I giggled. If I closed my eyes I’d sound like Rain. A cute innocent girl untainted by our parents’ neglect and turmoil. But I wasn’t Rain and I remembered my past for what it was. I damn sure didn’t giggle. This man was topping from the bottom and it really needed to stop.
James pulled his phone out and stared at it, drumming his fingers across his touch screen.
A second later my phone chimed in my purse.
James: Describe your laugh to me.
I looked up in shock. My heart squeezed in my chest at his request.
Becca: You want to hear me laugh?
He nodded slowly, eyes stuck on mine.
His demand reached deep inside of me and ripped me apart. My eyes stung and my throat was thick with unshed, unladylike tears. It hit me then. Really hit me. James would never hear my voice, or my rare giggles, or listen to me at all. There was a barrier between us. It was invisible but still somehow damaging. In that moment I wanted to break it down and meet him half way. We would stand amidst the rubble together. So he couldn’t hear my voice—I’d learn sign language. I giggled about as often as James—I wasn’t missing anything there. And I didn’t need a man to listen to me—I heard myself just fine. I wanted him to know that though he couldn’t hear me laugh, that didn’t mean he could stop making me do so. But we wouldn’t break the barrier. I’d save up, find a new place to live, and leave James behind the way I left everyone else except Rain.
Our time together wasn’t over yet. I wasn’t so selfless that I’d pass up an opportunity to touch him. I got up and sat in the chair beside him, holding out my hand for his. When he placed it in mine I brought his fingers to my lips and raised my eyebrows expectantly. “Joke,” I hinted.
He frowned and tried to remove his hand, but I held on tightly. “Becca.” He formed the word with an intended warning.
I hardly bothered myself with warnings. “Make me laugh. Feel it.”
James looked around nervously. Then he scooted his chair closer and pressed his fingers delicately to my lips, feeling them as he seemed to mentally struggle. With his free hand he held his phone, texting.
I reached over and grabbed my phone, reading with his fingers on my lips.
James: Do you laugh a lot?
Becca: Not as much as that girl.
There were a mother and daughter on the other side of the restaurant. Every time the mother brought her chopsticks to her mouth her daughter giggled. James glanced over at the little golden-haired child. His lips lifted up in the corner and he shook his head a little, dismissing my example.
James: Cute kid, but that isn’t what I meant.
Becca: You’ve made me laugh a couple times. Try it again. I want you to, James.
Despite my insistence I broke the rules for a second. I let my emotions shine through. But I didn’t examine them or put words to them. They were feelings, both raw and visceral, and they would remain that way. Breathing life into those emotions went against everything I lived my life for. But I wasn’t above manipulation, and made sure my eyes portrayed what I was feeling. James stared at me for a long time before he relented.
James: You and Raina are lethal with those damn looks.
And just like that I was laughing. Raina had the most insane, dilapidating pouty face known to man. No matter what, she could get me with it every single damn time. I knew exactly what he was talking about. His fingers felt my smile and the breath of my laugh. It wasn’t the real thing, but sometimes getting a taste of something was almost as good as taking the whole bite. At least that was what I told myself when his lips lifted crookedly.
I wanted to kiss him again, so I moved out from under his touch and returned to my seat across from him.
Becca: Are you up for dessert? They have green tea ice cream.
His only response was to nod once.
“Stay here,” I ordered. When I returned with two servings of ice cream he ate it hesitantly. At one point he gave up and shook his head, giving me the rest. Instead of eating with my spoon I ate with his, enjoying the knowledge that the cold metal touched his tongue before it touched mine.
“Thank you for paying.” I spoke out loud, but signed my thanks, feeling slightly more confident in my delivery.
“You’re welcome.” His hand movements weren’t dissimilar, but he did them with so much ease and fluidity. He glanced away for a moment, returning his gaze to mine after a while. “Do you work tonight?” his lips asked.
Shaking my head, I said, “I’m off on Mondays.”
