The Meaning of Purple Tulips

by Bláithín O' Reilly Murphy

  ‘My, my Faye, it’s rare that we get a false negative, but it can happen I suppose. Well my congratulations to you both, can you make an appointment to come in and see, so I can verify for myself and check you over.’ He sounded stunned.

  ‘Well Doctor, I’m in France at the moment. Should I come home?’ I was worried now.

  ‘No, no my dear, another few days will be fine. In fact we will possibly be able to do an ultra sound then, possibly hear the little ones heartbeat.’ He reassured me.

  A heartbeat, wow – I would hear my baby’s heart beat in a few short days. Fear hit me. ‘Doctor, we flew here, well at the time we didn’t think I was pregnant, will that have caused damage?’

  ‘No, no you should be ok. But perhaps you might be more comfortable sailing back, if that is an option?’ his calmness quashed my fears.

  I liked that idea. I didn’t fancy throwing up again on the plane. Apart from the embarrassment, there was no fresh air afterwards. I made an appointment to see the Doctor with his secretary when we got back and hung up. Brandon arrived back to the car laden down with champagne, flowers, chocolates and a small brown bear. Handing it to me, he said

  ‘For the baby.’

  I just cried. We were going to have a baby. We arrived back and everyone was up.

  ‘There you two are! We were worried! Faye, is everything ok, you look like you’ve been crying?’ My mother asked, full of concern.

  ‘Everything is great mum, I’m pregnant! You’re going to be a granny!’ I couldn’t hold it in anymore!

  In an instant I was smothered, two sets of grandparents ‘to be’ were all over me.

  ‘Oh my god Faye, how? Are you sure?’ Tears streaming down my mother’s face.

  I nodded. ‘We’ve just been to the Doctor. He confirmed it. I did tests. I spoke with Dr. Fraser. Oh we need to sail home!’ It all came out in a rush.

  ‘He he Faye, don’t worry about that now.’ Brandon joked.

  Popping the champagne, Brandon handed glasses all around. I took a tiny sip of his and poured some orange juice. My mother was out with the camera;

  ‘This is one for my wall – the announcement of my first grandchild, everyone out to the table!’ She ordered.

  She had the tripod out, no one was safe. She framed up the photo and took the seat by my dad. We all beamed at the camera. This would be the first one for our own family wall I decided, as the camera flashed.

  Chapter 35 – It’s official

  The rest of our holiday passed by in total bliss, nothing could bring down our delirious mood. While I tired easily and was sick most mornings; I thoroughly enjoyed being away and felt totally relaxed and refreshed and excited to share our good news with everyone once we got home. My parents drove us to Le Harve for our sailing and thankfully the crossing was smooth.

  Now back in our home, we both stood in the doorway of the room that would become the nursery. It was the room next to ours and had the only window seat upstairs. I had always envisaged a young child sitting on it, reading. We were being careful not to get ahead of ourselves. We were pregnant right now, but we knew that the chances of miscarriage were high. But still, I couldn’t help my mind wandering and thinking about pint sized little baby grows and little mittens and hats. I placed the little brown bear Brandon had bought, on the bed of the nursery and left the door open so I could see it every time I walked by.

  We’d invited Chloe and Anthony over for dinner. I had to tell her in person. After all, she was going to be a god mother. I knew it was a good idea to wait until I reached 12 weeks before I told everyone else but Chloe was like a sister to me and she was a Doctor, or at least almost. Brandon was insisting on cooking and sent me to bed for a rest while he busied himself in the kitchen. Normally, I wouldn’t be able to relinquish the cooking to him if we were having guests, but I was exhausted and I was grateful that he was being so good. He shook me awake with just an hour to spare.

  ‘Sorry Faye, I thought I heard you in the bathroom a while ago, I didn’t realise you were still asleep. They’ll be here in an hour.’

  ‘My god have I slept that long?’ My capacity for sleep of late still was surprising me.

