by Emma Grey
Angus opens the fridge and grabs a bottle of water. He’s so angry with himself! He can’t take a genuine professional connection and turn it into something the tabloids would cheapen. Her career would die before it was born! He can’t let her sacrifice her future just because he’s finally found someone, after all this time, who he could possibly . . . possibly — what? Oh man, this is worse than he realised.
On impulse, he grabs his phone and calls Reuben. He’s kept this a secret until now but he knows he can’t any more. He needs to talk it through. Get some perspective. And Reuben has always been there for him, right from the start, when their producer first put the band together.
‘Can we talk?’ he yells over the din of whatever club the boys are in.
‘On my way.’
That’s the thing with Unrequited. They’re so much more than a band. So much more than their success and their fame and their album sales. It’s family. It has been for a while, and letting Reuben in on everything is the only way Angus will get through this.
‘Okay. Who is she?’ Reuben asks, collapsing on the couch in Angus’s suite.
‘She’s the one from the concert. The one I’ve been searching for. But there’s way more to it than that. You might not believe it,’ Angus pauses. ‘I can hardly believe it myself.’
‘Try me.’
‘You know I took that girl home from the boat? She lives right near Sydney Uni. I just needed to walk and clear my head, and I ended up at a theatre there. Then I overheard this music coming out of a rehearsal room.’
‘What were you doing at the theatre?’
‘I was thirsty. Anyway, there was a girl composing a song. I can’t explain it, Reuben. I had to get involved. I memorised what I’d heard of the song and wrote it out and re-wrote it. Then added to it and . . . sent it back to her.’
‘You what?’
‘And she was rightly furious. Then she wasn’t. And, to cut a long story short, we met. That’s the call I took on the Harbour Bridge during the video shoot. And that’s when it got interesting, because the songwriter was her. Elle!’
‘The girl from the concert? She was writing the song?’ Reuben looks baffled.
‘Not only that song, either. Since then, we’ve written another one. She’s incredible. And it was going fine, but then . . . well, I kissed her . . .’
‘That’s bad?’
‘Not on one level. On one level it was pretty much x-rated — at least in my mind!’
‘So she rejected you?’
‘No.’
Reuben looks confused. ‘She kissed you back?’
Angus gets lost for a few seconds in the memory of it. The way she seemed so unsure at first, and then so sure. He puts his head in his hands. ‘Reuben, I’m not exaggerating. It was the best. Ever.’
Reuben raises his eyebrows like this is some mighty claim. Which it is, really. Angus hasn’t been short of attention.
‘She knows what she’s doing, then,’ Reuben notes.
Angus shakes his head. ‘Actually no, I don’t think she does.’ They sit there and digest that thought for a minute. ‘I just don’t think I’m good for her. I don’t want people assuming things about her because she’s with me. Reuben, she is that good. She could make it. I want her to make it. So I sent her away. Fast. I think I mucked up that part.’
Reuben looks like he’s genuinely trying to find the right advice. But it’s hard.
‘I really want to call her and see if she’s okay. I practically threw her out. It was that or kiss her again, and . . .’
‘Don’t call her.’
‘What?’
‘It’s simple. You’ve got to quit the mixed messages. Either you decide to take things further, or you decide to keep it strictly professional. There’s no halfway. You’re leaving the country soon. That’s more than enough to really mess with this girl. Do you want to break her heart?’
Of course he doesn’t. That’s the last thing he’d ever deliberately do.
So it’s his own heart that he’s going to have to break instead. If he hasn’t done that already.
It hurts.
Chapter 43
On the cab drive home, three disturbing thoughts occur to Kat:
1. She’s mucked everything up with Joel.
2. She’s definitely messed everything up with Angus — possibly including her career.
3. She’s in danger of losing Lucy.
The last one is worrying her sick. She missed a text from Lucy saying they never seem to talk any more, telling Kat how much she misses her. And it’s mutual. She doesn’t just miss Lucy, she needs her right now. She wants more than anything to catch up with what’s going on in the real world, to tell her what happened tonight and see if they can piece together what went wrong. But she can’t.
