LETTER XXX
MISS CL. HARLOWE, TO MRS. JUDITH NORTONTHURSDAY, AUG. 24.
The relation of such a conversation as passed between my aunt and youwould have given me pleasure, had it come some time ago; because it wouldhave met with a spirit more industrious than mine now is, to pick outremote comfort in the hope of a favourable turn that might one day haverewarded my patient duty.
I did not doubt my aunt't good-will to me. Her affection I did notdoubt. But shall we wonder that kings and princes meet with so littlecontroul in their passions, be they every so violent, when, in a privatefamily, an aunt, nay, even a mother in that family, shall choose to giveup a once-favoured child against their own inclinations, rather thanoppose an aspiring young man, who had armed himself with the authority ofa father, who, when once determined, never would be expostulated with?
And will you not blame me, if I say, that good sense, that kindredindulgence, must be a little offended at the treatment I have met with;and if I own, that I think that great rigour has been exercised towardsme! And yet I am now authorized to call it rigour by the judgment of twoexcellent sisters, my mother and my aunt, who acknowledge (as you tell mefrom my aunt) that they have been obliged to join against me, contrary totheir inclinations; and that even in a point which might seem to concernmy eternal welfare.
But I must not go on at this rate. For may not the inclination my motherhas given up be the effect of a too-fond indulgence, rather than that Imerit the indulgence? And yet so petulantly perverse am I, that I musttear myself from the subject.
All then that I will say further to it, at this time, is, that were theintended goodness to be granted to me but a week hence, it would possiblybe too late--too late I mean to be of the consolation to me that I wouldwish from it: for what an inefficacious preparation must I have beenmaking, if it has not, by this time, carried me above--But above what?--Poor mistaken creature! Unhappy self-deluder! that finds herself abovenothing! Nor able to subdue her own faulty impatience!
But in-deed, to have done with a subject that I dare not trust myselfwith, if it come in your way, let my aunt Hervey, let my dear cousinDolly, let the worthy Mrs. Williams, know how exceedingly grateful to metheir kind intentions and concern for me are: and, as the best warrantor justification of their good opinions, (since I know that their favourfor me is founded on the belief that I loved virtue,) tell them, that Icontinued to love virtue to my last hour, as I presume to hope it may besaid; and assure them that I never made the least wilful deviation,however unhappy I became for one faulty step; which nevertheless was notowing to unworthy or perverse motives.
I am very sorry that my cousin Morden has taken a resolution to see Mr.Lovelace.
My apprehensions on this intelligence are a great abatement to thepleasure I have in knowing that he still loves me.
My sister's letter to me is a most affecting one--so needlessly, soludicrously taunting!--But for that part of it that is so, I ought ratherto pity her, than to be so much concerned at it as I am.
I wonder what I have done to Mr. Brand--I pray God to forgive both himand his informants, whoever they be. But if the scandal arise solelyfrom Mr. Belford's visits, a very little time will confute it. Meanwhile, the packet I shall send you, which I sent to Miss Howe, will, Ihope, satisfy you, my dear Mrs. Norton, as to my reasons for admittinghis visits.
My sister's taunting letter, and the inflexibleness of my dearer friends--But how do remoter-begun subjects tend to the point which lies nearestthe heart!--As new-caught bodily disorders all crowd to a fractured ordistempered part.
I will break off, with requesting your prayers that I may be blessed withpatience and due resignation; and with assuring you, that I am, and willbe to the last hour of my life,
Your equally grateful and affectionateCL. HARLOWE.
Clarissa Harlowe; or the history of a young lady — Volume 8 Page 31