“So am I supposed to tell you then that the reason it’s not his kid is because he died getting me out of a jam? I wanted to marry you, Serena. I wanted to provide for this child, and omitting this information didn’t seem likely to cause as much hurt as the admission of my role in his death. I was trying to protect you and what we had.”
She released a self-deprecating laugh. “What we had? We don’t have anything.”
“We do have something—”
“No. It’s not real, Hunter. With you, I needed more than a game of twenty questions. I needed a thousand, because you’ll never simply reveal information about yourself. Everything has to be pried out of you. And now I have to wonder what else you haven’t told me. What other secrets are lurking, waiting to jump out at the most inopportune moments.”
“There isn’t any other secret that will hurt you.”
“And how do you know if you haven’t told me? How can you judge what will hurt me and what won’t? We have children to consider.”
“I’m aware of that.”
“What do I tell them? What do I tell Riker?”
“It’s not something that they really need to know.”
“Need to know? That’s your mantra, isn’t it? What do people need to know?”
“It’s what I’ve been trained to consider. I’ve been taught to analyze risks—”
“And you knew telling me was a risk. That if you told me, you might lose me?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re losing me now because you didn’t tell me. Can you at least tell me why you are responsible for Steve’s death?”
“Because I’m the one they were sent in to rescue.”
Serena stared at him as though he’d spoken in a foreign language. “Rescue? From what?”
“I’d been captured.”
“Where?”
“I can’t say.”
“Because you didn’t know?”
“Because it’s classified. Where I was, what I was doing, what I was to accomplish…it can’t be discussed. Leaks could jeopardize other operations. You have no idea the things that go on, that can’t be talked about.”
Serena kept feeling as though she’d been dropped into a bad movie. “Were you tortured?”
“What difference does that make?”
None, she supposed. Why couldn’t she have fallen for an insurance salesman?
Because an insurance salesman didn’t appeal to her. Hunter did. He made her heart pound with longing, her skin tingle with desire. He made her smile and laugh. He made her grateful that she was in his life and he was in hers.
He was taking on too much responsibility for Steve’s death. He’d been a prisoner, they’d gone in to rescue him. How did that make him responsible? She didn’t see that it did.
But she didn’t trust him. She was beginning to think she didn’t trust herself, her ability to make a good decision.
“I don’t blame you for what happened to Steve, but I don’t trust you either. I don’t understand this world you inhabit. You and Dan speak in code. If I make a wrong assumption, you let me live with it.”
“You’re talking about the unemployment—”
“I’m talking about everything. I can’t live like this. With secrets. You won’t talk about your job, your family, your childhood.” She held up the matchbook. “This man was an important part of my life—and you knew him. But you didn’t trust me enough to reveal what you knew about him. If you don’t trust me, then you can never love me, because you can’t love someone you can’t trust.”
She felt the tears stinging her eyes. “And I can’t trust you.” So I can’t love you. Those were the words she needed to say, but couldn’t. “I need you to leave. You can’t live here with me and Riker.”
“Okay. I’ll gather up my things. Check into a motel.”
“There’s really no need for you to stay in town.”
“I want to be in town in case you need me. At least until I have to report to Langley.”
“Do what you have to do.”
“What about Riker?”
“I’ll explain things to him.”
“Did you want me to be there with you when you talk to him?” he asked.
“No.”
“Serena, it was never my plan to hurt you.”
“You might not have planned it,” she said, “but you accomplished it just the same.” She paused. “I may want a divorce right after this baby is born,” she told him, wanting to hurt him as much as she was hurting right now.
He nodded. “If you think that’s best. I told you that I wouldn’t fight you on anything you wanted. I meant it.”
“But you said he’d be my dad.”
Serena had never felt so desolate. It had hurt watching Hunter pack up his things and leave. It had hurt when he’d called to give her his room number at the motel. And it had hurt more than she thought possible when Riker had come home from Jason’s looking for his dad.
“I know I told you that he would be your dad—”
“So he should live with us.”
They were in the kitchen, Riker standing mulishly before her, refusing to give any ground in the argument. He needed a father and she’d thought she’d found him one.
“Riker, Hunter and I got married before we knew each other very well, and we’ve discovered that we need a little more time before he lives here with us.”
“Why?”
Because he didn’t trust me enough to tell me that he knew your dad. Because I don’t know what other secrets he has. And because you’re too young to understand and I don’t want to hurt you, I can’t tell you any of this.
“For a man and woman to live together, they should love each other.”
“Don’t you love him?”
She did. In spite of everything, she did. And that was the reason that it hurt so badly that he didn’t trust her. “Riker—”
“When will I see him?”
“I don’t know.”
“But he was going to teach me more karate. And take me to ball games. We had it all planned.”
“I’ll talk to him, but you shouldn’t make too many plans or get too attached to him, because he’ll be leaving in a couple of weeks.”
