by Bijou Hunter
Shane takes my hands, turns them palms-up, and runs his fingers over my scarred wrists.
“Did you only cut yourself that one night or were there other times?”
“Who told you about that night?”
“Hugh. He thinks I’ll fuck you over like your mom did.”
Shrugging, I hate thinking about that night. “I had a lot of thoughts jumbled in my head when it happened. Like that weekend wasn’t awful. I was stoned for a lot of it. First, Max slipped me something. Then I got there, and Bronco gave me something. He said I shouldn’t spend the weekend crying and making him feel guilty. Later, a sweet butt at the club gave me something, and they let me drink. I wasn’t sober for ninety percent of the time I was there. In fact, I got the feeling that’s why Pinball got so mean. He didn’t think I was suffering enough for what the Skullz did to Summer. Anyway, I got back, and I still felt like I could pretend it never happened. Then I went to the Saloon to get my payment. But I guess you know how that turned out.”
“He was a filthy piece of shit,” Shane hisses full of rage. “I want to dig him up and shit on his corpse.”
I laugh despite my better judgment. “That would be funny.”
“He was such trash,” Shane says, unable to shake his anger.
“That day, I felt like I was trash. That’s how he saw me. I didn’t even warrant a good used car. I just got Safire’s shitty one. I tell myself that Fuse never would have whored out his real daughters, but the fact is they never would have gone. Their mom would have hidden them or given them money to run off. Mine wouldn’t. I was feeling so low about how I meant nothing to Fuse. I felt shame at thinking he might care. Everyone knew too. About that weekend and the shitty car. I was a joke.”
I take an unsteady breath and place a bud in my ear. Just to help me stay calm, I quietly play music. As the edge comes off, I make myself look at Shane.
“Then Velma showed up to reward me for making Fuse happy. I was looking for something that night. Something from her. I needed a mother’s kind of love. You know, where you get a hug that makes you feel as if the world can’t touch you.”
Shane’s expression tells me that he not only knows that kind of hug, but he’s enjoyed it many times.
“But she couldn’t make me feel better. To really comfort me, she’d have to talk shit about Fuse. When I mentioned the car, she said it must be good because he wouldn’t lie. It was like she was brainwashed. I’m not even sure Fuse actually made her promises by that point in their relationship. She just believed what she wanted to believe because the alternative was that she wasted her life on a man who didn’t care.”
“But you needed her to take care of you.”
“Yeah, I felt as if I was sinking into mud. Every time she said something good about him, it was like she was saying something bad about me. If he thought I wasn’t worth anything except his real daughter’s shitty hand-me-down, then that was on me, not him. I was the failure. I was why he didn’t care. I started feeling so low, and I couldn’t escape. I needed to go home and be with the Band. I didn’t know how to leave, though.”
Sighing, I want a hug so badly. I take a chance and lean into Shane’s strong body. He doesn’t disappoint and immediately wraps his arms around me.
“Like last night, I just fall deep into a dark place. Nothing registers. I can’t save myself. I don’t remember cutting my wrists. I don’t remember anything after Mom said she would have loved to have ‘Property of Fuse’ tattooed on her back. She acted as if I was a whiner to complain about having a stranger’s name marked on me. At some point, after I cut my wrists, Max called. The ringer on my phone woke me up enough to answer it. I didn’t want to die, Shane.”
“Do you remember what I told you last night?”
“Not really. I got low so fast. I felt as if I was losing everything, and I didn’t know how to make it stop,” I say and then frown up at him. “Wait, did you take your shirt off in the parking lot?”
Shane gives me an embarrassed little smile. “I had some stupid fucking ideas about how to make you feel better.”
“You shirtless would normally be quite a mood improver.”
“I said I loved you last night.”
His words make my stomach twist into knots. His expression, though, breaks my fucking heart. “I’m sorry I don’t remember that.”
“I’m saying I love you right now.”
