14
‘Where the hell is it?’ Barbie asked accusatorially. ‘My father sold you a perfect stone.’ She looked down at the ringless finger and then back up at Bina, whose face was scrunched up as she tried to hold back tears. ‘Wait a minute!’ Barbie said as the light began to dawn with some approaching horror. To her credit, there was true concern in her high-pitched voice. ‘Bina, is everything okay with Jack?’
Two waiters arrived and began distributing plates of chicken and vegetables. Kate hoped it would give Bina a distraction but she paid no attention to the bland food in front of her.
‘Yes…in a way,’ Bina managed. Bev and Barbie exchanged looks, then frowned.
‘Okay. How is it okay?’ Barbie asked.
‘Well, after his trip we’ll get…we’ll probably get engaged then, after…’
‘I knew it!’ Bev exclaimed. ‘Mercury is in retrograde!’
‘Very true,’ Brice said. ‘It’s affected my whole law practice.’
But the distraction didn’t work. ‘You lost him, Bina!’ Barbie said. ‘After six years on the hook, you still couldn’t reel him in?’
‘Barbie!’ Kate remonstrated. Elliot put his arm protectively around Bina’s little shoulder.
‘Oh, God! Are you holding up okay?’ Bev asked with genuine sympathy.
‘Yes…and no,’ Bina said, and then began to cry outright.
‘Well, is it yes or no?’ Barbie asked.
‘Looks like no to me,’ Johnnie said. ‘Uh, we’ll get some drinks,’ he offered and he and Bobbie abandoned the table.
‘Honey, is there anything we can do to help?’ Barbie asked.
‘Well, I’ve been staying with Kate, and Elliot, Max and Brice have been a major support,’ Bina told her friends through her tears. ‘Look, I’m fine,’ she began. ‘I cried for a little while but now I have found’ – she looked fuzzily at Brice – ‘a new focus.’
‘Right!’ Barbie chimed in. ‘Focus on the possibilities.’ She smiled at Brice. ‘You miss one bus there’s always another. A door closes and a window opens. You lose one house and you find one next door.’
‘Wrong street,’ Elliot muttered, sotto voce, to Kate who shushed him.
‘Yeah, look at Bunny,’ Bev said, waving her hand with its unbelievably long nails toward the bridal table. ‘Less than three months ago she got dumped. Then she met her Arnie…and everything turned around.’
‘I don’t want everything to turn around,’ Bina sniffed. Kate was actually grateful for the wine Bina had consumed, because without it there would have been floods of tears. ‘I want Jack…’
Just then the waiters returned and removed the dishes, replacing them with a limp salad. A waltz began and, after the earlier nonsense music, the seductive swell of Strauss drew their heads to look out on the dance floor. Kate was, at first, glad of any diversion, but then realized the only dancers were Billy and Bunny whom he was expertly twirling around the floor. Kate had a momentary flash from the wonderful dance scene in The King and I, but Billy Nolan outdid Yul Brynner. Kate, along with every other woman in the room, admired his moves, his mastery and all the rest of him. His grace made Bunny look good. Spontaneous applause broke out and then other couples started to join them on the dance floor. Kate was about to casually ask about him when Bobbie and Johnnie returned to the table carrying a tray full of drinks. Kate was thankful for hers, but had trouble swallowing at the sight of Bina guzzling down a Jack Daniel’s and Coke.
‘Oh, look at Bunny! Thank God she lost those last five pounds,’ Barbie said. ‘I told her not to buy a size six when you’re an eight. It wasn’t like she had eight months to lose the weight. She’d been on the Häagen-Dazs diet after she got dumped the last time. Then bim bam boom and she’s getting married.’
‘It was in the stars,’ Bev said. Kate figured it was on the rebound but said nothing.
‘She bought the dress three weeks ago,’ Barbie told them. ‘And they only got this date at all because another couple eloped. It’s too bad. If she had done some Pilates she could have worn a bias cut. They’re big now.’
‘Stop!’ Kate interjected. ‘She looks beautiful because she’s happy.’
Brice looked out at the couples on the dance floor. ‘I’m not sure I like her dress but I like her taste in grooms,’ he said, snapping a Polaroid of Bunny and Billy as they passed by. There was greater interest and enthusiasm in Brice’s voice than Kate would’ve preferred, but it didn’t seem as if anyone else noticed.