“Why?”
“He has to go to work.”
“But he can work here.”
“No, he works for a big company, and he can’t do his work here.”
She hated the vagueness, hated trying to juggle her comments so she protected her son.
“Can I go back over to Jason’s?”
“Yes. I’ll call you home for supper.”
As he headed out the door, she heard him murmur, “This sucks.”
Unfortunately, she had to agree.
It was close to midnight when she heard Jack drive up. As police chief, he kept the most atrocious hours.
She hurried out the front door and across the lawn. “Jack!” she called out softly.
He stopped walking toward his house, glanced over at her, and grinned. “Hey, Serena.”
Then she was in his arms, and she thought a hug had never felt so good. She didn’t know where she’d find the strength to let him go, but she knew she had to. She leaned away from him. “I need to talk to you. Can you come over for a little while?”
“Sure, let me check on Kelley and I’ll be right over. What’s up?”
“I don’t want to give it to you in bits and pieces. I’ll wait until you come over.” She didn’t know where to begin, and she was afraid once she got started, she wouldn’t be able to stop.
She scampered back across the damp lawn, went into the house, and waited what seemed an eternity. She scrubbed down the kitchen counter and had just started working on the sink when she heard the rap on the back door. She’d known Jack would come to the back. He always did.
She opened the door. “Come on in. Can I get you something to eat or drink?”
“No, I’m fine.” He yawned. “Just tired. What’s up?”
Guilt assailed her. He’d been working all night, and here she was infringing on his time, keeping him from his family. It was so unfair. She had to let him go, had to learn to handle her own problems.
“I’m sorry, Jack. Go home. It’s not important. We can talk about it tomorrow.”
He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the counter she’d just scrubbed. “Serena, you don’t dash across the lawn at midnight for something that’s not important. What’s wrong?”
She couldn’t stop the stupid tears from filling her eyes. She knew it was because she was pregnant and her emotions were on high alert, but it was still irritating. “It’s Hunter.”
“Did he hurt you?”
She nodded.
“Where is he?” His voice had gone from friend to police chief in a heartbeat.
“The motel.”
“I’ll take care of it.”
He was reaching for the door when she cried, “No!”
He held up his hands. “Serena, you know how I feel about men hitting women, and I don’t care if he is your husband—”
“He didn’t hit me.”
“But he hurt you.”
“Jack, do you know who he is?”
Jack leaned back against the counter. “Is this a trick question?”
“I don’t understand why you didn’t recognize him. He told me he was responsible for Steve’s death.”
Jack slowly shook his head, then stilled as knowledge obviously dawned. “That’s where I recognized him from.” He dropped his head back. “Damn.”
“So you do know him?”
“Yeah. What did he tell you?”
“Only that he was being rescued.”
He nodded.
“Why didn’t you recognize him?” she asked.
“They’d beaten him so badly, Serena, that his own mother wouldn’t have recognized him. He was a lot skinnier, too. I doubt they were feeding him much. And I only knew his code name.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “I don’t like this cloak and dagger stuff.”
“That particular night neither did we. I don’t understand the reason he thinks he’s responsible for Steve’s death. We went in to retrieve him. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anyone more courageous than he was that night. When Steve got shot, he stayed with him while the rest of us went to figure out a new exit strategy.”
“Then why did he say he was to blame?”
“Survivor’s guilt, maybe? Steve was standing right beside me when he went down. Could have been me. For the longest time, I felt guilty because it wasn’t.”
“And you think he feels the same?”
“You’d have to ask him.”
She sighed. “He doesn’t allow personal questions to be asked without a toothpick.”
“I beg your pardon?”
She shook her head. “It’s a private joke.”
“Kelley swears the marriages that last do so because the couples know how to make each other laugh.”
He’d obviously not picked up on the sarcasm in her voice. As far as making each other laugh, so far she thought she and Hunter were batting almost zero on that.
“I’m not laughing, Jack. He doesn’t trust me. He has this little world of secrets and games—”
“What exactly is it that you want to know?”
“I want to know that he trusts me. I want to know that he could love me. He promised that he’d always give me honest words. I want that honesty when there’s silence.”
“Serena, you’re confusing the man with his job. His profession is to keep secrets. The president of the United States trusts him to keep secrets. The director of the CIA trusts him to keep secrets. So I’m going to make a guess that Hunter has a greater respect for trust than you or I will ever have.
“The night Steve died, our orders were to go in and extract a hostage. If anyone asked, we were never there. If anyone asked about the man we were sent after, he didn’t exist.
“Your husband’s job requires that he carry the burden of secrets. That he carry them alone. Imagine the weight of never telling a soul what you know—not because you don’t trust someone, but because someone else has trusted you not to betray their trust.”
