by Cecy Robson
“That had nothing to do with you, Evelyn. You were barely eighteen. They were grown-ass people who should have known better than to put their shit on you.”
“I know what you’re saying, Lourdes, and I agree―now. But you’re also speaking like someone from humble beginnings. There’s a lot of pressure among the wealthy to stay rich and in power. Nothing matters unless you do. I didn’t really recognize the extent until it was all behind me, mostly because poverty was never supposed to happen to me. But it did. And because of it, Donovan’s parents couldn’t have their perfect son marry someone who no longer mattered.” My fist involuntarily clenched. “And as much as Donovan fought it at first, it didn’t take much for him to agree.”
Lourdes became perfectly still. “It still hurts you.”
“The actions of those who I believed loved me hurt―my uncles, Donovan’s parents, and Donovan himself. But it took this shit to happen to me for me to see that you’re right. It was never real.”
Silence spread between us. When it didn’t appear that I’d say anything more, Lourdes spoke. “That doesn’t explain you and Mateo. Why didn’t you have sex with him, Evelyn? It’s obvious as anything how much you want him.”
My voice trembled. “Part of it is that I really need him to be real. And not just someone waiting to shove me aside when I don’t measure up.” I considered the rest, but it was hard to say, especially since it confused and frightened me.
“Is there more?”
I stared at her, unable to speak. Lourdes’s eyes widened and she hurried to clutch me against her. This time I hugged her back just as tightly. “Nena, you’re shaking.” She released me, her expression distraught. “What is it? Is it about the sex itself?”
I didn’t move. Mostly because she was right.
“Evelyn…just tell me what you’re afraid of.”
My blood pounded loudly through my veins as I struggled with how to clarify my fear. It was hard, describing something I could barely make sense of.
“Nena?”
God, I felt stupid. But if I could talk to anyone, it was Lourdes. “I’m afraid it’s going to hurt.”
“Like, physically?”
“Yeah.” I dropped my hands and rubbed them hastily against my shorts. “I can’t explain it, Lourdes. But I’m afraid that when he pushes inside me it’s going to cause me this awful pain, and, and, be wrong, and…make me cry.” As if on cue, my tears started flowing.
Lourdes hugged me again. “Did Mateo hurt you when you were with him?”
I let my head fall against her shoulder. “No. Everything he did felt good.”
“Then why do you think that?”
My voice continued to shake. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Lourdes. There’s just something about having sex that terrifies me…”
Chapter Fourteen
The group of first-year nursing students that were caught cheating were suspended, but the rest of us also paid for it. Our teachers got more demanding and our workload doubled. I suspected the department had begun to doubt all of us, and wanted to see who really belonged.
Thanks, first-year fuck-ups.
What added to my stress was lack of sleep. Nightmares haunted me. And as soon as our apartment grew dark, I couldn’t keep still. Even with my night-light on in my room, I became very afraid. I shrugged it off as stress. But something kept needling me, warning me that it was more than school. Extra work shouldn’t bring on dreams where hands touched me without permission and a voice warned me not to scream.
I obsessively checked the locks on our doors and windows when night came. The only thing that seemed to comfort me was the deep thrum of Mateo’s voice when he’d call to say good night. Due to our commitments, we’d only spoken briefly on the phone during the week. But come the weekend, my nights were spent with him.
The nightmares still came when I was with Mateo, but he’d help lull me back to sleep or simply soothe me with his presence. “No one’s going to hurt you while I’m around,” he’d tell me when I woke up frightened. And I believed him. Mateo…I don’t know, he just made everything better.
It took some doing, but a couple of weeks later, he and Ant scored us seats to the play-offs. Now, Philly fans are notoriously hostile, especially if you stick them in a stadium packed with New York fans, and holy hell, did they ever lose their shit when the Mets pitcher nailed a prized Phil with a ball to the groin at the bottom of the ninth.
It looked like an accident to me. But Philly fans didn’t care. They wanted blood, and they continued to seek it even after the Phils pulled ahead and won the game.
