by Leanne Davis
“Rob Williams actually saved your son. In fact, if it weren’t for Rob, your worst fears would have befallen Spencer. Of that, I have no doubt. They still live together. In fact, I consider Rob a close friend.”
Lydia’s mouth dropped open. “But… but he was such a little shit! And Spencer looked up to him, and followed him around like a lost puppy dog.”
“No, Spencer stayed close to the only person who tried to stop Barry, your stepson, from molesting him. That’s what Rob did for Spencer.”
Lydia’s face paled. “No. No. I remember when Spencer claimed that once. We thought he was just jealous, having to share me with another man and live with another boy in the house.”
“How could you ever think Spencer made that up? At the very least, it was a blatant scream for serious help. Were you really so shocked that he ran away after you refused to believe him?”
“Yes, I was. I was heartbroken.”
Erica was convinced that she was. “What happened to Barry?”
Lydia shuddered at the name and closed her eyes. “He stayed with us for a few years after Spencer disappeared, and then kind of drifted away. Eventually, we quit hearing from him.”
“Did you know Spencer stabbed him the night he ran away? Impulsively stabbed him so Barry couldn’t rape him? Then Spencer ran to Rob’s and begged him to leave. Rob knew what was going on. They both thought that no one believed them, and no one would help them, so they ran away.”
“No. No, I didn’t know any of that. Barry didn’t ever let on he was hurt, if he actually had been. He always played dumb about Spencer’s disappearance.”
“You didn’t suspect any of that?”
Lydia took a deep breath. “I was only seventeen when I had Spencer. For years, it was just the two of us, always on the brink of homelessness. Then one day, I met Jerome Briggs. He had money, and earned a decent living; but to me, it seemed like a small fortune. He was nice to me, and eventually asked me to marry him. So I jumped at the chance. I wasn’t overly fond of Barry, but I considered him a minor drawback to the rest of my life becoming easier. I didn’t want to believe Spencer.”
“Who was Spencer’s father?”
“Just a man I knew. I was seventeen. I worked the night shift at a diner and had a brief affair with the short order cook. He quit his job there and moved before I realized I was pregnant. Obviously, as you can tell, he was Mexican. I never knew what became of him, and had no way of contacting him.”
“That must have been terrifying for you at such a young age.”
“It was. My parents kicked me out, after I decided to keep the baby, saying they couldn’t stand it.”
“They kicked you out?”
“Yes.”
Erica nodded. “I can’t imagine how hard that would have been.”
“It was. I didn’t want to lose him. But then, Spencer... I should have believed him.”
“Yes, you should have. But I think thirteen years is sufficient penance for that.”
“Do you think he’ll see me?”
Her heart sunk for Lydia. No. No, she didn’t think Spencer would see her. Or forgive her. Or even listen to her. “To be honest. I don’t know. He’s not exactly easy going. He’s bitter. And he doesn’t forgive or forget easily, nor does he let things go. He’s very intense.”
“Always was. He was the quietest little boy. Always watching everything, not like other little boys who couldn’t sit still. He would play for hours all by himself. I used to take him to the dentist’s office I worked in and he would play quietly around my desk, all day long.”
“Did you love him?”
“Desperately. I always loved him. I never intended to fail him, or lose him for half his life.”
Erica was sure Lydia was being truthful, but she couldn’t promise Spencer would believe her. Or that he’d even care.
“Look, I can’t just take you to see him, and ambush him. You hurt him, probably much more than Barry did. He never got over your betrayal. I can’t say if he’ll see you. I’ll talk to him, but that’s all I can promise.”
Lydia nodded with visible hope and tears in her eyes. “Do you love him? I just hope he found someone to love.”
Erica looked up, surprised by the question. “Yes. I do. Doesn’t mean much yet. He spent too many years alone, with no one to love, but Rob. So if there’s any humanity still inside him, you owe that to Rob Williams.”
“God.” Lydia breathed audibly, shutting her eyes. “What have I done? How wrong have I been?”