Hesitating, I finally admit, “I worry you still see me as a victim to be saved or a messed-up girl to be fixed.” Lowering my voice, I add, “I worry you’ll wake up and realize you didn’t see the real me. Then you might feel trapped.”
“I’m never walking away.”
“See, that right there is what worries me. You’re making promises. Many men would just break them and never feel guilty. I feel as if maybe you’re the kind of man who keeps his promises even if it ruins his life.”
Shane studies me with his dark eyes, and I can’t read them even a little bit. Like he could be a complete stranger for how unknowable he seems right now. Shane takes my hands and warms them in his.
“I admit I want to be your great savior, but I learned last night that I’m not enough. That hurt a little. But you don’t know my mom. She isn’t a perfect, innocent person. She has flaws. I see them. I just think her flaws make her more amazing. So, yeah, I probably have some issues from growing up with a messed-up mom, but I do see you, Ramona.”
Every time Shane opens up about his family, I instantly want to give him everything. He isn’t an emotional, chatty man. He surrounds himself with people who already know his secrets. Sharing with me is a big deal, and I want to give him something of equal value. Maybe that’s why I’m talking so much about that weekend with the Executioners and the night I cut my wrists. I never discuss that stuff with the Band. But with Shane, I need to offer him something like he offers me.
“I do love you, Shane.”
A smile warms his face. “I know you have your doubts, and we don’t know each other inside and out yet. I still believe you’re mine. I have no interest in fixing you either. I plan to love you, flaws and all. When I try to fix shit, it’s just so you’ll be happy, not so you’ll change.”
Swallowing hard, I pull my hands away and fight tears. “How do I ever give you anything like you give me? Like what you said right there is way better than anything I’ve ever said. It’s so uneven between us.”
Shane refuses to be denied. He very deliberately wraps his hands around mine. Leaning down, he looks me right in the eyes.
“Only because you put no value on what you do for other people. When you comforted Shelby the other night, you gave yourself no credit. When she shared her clothes with you, that was a big deal. You think we’re uneven because you’re completely blind to how you make me feel. You only value how I make you feel. When you make me smile, it’s nothing. When I make you smile, I’m fucking awesome. We are even, but I don’t know if you can really feel that.”
“Oh,” I mumble because he’s right that I can’t see what he means.
“But you love me, right?”
“More than feels safe.”
“But we already got the ugly shit out of the way. Like people often date for months or even years before they get to the real tests. We’ve dealt with the shit with Fuse, and I feel like we’re stronger now.”
“Did you kill him?” I blurt out, unable to stop myself. “I want you to tell me the truth. I won’t care. I just want you to be honest.”
“No one killed him.”
“I don’t buy that he drowned like that in an accident. He drove over that bridge a million times.”
“I don’t think it was an accident either.”
Shane’s meaning hits me hard. It never occurred to me that Fuse would kill himself. I just assumed like everyone else that he was a threat the Reapers took out.
“I know it’s fucked up, but I like knowing he felt bad enough to end his life,” I admit as we walk back to my house. “He never acted bothered
by anything. It seemed unfair for him to get all the good stuff and none of the bad stuff.”
“He looked ready to cry when River kicked his ass.”
Smiling, I wrap my arms around Shane’s left one and lean against him. “I like that thought.”
“I wish he was alive so I could kill him.”
“I wish that too, but if he were still alive, I might not be,” I admit. “I wasn’t doing well in Cleveland. If I had another bad episode there, no one would have been around to help me.”
“Because you were away from the Band?”
“Yeah. I mean, I tried making friends, and I dated that guy Matt. I wanted to build a new life and be a different person. I thought I could outrun my problems here, but they’re in me. All I did was leave behind the people that helped me survive. Anyway, I never did make any real friends, and Matt was a dead end. I started feeling bad a lot. That heavy feeling was on my back, pushing me down. The only time I felt okay was when I was sleeping. So, I only got up to go to work. I ate once a day before my shift. And I slept the rest of the time. It was the only way to survive. I was afraid to come back here, though. I thought it would be worse. Then Fuse lost the Skullz and died, and I had an excuse to return.”