Mateo’s strong arms wrapped around me as he led us out of our bleacher seats. Big Chris, Dee, Ant, and Noelle followed behind us. For the moment, Ant and Noelle were together. Maybe Ant had agreed to commit. Either that or Noelle had decided red Afros and freckles would make good-looking babies.
The first blast of cold weather hit us when we reached the street level. I shuddered against Mateo. Despite the crowd huddled around us, and his arm pressing me tight against him, I was freezing. It was my own damn fault for wearing such a light shirt and trying to dress cute. Mateo stripped out of his sweatshirt and offered it to me. “Here, Evie. Take it.”
I held it against me. “What about you?”
“I’m all right. Just put it on.”
He laughed when I did—the sleeves hung down way past my hands. “I look ridiculous,” I said.
“No, you look warm.” He tucked me against him and kissed me. But then his attention shot ahead.
“What’s wrong?”
“Fight.”
A Philly fan and a Mets fan were going at it. It didn’t take long for their friends to jump in. Mateo tugged me along, weaving through the crowd. “Fuck you!” Big Chris shouted at some loser who tried to shove Dee. Chris knocked the guy so hard on his ass, it took the idiot several long seconds to stand.
Dee pulled Big Chris away; so did Ant, who urged Noelle ahead of him. “Don’t start shit, Chris,” Ant told him. “I don’t have bail money, man.”
Ant’s tone was all business, but Big Chris’s focus remained solely on Dee. He glanced at her thin arms around him and then gazed at her face as if stunned stupid she was actually touching him. Dee didn’t notice his sudden interest, but I sure did. I wondered how long he’d been crushing on her.
“Wassup?” Teo asked when he caught me glancing back at them.
“Nothing yet,” I answered.
We made it back to his Explorer in one piece just when more fans started running toward the growing mob and security streamed in from all directions. Dee ignored the growing chaos to stick her head in front. “Teo, could you drop me off first? I have to pick up Glori from my mom’s.”
“Sure.” His eyes cut to the rearview mirror. “Noelle, where are you staying tonight?”
“At Ant’s.”
He nodded. “Okay. Dee’s first, then I’ll take you back after I drop off Evie and Big Chris.”
Mateo merged into the traffic fighting to abandon the stadium. My classes didn’t start until ten the next morning. And even though I was ready for them, I wanted to get ahead so I could see Teo again the next night. We were going out to eat, and maybe a movie after.
We still hadn’t had sex―the real kind, the one where he would pound into me. Although he’d given me the all-clear results of his blood test shortly after I’d shown him mine, the idea of his penis inside me continued to scare me. Neither Lourdes nor I could figure out why. Or why I’d zoned out with Donovan and not with him.
I’d started to worry that Mateo would see me as a tease, and had told him as much. He’d smiled patiently, assuring me we’d only ever do what I was ready for. And although I didn’t tell him how scared I was, I thought he could sense it.
Mateo’s patience only made me fall harder for him. Donovan had never been this sweet, this protective, or so interested in anything I had to share or say. And if Donovan had offered me the sweatshirt off his back, it would have been
more to make himself appear the gentleman and the well-raised socialite. Mateo had done so just to keep me warm.
Something about his simple gesture—maybe coupled with how he led me safely through the rabid crowd—really affected me. It was like something finally clicked, giving me courage to take things to the next level. I swallowed hard and placed my hand on his shoulder. “Can you drop me off last?”
He eyed me for a second. That would take him further out of the way. “Whatever you want, Evie.”
He probably thought I wanted to spend time alone with him at my place. No, I just really needed a little more time with him, to see his smile, to catch how those eyes glanced my way. And to remind myself that there was nothing that should keep me from him, especially my stupid fear.
Mateo didn’t create the nightmares. He hadn’t hurt me like those cruel hands in my dreams. And he never would.
He dropped off Dee, then Big Chris. Finally, when Ant and Noelle piled out, laughing at something Ant said, it left just me and Mateo.
