“I wish I had,” he said softly.
She winced.
He touched a hand to her arm. “I didn’t say that to make you feel bad—only to let you know that I sincerely wish I’d been there for you, so that I could have struggled along with you.”
“But I do feel bad,” she said. “I didn’t mean to deprive you of those first weeks with your son.”
“I know,” Kyle said, because it was true.
Another truth was that, even if he’d known about Joel, he couldn’t have been in Silver Hook with Erin and their son because he had responsibilities here. He was the executive chef of The Home Station—his name was etched in the glass on the door. After years of toiling away in other people’s kitchens, he was finally in charge of his own.
A wife and kids hadn’t been anywhere on his radar. And he couldn’t have guessed how much it would mean to him to be a father until the very first time he’d held his son in his arms. In that moment, he’d known that there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for his child. And one of the things he really wanted for his child was a family.
“Tell me about those first weeks,” he urged.
“You want to know how badly I screwed up?” she guessed. “That I couldn’t figure out how to get him to latch on properly, so he wasn’t getting enough milk. Then, to make up for it, he was nursing almost constantly, so my nipples started to crack and bleed. And that’s probably more information than you wanted.”
He shook his head. “I want to know everything I missed. But mostly, I want to know that you’re okay now.”
“I’m okay,” she assured him.
“I couldn’t be there to help you then,” he noted. “But I want to be here to help you now.”
“You are here.”
“I don’t mean right now but always,” he clarified. “As your husband and a father to our son—and any other children we might have in the future.”
“We can co-parent without being married. In fact, that’s what we’ve been doing, and quite successfully, for the past several weeks.”
“I don’t want to co-parent,” he insisted stubbornly. “I want us to be a family.”
“We’re not getting married,” she said, matching his tone.
“I want to be here for Joel. For him and for you.”
“I will do everything I can to accommodate your relationship with our son, but I can’t marry you. I can’t stand before a minister—or even a justice of the peace—and exchange vows that we wouldn’t keep.”
“I would keep them,” he assured her. “I do honor and cherish you.”
“But you don’t love me,” she said.
“I care about you.”
“And I care about you, too much to screw everything up by saying yes to a marriage proposal you blurted out because you believe that getting married is the right thing to do.”
* * *
It might have been easy for Erin to dismiss Kyle’s impulsive proposal, but it wasn’t so easy for her to forget it. Saying no had been the right thing to do, but she couldn’t deny that she’d been tempted—if only for a moment—to say yes. Not only because she wanted to give their son a family, but because at some point over the past few weeks—or maybe during the previous seven years—she’d realized that she was falling in love with Kyle.
At least, she was pretty sure that what she was feeling was love. But the truth was, her emotions had been running high for months, forcing her to consider the possibility that what she felt wasn’t love for Kyle but an overflow of the emotion that connected her to their son. Except that the more time she spent with Kyle and Joel, the deeper she fell in love with both of them.
So maybe she could imagine herself someday reciting the traditional wedding vows to Kyle, but only if she believed that he loved her, too. Because marriage was a sacred institution not to be entered into casually or impulsively but only by two people who were in love and fully committed to one another.
Marrying Kyle because they both loved Joel would be wrong for so many reasons.
But she couldn’t deny that she would be tempted to say yes, if only she could believe that he might someday love her, too.
* * *
Erin was looking forward to the meeting she’d scheduled for Tuesday morning with Quinn. Not only because she hadn’t seen her friend since their arduous road trip, but also because it was a business meeting, which meant that she got to put on grown-up clothes and have a conversation with someone who was capable of talking back.
Of course, no one had told Erin that she had to live in leggings and flannel shirts when she was at home, but the stretchy pants were comfortable and the button-front shirts allowed quick access to her breasts at feeding time. And while she was hardly starved for conversation, considering that Kyle stopped by every day and often more than once a day, her routines were starting to feel a little stale and she was eager to shake them up a little.
She also believed that it was important for her to have her own life and career outside of being a mom, and she was fortunate that Kyle wasn’t just willing but able to share the responsibilities of parenting. And if she was surprised that his schedule proved to be much more accommodating than she’d previously imagined, she was also grateful.
But as much as she’d been looking forward to her meeting, when she was finally ready to go, she discovered that she wasn’t so eager to leave her baby.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” she asked Kyle, not wanting to admit that she was the one suddenly experiencing doubts. “Quinn probably wouldn’t mind if I brought Joel with me.”
“I’m thinking you don’t trust me to do this,” he said.
“Of course, I trust you,” she hastened to assure him. Because she did. She knew Kyle loved their son and would take good care of him, but she’d never been away from Joel for more than an hour—and that was only to go to the grocery store. “I just think Quinn might be disappointed if I show up alone.”
“If she is, you can show her the hundreds of photos and videos you have on your phone,” he suggested.