“And I met you, and we’ll live the rest of our lives together.”
Studying his expression, I ask, “Are you afraid I’m going to leave you?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re my weakness, and I’m afraid to be weak. If I lose you, I don’t know how I get past that.”
I’m startled by the fear I see in Shane’s eyes. Hugging him to me, I don’t know any good words to make him feel better.
“I wish I could make a promise that’d help you.”
“Can you spend the night at my place tonight?”
“Yes.”
“And tomorrow night, we’ll sleep here. We can go back and forth until you’re ready to live with me.”
“Yes.”
Shane’s smile erases the fear in his eyes. If all he needs is to know I love him and won’t leave, I can’t imagine I’ll ever disappoint him.
THE ROMANTIC
Ramona looks at me differently after we talk about the Executioners. She smiles with the kind of naked vulnerability she hadn’t allowed before. I own her heart now.
Leaving her at Off the Rails feels wrong as if I should spend every moment at her side. But she needs to work, and I have plans to grocery shop with Shelby. My sister’s been edgy about going anywhere alone, and Taylor has plans today.
I arrive to find my sister sitting in her gray Yukon, listening to Ramona’s show on the radio.
“I think I hate the music she likes,” Shelby whispers to me when I open the door.
“She can’t hear you, and I don’t care if you hate her music. Just as long as you don’t hate her.”
“She’s the tits, Shane Campbell. You couldn’t have become obsessed with a more perfect woman.”
Relieved to find Shelby in a good mood, I worried she might get riled up when I didn’t come home last night. River promised he’d stay close and keep Shelby calm. I think he knows she’s one bad day away from moving back to Ellsberg.
“Maverick slept over last night,” Shelby says while we walk through the grocery store. “I think he’s worried about River.”
Frowning, I shrug off how Shelby doesn’t see that he’s worried about her. “What happened with that goblin bitch?”
“We roughed her up, shoved her face in the mud, kicked her in the ass, then took a picture of her crying. It was fun. What did she say to Ramona exactly?”
“Shit about the Executioners.”
“And that’s why you stayed with her last night at her house and not at our house?”
Shelby’s tone reveals what her expression hides. My absence freaked her out.
“Ramona was in a bad place last night.”
“Like sad?”
“No, more like suicidal. When I drove her home, Ramona felt hollowed out. She wasn’t her, just a shell. It was the scariest shit I’ve ever seen.”
Shelby stops pushing her cart and grabs me for a hug. “You need to take care of her. She deserves someone like Dad in her life. You’re Dad.”
Holding my sister against me, I know she needs reassurance. She’s not as messed-up as our mom, and she isn’t as on edge as Ramona, but Shelby is a nervous person. She’s always worried about potential threats—monsters, hockey mask-wearing killers, aliens. Her fears seem silly to people on the outside, but Shelby views the world as one big, scary obstacle course.
“That bitch,” she says, letting me go and starting to walk again, “Goddess ran to her dad. He came in last night around eleven, huffing and puffing about respect. River told him that his daughter talked shit about your woman. Since you were VP and Joey hadn’t proven his worth to the Reapers yet, Goddess was banned from the Saloon. I bet Joey realized maybe all that huffing and puffing just made things worse.”
I think about the target Joey already put on his back when he shared his version of the Executioners’ deal. Ramona was a slut, probably not even Fuse’s kid, and his old president was fucking brilliant to fix that problem without spilling any blood. The guy knew I was dating Ramona, but he just couldn’t turn off his big mouth to save his ass. A guy like him is a liability. He’ll sell out the club if he’s ever pinched on even the most minor crime.
“Later, I should talk to River alone about the solution to a few problem people. Ramona is staying over, so I’ll need you to keep her busy.”
