by Bijou Hunter
“Someone else can hug her,” Max whispers.
I look at my mom and see the angry woman she’s always been underneath her sassy, sweet butt demeanor. That unloved kid grew up to care about a single person who’s gone now. Her dreams died with him.
“I’ll go,” she mumbles, wiping her eyes angrily. “If I need attention, I’ll slit my wrists and make a scene. That sure worked for you.”
My mother’s sins against me were mostly from neglect. She didn’t go out of her way to hurt me. She just couldn’t prioritize me. But when she wants, Velma Verhees knows just how to dig the blade in my heart.
The shame of that night rises up in me, and I feel a sob break loose. Max holds me tighter while also digging in my pocket for the other earbud.
“What are we listening to?”
I can’t speak. I feel myself sinking deeper as those dark memories return. I hurt myself that night to escape from the pain. It was dumb and impulsive, but I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to sleep and forget. Mom’s words take me right back there. She knows it too. Then she walks away, leaving me feeling bad as revenge for my choice not giving up everything for her.
“I love you,” Max says, holding me tight.
Her words break through the ugly ones in my head. I wrap her in my arms and inhale her scent. Max always smells a little like garlic and onions from the dicing she does at the restaurant. I let her scent remind me of how safe life is with the Band. How my mom—and Coterie and the rest of the people hating me for wanting Shane—don’t exist when it’s the four of us together. If I had been with them that night instead of with my mom, I wouldn’t have hurt myself.
“I love you too,” I tell Max as we listen to Fleet Foxes just like we did the night the four of us drove to Lexington for a concert.
Happy memories wash away the bad ones, and I breathe easier. I regain the confidence I felt before Mom showed up. I’m not going to give up Shane for her. I know what I want. Shane makes me happy, and I seem to make him happy. I shouldn’t have to give that up. Though her words made me forget for a few minutes, I’m back now.
Letting go of Max after the song ends, I smile. “Why did you come tonight?”
“I knew you’d be alone, and I wanted you to myself.”
My smile widens, and I take her hand. “Want to go inside and watch TV?”
“I thought we could play Call of Duty. I never win whenever Hugh and Kelsi are around.”
Clicking my tongue, I signal to Hilly that we’re heading inside. Soon, I’m vegging on the couch with Max. We play games for an hour. When Shane texts later, I’m well past feeling bad about my mom. By the time he calls, Hugh is home and eating the tacos that Max made for us. Kelsi arrives not long afterward and gives me a long hug. I don’t know why she’s clingy, but it feels good to have the Band together tonight.
Once Shane tells me that he misses me and hopes I’ll stay over at his place tomorrow, I don’t really care about Fuse, Mom, or the weekend with the Executioners. When I keep life simple, nothing can bring me down.
THE ROMANTIC
After Kelsi leaves the Saloon, and I return from pissing on a grave, I sink into the back booth and struggle with my rage. Ideally, I’d drive to Ramona’s place and tell her that I know, and she shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed. Talking to her would lift a great amount of tension from my shoulders.
But I don’t drive to her place. What would I say that wouldn’t just upset her? Also, my face doesn’t do what I think it’s doing at times. She gets scared when I think I’m calm. Showing up unannounced and dumping my feelings on her is an asshole move.
“So, what do I do?” I ask River after quietly sharing the details with Taylor and him.
“Are you asking as my friend or as my VP?”
“Both.”
“As your friend, I’d tell you to play that shit close to your vest. I mean, how would you even bring up that topic in conversation?”
“Next time,” Taylor says, leaning forward, “you’re in bed, and she acts weird about her tattoo, just say you know about how she got it, and ask if she wants it removed.”
“Just like that?”
“Sure. Ramona will already be on edge thinking about it, so it’s not like you’re dropping that shit on her out of nowhere. If you act like it’s cool, she’ll be cool.”
“You can’t know that.”