Being down three friends in one night is probably the worst feeling she’s ever had. She’s never felt so entirely alone, and even the prospect of recording her first song on Saturday isn’t cheering her up. In fact, under the circumstances, she wants to run a million miles from any kind of song recording. She really doesn’t want to face Angus again. She’s completely confused about what happened tonight. One minute, things were fine. They were writing music and it felt so right. And then it all fell apart so suddenly! So catastrophically! She doesn’t even know how it happened. He had been the one to start it, but the way he practically threw her out of the hotel suite afterwards . . . She feels so bad about it all. How is it even possible to feel bad about something that felt that good?
She checks her phone every few seconds, hoping he’ll text. Or call. Or something. All she wants is to hear everything is okay. She needs some explanation. He suddenly couldn’t wait to get rid of her. Why? After all, he did say the kiss was ‘incredible’. She smiles at the thought. Incredible? She thought so, too, but to hear him say it . . .
Her phone vibrates and she jumps. It’s Joel. At the sight of his name, she feels instantly guilty. What has she done tonight? She hasn’t cheated — they’re not even together, but things felt like they were moving in that direction. Maybe. He’s so nice — she really likes him.
She really likes both of them, actually. How can that even be possible? Is that normal? She’s totally confused. At the rate she’s going, it’s not going to matter anyway, because both boys seem to be slipping through her fingers.
Joel’s message pings again. ‘Kat, I’ve been wanting to talk to you all day. You up?’
She feels strange at the thought of calling him back. He’ll ask her how things went with Angus and if she doesn’t tell him about the kiss, she’ll feel really bad. She can’t tell him about it, though. At the same time, she can’t avoid him. He’s got something to tell her. The thing he’s already discussed with Sarah. And if she doesn’t find out the bad news now, she might lie awake all night stewing about it.
Right. She takes a deep breath and hits his number.
‘Joel? It’s me.’
‘Hi. I’m glad you called back. How are you? Sarah said you rushed out of rehearsal tonight.’
Of course she told him that. Is nothing private?
‘It all started getting to me. And Joel, now that you mention her — I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me about Sarah.’
She can hear him sighing. ‘Kat, there is something. But I can’t talk about it.’
‘Why not?’
‘I just can’t, okay? I’m sorry.’
She hates this. It’s like Joel and Sarah are a club of two, and she’s trying to work out the secret code to be allowed in.
‘I need to tell you something else,’ he says. ‘I’ve had some good news, career-wise. It’s an internship opportunity that I can’t pass up. But it means I’m going to be unavailable for the next few months, most days.’ He pauses, then adds, ‘I’d hoped to be around to hang out with you a bit. If you’d have liked that . . .’
That’s his secret? That’s fantastic news for him. And she would have liked to hang out with him. She wou
ld have liked it a lot.
‘Well, that’s great! I’m happy for you, Joel.’
‘I’ve missed you the last couple of days,’ he says.
She’s missed him, too, although how can she even be thinking like this, after what happened tonight with Angus? It’s all so messed up!
‘I’m getting in way over my head,’ she says, suddenly.
‘With me?’
‘With you. With Angus. With the song. With everything. It’s all out of control. I don’t even know what I’m doing! It’s all so fast . . .’
‘Hey, it’s okay. It will be okay. You’re doing fine.’
‘If only I was,’ she blurts out. ‘I’m mucking everything up.’
There’s a pause at the other end, and she immediately regrets having started this conversation.
‘Did something happen tonight? With Angus?’ Joel asks, carefully.
Oh no. Now what?
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
He takes some time to speak again, but when he does, he says something she isn’t expecting. ‘I think you and I need to have a talk about us.’
There’s an ‘us’?
‘It’s not fair for me to do this, right before I head into six months of internship lockdown, but I want to ask you anyway. Is there any chance we could, you know, see each other? If there is, I’ll make it work somehow.’