“Just—” Erica began to say when she stopped dead as her door swung open. Spencer. Erica stood up in a rush. Why was she so shocked to see him? He always came to get her when she was ready to leave. But Erica had gotten so captivated by Lydia’s unexpected visit, she lost track of the time.
“You about ready, Doc?” he asked from her doorway before his gaze darted to Lydia as she turned towards his voice.
Spencer started to speak… but his eyes rounded and he quit moving. He recognized Lydia as his mouth opened in shock. He lifted his eyes to Erica, which were wide with the tacit accusation of betrayal, and in that moment, as quick as a wink, he decided she was guilty.
Erica darted around her desk and banged her hip in her haste. She immediately panicked because she knew exactly how he would react.
He started backing up.
“Spencer! Wait. God! Just wait.”
But it was too late. He turned and was nearly down her hallway at a brisk jog before he vanished that quickly. Erica wilted in the doorway. He probably thought she deliberately ambushed him and purposely set this up. The timing was too suspicious. He just recently shared his past, and now, here sat his mother in Erica’s office, after thirteen long years. But of course, instead of sticking around to hear the explanation, or say hello to his own mother, he ran. He was furious. He lost his temper. He was awful.
Lydia stood next to her, her mouth hanging open. “My God, he’s beautiful, isn’t he?”
“Yes. He is. What he isn’t, though, is easy.”
“He’ll think you somehow planned this.”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry to have put you in this position. I had no other way to contact him. You can always explain it to him later.”
Erica’s stomach hurt. “Yes. Of course. Of course. He just needs a little space right now. I’ll go to his house later.”
Lydia pulled a card out of her purse. “These are all my contact numbers. Please, please call me, one way or another. I know this is putting a lot on you, but please convince him to meet with me. Just five minutes. Surely, he can give me that.”
“With most people, yeah. With Spencer? Really, there’s no guarantee. But I’ll try.”
“Thank you, Dr. Heathersby.” Lydia squeezed Erica’s hand. “And I know I have no right to say this, but I’m so pleased to know you’re his girlfriend. Please take care of him.”
“I can only do as much as he’ll let me, which usually, isn’t much at all.”
****
Erica tried calling Spencer all evening, but from past experience, she knew he wouldn’t take her calls. She didn’t really understand why Spencer wouldn’t just talk to her, or even allow her the courtesy to explain. Spencer would react as he always did: at gut level, his temper exploding. He was now right back into his full “trust no one” mode, and would protect himself at all costs while he assumed everyone else was genuinely bad, out to get him or hurt him. And now, of course, he’d think Erica was that way too. He’d convince himself that she didn’t really love him. And somehow, Erica knew he’d deem her betrayal the worst because he actually started to trust her. And care about her. And love her.
Finally, Erica gave up calling him and just drove over to his house. She parked, steeling herself for the confrontation. She hated waiting at his house. She felt nervous, almost like she’d done something wrong, when in reality, she did no more than accidentally meet his mother. His mother sought out Erica, not vice versa.
There
was the sound of movement, and finally, Spencer jerked the door open.
“Erica,” he said, looking surprised. How could he not have expected to find her at his door? Erica started to step past him when she felt his body stiffening. Oh good God, would he not let her into his house now?
“Erica, wait.”
She looked up at him when his voice sounded weird. He was not furious or enraged as she expected. He sounded… what? Contrite? Nervous? Profound?
“Come on, Spencer.”
Erica froze when she heard the voice calling from inside the house. A woman’s voice. A voice she knew far too well.
Erica recalled the time she burst in on Spencer and Tamira. She felt her heart sinking, and wanted to drop right there, and wilt. Her guts started to twist when she saw her own sister walking towards her. Her little, slutty sister. Erica’s mouth dropped open. No. God! This couldn’t be happening. Her sister was there in a little black skirt and a practically-nothing blouse. Why was Morgan there? How could Spencer have gone to her sister so quickly? Her own sister? Bad enough, and horrible enough that he could do this to her, but with her own sister?