She didn’t argue the number. No doubt there were hundreds—possibly even thousands—of pictures on her phone, because she always had it in hand to snap and share photos.
“Okay,” she relented. “I’m going.” She scooped the baby out of his seat to give him a last, quick cuddle. “You be a good boy for Daddy, okay?”
Joel gave her a gummy smile.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” she said, then brushed a kiss on the baby’s cheek.
“What about me?” Kyle asked.
Though she rolled her eyes, she kissed his cheek, too, as she handed him the baby, and walked out of the apartment with her lips tingling.
Chapter Fourteen
As Erin drove to Cooper’s Corners, she couldn’t help but marvel over how much her life had changed in the past eight weeks since she’d returned to Haven.
It felt really good to be back, to be living her own life again. And while she felt certain that being a mom to Joel was the most important job she would ever do, she knew it was also important that she not allow her life to revolve around her son. Her clients had been understanding while she’d worked remotely from Silver Hook, but now that she was back, it was reasonable that they’d expect more personal attention. And she was happy to give that personal attention, especially when the client was also a friend.
Quinn lived with her grandfather in a two-story stone-and-brick house on the outer edge of town. Her office was above the double car garage, accessible by both interior and exterior doors. The first time Erin had met with Quinn there, she’d remarked on the convenience of being able to roll out of bed and go to work in pajamas. But Quinn never did, insisting that leaving the house and entering through the outside door helped put her in the mindset of “going to the office” so that as soon as she sat down behind her desk, she was ready t
o get started.
Through her connection to Quinn, Erin had done work for a couple of other authors and discovered that they all had their quirks. One fueled herself through revisions with diet Cokes and Oreos, and another did a ritualistic cleansing of her workspace before she started each new project. As long as their routines—and Erin—worked for them, she wasn’t going to judge.
She pulled into the driveway, parking beside the Bookmobile that her friend drove around town every week, because apparently being a bestselling novelist didn’t keep Quinn busy enough! As she climbed out of her car, she spotted Quinn’s grandfather sitting on the porch, drinking his coffee and scrolling through the news on his iPad. Old Mr. Ellison, as he was referred to around town, had resisted technology for a long time, insisting that the only way to read a newspaper was in paper form—a conviction that had been tossed aside like yesterday’s news when the Herald, Haven’s local paper, went digital-only.
Erin lifted a hand in a wave as she made her way to the side door and the stairs leading up to Quinn’s office, and the old man returned the gesture.
“You’re just on time,” Quinn said, as the kettle started to whistle when Erin walked through the door.
“Are you making tea?” she asked, surprised because her friend was an avid coffee drinker.
“I figured that was your current preference, since you drank about ten gallons of it en route between Arkansas and Nevada.”
“It is,” Erin confirmed.
“I got cookies from Sweet Caroline’s, too. Oatmeal chocolate chip and white chocolate macadamia nut.”
“And I wonder why I’m still carrying seven pounds of baby fat,” she lamented, even as she reached for a cookie from the plate on the table.
“Well, those seven pounds look good on you,” her friend said, setting a mug of peppermint tea in front of Erin. “And another three would probably look even better.”
“If you don’t move this plate of cookies, I might add them,” she warned.
Quinn chuckled as she took a seat across from her friend and helped herself to a cookie. “So...tell me how it’s going.”
“It’s a struggle sometimes to squeeze work in during Joel’s nap times,” Erin said as she opened her laptop and keyed in her password. “But I think you’re really going to like what—”
“I wasn’t asking about the new website design,” Quinn said, reaching across the table to gently close the computer again.
“Isn’t that why I’m here?”
“Only partly,” her friend said. “The bigger part—and what I was actually asking about—is how things are going with Kyle and the whole co-parenting arrangement.”
“Oh. Um. Good. Things are good.”
“You don’t sound so sure about that,” Quinn remarked.
“I’m not sure about anything anymore,” she confided. “I thought things were good—and then he asked me to marry him.”
“I’d take that as confirmation that things are going really well,” her friend said.
“Except that he only asked me to marry him because he wants us to live and raise Joel together.”
“And you want to marry for love,” Quinn guessed.
“Is that too much to ask?”
“Of course not. I just think that people sometimes put too much stock in the words. Some guys will say ‘I love you’ at the drop of a hat—or in the hopes that they’ll lead a woman to dropping her pants. Others don’t say the words, but they show that they care in all the little and big things that they do.”
Erin didn’t disagree with what her friend was saying, but she worried that it was sometimes too easy to read into the little and big things so that they took on more significance than might have been intended. And when she thought about all the sweet and thoughtful things that Kyle had done for her over the past several weeks, she was afraid that she was seeing what she wanted to see and making a big deal out of nothing.
