lonely.
“It gets overwhelming sometimes, being a single mom,” she explained. “This past year has been an adjustment. Zeke was two when we moved in with my parents and he's not exactly happy we moved out. He doesn't understand why we needed to have our own space. He doesn't understand why he doesn't have a daddy and other kids do. And as many ways as I've tried to explain things to him how there's lots of different kinds of families, he's just not getting it. I feel like such a failure. I hate that I have so many regrets.”
“We all have regrets. You can’t let them rule you, though.”
“What do you regret, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“It’s not really a secret, but not everyone knows or remembers that for most of my twenties I was drunk more often than I was sober.”
“I can't imagine that,” Mimi said, interrupting.
“Well, believe it. I was out of control for a while. My aunt helped me see I couldn't live like that.”
She felt him drop a kiss on the top of her head and she tightened her arms around him. She was hungry for affection but she sensed Mason was too.
She wondered why Mason was still alone. She hadn't heard about him dating anyone this past year but that didn't mean anything. She'd have to ask him. Just not yet. She didn't want to know if he'd been dating a different woman a week. For now she wanted to believe this moment was special and he wasn't still here out of some misplaced sense of pity.
*** ***
Mason thought back to the darker days of his life. After he�
�d almost lost Coleman Automotive to his drunken mismanagement he'd asked his Aunt Sherri for advice. She was a business-savvy woman who his father had credited for much of their company's years of success. Mason knew if anyone could help him get Coleman Automotive where he wanted it to be it would be her.
After hearing everything he had to say and answering his questions his aunt had said, “There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my responsibility to the employees here. If your business goes under because you aren't giving it your all, you better know exactly who that affects the most. And I doubt it will be you. You'd still sitting on a nice little trust fund, not to mention your stipend of your father's share from our company, wouldn't you? I highly doubt your employees would be so lucky.”
Mason didn't say anything. She'd made her point, but it turned out she wasn't done making it because she raked him over the coals for his drinking. “You won’t find a life worth living at the bottom of a bottle. And try to remember, your parents and sister died because of someone like you.”
“I never drink and drive!”
“Maybe not yet. Can you really tell me you're thinking about anyone but yourself when you're drinking?”
Mason couldn't. He never had just one beer or one glass of whiskey, or one anything really. He drank until he couldn't feel anything. He had drank that same way in high school and college. He'd drank for every reason and no reason at all. Those three years after his parents died he drank because he felt sorry for himself.
“I love you so much Mason. I hate seeing you do what you're doing to yourself. I don't want to plan another funeral. Please don't put me in that position. I also think you should know how proud of you I am.” When he gave her a dubious look she said, “No, really. I am. You're building something special. And I know you'll make the right choices from here out.” She leveled him with a look that made it clear that making the wrong choices was no longer an option. “Someday you're going to look back and see this was the hardest time in your life. But you'll be proud of yourself for getting through it a better man. I just know it.”
It stung to see himself as clearly as his aunt saw him. She'd cut right through his bullshit. He was a spoiled rich boy who had wanted to prove something, but he still wasn't giving it his all. Had his parents been around maybe they would have been proud of what he was doing with his business, but he doubted they would have been proud of how he conducted himself.
He'd gone home that night and had thrown out every bottle of alcohol in his house. There had been way too many. When he wanted a drink so bad he shook, he started going to meetings and jogging. The first year had been the hardest. It had been like losing his parents all over again. All the emotions he'd been drinking away had been right there, waiting for him all along.
If ever the bottle called to him he remembered how hard he fought that first year. He never wanted to do that again. He certainly didn't miss the hangovers. He'd been sober seven years, and had a thriving business. His aunt had been correct in her assessment. Those years had been the hardest of his life.
“She also told me that I'd look back and know that was the hardest point in my life, and be proud I'd gotten through it,” he said, tangling his fingers in Mimi’s silky hair. “I'm still ashamed by the man I was, but I am happy I got through it. I think you're almost done with the hardest part of your life, Mimi. It may not seem like it, but I think it's about to get good, and you should be proud of yourself for making it through.”
“I hope you’re right Mason and things are about to get good.” They were quiet for a while when she said quietly, “Mason?”
“Hmm?”
“Thank you...for tonight. For this right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world,” he said, and meant with every fiber of his being.
Mimi's breathing grew deep and her soft, warm body grew limp against his. He was pretty sure she'd fallen asleep. Meanwhile Mason's head spun. His thoughts jumped between wanting to hunt down her ex and kill him, and relief she wasn't in any way still in love with the guy.
She'd been married to a verbally abusive, closeted gay man. He hated Mimi didn't have any help and that Zeke would probably never know his real father, but he was extra glad that the asshole was out of her and Zeke's life forever.