“I can do that,” Shelby says and then frowns at the bottle of juice I add to the cart. “Why?”
“Ramona loves cranberry juice. She first tried it at a hotel when she and the Band went to Nashville for a concert. I guess it made quite the fucking impression.”
“She’s weird. I like that. I prefer that to normal people like Lily Johansson. Quilting nerd.”
“She once asked if you were in therapy.”
“I hate her.”
Grinning at her exaggeration, I add a few bags of chips to the cart. “We’ll have the Ellsberg crew to town when the weather warms up. I think it’ll be good to remind the former Skullz how they’re part of something bigger.”
“Why not do it already?”
“River wants to own this town before he has Cooper all up in his business.”
Shelby laughs. “What an insecure weenie.”
“It’s tough being at the top of the food chain, big sis. A lot of pressure to live up to our dads.”
“You never can, though.” When I frown, Shelby just pats my cheek. “You don’t see Dad clearly. Like, I’m sure he’s bawled like a baby at some point in his adult life, but we never saw it. He probably fell off his Harley, tripped over his own feet, got the wrong answers on easy tests. We view him as an unstoppable force. He stayed up all night when we were sick, never lost his temper with Mom, always made sure we were loved. He seems perfect, but he’s not. Just like you’re not. That’s why you can’t live up to him because you see the real you and the fake him.”
“I know he’s not perfect,” I mutter, thinking of how I just told Ramona that she can’t see clearly. Apparently, Shelby thinks I suffer from a similar affliction.
“List ten flaws.”
“He can’t cook well.”
“Neither can you. What’s another flaw?”
“He loses his temper with the lawn.”
“You once attacked a bush. Next.”
“I get your point.”
“Good. I don’t want you to think you’re lesser in any way. My little brother is a real prize.”
Grinning, I wrap my arm around her shoulders. “I’m glad you came to Shasta with us. It’s hard enough without Mom and Dad around.”
“Coming here felt like a step down, but there’s no Ramona in Ellsberg.”
Her words make me smile like a dumb fucking kid. “When I left her at the station, she looked so happy. I helped make that happen. I f
elt more badass from that accomplishment than kicking a hundred asses.”
“My baby bruv is in love,” she teases as we head for the checkout. “I’m not even a little jealous that you got hooked before I did. Not one little bit.”
“To be fair, it’s a little difficult for you to find love when you don’t date.”
“You didn’t date Ramona. You saw her from across the street and claimed her like a psycho. Where’s my guy across the street to claim? I want to be a psycho.”
“One day, sis, you’ll see him, possibly shirtless, and you’ll instantly orgasm just from the sight of your man. Then you’ll sneak over to sniff him to be certain he has decent hygiene. After that, it’ll be a fucking fairy tale.”
I know the people in line around us are offended by my language. That’s why I say the last few sentences louder. People in Shasta really are weird. This is a hick town where people fuck everyone, and a biker club runs shit, but they still manage to act like a bunch of country club biddies. No matter how long I live in Shasta, that’s something I’ll never get used to.
THE LEGACY
The fearless, over-the-moon feeling from this morning fades during my shift. My playlist is all wrong. A song about loss makes me think about Max leaving. One about love makes me think about how I’m profoundly ill-equipped for a healthy relationship with a man. A song about betrayal makes me think about my parents, what they meant to each other, and how I fit into that toxic mix.
By the time the song about heartbreak comes along, I’ve lost my earlier glow. Shane and I can’t last. It’s impossible to picture him still into me in a year’s time, let alone in ten. Fuse still wanted Velma even after decades, but he only had to see her once a week. Love gets old fast when you’re constantly together.
Of course, Shane wants me around all the time. It’s unhealthy, but I can’t tell him no. Hugh was right about jumping in with both feet. I’m not safer without loving Shane completely. I’ll only miss out, and the thought of missing anything with him cuts me deep.