“Anyway, I told him no and that was that,” she said. “Now tell me what’s going on with you.”
“My publisher wants me to do a book tour.”
“That’s not unusual,” she remarked. “You’ve done one for each of your past six books.”
“Yeah, and usually I’m happy to do them. The schedule is crazy, but it’s fun to meet readers in different cities.”
“So why aren’t you happy about it this time?”
“Because of Steven,” Quinn confided, naming the man she’d been dating for the past several months.
“You’re afraid that you’re going to miss him?” Erin guessed.
Her friend sighed and reached for another cookie. “Actually, I’m afraid that I won’t.”
“Oh.”
“I hardly thought about him when I was in Silver Hook,” Quinn confided now. “Of course, there was a lot of really interesting stuff going on there, so that might have had something to do with it.
“But if I do this book tour and don’t miss him, then I’ll have to break up with him when I get back, because what’s the point of being in a relationship with someone who you don’t even miss when you’re apart? Other than to have a guaranteed date for holidays and family events, of course,” she said, in answer to her own question.
“Is that really why you’re with him?” Erin asked. “So that you have someone to sit next to at Thanksgiving dinner or to dance with at a cousin’s wedding?”
Quinn shrugged. “That and the sex is usually enjoyable.”
“Usually enjoyable,” she echoed dubiously, wondering why her amazing and talented friend would be willing to settle for mediocrity in any part of her life.
“He tries really hard,” Quinn said, in defense of her boyfriend. “But it isn’t always easy for me to shut off my brain and immerse myself in the moment.”
“You shouldn’t have to shut it off,” Erin said. “When he kisses you, it should be with so much intensity and passion that you can’t think about anything but how much you want him. And when you finally come together, you aren’t just immersed in the moment—you are the moment, because everything outside of it ceases to exist, and even afterward, that single perfect moment lives on in your heart forever.”
Quinn snatched up her notebook and pen from the table and frantically began scribbling. “Ohmygod, Erin—that’s perfect. Absolute gold.”
“Um...what’s gold?” she asked, torn between bafflement and amusement as she watched her friend’s pen fly over the page.
“What you just said. I’ve been struggling to write the love scene between Lily and Mark—I’m so much better at killing characters than the touchy-feely stuff—but what you just said now... I actually feel inspired.”
“I’m...happy to help?” Erin said, sounding undecided.
Her friend laughed as she set the pen down and snapped the cover of the book shut. “So tell me—is that how you felt when you made love with Kyle? Was it a single perfect moment that will live on in your heart forever?”
“Why would you assume I was thinking of Kyle?” she hedged. “Maybe I just read too many romance novels.”
“You can never read too much of anything,” Quinn said. “Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. And sex, if it’s done right, is the very best form of exercise. And it sounds to me like Kyle does it right.”
Erin sighed. “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”
“Having known each of you for a number of years, I’m undeniably curious to know what caused the chemistry between you to suddenly combust.”
“The cause was a bottle of cabernet sauvignon,” she said honestly.
“Hmm,” Quinn said, clearly unconvinced. “Okay, here’s another question—for research purposes.”
“Isn’t everything for research purposes?”
“It’s true I never know what might end up in one of my books,” her friend acknowledged. �
�But I always change names to protect the innocent.”
“So what’s your question?” Erin prompted.
“When you realized you were pregnant...were you happy?” Quinn wondered.
“It took me a while to get to happy,” she admitted. “First there was shock, then panic, and then—when I stopped thinking ‘ohmygod, I’m pregnant’ and started to realize ‘I’m going to have a baby’—such indescribable joy. I never even knew that I wanted a baby until I knew that I was pregnant.”
“So maybe you won’t know that you want a husband until you say yes to Kyle’s proposal,” her friend teased.
“It’s not going to happen,” Erin said firmly.
And for more reasons than she’d been willing to admit to Quinn—or even the man who’d asked her to marry him.
* * *
Life was pretty good, Kyle thought, as he dropped a pat of butter into the hot pan. It wasn’t without challenges, but it was good. Of course, it would be even better when he finally convinced Erin to marry him so that they could live together with their son and be a real family, because he refused to give up on his conviction that it would happen.
He understood her reticence. He truly did. But her reticence was no match for his determination.
“Chef?”
“Hmm?”
“One of the guests at table four wants to speak to the you,” Hanna said.
Kyle didn’t look up. “Is there a problem with the food?” he asked, confident that there wasn’t. Because nothing went out of his kitchen without being prepared and presented to his very exacting standards.
“I don’t think so.”
“Then whatever he wants can wait until I’m finished searing these salmon steaks.”
She nodded, but instead of returning to the dining room to convey that information to the customer, she continued to hover.
“Was there something else, Hanna?”
“I think he might be someone you know—or at least someone who knows you,” she explained. “Because he asked for you by name.”
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