And damned if his mind didn't keep falling back on Mimi saying she could never be with a man that didn't share her kinks.What the hell did she mean by kinks? She'd said it almost in passing but that little statement kept making loops through his head. What could she possibly be into that would be a deal breaker for a heterosexual guy?
Reaching his arm out he was able to snag his smart phone off the coffee table. He had to know what the hell he was dealing with. Turning off the sound on his keyboard he Googled kink. After reading the definition on Wiki he hit 'images' and now had more questions than answers. Most of the pictures were people tied up with big red ball gags in their mouths. Many pictures featured women in leather wielding riding crops in a classic dominatrix kind of pose. They looked angry.
Mason exited his internet search and clicked off the phone. Reclining on the arm of the couch with the object of his desires lightly snoring on his chest, he started doing some soul searching. He asked himself what he'd be willing to do to keep this woman in his arms. Would he be able to let her regularly tie him up? Maybe gag him?
He'd never been into the whole dominatrix thing. Call him old fashioned, but he preferred not to be roughed up by any woman he was with intimately. He may be able to try it as a novelty but would it be something he could live with? Now, the idea of tying her up held some merit…
He was of course putting the cart before the horse. He had no idea what she was into. Wiki said kink was all about fetishes. People had some pretty weird fetishes. It could be anything. It could be a foot thing. Didn't people have foot fetishes?
He glanced down her body to her slender feet. Her toe nails had that little white strip at the top like woman liked to do to their finger nails. He could live with a foot thing.
He should probably just ask her outright but he wasn't a man who liked to go into things unprepared. He'd be able to react better if he knew more about what he was getting himself into. Tomorrow he'd do some research. A quick scan on his phone wasn't anything to go by. He may be worrying for nothing.
As he looked down at Mimi's sweet sleeping form warmth blossomed in his chest. He needed more tender moments like this with her. He'd wanted it for too long. He silently promised her right then he'd do his level best to give her anything she may need from him. Now that he'd had a taste he knew he'd do just about anything to keep her in his life. He was just kind of nervous to discover what anything may entail.
CHAPTER SIX
Mason had finally forced himself to leave Mimi's apartment in the wee hours of the morning so he wouldn't be there when Zeke woke up. He hadn't gotten much more sleep after he'd gotten home. Online kink research was getting Mason nowhere. He recognized he needed a new game plan. Now sitting across from his good friend Caleb McCrae, an idea started formulating.
He eyed Caleb speculatively. At 6'2'' Mason wasn't a small man by any means, but Caleb dwarfed him with his barn door physique. The dark haired hulk of a man took up the entire side of the booth. With elbows planted on the table Caleb sat sipping his beer. The man had been special forces and was now a full time cattle rancher and partial owner of Circle F.
They had met today to discuss Mason's new endeavor to branch out Coleman Automotive to farm equipment maintenance and repair.
Lacking sleep as well as common sense he decided if anyone could help him figure Mimi's kink mystery out it was Caleb. Caleb had been a ladies man if not an outright man-whore in his military days. Mason was almost positive Caleb's kink experience far outweighed his own rather limited knowledge he'd mostly gleaned from Google and some disturbing porn sites.
A full minute of silence went by before Caleb asked, “Well, you just invite me here so we can stare at each other
or did you want to talk about something? You look a little on the serious side for a business discussion. My woman is closing her shop in one hour and I mean to be home by the time she gets there.”
His woman. When Caleb said his woman, Mason could practically see the other man beating his chest before dragging poor Kat back to his cave by her hair. The other man was an apex alpha type and Mason wondered if it was a mistake to talk about his kink issue.
Mason tried to imagine what it would sound like to call Mimi his woman. He liked it. A lot. Maybe he was overdue for some chest beating.
When Mason remained silent Caleb leaned, in his expression growing serious. “No offense but you kinda look like hell, man. You alright? You're not thinking about drink drinking are you?” he said setting aside his beer. “Hell man, I'm not exactly sure what to say, but you can talk to me.”
“What? No.” Mason shook his head snapping out of his thoughts. “I need help, of sorts.” He felt like a jackass just saying it out loud. “I have a chance with a woman I've wanted for a really long time,” Mason said, pointedly. “She recently mentioned she'd never be with a man that didn't share her kinks.”
“That's no reason to drink. What the hell she into?”
Exasperated Mason said, “I don't need alcohol. I need to know what the hell she's into. That's the problem.”
Caleb's brow scrunched as he stared at Mason in obvious confusion. “I'm not sure how you think I can help, man.”
“Have you ever been with kinky women?”
“Sure.”
When it became clear Caleb wasn't going to elaborate Mason asked, “Did they just come right out with it? I mean, how do you know what a woman like that is into?”
“It never hurts to start shit out with a safe word. Even if you're vanilla,” the other man said smiling.