  ‘Yea, must be the travelling. The waters hot, am just going to nip in for a quick shower, do you wanna join me?’ he had a twinkle in his eye that I couldn’t resist.

  Showered and dressed some time later, I went down stairs. Coming into the kitchen, he had everything set just like I would have done. Candles lit, flowers, nibbles, and something smelled divine.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I did your curry. I meant to ask you what I should cook before you fell asleep. Is it all ok?’ He sounded like an expectant child looking for praise.

  Kissing him I said. ‘It’s perfect babe.’

  ‘Well I’ve watched you do it enough times.’

  I smiled at him. ‘You know there will be no excuses now, I’ll expect this every night!’

  ‘I was afraid of that!’

  With that, the doorbell chimed. They were here!

  ‘Faye you look great! Love your colour!’ Chloe gushed as she hugged me.

  I nearly spurted it out there and then but I bit my tongue until they were at least inside and sitting down. I would tell them over drinks in the sitting room, before Brandon handed me a juice instead of the usual white wine and gave it away.

  ‘So I have some news.’ I said with a huge smile.

  They both looked up and Brandon came over to join me.

  It exploded out of me. ‘I’m pregnant!’

  ‘No way!’ they said in unison

  ‘But I thought the blood test? Oh my god that is brilliant!’ Chloe was up and over the coffee table to hug me. Stepping back, she went into instant ‘Dr.’ Jenner mode and started asking me how I was and how things were and touching my stomach.

  I laughed, ‘Everything is fine, I’m a little sick in the mornings and very tired but other than that, I feel great.’

  Then she started crying, ‘I can’t believe it! I’m so happy for you both!’ she set me off then and the two of us were crying and hugging. Brandon and Anthony looked at each other and threw their eyes to heaven.

  ‘I’m so happy for you! When are you due?’

  ‘I don’t know yet, I have to go back to the doctor for a check-up and a scan but probably in another 8 months.’

  ‘This is so exciting, whether you have a boy or a girl, I’ll have one for them to marry; we’ll be grannies together too!’

  ‘I think your missus has baby brain.’ Brandon said to Anthony as they watched us chatting away like two mother hens.

  Two days later, sitting in Dr. Fraser’s waiting room, I was buzzing with excitement, we both were. Today, we were going to see our baby and hopefully hear its heart beat for the first time. We had contemplated whether or not to find out the sex and when I had Googled it, it was far too soon anyways but we’d pretty much decided to wait and be surprised. Until then, we would call it Nugget. Brandon had decided that while it was more precious than a nugget of gold, our baby would be his little nugget. I think he was going soft in the head too, or perhaps he had caught some of Chloe’s baby brain.

  Lying in the ultra sound room I couldn’t wait for it to begin. I just wanted to make sure that all was ok and that our baby was as happy and as healthy as it could be.

  ‘So guys, all excited to see Baby for the first time?’ Dr. Fraser asked.

  We just beamed. I was desperately trying not to wet myself as he squeezed cold gel on to my tummy.

  ‘Right here goes guys.’ He said as he moved the wand around my belly.

  The monitor flicked and a blotchy image appeared. I hadn’t expected to see a baby at this point or anything that resembled a baby but to me, the whole thing just looked like big blobs of nothing. Maybe there was nothing in there at all?!

  ‘Well I can confirm that you are most definitely pregnant, see here, this is your baby.’

  Dr. Fraser pointed to a small bean like line on the monitor. Brandon a
nd I stared at it in total amazement. It was hard to imagine that what was on the screen was our baby, or that it would become our baby.

  ‘I would place you at about six and half weeks, just a little too early to hear a heartbeat but we should hear one within the next 2 weeks.’

  ‘Everything is ok, though, isn’t it?’ I was a little disappointed that there would be no heartbeat today.

  ‘Everything looks perfect Faye.’ He turned to me and smiled. ‘Nothing to worry about, but maybe take it easy for a couple of weeks. Nothing too strenuous and if you aren’t already, don’t forget to take your pregnancy vitamins. Do you have the list of pregnancy do's and don’ts?