“Erica,” Spencer said again, his tone now more earnest. Then he had the nerve to put a hand on her arm.
Erica pushed him off. She was not going to stick around for further humiliation. And further heartbreak. She stopped on the threshold and turned back one more time.
“You win, Spencer,” she said quietly, sounding utterly defeated. She was thoroughly exhausted from this push and pull that she seemed never destined to overcome. “You win. You’re right. You can’t do any better than that. You can’t change. I won’t try anymore. I won’t be around it anymore. Don’t call me. Don’t come to work. Just don’t come anywhere near me.”
She heard him calling after her, but she didn’t stop. She was in her car and gone before he could give her some lame excuse over why her sister was at his house, late at night, on the very night his mother came into her office. Erica didn’t think she’d ever erase the image in her mind. Or survive having her heart broken into brittle pieces at her feet. Or how wrong she was about Spencer Mattox and what she thought she signified in Spencer’s life.
Alone again in her condo, Erica sat in the dark with a bottle of wine. She wandered over to the sliding door, looking out at her patio and beyond, into the dark city and street lights. She wandered into her kitchen, then her bedroom, then went back to sitting on the couch. Numb. She was at a loss over what to do. She didn’t feel like doing anything. The inertia that filled her paralyzed her. She ached physically.
Why couldn’t she manage to keep a man? Why did they all eventually cheat on her? Was it really because of her job? Was she really so unbearably intimidating? Was she really more of a doctor than a woman that men might desire? She thought it was different with Spencer. It seemed to her that everything between them was different. Deeper. Better.
She remembered Spencer mentioning more than once how little time she spent taking care of herself. Or calling people to ask for help. She picked up the phone, and for once, called Joelle. For help.
Joelle was at her door in a few short minutes, dressed in shorts and a tank top, bedroom slippers on her feet. Erica opened the door and was instantly hugged by her short, petite friend. Erica always felt like she was embracing a child when she hugged Joelle, but this time, she didn’t because she was so upset. She felt lost and hurt, and more like a child.
“What happened?”
“Everything happened. Everything that always happens to me. What’s so wrong with me that I manage to drive men to seek other women? Why can’t they love me enough to want only me?”
“You mean Spencer cheated on you?” Joelle’s shock showed in the widening of her eyes.
“Yeah. But it gets worse. My sister! My own damn sister! I even introduced them.”
Joelle’s mouth dropped open in horror. “That just… it doesn’t seem like Spencer.”
“Doesn’t seem like Spencer? Weren’t you there in the heyday of groupies and brainless fans? Even as Spike, wasn’t he screwing someone new every night? I saw it first hand, up close. God, what a stupid fool I’ve been. I thought he felt differently about me. But why should he? I’m no more than a fantasy he wanted to conquer. I knew that, I did. I knew that, and let myself believe differently. I believed I really meant something to him because I needed to mean something to a man so badly. That turns me into a pathetic nothing. It turns me into Tamira.”
“No. No, it doesn’t. I don’t think you’re so far off about Spencer. He does feel different with you. I’m convinced of that. Maybe… maybe he did screw up. Old habits, you know, and that’s how he used to deal with his problems when he got really upset. Or felt inadequate. He’d screw around. Maybe it’s something like that. Not you. God, Erica, you’re the most beautiful, successful woman…”
“That’s just it! Men want young, clueless, vulnerable, easy, nonthreatening girls. They don’t want successful, domineering, mature women. Seasoned, reliable, rich, independent women are boring to most men.”
“You mean girls like me?”
Erica laughed. “You were young, that’s true, and vulnerable, sure. But clueless? Easy? Nonthreatening? You cut Nick Lassiter, bachelor billionaire, to his knees in confusion and longing with unrequited love for you. I wasn’t talking about you personally. I was talking about girls like Tamira, or my own sister, Morgan. Girls like the one Roy dumped me for. At least, you and Nick had the decency not to sleep together while I was still in the picture. ”
“Erica, what exactly happened?”