‘Oh, that is not her husband!’ Barbie sneered. ‘That’s Billy.’ Apparently a raw spot had been touched. ‘He’s the guy who dumped her, but introduced her to Arnie.’
Then, as clear as a movie flashback, Kate remembered the glimpse she had gotten of the man in SoHo, the one Bina had pointed out. Of course. She had seen him before.
‘See, Bina? It could happen to you,’ Bev said, her voice warm with encouragement. ‘I’ll do your chart and see what’s up. It could be a Taurus,’ she added archly to Brice.
‘And what a lucky Taurus he would be,’ Brice said gallantly. He sat back in his chair and picked the developed picture of Billy off the table. ‘Ooh, pretty,’ he said to himself and slipped the photo into his pocket.
‘Sure,’ Bina slurred.
‘One day dumped and the next engaged,’ Barbie told her.
‘I have not been dumped!’ Bina exclaimed.
‘Can you believe Billy’s actually the best man?’ Barbie asked the table at large, apparently still stuck on the subject.
‘Didn’t you date him right before you met me?’ Johnnie asked his wife. Bev blushed as she nodded that indeed she had dated the man in question. ‘I went out with him for a few weeks, right before we met, but it didn’t work out.’ She leaned over and kissed her husband. ‘Anyway, he’s an Aries,’ she offered by way of explanation.
‘He’s an asshole,’ Barbie clarified. ‘He’s the asshole who dumped Bunny.’
For once Kate was forced to agree with Barbie. Her assessment of the guy had been right: too good-looking, too facile, too smooth.
‘Good old Billy,’ Bina said, clearly close to drunk. ‘Let’s drink to “Dumping Billy”.’
‘“Dumping Billy”?’ Elliot asked with interest. ‘Why do you call him that?’
‘Because he’s turned dumping women into a major lifestyle,’ Barbie told him.
‘He’s not really a bad guy,’ Bev said in Billy’s favor. ‘It’s hard for an Aries to commit.’
‘I can’t believe you actually dated him,’ Johnnie said, which indicated to Kate just how quickly his mind was moving.
‘Yes,’ she answered. ‘But I wasn’t the only one,’ she added defensively, ‘was I, Barbie?’
‘No,’ Barbie said bravely. ‘Billy was the last guy I dated before I got married to Bobbie. But he didn’t mean a thing to me. When I broke up with him…’
‘Excuse me?’ Bev asked. ‘Reality check. He broke up with you.’
‘Whatever. He’s not really so terrible. He’s fun and he’s got a great sense of style. It’s just that the word “commitment” isn’t in his vocabulary.’
Brice leaned across the table to whisper to Kate. ‘I was so right. This is much better than The Young and the Restless. But a lot less realistic.’
‘That’s because soap operas are art and this is not real life,’ Kate told him. She didn’t even want to imagine the feedback she’d get from these two after this nightmare was over.
Kate looked over at Elliot who had taken out a pencil and paper. ‘Let me see if I have all the facts right…’ he said to himself. She wondered what in the world he could be up to but didn’t get a chance to ask.
Because, just then, Bina stood up unsteadily and decided that this was the moment to announce to the assembly just how unhappy she was. ‘Ladies and gentlemen,’ she said. ‘You are looking at Bina Horowitz, loser and future spinsper.’
‘Spinster,’ Brice corrected.
‘Whatever,’ Bina said and tried to climb
up on her chair. Elliot caught her before she fell but he couldn’t stop her from raising her voice. ‘Single women can have children, you know. Not just Rosie O’Donnell. Michael Jackson did it and he wasn’t even a woman. I’m a woman, goddamnit!’
Despite the incredible din in the room, people were beginning to stare. Luckily, at that moment, the sound system crackled and Billy Nolan’s voice covered Bina’s.
‘Excusez-moi,’ Billy tried once, and then tapped the microphone and said more loudly, this time in English, ‘Excuse me. Everyone?’ The chattering continued until finally he tapped the microphone so firmly that the high-pitched squeal of feedback quieted the crowd. ‘Stop talking!’ Billy nearly shouted at them all.
It was a perfect opportunity to get Bina calmed down. Kate and Brice tried to take her by the hand as Bina resisted. Meanwhile, over the speakers Billy Nolan seemed to be having trouble of his own. ‘Jeez, I know it’s imp-possible for B-Brooklyn women to b-be quiet, b-but if you could just g-give a guy a b-break here.’