  ‘No!’ My god, I didn’t realise there was one. I was a bad mother already.

  ‘Don’t look so worried. Ask at reception and they will give you a pack.’

  Hopping down off the table and getting dressed I was so relieved. It was all happening now; my perfect life had just begun...

  Chapter 36 – The Letter

  ‘Brandon, can you believe we are going to have a baby?’

  ‘I know darling,’ he smiled over at me, ‘It’s amazing.’

  I sat contented in the car on the way home. I was going to be a mother! We were going to be parents, the perfect little family. I had decided that I wouldn’t say anything in work until I was 12 weeks, but I think they had all guessed before lunch the following day. I had bought some baby magazines to take home and devour that had slipped out of my bag first thing in the morning and while I had passed them off as research for a nursery I was designing for a client, that, coupled with my frequent bouts to the bathroom and constant smiling into space, got the office gossip going. Just before lunch Raymond, my boss, well one of the two, cornered me in the canteen. I should have known he would sniff it out; he, possibly more than I, wanted to be a mother.

  ‘You’re positively glowing today, Faye.’ He said with a raised eyebrow.

  ‘Am I?’ my attempt at being coy totally missing the mark, ‘Must be the last of the holiday glow.’

  ‘Indeed.’ He said walking around me pretending to inspect the kitchen countertop.

  ‘Subtlety thy name is not Raymond.’

  He looked me square in the eye, ‘I knew it! You are, aren’t you?!’

  I just nodded. Shouts and screams like you’ve never heard fill the air; queue boss number two, Simon.

  ‘What the hell is going on in here?’

  ‘You owe me, you owe me €50.00.’

  ‘She’s not?!’

  ‘She is?!’

  ‘Never!’

  Nothing like two gay men looking you up and down and feeling your stomach to make a girl feel special!

  ‘How far gone is she?’

  ‘I didn’t get that far.’

  ‘Faye darling, sit down, tell us all! Martha,’ he shouts, ‘hold all our calls, we’re not to be disturbed!’

  I was late home that evening, with all my day dreaming in the morning and Simon’s and Raymond’s need to know absolutely every detail, I had gotten little done and stayed behind to catch up on some designs. It was after seven when I got in the door and Brandon was upstairs in the office huddled over the phone. I called up to him but he didn’t hear me, it wasn’t unusual for him to conduct telephone interviews in the evening for articles so I left him to it and I got on with dinner. I was half way through chopping up vegetables for a stir fry, when he came down.

  ‘Wow Brandon you look awful, are you ok?’

  His normally tanned face was pale and drawn and I was almost sure he was shaking.

  ‘Yea, I’m fine. Busy day, long day; just tired and hungry. Sorry I meant to start dinner, got caught on the phone.’

  ‘No worries, who was on the phone?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘On the phone, who was on the phone?’

  ‘Oh em, no one, work thing... nothing at all.’

  ‘Are you sure you’re ok?’

  ‘Yes, em... I might, I might just finish something if that is ok?’

  ‘Sure go ahead, dinner with be about 20 minutes.’

  ‘Great, thanks.’

  He turned on his heels and was gone. I could hear him again on the phone in the office. Door shut but a faint mumble of angered words filled the silence in the air. I’m sure whatever was bothering him, he would tell me in good time. All though his career was going well, things in work hadn’t exactly gone to plan for him since he had resigned from the position in CNN to come back to me.

  It reminded me of how much a sacrifice he had made for us to be together. His bosses hadn’t been too pleased with him at all and said that he had rightly screwed up the long standing internship program it had taken them years to establish. They very nearly had not taken him back at the paper at all.

  Over the past year, he was ‘earning’ his way back into the fold by taking ‘bottom of the barrel’ assignments and making them work. He was making a real name for himself and he was going really well but he wasn’t the golden child, he had once been.

