by Anne Fraser
Before she could finish, he’d spun around, his expression so remote it stopped the words in her throat.
‘What’s wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?’ she managed at last.
He raked a hand through his hair. ‘Last night. It was a mistake. I’m sorry. I took advantage. It won’t happen again.’
Her pulse was beating in her temple as she placed the tray on the bedside table. ‘You didn’t take advantage, Nick. I wanted to just as much as you did.’
He groaned. ‘Tiggy, don’t say any more. You did what any caring woman would do. You gave comfort when it was needed.’
‘That’s hogwash, Nick. You can’t possibly think I slept with you because I thought you might die. I have no doubt that you’re going to be fine—just fine.’ That wasn’t exactly true, but she wasn’t about to admit it.
‘Then it was just one night? You don’t expect...? You’re not thinking that we might get back together again? Because that’s not going to happen.’
It was as if the bottom was falling out of her world. Of course, that’s exactly what she’d been thinking.
‘Why not?’ she said. ‘When this is all over perhaps we could...’
He laughed, a cold, mirthless sound, his eyes empty, bottomless pools. ‘I couldn’t do marriage six years ago, Tigs. What makes you think anything’s changed?’
Her hands were shaking and she laced her fingers together in case he noticed. ‘I see,’ she said quietly, unbearably aware of the tremor in her voice.
‘I still care about you, Tiggy, you know that. And you’re still the sexiest woman I have ever known, but that’s it. If I let you believe otherwise I’d be a bigger swine than I already am.’
Red rage swept through her. Of all the patronising things to say! She had been such an idiot to think, even for a second, that they had a chance. ‘Of course you haven’t changed, Nick. Sex is all that matters to you. That and the admiration of your troops. You’re still the selfish, self-centred man I married. You only care about satisfying your own needs. Well, let me tell you, I’ve changed. Last night was...was just meaningless sex.’
She knew she was lashing out to hide her own pain but she didn’t care. She searched around for something else to say, knowing but uncaring that she wanted to hurt him the way he’d hurt her.
‘You’re not a man who does relationships, you think I don’t know that? It’s the men out there who use up all your sympathy, all your heart. It’s not their fault that there’s nothing left for the rest of us.’
Her throat was so tight with the need to cry she could hardly swallow. ‘Here’s your coffee. I hope you choke on it.’ And with that last, remarkably mature comment she stalked out of the room.
* * *
Nick had to stop himself from going after her. He’d hurt her, hurt her badly, and she was the last person in the world who deserved it.
What had he been thinking when he’d made love to her last night? The truth was he hadn’t been thinking, not with his head anyway. When he’d woken from whatever nightmare had had him in its grip this time and had found her bending over him, her silky curls a whisper on his chest, the smell of the honey and jasmine of her perfume, his reaction had been immediate. And uncontrollable.
He’d dreamt of holding her so many times it had been impossible to push her away. So selfishly, his mind filled with his need for her, he’d accepted what she’d so innocently offered, without thinking about the consequences.
But when he’d woken up to find her gone, the sheet where her body had lain still warm from her skin, the scent of her still on his fingers, filling his senses, cold rational thought had returned. Too late perhaps, but it had come anyway.
He would give anything to be with Tiggy again. And it would be so different this time—but, hell, he couldn’t. He had nothing to offer her. He had even less to offer than when he’d left her six years ago. In a few days’ time he could be paralysed—or dead.
He cursed under his breath. She was right. He’d behaved in the worst possible way. He was a selfish bastard. But not selfish enough that he would tie her to a man who might end up having to be cared for. He’d done the wrong thing by agreeing to come home with her, but he could do the right thing now. He had to leave her to get on with her life. Without him.
Even if the thought of that ripped him in two.
* * *
Tiggy dried her eyes, resenting the fact they were still red. She had stayed in the shower for almost an hour. Every time she thought she had herself together, she’d start sobbing again. It was almost as if she was finally grieving for Nick.
Now she knew she’d always been waiting for him to see sense and come back to her. Now she knew with absolute certainty that it wasn’t going to happen.
She sniffed loudly and pressed a cold cloth to her red-rimmed eyes. She was damned if she was going to let him see how much he’d hurt her. It was some while before she was ready to leave the bathroom. She’d promised to drive Nick to the hospital and that’s what she’d do.
It didn’t matter what he said, she was still his wife and she would be with him, at least until after the surgery. After that—supposing he came through—he was on his own. And if he didn’t? She wouldn’t think about that now. She was barely managing to cope with her thoughts as it was. She would face it if and when it had to be faced, and not a moment before.
When she was dressed she went to tell Nick it was time to leave, but he wasn’t in his room or the sitting room.
Then she noticed the note on the table.
She picked it up. As she read it, her heart disintegrated.
Dear Tiggy,
I’ve taken a taxi to hospital.
I think it’s best if we don’t see each other again.
I’m sorry about last night. Sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. If I could change the past, or who I am, to make you happy, I would.
But I can’t.
Take care.
Nick.
Tiggy stared at the letter before crumpling it into a ball. Where did Nick get off telling her what she could and couldn’t do? And in a note!