She shook her head. “I understand that, Jack. I’m not asking him to reveal his secrets. I’m asking him to trust me with the things that aren’t secrets.”
“He might not be able to tell the difference, Serena. He works in a world of espionage. I would think a town like Hopeful is surreal to him.”
“I always thought you left the Army because Steve died and no one would talk about what happened.”
“I left the Army because I didn’t want to carry the weight of the secrets. I know they’re out there, but I don’t want to know what they are. The ones I know are heavy enough, thank you very much.”
She’d never considered that he held secrets. “Does Kelley know about these secrets?”
He shook his head. “They don’t concern her. What I think Hunter needs to figure out is which ones concern you.”
“Maybe I need to figure out which secrets concern me.”
He crossed the kitchen and took her into his arms. He offered comfort, but it wasn’t nearly as satisfying as what Hunter gave her.
“Don’t kick him out of your life completely,” Jack said. “He’s one of the good guys.”
Chapter 25
Judging by the number of women in the waiting room, Hunter had to assume that some serious lovemaking was going on in this town. Of course they didn’t all have bulging bellies—but those who did looked as though they’d stuffed a basketball under their dresses or into their pants.
He’d seen pregnant women before, but he’d never given much thought to them. A lot of them walked funny. He’d actually assisted one woman as she’d tried to get out of the chair when her name was called. She’d given him an appreciative smile and said, “Twins.”
Shit was what he’d thought. “Congratulations” was what he’d uttered.
He leaned toward Serena, who was busy playing a game she called “Character Hangman” with Riker in order to keep him occupied while they waited for her name to be called. Apparently the rules were that you could only use the names of characters from movies. He’d be lousy at that game. He’d never been a big moviegoer.
“How big do you get?” he asked.
She looked at him, her brow furrowed. “Pardon?”
He discreetly pointed a finger around the room. “How big do you get?”
She sighed. “With Riker, I got pretty big.”
“So where are all the other fathers?”
“They don’t usually come for the check-ups unless it’s to hear the heartbeat or there’s a problem.”
“What kind of problem?”
“Mom?”
“Just a minute, sweetie.”
“But it’s your turn.”
“Riker, I’m talking.” She turned back to Hunter. “Sometimes a woman gets too big, too fast. Sometimes she doesn’t get big at all. Sometimes something is wrong with the baby and the father needs to be here to offer support to the mother.”
“And you were thinking of going through this by yourself?”
“Women do it all the time. Teenage girls do it.”
“Yeah, well…” What more could he say to that?
“We need to talk sometime about whether or not you want to be in the delivery room. You’d have to take classes.”
“For what?”
“To assist.”
“What are we paying the doctor for?”
“To deliver the baby. You’d monitor my breathing and be present in the delivery room to hold the baby when she’s born.”
“I’ll let you know.”
Although he already knew the answer. He’d be reporting back to work in another week, and he wouldn’t be here to take classes. With any luck he might be back before the baby was born…then again, maybe not. But he didn’t want to tell her that here because he figured th
ey’d end up in a big discussion and he didn’t need a roomful of women to witness it.
He’d been surprised when she’d phoned to tell him that she had this appointment and he might have an opportunity to hear the baby’s heartbeat. She didn’t seem as angry with him as before, but neither did she seem comfortable with him. She wanted him to trust her. How could he convince her that he already did—more than he’d ever trusted anyone?
“ Fletcher?”
It took him a minute to realize that the nurse standing at the open door was calling Serena. He’d never heard anyone call her that except for the minister right after he’d pronounced them man and wife.
She and Riker both stood, and she placed her hand on Riker’s shoulder to guide him toward the door. She looked back at Hunter. “Come on.”
The women he passed winked at him with approval, smiled at Riker. Then he was behind the closed door, standing in a corridor.
“So today is the day to hear the heartbeat, is it?” the nurse asked.
“Yes, it is,” Serena said.
The nurse pointed to a bench along a wall. “If you gentlemen will wait on that bench, I need to get some information from Fletcher.”
Hunter sat and Riker joined him.
“This is like being in time out,” said Riker.
“What’s time out?”
“When I don’t do what I’m told and I have to sit somewhere until Mom’s not mad at me.”
“Ah.”
“It’s no fun.”
“No, I don’t imagine it is.”
“I thought when you married my mom that you’d be my dad.”
Hunter didn’t know what to say to that. I’d like to be hovered on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t want the kid to think that Serena was in any way responsible for this current situation.
“Your mom and I are still working some of the details out.”
“Is it because you don’t like me?”
“No, shit, no.”
Riker’s eyes got big and round. “We’re not supposed to say shit.”
Hunter grimaced. “Right. I’m not used to being around kids.”
“Is that why you don’t live with us anymore?”
Nah, kid, it’s because your mom can’t quite get past the fact that I have trust issues.
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