I got the impression he was holding back. I could see something on the edge of his eyes. Like a turtle that poked his head out of his shell and was only now realizing how dangerous that was. He was right. I was dangerous. And selfish. And far too different to ever make this friendship last. But I was all of those things and more, and I refused to let him back away now.
“Want to hang out?”
His reluctance was clear, which suggested there was a part of him who wanted to give in despite his doubt. James wanted me. We both knew it. Boundaries had to be set here or I would rip this man apart. A task I had found in the past to be as rewarding as it was intoxicating. But what James didn’t know was that I wanted him too. Only I knew it. He might have the same power. Which was why I needed to get my kicks in and take off before it got too late.
Although with everything in my life I took the one road I knew was bad for me. The ride was half the battle.
Finally, he nodded, eyes wary. “Tess,” he offered, as if her name would put his doubt into perspective.
It didn’t. If anything it drove a searing knife into my chest. Screw Tess. “You’re mine today,” I hissed, despite his inability to hear my anger.
I was pissed off regardless of its effectiveness. I scooped up my purse and grabbed his upper arm, pulling him after me through the restaurant. He allowed me to, sporting an annoying smirk. I had a brief thought of how this must look. Me—furious, losing control, tugging a man after me. James—gorgeous, smirking, letting me control him. I let him go once we were outside. I never forced men to follow me. They’d either follow or they wouldn’t. Those that wouldn’t weren’t going to keep me up at night. Parts of me were changing around this man. Parts that had protected and saved me. How much was I willing to lose to be around him?
Since when did I allow men to change me?
I paused in front of his truck and watched him crawl into the driver’s seat. When he saw me standing there our eyes locked. I braced myself. When the ground stopped trembling I knew I had to make a decision. My father’s handsome face entered my mind. You’re pathetic, he’d shout at my mother. Why do I still love you? The push and pull had gotten in my bloodstream. I lived my life attempting to make myself the strongest person I knew. But in the weeks since I met James I’d never felt weaker. It could be circumstance. Things weren’t going the way I felt they should. But things had never gone the way I felt they should.
My phone chimed in my purse.
James: No Tess. I’m yours all day.
When I continued to stand there, messages flooded my inbox.
James: Friends with benefits.
James: Get in the truck Becca.
James: Please?
That one plea reminded me of the pleas I ignored. Guilt from that night would probably never go away. If his falling apart then was anything like what he did this morning, then I left him alone when he truly needed me. How could he still want me around? If he failed me once I’d walk away. It wasn’t fair, but that’s how it went. Fail me once, shame on you. Fail me twice, shame on me. I’d never been ashamed of me.
James didn’t look at me when I crawled into his truck. He put it in reverse and then backed out, checking both ways carefully before he pulled out into the road. I couldn’t take the silence, so I reached over and turned the music on. He had satellite radio in his truck and a particularly bubbly pop star screamed through the speakers. I covered my ears and turned it down, glaring at him.
He simply look
ed over curiously.
I changed the station to rock, listening to Skid Row wail as James drove around Jacksonville. The streets were busy with workers getting off for lunch. I wasn’t surprised when James pulled into Second Chances. The employee parking lot was empty save for a beat-up white van and Max’s 4X4. James pulled alongside Raul’s van and then cut the engine. I sifted through my purse as James stood beside me near the back door, waiting patiently for me to locate the key. The back room was stocked and organized. Raul must’ve pulled an all-nighter. Male voices drifted through the door from the bar.
I took James’s hand and pulled him along after me. The contact was far too comforting. His large hand was soft and it enveloped mine in a way I found safe. Did I feel unsafe? Or just profoundly unstable? Things were rocky lately. James grounded me. Instead of letting his hand go the way I should, I held it tighter, pushing open the back door to the bar.