She deserved more than that.
She was done with him treating her like she didn’t have a mind of her own.
Cold fury was rapidly taking over. Who the hell did he think he was? What gave him the right to waltz in and out of her life when it suited him?
If he thought she was going to accept a note as a goodbye, he had another think coming. And she planned to tell him so.
But first there was someone she needed to talk to.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
‘WHY DIDN’T YOU tell me this before?’
Tiggy’s mum slid a cup of tea in front of her.
‘Because...I thought you’d disapprove,’ Tiggy admitted. ‘I know you’re angry with Nick. I didn’t know how to tell you he was back.’
Her mother pushed a lock of hair from Tiggy’s face before sitting down opposite her.
As always, when Tiggy was in trouble she found herself turning to her mum. It didn’t matter that she was thirty-six and should be able to work out her own problems. Somehow everything felt clearer once she’d talked it over with her mother.
‘It doesn’t matter what I think. And, for the record, I’m not angry with Nick. It takes two to make, or break, a marriage.’
Her words had Tiggy sitting bolt upright. ‘You can’t possibly think that the break-up was anything to do with me,’ she spluttered. ‘No way. He was the one who put an end to it.’
Her mother raised an eyebrow and Tiggy’s cheeks reddened. Whose side was her mother on?
‘Well, I may have left, but I always meant to go back. I mean I did, the next day. But he’d gone. He didn’t even try to get me back. God, Mum, he didn’t even wait a day before he was off.’
‘But the fact is you did leave first.’
Tiggy jumped to her feet. ‘I can’t believe you’re saying that!’
‘For heaven’s sake, Tiggy, sit down. I’m not saying that you were to
blame for the break-up, but I’m not saying he was either. All I am saying is it takes two. You were always stubborn. And I always thought there was more to Nick than met the eye. That man is hiding something.’
‘You never said!’
‘It wasn’t my place. You were his wife. It was for the two of you to work things out.’
‘What do you mean, hiding something?’ It was so close to what Tiggy had suspected that her heart sank. ‘You mean like an affair?’
Her mother shot her a look of disbelief. ‘No, of course not that. You couldn’t have known your husband as well as you think you did if you believed that for one moment. Nick may be a complicated man but he’s an honest one. It was clear to everyone who saw you two together that the man worshipped the ground you walked on.’
Tiggy sat back down at the table. ‘Worshipped the ground I walked on? Really, Mum? Then how do you explain why he shut me out all the time? And...’ her voice hitched ‘...never came back to me? If he really cared for me, why didn’t he fight for our marriage? I loved him so much.’
‘It seems to me, darling girl, that perhaps Nick isn’t the man you wanted him to be. Perhaps he wasn’t right for you. Not if you wanted him to be something he couldn’t be.’
‘You are so wrong. I didn’t want Nick to change. I loved him and all that he was.’
But despite her protestations a horrible little thought was snaking its way inside her head. Could her mother be right? Had she been at least partly at fault? Had she given up too soon?
‘Do you still love him?’ her mother asked.
He had broken her heart and was still breaking it, so there was only one answer.
‘Yes. I’ll never stop loving him.’
Her mother sighed. ‘What are you going to do now?’
‘Nothing. What can I do? He doesn’t want me in his life. He told me so this morning.’
Her mother reached out a hand across the table. ‘You hear what he’s saying, but what is he feeling? Do you really know for sure?’
‘How can I know? He doesn’t talk to me!’
‘Then the question, surely, is why not? Has he ever said he doesn’t love you any more?’
‘No...’
‘Is it possible you gave up on him too soon and not the other way around?’
Tiggy stood up. ‘All I know is that I won’t let him treat me as if I don’t matter.’
Her mother arched an eyebrow. ‘Well, then, isn’t it time you told him so?’
CHAPTER TWELVE
NICK GLANCED UP to find Tiggy bearing down on him like some sort of avenging angel. He could tell from the set of her mouth that she was seriously hacked off. He groaned. He should have known she would do what she wanted to do regardless of how much he tried to prevent her.
He looked around for an escape route but Tiggy was between him and the only way out of the ward. Besides, he was confined to bed. He’d been given his pre-med a few minutes earlier and was already feeling groggy.
‘So,’ she said, her eyes glinting dangerously, ‘at least you turned up for your op.’
‘Of course I did,’ he said. ‘Once I make a decision I stick to it.’
‘Why didn’t you let me know where you were last night?’
‘I was in a hotel. I thought it best.’ He’d walked away from her because he’d believed it was the right thing to do. Even if it had taken every ounce of his willpower. The thought that he’d never see her again had torn him apart, and only the knowledge that he’d been doing the right thing had stopped him from turning up on her doorstep and taking her back into his arms.
‘Well, I’m here to tell you something.’ She wagged a finger at him. ‘Don’t you ever decide what’s best for me. I make that decision.’
Her words made him smile. All he’d ever wanted to do was protect Tiggy. But she was right. She had coped, more than coped, in the years they’d been apart. He’d clearly underestimated her. Then—and now.