Kate cringed as Billy struggled to regain control of his stammer. She looked down at the bracelet Michael had given her and sighed. Then she turned to see what Elliot thought of Billy, but he didn’t seem to be paying attention. In fact, he looked as if he was trying to solve a math problem. As the best man started to lift his glass in a toast, Elliot was frantically scribbling on his napkin with a pen.
‘I raise my glass to Arnie and Bunny,’ Billy began. ‘Toujours l’amour.’
‘Oh, Jesus,’ Barbie spat, rolling her eyes, ‘he’s pretending to be French again.’
‘Who in the hell does that guy think he is?’ Bobbie wanted to know. ‘Speak English!’ he shouted from the table.
‘Sorry.’ Billy blushed. ‘English it is.’ He took a deep breath and continued. ‘I, uh – I introduced Arnie to B-Bunny,’ he said quickly. ‘I’ve known Arnie for years and B-Bunny…well, I’ve known her, too!’ There was a general eruption of salacious hoots and catcalls that caused Bunny to blush, Arnie to hang his head in shame, and Billy to make his toast brief. ‘Congratulations to Arnie and Bunny!’ he said. ‘They’re good people. And marriage is a beautiful thing…to witness from afar. To Arnie and Bunny.’ He lifted his glass to signal that he was finished.
The crowd cheered and clinked their glasses with their silverware and Arnie and Bunny obligingly kissed. When the cheering and jeering had abated to a dull roar, Kate turned to the others at the table and asked, ‘Did you two really date him?’ Bev and Barbie nodded ruefully and shrugged their shoulders.
Dancing resumed. This should have been all right, since it would make slipping out unnoticed easier. It was a reception to dip into and out of, not swim in. Except Elliot stood up and excused himself from the table. ‘Where do you think you are going?’ Kate asked. ‘We ought to get Bina out of here.’
‘I’ll be right back,’ he said and hurried into the crowd.
Kate kept hold of Bina and watched as couples did the Twist and slow-danced to ‘Every Breath You Take’. Finally, Elliot returned. He had a self-congratulatory look on his face.
‘Where have you been?’ Kate demanded. ‘We must take Bina home. She’s ready to start doing the hora all by herself.’
‘I was just doing a little probability research,’ Elliot replied.
‘Great!’ Kate snapped. ‘Why? Going to set up a whole new group of word problems for third-grade math in a wedding hall? If X serves four cocktail wieners to three guests and Y serves two stuffed…’
‘Look, statistics are involved,’ Elliot said, ‘but no word problems will be solved. Merely a romantic one. You’ll see.’ He turned to Brice. ‘Get her left arm,’ he said, pointing at Bina. ‘And I’ll get her right.’ Without a word the two men surrounded Bina and coolly and unobtrusively led her away from the table, across the room and to the exit. Kate followed, forbidding herself to turn and take one last look at Billy.
15
Some days later, Kate walked down the wide, quiet hall of Andrew Country Day. She hadn’t seen Michael for over a week: he’d been off on a seminar and she’d been held hostage by Bina since the wedding. Tonight he was coming round to dinner and she expected he’d sleep over. She was looking forward to it.
She’d had a rough afternoon. Stevie Grossman, a fifth grader, was showing disturbing signs of schizophrenia – very unusual in a child his age, and heart-breaking. Kate knew he needed to see a psychiatrist – she had a friend at Ackerman Institute for the Family who might help – however, not only his parents but also Mr McKay were trying to minimize the boy’s troubles in the face of her professional advice.
As she passed Elliot’s third-grade classroom she caught a glimpse of him teetering on a chair, sticking transparencies on the windows. ‘MATH IS FUN!’ they said. He was hanging them so they showed their faces to the outside world and read backwards to the class.
‘Well, that ought to convince them,’ she teased. She needed her dose of Elliot to cheer her up. ‘Good for the dyslexics, at least.’
Elliot whirled, startled by her voice, and nearly fell off the chair. He grabbed at the window to steady himself, then looked down at her and smiled. ‘Nice to see you, too,’ he sighed. ‘Andrew Country Day. Home of learning for learning’s sake.’ Quite apart from Wall Street, Elliot could have made a lot more money as an academic or working in a New York City public school, but he loved teaching mathematics, hated disciplining kids and wanted to work with the best and the brightest. The trouble with Andrew was that every child was expected to be the best and the brightest by their type A parents, and a single B on a report card was testament to failure. Kate thought again of poor Stevie’s frightened face.