Raul and Max were stacking glasses. They looked over at the sound of the door. Raul frowned in disapproval and Max in concern. Then their eyes flashed to James and down at his hand in mine. Still, I didn’t let it go. I was crumbling on the inside and this hand was the only thing keeping me rooted in place. Raul’s frown deepened and Max’s eyes shined.
“You’re a little late for your shift, cariño,” Raul drawled.
“A call would have been nice, Bec,” Max agreed.
I waved with my left hand. “Bring it on, guys. I can take it.”
“That sexy momma you interviewed the other day would make a great replacement,” Raul stated, dark eyes twinkling with his twisted humor. “You play favorites with this girl.” His humor disappeared. “She’s good, but she’s unreliable.”
“Whose bar is this?” Max looked down at Raul from his height.
Raul put his hands up. “I’m just supplying the conversation.”
Max turned to us and glanced curiously at James. “Are you going to introduce us, Becca?”
James openly glared at Raul. Could he sense the games we’d played? He let my hand go and appeared taller, less shy and frail. Beside me was a man who could probably crush Raul. I usually let men fight. They needed to showcase their testosterone before they imploded. On this occasion I found the image of James fighting unappealing. One glance at Raul and I understood his anger. Raul’s eyes slid over my body openly. I’d caught him looking before, but this seemed blatant. I frowned at him and tried to figure out his motives, but Max cleared his throat and Raul and I let the awkward exchange go.
I touched James’s shoulder. “Max, this is James. My friend. He’s Kent’s roommate.”
Max put two and two together alarmingly fast. He nodded, giving me a strange look. “Interesting.” He stepped forward with his hand outstretched. “Nice to meet you, James. You were in here the other night, weren’t you?”
James shook his hand and glanced at me, his gaze nervous.
“He’s deaf, Max.”
Max’s put two and two together again. His expression was contrite. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
James waved his concern away. “It’s cool,” he mouthed.
Raul glanced between James and I with his dark gaze narrowed. Why was this any of his business? We were coworkers. Sure, not that long ago I initiated a game with him. It unnerved me how long ago that felt, and how much I didn’t want to play with him anymore. I thought it had something to do with the blue-eyed hottie standing beside me, and I shut the thought down instantly.
These games were my cure for the loneliness that thrived inside of me like vermin chewing on my organs. James wasn’t a cure. He was a buffer—just like every other man before him. I couldn’t forget them just because James seemed to be worth so much more. Even if the idea of hooking up with Heath again made my skin crawl and my loneliness revolt.
I dropped my hand from James’s shoulder and met Max’s gaze head-on, daring him to call me out. “Can we talk?”
“Go start folding the bar towels, would you, Raul?” Max asked.
Raul huffed in irritation. He slinked past me, drilling me with his dark eyes. If it was a month ago I probably would have attacked him right there. Took him on the bar and disappeared into my moans. Now he wanted to play? Too bad for him. I picked the game time and he was out of luck.
Once the bar was empty I bent over and opened the beer fridge, grabbing a cold Blue Moon for James. The James I met that first night filled my belly with strange foreign feelings. Fluttery soul sucking feelings. I could feel his eyes on me, on my back and ass as I straightened up. Those feelings hadn’t lessened. I found a clean glass and grabbed an orange peel out of the bin, making him the perfect beer the same way I did that night. “Stop looking at me like that, Max.” I kept my back to James, pouring his beer slowly so he couldn’t read my lips.
“You look like crap, girl. What’s going on?” When I didn’t reply he leaned against the bar next to me and grabbed my chin, forcing my eyes on his. “We’re friends, right? You trust me, right?” I nodded slowly. “Then tell me what’s wrong?”
“Everything,” I admitted, setting the bottle down. I squeezed the orange slice into the glass and then covered the rim with the zest, inhaling the scent of citrus in the air. “I’m staying at Rain’s place.”
As intended, this distracted him. “Oh, good. That’s great, Bec. I’m glad you guys mended fences.”
“Well, she doesn’t know I’m there. Kent offered me a place to stay. They’re in Tampa. They won’t be back for two weeks.”