Kat doesn’t know what to say. Isn’t this exactly what she wanted, from the moment she met McDreamy on the train? If Joel had asked her yesterday, the answer would have been YES, unreservedly. She’d have waited six months for him, happily. Saying yes now, though, seems to mean saying no to Angus. It’s a ridiculous thought. Angus hasn’t even mentioned . . . anything. Worse, he appears to have said ‘no’ to her already tonight — and she didn’t even ask him a question!
Really, Angus treated her pretty badly. So, why is she hesitating?
‘Kat?’
‘Um . . .’ Say something, Kat! Stop tripping over your words and just spit something out!
She hears herself saying, ‘All right.’
‘All right? You mean yes? You’re sure about that?’
No, she’s not sure. Not anywhere near close. ‘Yes. I’m saying yes.’
She can practically hear his smile. ‘Wow. I wasn’t sure how you felt.’
Neither was she. She still isn’t. What on earth is she doing?
Chapter 44
Joel is stunned. She said yes? He’s not even going to be around much soon. Something happened tonight with Angus and still . . . she said yes! To him! A uni student without even one bestselling single to his name, let alone an album — or five.
‘My internship starts on Monday, which means I’ve only got this weekend free for a while. What about you?’
‘I’m recording on Saturday morning. Angus said he’ll book the studio for three hours. Then I think I’m free?’
He guesses she’s sounding so unsure because this is all pretty new. Not just the two of them in a relationship of some sort, but maybe dating in general. Go slow, Joel. SLOW.
‘I could pick you up from the studio? It’s going to be hot. We could go to Coogee? Grab something to eat there. Maybe a swim if you feel like it?’
She pauses for a second. ‘Okay. I’ll text you the studio address.’
She sounds ruffled, and it makes him smile. He likes her so much. The timing couldn’t be worse, but he promised he’d make it work and he will. Who needs sleep, anyway?
Apparently, Kat’s cab is pulling into her street, so she says she’ll see him on the weekend and ends the call. The thought of seeing her is amazing. He, Joel Isaacson, introverted med student with zero experience dating soon-to-be celebrities, is collecting his ‘girlfriend’ from a recording studio on Saturday. Can he even call her that yet?
Probably not, but he will anyway. Even just to himself. He’s never agonised over the technicalities of this before, in any of the relationships he’s previously had. But he’s never really felt this invested in a relationship before, either. There’s something about her. In all this craziness, she’s still Kat. Laughs like she means it. Eats food like it’s a good thing. She’ll probably still be ordering flat whites at the Grammys.
I can’t believe she said yes.
Joel arranges to meet Sarah for coffee while Kat’s at the studio. He needs to tell her about the date and protect their friendship from this new development. It’s not something he’s looking forward to, although knowing Sarah, she’ll make this as painless as possible for him. That’s just the kind of person she is.
They meet at their favourite cafe — a quirky one in Paddington where they can always get a table and never have to tell the wait staff their orders any more.
Joel gets there first, and sees her coming. In fact, everyone in the cafe sees her coming. She’s hard to miss, particularly in the morning sun. Blonde hair. Jeans. A white top. Crossing the road like a model.
She spots him and walks over. He stands up. They kiss each other on the cheek the way they always do. He enjoys it, like he always does, but even more so because he knows they’re being stared at. Or she is. And she’s with him.
He’s got to give up this fantasy now. He’s with Kat. And it’s not fair on Sarah, anyway, after she told him how she feels. While he’s at it, he should probably drop this ego-boost he’s always enjoyed when people notice them together.
‘How are you?’ he asks.
‘Feeling much better. How are you? Nervous?’
‘What?’
‘Are you nervous yet?’
She knows?
‘I am a bit. I didn’t think I would be, but the closer it gets, the more uptight I am.’
‘Don’t worry about it, Joel. You’ll be terrific. You’re a natural. And you’re going to learn a lot.’