“She doesn’t walk around in a constant state of worry, now, does she? No, because the people in her life already know. You even said she wanted you to know, but didn’t want to tell you. Having that out of the way will likely be a huge fucking relief.”
“She isn’t wrong,” River says.
“I rarely am,” Taylor replies.
The two blonds give each other the finger and then look at me. Before I can speak again, Shelby slides into the booth.
“Why are you acting conspiratorial without me?”
I share a quick glance at River, who shakes his head. Shelby, of course, notices and gives us her bug-eyed Donald Sutherland/Body Snatchers look. Before she can start squawking us into submission, Taylor leans over and whispers in her ear. After a minute or so, my sister just gets quiet and doesn’t want to participate.
“Now, can I tell you my views as your president?” River asks while gesturing for Taylor to distract Shelby.
The girls walk off to do a little dancing that also acts as a distraction to the club guys in the Saloon. Once they’re busy, I signal for River to let me have it.
“We don’t want any scuzz fuckers in this club,” he whispers, moving closer like we’re on a date, and he’s looking to get to second base. “This thing with Ramona was evil shit that’d never fucking fly in Ellsberg. Cooper wouldn’t send his guys to shoot up a place without knowing exactly who was inside. If they somehow fucked it up, he would never hand over one of his daughters in exchange for peace. He’d burn down the entire fucking world rather than sell out his kids. Or, to be honest, any woman.”
“Cooper warned us that this place was a toilet.”
“Yeah, but it’s our toilet, and I’m looking to clean it up.”
“Why are you looking at me as if I’m going to punch you?”
“Well, because I want to use your girlfriend’s bad luck to sniff out the turds in our toilet.”
“How?” I ask, nearly snarling at the thought of him fucking with Ramona.
“We take each of these assholes aside and ask about the Executioners. Just their thoughts about their past with the club. See if they mention what happened with Ramona and how they explain it. Then if they don’t mention it, we bring it up and see how they react.”
“The point being?”
“If they act like it was a square deal, we know they’re scum. If they try to blame Ramona, we know they’ve got to die.”
“What if they realize acting that way is dumb since I’m dating Ramona?”
“Exactly. First, we weed out the idiots and people so awful that they can’t control themselves. That’s all we can do for right now.”
“You just want to kill Skullz,” I whisper.
“Well, there’s that, for sure. This club is flabby with too many disloyal hangers-on, but we said we’d take any Skullz that burned their old patch. That doesn’t mean we have to keep them forever.”
“Well, if we’re going to start cutting our numbers, then we need to find more guys to build our club back up. If we’re too small, we’re asking for the Executioners to start shit. Then what? Call Cooper to save our asses?”
“No. We kill the Executioners. That drive-by move Fuse pulled was teenage bullshit. If the Executioners ever start shit with us, we’ll go in stealthy and deal with them.”
“Again, all big talk.”
River levels his blue-eyed gaze on me as if I’m supposed to be intimidated. “We must already be scary if the assholes haven’t started shit with us so far.”
“Sure.”
“Explain your bitchiness.”
“I want the club strong, so we ca
n kill the Executioners.”
“Because of Ramona?”
“Of fucking course.”
“Well, I don’t know about that. Look, I get it, Shane. I do,” he says despite clearly not getting it. “These guys are trash, but if we eliminate them first, we’re also taking on their territory. We can’t leave it open. Who knows what shitheads might move into that spot? They control that side of the border, and we control this side. It’s a symbiotic relationship. Now, if they start shit, yeah, we end them. However, I’m not looking to take over anything in Ohio,” he says and then adds, “It’s fucking Ohio.”
“I need retribution.”
“You’ll get it when we kill a few guys that don’t know well enough to make Ramona the victim of their former leader’s bullshit.”
“I want Pinball dead.”
River leans back and sighs. “Yeah, that seems about right, but don’t go off half-cocked right now. If we fuck up, then my dad and your dad and everyone’s fucking dad from Ellsberg will have to ride up and save us. Do you want that?”