“Why did you need a place to stay? Becca?” he demanded when I didn’t answer. “Why would Kent offer you a place to stay?”
“Because, Max,” I said, handing James his beer and avoiding his penetrating gaze, “I had nowhere else to go.”
“Damn it. You have to come to me. I know you’re strong and self-sufficient, but it’s all right to need help sometimes. I have no problem letting you stay at my place. You’re so damn stubborn.”
“Are you going to fire me?”
He sighed. “Of course not. Christa covered for you last night. I told her she can take your shift this Saturday.”
My head snapped up. “Max.” Saturday was the busiest night. I made most of my tips that night. I needed that cash.
“Not my fault, girl. You flaked. You’re my favorite bartender, but you’re also my employee. You need to borrow some money?” His face softened, the big brute.
No way was I taking money from him. He had a baby coming. He was far more in need of it than me. “No. I’ll live. How’s Claire?”
His smile was large and wide, giving me no choice but to smile in return. “Moody as hell and gassy too. Poor thing kept me up all night.”
I smirked. “Tell her I said hi?”
“Why don’t you come over tonight? She’s been itching to try out the new dinner table we bought.” His eyes flashed to James. “You could bring your friend.” He leaned in close and grabbed a glass, turning it this way and that. “I’ve never seen you hold hands with a guy before. Who knew Becca could be so…adorable?”
“Okay. It was nice talking you to. Gotta go.” I grabbed James’s barely finished beer and guzzled it. I slammed the glass down and pushed him out of the bar door.
“Dinner tonight at six?” Max checked, laughing at my reaction.
Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to hang out with Claire and eat a good home-cooked meal. Lately my friends had fallen to the wayside. Most of them let it happen, which meant they cared about as much as me. Max and Claire weren’t relationships I was willing to compromise. “Sure.”
“Nice meeting you, James.” Max nodded at him.
James didn’t notice his parting, letting me push him through the doors. Once outside I released him and stood there, staring up at the sky as I tried to reign in my emotions. I needed to remind myself what was important. But when I opened my eyes James was there and my ground stilled.
I must not have looked well because his handsome face softened and he grabbed my wrist, pulling me gently ag
ainst his chest. I struggled for one, maybe two seconds, before I gave up and wrapped my arms around his body. His smell smoothed the mayhem in my brain and the intense, consuming feeling that I was losing control over my life.
He rubbed my back, smoothing down my spine and grazing the top of my ass. His hands traveled over my shoulder blades and back down, creating this intoxicating, comforting movement. Heat pooled in my panties, making me hyperaware of how hard and good his body felt. I snuggled closer to him, fitting myself into the free spaces so that we were molded together. Every space was filled by him. I’d never fit so well with anyone.
I dipped my hands below his sweater and rubbed his bare lower back. His skin was hot and smooth, making my mouth dry and my middle wet. My heart pounded and my head fogged with this man. I just wanted him. Right here in the parking lot in front of everyone. They’d know he was mine; even if I couldn’t have him later I’d take him right now. The sun on our skin, the blue sky above—I wanted him out in the open.
His growing erection dug into my lower stomach. He felt it too. This attraction was all-consuming. It demanded action. I pressed myself impossibly tighter to his body, feeling his hardness grow. I couldn’t help imagining being beneath him, bodies entangled, nails digging into wanting flesh.
Dragging my fingers around his sides, I slid them over his abs and found his happy trail. He shuddered and shoved his face into my hair, so that his breath was in my ear. Hearing his arousal was more of a turn on than feeling it. He had no idea he was making those deep, sexy moans. I undid his buckle and then his zipper. I slipped my hand inside and found the smooth, rock hard length of his cock. I stroked the length of him, unable to help myself. I couldn’t help myself around this man. Somehow making him feel this good felt like I was making myself feel the same.
My Vicious Demise (Demise #2) Page 14