  He took it with good grace so on the odd night when he was a bit distant like this, I left him to it and waited until he was ready to come to me in his own time with the problem. The thing was though, he never did come to me that night with the problem, or the next, or the next. In fact a week went by, his mood hadn’t really improved and he was very distant and cold. I would often wake late at night and hear him on the phone in the office talking in hushed tones. At 3am, I wondered who it was he was talking to and whenever I asked, he said it was just an article for work and he was trying to get hold of a contact that was based in the US.

  I thought little else of it because the following day I had a most unexpected letter. When I flicked through the post, I saw the neat cursive scrawl and US post mark. I just assumed it was for Brandon, from some relation and I was surprised to find it addressed to me. There was no return address on the envelope and as I slid a knife through the back, I wondered who it could be.

  My Dearest Faye

  It’s taken me some time to have the courage to write to you. I’m sorry I never replied to your kind invitation to your wedding. It’s something I always dreamed of, seeing you walk down the aisle. I remember your mother, on her wedding day, such a beauty. I regret now not making the journey to be with you, it was selfish of me but I just wasn’t ready.

  I’ve longed for the day that you would know the truth but when it came, I didn’t know how to act. What do you say to the granddaughter you’ve watched from afar and loved so much?

  When Marie and Conan were killed my world imploded. I had only left them, just one day, after having met you. Such a sweet little baby you were, the apple of my eye. I fell so in love with you on that brief trip that on the flight home, I had decided I was going to move, everything to Ireland to be with you all. I was only home and about to telephone your parents when the call came through about their accident.

  Instead of moving to Ireland, I took a flight back to bury my son and daughter. I had every intention of bringing you home to Utah with me and raising you, a foolish idea, by a foolish man; I quickly realised that. Your mother, Maura, well it’s with her you always belonged. I did visit, when you were young; too young to realise who I was. But we agreed after Marie’s parents died that perhaps we would wait to tell you the full story. We wanted you to have as normal a childhood as possible, free from sorrow and pain; the kind that we all lived through daily. I expect it’s difficult for you to muster any sort of sorrow for your parents, having never really met them, but their passing left a large gaping hole in many lives; not to mention my own.

  Now, well, now I am an old man, and I fear I don’t have long left and well my one regret in life is that I’ve never gotten to know you. I often wonder if our decision not to tell you the truth from the start was the right one. I suppose the right answer to that question, we will never truly know. I sometimes think we should have told you; perhaps that’s just a selfish old man realising his time is running out and day dreaming about al
l the years he has already missed not knowing you. That is why I am writing. Faye I would very much like to come and visit you. To be part of your life, get to know you. You’re all the family I have left. All the family I’ve had left for a very long time. I would love to tell you all about your father and mother, Marie and Conan and of course myself and how we all loved you so very much.

  I hope you feel the same way too. I realise you have your own life now, married and all. I’ll understand if you would rather let sleeping dogs lie but I hope you would like to get to know me too.

  Yours Always

  Gerry Marshall

  I sat on the edge of the stairs, tears streaming down my face. When his RSVP had been returned saying that he would be unable to attend, with no note or explanation, I had somehow thought that he didn’t want anything to do with me. It had hurt and I had cried myself to sleep that night. I had really hoped he would be there. I had agonized for weeks before actually sending the invite. As to how it might affect my parents. My mother had said that I had been silly to think it would affect them at all; that this was my day not theirs and I should have whoever I wanted there. After I had posted the invite, I checked the mail for his reply every day; I had even included my phone numbers; just in case. But nothing ever came; nothing except the pre-printed RSVP card that came as part of the matching stationary set we had ordered. He hadn’t even signed it, a small tick in the ‘unable to attend’ box was the only interaction I had ever had with him, until now that was.

  From his letter, I could understand a little as to how difficult my wedding would have been for him. My mum had tried to explain it to me but all I felt was rejection. I expected it would be around lunch time there now, or at the very least early morning. I took the cordless phone from it its perch and dialled the number at the bottom of the page.

  ‘Hello!?’ An American voice sounded as though next to me, crystal clear.