Mateo put his SUV in park right outside of Ant’s apartment. He swiveled in his seat, the angles of his expression sharp with concern. “What’s up?”
I looked ahead for a moment, not knowing if I could face him just then. Somehow I managed. “I want to spend the night with you.”
Our late night schedules allowed us to spend the last few hours of a night, and part of the day. But I’d never stayed a whole night. Mateo knew what I was telling him.
He played with a strand of my hair. “You sure?”
“Yes.”
He seemed hesitant and worked his jaw. “The offer still stands, Evie. You can say no, anytime you want.”
I shook my head slowly. “I’m not going to say no.”
—
Mateo took his time leading me into his apartment. Instead of pulling my clothes off, he sat on the bed and placed me on his lap. His fingers stroked the length of my hair, his gaze searching my face until it fell onto my lips.
I leaned into him and kissed him. His response was slow at first. I suspected he was giving me time to change my mind. But I wasn’t going to, and needed to show him.
My hands hurried to unsnap and unzip his jeans, making it clear I wanted more than his mouth on mine. It was obviously the affirmation Mateo needed. He yanked off my top and bra, attacking my breasts and tugging the tips with his teeth.
His heavy grunt as my hand moved, and the deep gasp he released as I passed my tongue along his ear, only made my efforts more urgent. But when Mateo pushed his fingers inside me, I was the one who screamed with desire.
I peeled my clothes off as he worked me and helped him strip out of his. When we were naked, my hands returned to him, embracing him as we fell onto the bed. Mateo removed his fingers. And for a moment, we just lay there kissing and smoothing our hands over each other’s heated skin.
“Are you sure?” he asked me, his eyes searing into mine and his large hand gliding across my breasts. “I want to hear you say it.”
“I want you inside of me,” I whispered, holding him closer.
He kissed me hard then, first my mouth, then breasts, then down my belly. He lay my body across the bed and dipped his head between my legs, sucking, tasting, flicking me with his tongue, driving me to jerk and cry out his name.
Tears leaked from my eyes and my hips ground against him, until he lifted my thighs onto his shoulders in one quick motion. The sheets became a tangled mess with how hard I yanked and thrashed beneath him when I orgasmed. I wasn’t asking Mateo for sex anymore. Jesus Christ, I was begging him for it.
Mateo lowered me to the bed and climbed on top of me, spreading my legs. His lips skimmed over my throat and he reached between our bodies, passing the head of his hard penis against my throbbing skin. I dug my fingertips into his shoulders. God, what was he doing to me? He shuddered against me, pushing into me, but not quite entering. “Yes or no, Evie. Tell me yes or no,” he gasped.
My body and mind were so far gone, the wait killing me with how bad I wanted him. And still he asked, giving me the chance to stop, and showing me the kind of man he was.
At first I couldn’t speak, and he began to withdraw. But I needed him, and pulled him back to me, locking my eyes onto his. Somehow, I found my voice. “Yes.”
He closed his lids tight and muttered a swear, then eased himself back on top of me, breathing hard and whispering soft words in Spanish against my ear.
Although I was expecting it, and wanted it, I still gasped when he entered me. Slowly, fully, deeply, Mateo pushed himself inside of me, making us one.
My knees fell to the side, my body welcoming him into mine. He placed his arms on either side of me, watching me as he slid out and in, out and in, grinding his hips against mine. This time I swore, letting him know how good it felt.
My words and moaning seemed to drive him wild. Each thrust grew more intense, with greater urgency. I tightened around him, trying to match his thrusts as my hands passed along his back and his mouth swept over me.
It was so hard. So fast. And so what I needed. I orgasmed twice before I felt his release.
He slowed as he finished, breathing hard, his solid body glistening with sweat. “I don’t want to stop. Do you?”
I shook my head. “No.”
Mateo continued to move, growing erect again. He clasped my hips and rolled onto his back. “Okay, baby. Show me what you’ve got.”