“No.”
“Then let’s play shit cool. The evil crap with Ramona went down before we showed up. Just because we found out today, doesn’t mean we ought to burn down the world right this second. Let’s play this smart. Clean out the shitty Skullz, the assholes in Shasta, and eventually the Executioners.”
“I have no doubt that you’d already be on the road to Elko if Ramona was your woman.”
“Are you saying I don’t give a shit about your shit, dude?”
“Yeah.”
River doesn’t fuck around and throw down because we’re not playing. I’m calling him out.
“Maybe you’re right,” he says after a long minute. “I don’t feel emotionally connected to Ramona. She isn’t my problem. I hate what happened to her. I’d never accept a member who supported what Fuse did. But, yeah, you’re probably right that I’m not treating this shit in the same way as if it happened to my woman or Taylor or Shelby.”
River taps my foot under the table. “That’s fucked up too because you’re my friend. Like a brother to me, and your pain should be my pain. I’m sorry, Shane. All this president shit makes me forget the important stuff. The real stuff between people who matter.”
“I want to kill Fuse,” I admit. “I want to tear him limb from fucking limb, but he’s dead. If I had met Ramona earlier, I could have killed him for her. I could have saved her. But instead, I’m this useless lump of weak sauce. What the fuck can I do to make it right for her?”
“I don’t know. Like with the shit with Shelby. Killing those guys felt good, and she liked knowing they were dead. In the end, she just wanted to feel safe and accepted.”
River glances at my sister and Taylor nearby. “I barely know Ramona, and I’m glad we’re doing that party this weekend. It’s important to see her as a real person and not just as your chick. Even not knowing her well, I think that what she wants from you is just to be valued. The way you made her sound when she was freaking out about the tattoo, I don’t think she’s the kind of person who knows her own worth. She wants to believe in herself. With her friends, she’s probably confident. But you’re new, and she needs to know you aren’t like these fuckers,” he says and gestures around the bar. “You’re not going to cut her loose or make her feel guilty. You’re a solid guy she can trust.”
River’s words help a little. I feel foolish about the last few days, bullying Ramona and suffering from wild mood swings. I thought I was going to be her great savior, but I’m a fucking douche.
“Ramona’s mine. I feel it. Like right now, I’d rather be sitting with her. I don’t even care what she’s doing. I wish she was with me. My ass is only remaining in this seat because I know she needs space. It’s too fast for her, and girls need to gossip with their friends and work out their feelings. Still, it’s killing me to be away from her.”
“Naw, I get it. I mean, in here,” he says, tapping his head. “You and me, we’re not romantic guys. We fuck women. We don’t really date. That romantic shit isn’t on our radars. But this girl clicked for you. I thought maybe you’d change your mind once you hung out with her, but you’re still like a dog with a bone. That’s how people say my dad was with my mom. Your parents too. It wasn’t possible to walk away. It’s not for you either. I admit I haven’t really adjusted to the thought of you going full-time with this girl. I’m used to the way things have always been. But I’ll work on adjusting my thinking. That way, I don’t come off as such a cold fuck.”
“Yeah, do that shit quick too. I’m a sensitive man right now.”
River finally stops with the heart-to-heart routine and kicks me hard under the table.
“Get your head in the game, Sandman. I might need to kill some people soon, and I never go into battle without you at my back.”
“Don’t cry, dude. I’m always here for you.”
“You’re a timid little bitch with your easily bruised heart,” he says and smacks my head.
I nail him in the ribs before he lowers his arm. River swallows the pain while I avoid touching where he hit me. For a full minute, we refuse to show weakness.
“I think you broke a rib,” he finally grumbles and rubs his side.
Giving my head a rough pat, I sigh. “I’ve lost the ability to figure out the circumference of a circle.”
“Mine is worse.”
“I might need that circle shit for something one day. Now it’s just gone.”
“You can relearn it on the internet.”
“And your rib can heal.”