Erica shrugged. She wandered back to the couch and flopped down, while taking a sip of wine. “He was mad at me, so he took off. Then he got even with me. I went to his house to explain things to him and when he opened the door, he didn’t want to let me in. Then I saw my sister.”
“Naked?”
Erica paused a second. “No.”
“In lingerie?”
“No. She had on clothes, well, as much clothing as Morgan ever wears.”
“And she was walking down Spencer’s hallway? Did he tell you specifically not to come in?”
“Well, he kind of stood there, without moving aside. Not really doing anything. But he kept saying my name, like he was in shock. What did he think? That I wouldn’t pursue him after he got so mad at me?”
“So, he was standing there with your fully clothed sister behind him?”
Erica glared, unhappy with Joelle’s calm depiction of what she saw. “I know what I witnessed. And I saw it before; remember? Remember Tamira?”
“You mean Tamira in lingerie, before he started dating you?”
“What are you saying? I overreacted? I was wrong? He had my little sister in his house at nine-thirty in the evening!”
“You’ll just have to ask him why. Spencer wouldn’t lie to you.”
“Wanna know why he was so mad at me?”
“Why?”
“His stupid mother came into my office, without telling me immediately who she was. She gave me the runaround before finally asking about Spencer Mattox; and only then, admitted that she was his mother. His damn mother! Sitting there in my office! And who should walk in right then to escort me home? Why, Spencer, of course. And do you think he stepped inside and asked me what’s going on, like most adults would have? No. Oh no. He just left without another word. I’m sure he had every bad assumption running wildly through his mind about me. And now you’re telling me I shouldn’t assume? Or be angry? If not enraged?”
“Shit,” Joelle said, looking stunned. “His mother? After all these years?”
“Yeah. She heard his name in connection with mine, and came to me, in order to confirm that Spencer was truly her missing son. And you’re telling me that Spencer wouldn’t use that to be mad at me over too? Do you know the kind of stuff he gets mad at me for? He gets mad if I walk to my car alone, or take the stairs, or forget to call my family often enough. He gets mad if I don’t call you enough, or wh
en I work too much. He gets mad because he thinks I’m trying to fix him, save him, change him, and he even got mad when I downloaded some information on available jobs in the music industry. I couldn’t do anything right with him! When I never really did anything wrong. And yet he always assumes the worst of me, every time, he assumes the worst. And now you’re saying I shouldn’t assume the worst about him? I should try to be more understanding?”
Erica was on her feet, pacing, her unrepressed anger lacing her words with acid.
“No, you should be mad. But not at him. You know why he is how he is. I think for a while there, you were changing that, some of his attitude and general distrust of everything and everyone. But you should have known it wouldn’t be easy or quick. You knew that, Erica, going in. Fair or not. Then to suddenly assume he’d cheat on you with your own sister? You must first, at least, confirm it. You owe that to yourself, as well as him.”
“I don’t owe him anything. He never gave me that much consideration.”
“Erica,” Joelle said in a warning tone.
Erica flung her arms out and flopped down. “Don’t ‘Erica’ me! I’m always mature. I’m always the grownup. I’m always the understanding one. Well, guess what? I don’t feel like being that right now. He thought I ambushed him with his mother, even after I swore to him I would never do any such thing. The thought that it wasn’t my fault never crossed his mind. Everything’s always my fault. Then I see my sister at his house! How can I forget that? Or live with that? I can’t. I won’t.”
“You know something? I think Nick could have sat down during the first months that we dated, and said all those things about me too. Some of us, just don’t get it right. It takes more time to get there for some people, like me and Spencer, than it does for people like you and Nick. We’re screwed up, Erica, and we think wrong, and react too fast, often before thinking it through. Just imagine if Nick had given up on me so soon? And don’t forget I was married to Rob the entire time!”