‘I’m not finished yet, so you can lose the smile. When you’re discharged from the hospital, you’re coming home with me.’ She held up a hand as if to ward off his protests. ‘No arguing. As you pointed out, the house still half belongs to you.’ She dropped her voice. ‘We meant something to each other once, Nick. As you say, that’s in the past, but I’m still your wife. For better or worse. You can go as soon as you’re on your feet. I won’t...’ He was getting increasingly woozy but were those tears in her eyes? ‘I won’t hold you back from leaving, I promise, but until then you’re my responsibility. Get it?’ She leaned over the bed and kissed him on the lips. ‘Get through this, Nick. Do whatever you have to, but get through this.’
* * *
A short while later Nick was wheeled down to theatre. The operation, as the surgeon, Dr Wiseman, had explained, would take a few hours. He couldn’t say exactly how long as that would depend on what he discovered when he opened up Nick’s back. In the meantime, Tiggy was welcome to wait in the relatives’ room.
* * *
The waiting was the worst part. What if something went wrong? If Nick died on the table, how would she bear it?
But that wasn’t going to happen. She had to believe that the operation would be a success.
She would wait, make sure he was all right. And then? As she’d promised, as soon as the hospital was happy, she’d take him home until he was back on his feet. After that? She didn’t know.
She heard a soft footstep and looked up to find her mother, father and two brothers standing in the doorway.
‘Mum, Dad? Charlie, Alan? What are you doing here?’
They smiled down at her. ‘Did you think for one moment we were going to let you do this on your own?’ her mother asked. And then before she knew it she was in the safe cocoon of her family’s arms.
* * *
It was several hours later before Luke came to tell her that the operation was over. Her family made a small half-circle around her as they waited for Luke to speak.
‘It went better than we hoped,’ he said. ‘We managed to remove the shrapnel without too much difficulty. We won’t know if there’s residual nerve damage for a while, and your husband will be in ITU for a few hours before we transfer him to the ward, but...’ he smiled at Tiggy ‘...I think it’s safe to say that he’s going to be fine.’
Relief made her feel dizzy. Nick was okay. That was all that really mattered.
‘Can I see him?’ Tiggy asked.
‘Yes of course, although I’m afraid you’re the only one allowed in at this stage.’
Tiggy said goodbye to her family, promising to phone them later, and hurried along to ITU. Steeling herself for what she’d find, she walked briskly towards him.
As she’d expected, there were lines everywhere and Nick looked pale. To her relief, he wasn’t on a ventilator.
She sat down next to the bed and studied him, noticing how the lines had deepened on his forehead and around his eyes.
Her heart tightened. He’d hate her to see him like this. That was part of the problem in their marriage. He’d never needed her—not in the way she’d needed him. And whatever had happened out there in Afghanistan, whatever had been eating at his soul, he hadn’t been able to share that either. For the first time she realised that what her mother had said was true—she’d failed Nick as much as he’d failed her.
Could this be their second chance? She didn’t know if the wounds they’d inflicted on each other were too deep to ever heal and she didn’t even know if Nick could ever love her again, but what she did know was that she wasn’t going to give up on him this time without a fight.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
WHEN TIGGY RETURNED that evening, she was delighted to find that Nick had been taken out of ITU and put in High Dependency instead. Luke was standing at the end of his bed, studying his chart.
‘How is he?’ Tiggy whispered.
‘He’s doing great. He’s so fit I suspect he’ll be back on his feet much sooner than we imagined.’
Tiggy smiled. �
�I have no doubt of it.
Nick’s eyes flickered open. ‘Hi, Tigs,’ he said drowsily. ‘You look cute.’ Then he fell asleep again.
‘I’ll leave you two alone,’ Luke said. ‘You know how to call for help if you need it.’
Tiggy remained by Nick’s bed, unable to bring herself to leave him even to go for a coffee, until the nurses insisted that visiting was over.
The next morning she was told he’d continued to make such good progress that he’d been transferred onto the surgical ward. He was still on a saline drip but was conscious.
As she approached, he threw back the covers.
‘Just what do you think you’re doing?’ Tiggy asked, pressing him back against the pillows.
‘I need to pee.’
‘Then you’ll have to use a bottle. You’re not allowed out of bed until tomorrow.’
‘You expect me to pee in a bottle?’ He couldn’t have sounded more outraged had she suggested he rob a bank.
‘I’ll fetch one for you, shall I?’ Now she knew he was going to be okay, Tiggy was beginning to enjoy herself.
He glared at her. ‘If you think for one minute I’m about to lie here while you help me use a bottle, think again.’
‘I’ll get one of the nurses, then.’
Nick looked as if he was about to argue, but then sank back on the pillows. ‘I suppose if I have to.’
‘But the nurses are busy...’ she smiled down at him ‘...so after you’ve finished with the bottle, I’ll be giving you your bed bath.’
‘You have got to be kidding!’
‘Nope. ’Fraid not.’
Nick was prevented from saying anything in reply by the arrival of the nurse.
Tiggy fetched a basin of warm water and waited until the nurse had taken away the bottle before she popped behind the screens.
Nick studied her warily. ‘You’re not serious about this bed-bath stuff.’