For a moment I froze, not really knowing what to do. This was new to me. At first, I tried moving up and down, my movements awkward at best. I attempted to swivel, but that didn’t feel natural.
Mateo pulled me down to kiss me, then gripped my hips and guided me, showing me exactly what I needed to do. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I lifted from him as the motion quickened and I discovered my rhythm. Back and forth…back and…and…oh, God.
Lust ripped through me as I moved faster, but I couldn’t continue. I was coming too hard to focus. Mateo’s hold on me tightened, continuing my movements and sending me spiraling out of control.
—
“Are you cold?”
I smiled. “No. Just a little embarrassed.”
Mateo passed his hand down my body. “Why? The windows were closed.”
I buried my face against his chest when he laughed. Those crazy girls who screamed a lot during sex? Yeah. Apparently I was their leader.
My fingers traced the hard planes of his chest. “You know what I mean. I’m not experienced.” I’d had sex, but evidently not the kind that I enjoyed or that permitted me to play and explore.
Mateo stroked my hair away from my face and his steely hazel eyes met mine. “I don’t care about that. You’re sexy as hell and I’ve wanted you for so long.”
I nipped at the tip of his stubbled jaw. “I’ve wanted you, too.” I angled my chin away from him. “I was just scared.”
“Of me?” His gruff tone lowered. “I’d never do anything to hurt you, Evie.”
“I know. It’s not that.”
“Then what?”
I didn’t want to talk about the hands that haunted me and that awful pain I feared that sex would cause, especially when everything had gone so right. “My last relationship didn’t end well.”
His eyes searched my face. I hoped he wouldn’t catch my broken expression. But he did. “He hurt you, didn’t he?”
I didn’t answer.
Mateo’s hand skimmed along the curve of my spine. “You don’t have to worry about that shit with me, ever. Understand?”
“Yes. I understand.”
I nestled against him. He kissed my forehead and held me for a long while, keeping my body warm with his. “What made you change your mind about tonight?” he finally asked.
“You.”
“Oh, yeah? Why’s that?”
“I just really like you, Mateo,” I admitted quietly.
He went perfectly still. “I really like you, too.”
My phone rang in my purse in the other room
. I let it go, not wanting to break the kiss he started, but then my cell continued to ring several times over. A few alerts also told me I had a text. Then another one. Then another one after that. I groaned, knowing who it was.
“Who the hell’s calling?” Mateo asked.
“My grandmother.”
“What?”
“And my sister. And my friend. And my roommate. All rolled into one package.” I sat up. “It’s Lourdes. I forgot to call her. It’s something we both do just to make sure the other’s safe.”
He fell onto his back. “For a minute I thought I was going to get my ass beat.”
I passed my finger over his bottom lip. “Is that the kind of thing you like?”
“Baby, you already know what I like.” His hand slid up my thigh.
I squirmed away. “Hold that thought.”
He snatched me by the waist when I tried to ease off the bed. “I’d rather hold something else.” He squeezed when I wriggled. “Come on, Evie, don’t leave me.”
When his teeth found that spot behind my ear, I almost forgot my mission. But then the phone started ringing again. I turned to stroke Teo’s face. “I have to call Lourdes before she calls the police, hospitals, Animal Control, and anyone else who’ll listen to her.”
Mateo teased the tip of my breast with his thumb. “Don’t take too long.”
I watched his hand leave me. “I won’t. Believe me, I won’t.”
I padded out into the living room, stopping when I saw how dark the room was despite the small light from his bedroom. “Teo. Where’s the switch to the light?” I was hoping it wasn’t by the door leading out.
“On the wall to your left.” He paused. “Do you want me to come out?”
I heard him shuffle to the edge of the bed. “No. I’m all right.”
Light illuminated the area when I flicked on the switch. I let out a breath, grateful that my rising panic quickly faded. I hurried to where the strap of my wristlet dangled from the edge of the kitchen island. Good God, it was freezing in here. I pulled my phone out when it started to ring again. My first mistake was answering. My second was racing back to bed with my phone.