Learn a lot? Well, he guesses that’s true, but he’s got approximately two hours before he picks up Kat, so any relationship tips from Sarah in the meantime would be well-received. ‘What do you think I need to learn?’ he asks. ‘Anything specific?’
‘Well, obviously. In the grand scheme of things, you hardly know anything yet!’
Does she have to be that blunt? He thought he had more experience with this relationship stuff than she did!
‘So, you’re okay with this, Sarah? I just need to know.’
She laughs. ‘It hasn’t really got anything to do with me, has it? Of course I’m okay with it! I think it’s perfect for you. I just want to see you happy.’
Is this the same girl who was sobbing in her shower only a week and a half ago? Either she’s putting on a brave face or she’s actually fine with it. She’s apparently giving him her blessing. This seems too easy.
‘Let’s talk about you,’ he says, thinking a change of subject is probably due. ‘Any chance of a law internship?’
She laughs, but there’s unexpected sadness in her eyes. ‘There probably is, you know. I just don’t know if I’d take it.’
What? This makes no sense. She’s been angling for anything to boost her career for as long as he’s known her. ‘What do you mean?’
She looks like she doesn’t want to start. He wants her to, though, because this is the first time he’s ever sensed doubt over her career path.
‘I hate it.’
‘Sorry?’
‘Joel, I hate it.’
What? ‘Sarah, I don’t understand. What are you talking about? I thought you loved law. You thrive on it!’
‘Blitzing it is not the same as thriving on it. I’m doing well at it. I’m good at it. I can do it. It’s just passionless for me. I’m miserable at the thought of sticking with it.’
This is so out of left field. ‘How long have you felt like this?’
‘Forever,’ she says, simply. ‘I’ve felt trapped forever. I’ve always had to do what my parents expected me to do, and they expect me to do this. So here I am.’
This is wrong. She can’t stay stuck like this.
‘What are your options?
’ he asks.
‘I could quit law and disappoint my parents. Dad would cut off my education payments and maybe never speak to me again, particularly if I took up full-time acting, like I’d love to. It’s awful, Joel.’
He can see that. ‘How did I not know this about you, Sarah?’
‘There’s a lot you don’t know about me.’
This is becoming painfully obvious. What with this and her last admission, he’s starting to wonder if he really ever knew her at all.
‘All my life, I’ve done what other people want. I’m constantly putting other people first or wondering how they’ll feel if I choose a certain path or make a particular decision. I go to bed each night hating everything. I hate this, Joel! My degree. My career path. All I want to do is sing and act!’
He’d thought she was great before, but this woman — the one before him right now — passionate and vulnerable and open and rebellious . . . this is not the Sarah he knows. Something stirs deep inside him.
‘So, if it wasn’t for your parents, what would you do?’ he asks.
‘Quit law. Do the musical. Backpack around Europe for six months. Apply for Juilliard in New York next year, even though only six per cent of applicants get in. And Joel, I am so close to doing that.’
New York? Okay . . . He’s never thought about Sarah not being here. They’ve lived in the same city all their lives. They were both on long study paths at the same uni, probably heading into parallel careers here in Sydney. But New York? The concept of her moving to the other side of the world, creating a life for herself that he would play little part in . . . there’s something about that that leaves him unimaginably empty.
‘You should do it,’ he says, even though the words hurt.
‘Would you miss me?’
‘Is that a rhetorical question?’
A moment passes between them and he can’t describe it. It’s like that movie, Sliding Doors, where Gwyneth Paltrow explores two different possible futures. There’s the future where things stay the same with Sarah, and then there’s the one where Sarah goes to New York. He’s grappling hard with the possibility of her leaving. No more spontaneous dinners out. No more nights on the couch watching her mind-numbingly boring romantic comedies. No more Saturday morning coffees. No more Sunday afternoon jogs through the park. No more of any of the things Joel suddenly understands have pretty much comprised a ‘relationship’. And for the longest time. A relationship he’s been taking entirely for granted.