River finally laughs, and I relax a little. Our talk—along with the violence—helps distract me from Ramona, Fuse, and the Executioners.
However, I still spend far too much fucking time wondering what she’s doing. I hope she’s smiling and happy. But there’s no denying I wish she was next to me while feeling that way. Already bored with dating, I want to skip to the part where we’re spending the rest of our lives together.
THE CHAPTER WHERE THE LEGACY LOSES HER WAY
THE LEGACY
Kelsi gets a kick out of my wild hair when I stumble out of the bedroom. I hear her snickering over the sound of Bikini Kill playing through the house. I don’t know if Hugh is sleeping or working. He can snooze through the loudest music, but I turn down the song anyway.
After I clean up, and my short hair is under control, I find Kelsi at the kitchen table.
“Have you heard from Shane yet?” she asks, looking down at her phone.
“Do you mean today? Because he texted last night.”
Kelsi gives me a weird smile. When I frown at her, she smiles wider. I have no clue what’s happening, but her smile makes me smile too. I’m such a copycat.
“He’s meeting me after work today.”
“Better bring a bag of your stuff,” Hugh says, walking out of his room and seeming confused about which direction the bathroom is in. “Just in case he decides you need to be his roomie for the night.”
Kelsi gets a strange look on her face. I watch her, waiting to see why she’s freaked out. She knows I’m watching her. Instead of explaining, she just gets up and walks to the fridge.
“Did you see Shane last night at the Saloon?” I ask Kelsi.
Without looking back, she shrugs. “Yeah, we talked about how to make you like him more. I said he should offer foot rubs and not ask for anal.”
“I think I’d do anal for Shane. He’s very hot, and I sense he’d be very generous with the lube.”
“If that’s not the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard,” Hugh mutters and then frowns darkly at the doorbell ringing. “Anyone have any unpaid tickets or warrants that the cops might be here for?”
Wearing only boxers, Hugh doesn’t wait for us to respond. He grabs a golf club he borrowed years ago from the miniature golf course and walks to the door.
Outside stands Kenny DeGrassa in his spiffy, yet generic all-black outfit that he uses for his gig work. Kelsi dated him for a hot m
inute back in our senior year of high school. She said he bit her tongue and tried to finger her butt. I’m giggling about this memory when he hands me a bouquet of red and black roses.
“For Ramona,” he says and checks his phone. “Hey, Kelsi. Ever learn to swallow?”
“Oh, you poor shit. I always knew. I just liked spitting your spunk on your shirt to see if your holy roller mama ever noticed,” she taunts before shutting the door on him.
“Fancy,” Hugh says about my flowers before returning the golf club to the corner behind the door.
I look over the black-and-red roses as a giddy sensation bubbles up inside me. It’s the same feeling I got during the final moments of a school year. The way I suspect other kids got about their Christmases.
When I look at Kelsi, she starts bouncing. Then I realize I am too.
“Chicks,” Hugh mutters and disappears back in his room.
Kelsi takes the flowers from me and rests them carefully on the counter. Then we grasp hands and bounce around like pill-popping Tiggers.
“So romantic,” she says as we release our inner girly squeals. “They ain’t cheap, either.”
“I’ve never known a man to send flowers,” I say, hugging her. “I thought that stuff only happened in the movies.” As we smile at the flowers, I feel so light I could float around the room. “Why would he send them?”
“You rocked his dick’s world, and this might be how they show gratitude in Ellsberg,” Kelsi suggests, spinning around with me. “Like I get the feeling they’re real romantic and soft in that town. Did you know that River’s parents have been married for longer than we’ve been alive? I even heard his dad doesn’t have a side piece.”
“Bullshit,” Hugh says, walking through the room and disappearing into the bathroom.
“Yeah, that does sound like a lie,” I admit, running my fingers over the flowers. “They’re so perfect. Any other guy would just send red, but the black is so much cooler. It’s something I’d want. It’s something Shane noticed I’d like.”