Kate walked in and took a seat in Elliot’s chair, putting her feet up on his desk. Maybe he could suggest something she could do for Stevie. But he beat her to the punch. ‘How’s Bina doing?’ he asked, swiping at her feet to get them off the desk.
‘As well as can be expected,’ Kate said, shrugging her shoulders. After the wedding Bina had agreed to go home to face the music and begin her ‘exploration of singleness’. Somehow that translated into coming over to Kate’s constantly for sympathy, and getting gossip about Jack from Max.
‘Poor Bina,’ Elliot said. ‘I really like her.’
‘So do I,’ Kate agreed. ‘She’s like a sister to me.’
‘I liked Bev and Barbie, too,’ Elliot said. ‘What a hoot.’
‘Well, I wasn’t as close to them,’ Kate reminded Elliot. ‘But I’m glad you and Brice had fun.’
‘Fun? Brice hasn’t talked about anything else since. He’s dying for the next installment.’
‘There is no next installment. It’s not a soap opera. It’s life, sort of. Bina is back managing her father’s office. Maybe she’ll meet some guy who needs a spinal adjustment.’
‘I’d like to see Bina,’ Elliot said.
‘Look, Brooklyn isn’t a spectator sport.’ Kate stood up. She didn’t want to hold her friends up to derision and criticism, even if she derided them and criticized them herself. ‘Bina is very low. She had a lot invested in Jack.’ She sighed. ‘I’ve gotta go. I have a date with Michael tonight.’
‘Sit down another minute,’ Elliot requested, for once without saying a word against Michael. Kate was surprised enough to do it, but only at the edge of the seat, ready for a quick exit if he got started. ‘Look,’ he said. ‘I think I have a way to help Bina.’
‘Oh, Elliot. Please…’ Kate began, rolling her eyes. ‘Unless you have a written proposal from Jack in your pocket there’s nothing you can…’
‘Just listen,’ he told her. ‘This might be as good as a written proposal.’
Kate looked at him with false expectation, as if he were about to reveal the secrets of the mummy’s tomb.
‘Remember how at the wedding Barbie said she got dumped by that gorgeous guy?’
‘What gorgeous guy?’ Kate asked as if she didn’t know. She had had a dream and though she couldn’t remember it clearly when she’d awoken
, she thought Billy Nolan was in it. She’d put it out of her mind until this moment and it irritated her that Elliot had brought it up.
‘The best man. Billy,’ Elliot reminded her. ‘Remember? The one who looked like a much more handsome Matt Damon.’
‘Oh, yeah. The toaster. What about him?’ Kate said, her irritation showing. She tried to look bored.
‘Well, Barbie dated him.’
‘Barbie dated everyone,’ Kate said. ‘She’d just about run out of Brooklyn and had to start on Staten Island.’
‘Try and hold your focus,’ Elliot said. ‘As you may or may not remember, Bunny also dated and got dumped by Billy. Right before she married Arnie.’
‘Bunny had really bad luck with men,’ Kate said. ‘So?’
‘Well, she had good luck, as you call it, after Billy…if you consider Arnie good luck.’
Kate shrugged and tried to remember if she had picked up her white blouse from the dry cleaner’s or not. She wanted to wear it tonight. ‘And your point would be?’
‘Well, Bev had dated Billy, been dumped, then got married too. When I noted this odd probability my brilliant mathematical mind went into high gear and I started to do some digging.’
‘And?’ said Kate.
‘And so…’ Elliot continued, sounding a little annoyed. ‘And so, I went on a little fact-finding mission and found out six women at the wedding dated Billy and got dumped by him.’
‘So he’s a slut,’ Kate said. She thought of the way Billy had charmed her and was surprised there weren’t thirty women there he’d disappointed. ‘Wow, Elliot. You’re a regular Sherlock Holmes.’
‘You’re not getting the picture here. You remember how I had to help you with statistics?’
‘How could I forget? You remind me at every possible opportunity.’
‘Well, I’m a genius,’ Elliot told her. ‘Geniuses are always disrespected.’ He spoke primly, holding his nose a little higher. ‘Stay with me here, Kate. You’ll see. All six of these women, after getting dumped by Billy, married the very next man they dated.’
Uptown Girl Page 12