Another sense of relief fell over me. Making a choice was half the battle. There was still so much I was afraid of. Our pasts weren’t quite gone yet, but I knew we’d either figure these things out together, or not at all, and as long as we didn’t look back at what we hadn’t had, then perhaps we could hope for what we wanted later.
James brought my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it. “Thank you,” he said.
Nodding, I let him lead me to the front door. It was elaborate, as front doors go. High-reaching doors, glass encasings, white and light and money. He tried the handle, found it unlocked, and opened it, pulling me inside an actual foyer. A foyer! There was a winding staircase, a door that looked like it led into an impressive living room, and another wide arched doorway beyond the foyer. That was what James picked, turning sharply down a short hallway and then to a side glass door that opened up into a small garden. Nothing was growing, but I could detect that at one point it had been full of life.
We took a stone walkway that wound around the side of the house. Past the path was a huge backyard with a swimming pool, a lounge area, grills, and a tennis court. The lawn was muddy, but I imagined in the summer this place was gorgeous. James paid no attention. He was focused on a spot beyond the trees. I could spot movement, people, and a blue shimmer of water.
“You’re such a pig,” a sweet voice said. “I honestly don’t even know why I bother half the time.”
My heart squeezed. Raina. My Rain.
“What about the other half?” Kent asked, clearly amused.
“I practice breathing techniques and self-control.”
The sound of her voice was ripping my soul apart. How had I lasted this long without it? The holes she left when she eloped were already closing. I tugged on James’s hand and pulled him through the opening that resided between the trees.
Standing on the dock a few feet beyond the property stood my baby sister and her husband. She was wearing a pale pink bikini. For a moment I was aggravated by her attire. Too short, too sexy, too everything I didn’t want her to be. Then I really looked at her, not as my sister but the woman she was. Long golden blonde hair, a jealousy-inducing curvy body, and hazel eyes that twinkled in the sunlight. Raina was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever met. I’d always known that to be true, but seeing her as a woman instead of my fragile baby sister, as my child, made it painfully apparent that she had grown up under my nose. She wasn’t someone who relied on me for everything anymore, and that was a pill I would have to learn to swallow.
“How’s that working for you?” Kent asked, pushing his blond hair out of his face. He was crouched on the ground, his hands moving a thick bundle of ropes that were attached to a boat. A boat! ‘The Nich’ was written on the side as it bobbed in the calm blue waters.
“It doesn’t.” Raina put her hands on her hips. “I just accepted a long time ago that I fell in love with a pig and since I made my own bed, I guess I’ll roll around in the mud with you.”
Kent looked up at her. “You seriously want to use that smart mouth on me right now?”
Raina grinned, a look in her eyes I didn’t care for. “How many times do we have to establish this, honey? I’m not afraid of you. You’re really not that scary.”
I hadn’t realized I’d stopped until James nudged me forward. I was staring at the two of them in shock. They looked so…happy. Playful, smiling, clearly appreciative of each other’s presence. It struck me to my core. I wanted that with James. I wanted to smile at him and know he’d been the one to put the smile there. I looked back at him to find he was shooing me forward.
“Becca?” Raina’s sweet voice held all of the pain and shock I felt. “Becca!” she screamed.
I turned to watch her break into a full out run. I had just enough time to open my arms before she was in them. She jumped up and wrapped her body around mine, hugging me the same way she’d hugged me since she was a baby. She squeezed me back as hard as I squeezed her. Hard, painful, and with the promise of never letting go again.
“What are you doing here?” Her question was muffled by my hair, but I could still hear the tears in her voice.
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. My sister wasn’t used to me breaking down. I was her strength. I held us both up. To fall in front of her would make me want to crumble in mortification. Instead I inhaled the smell of apricots on her hair and relished the feeling of her arms around me. Eventually, however, she wanted down.
She stared up at me, giving me a dazzling smile. Her eyes shone with tears and the only thing I saw in her gaze was relief. Pure, honest, relief. No anger or even resentment. She hadn’t chosen Kent over me. She’d just chosen her future.
“I’m sorry, Rain. Of course I choose you. Of—”
“Don’t,” she begged. “Don’t. You have nothing to be sorry for. You were trying to protect me. I shouldn’t have made you choose. I’ve been driving myself crazy about this. If you did that to me I would have…” She shook her head, unable to even fathom the strength of her hurt if I chose a man over her. “That wasn’t fair of me. I—”
It was my turn to cut her off. I was near my limit. Seven months without her was long enough. My eyes were burning and my throat felt thick. “I have a lot to be sorry for. Now let me apologize.”
“Becca, don’t.” Kent’s order made her head whip toward him. He looked uncharacteristically reticent. “You don’t have to apologize. Rain doesn’t want it. We got married, and I’m sorry you don’t agree with that, but you both made your point. No one’s right because no one’s wrong.”
Why won’t they let me apologize?
As if sensing my distress Rain wrapped her arms around me once more. She buried her face in my shoulder and bawled against me. Shit. I wasn’t going to be able to hold it in anymore. I’d wanted this for too long. I searched for James. He was staring out at the water with his arms crossed over his chest, breathing evenly in and out. His presence, so comforting and solid, was the only thing that calmed me down.
“Fine,” I whispered. “No apology.” Even if I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know. “But how about a promise?”
She hiccupped, crying the way Rain always did, all-out and snotty. “I thought you were never coming back.”
Uh-oh. Rain was crossing over to the dark side. She had a tendency to break down in a way most did not. It was probably freeing for her to let her emotions go and to not fear them. I kept mine in, and now they were trying to claw their ways out. “Deep breaths, Rain.”
“I kept replaying our conversation over and over in my head.”
“Rain, baby, calm down,” Kent soothed, trying to extract her from my grip.
“I kept dreaming of that one night when we were really little. I was hungry, Becca. Mom and dad were gone and we were so scared. I remember being so afraid. But you hugged me and promised you would make it better.” She lost it, cracking wide open, which in turn made me lose it too. My dam busted. “That was the first time in my life where I realized I couldn’t rely on them, but I could always rely on you. And I left you!”
Kent looked lost. If I didn’t do something right now we’d have to scrape my sister up off the ground.
“You didn’t leave me. You just found someone else you loved. It was unfair of me to put that kind of pressure on you. This is my fault. Not yours.”
“All I could worry about was the fact that I would never have that support again. I’m sorry,” she blubbered, not listening.
“Raina!” I snapped. I peeled her off of me and grabbed her arms, holding her in place. Looking right in her eyes, I stopped this once and for all. “What do you want? Tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you.”
“I want…I want…” She glanced at Kent and at me. “I want you and I want Kent. I want to know that you’re both here forever, and no matter what I do, you will never leave me.” And then she unleashed it on me. Her pouty face could stop traffic. All jutted lip and wide, pleading eyes. “I want you both. Forever,” she insisted
defiantly, as if something in her head told her she couldn’t have that.
Kent looked down. I knew what that look meant. She had him. Now all she needed was me.
I wiped her tears away and nodded. “Then that’s what you’ll get. Me and Kent. Forever. I won’t apologize and you won’t either. Because Rain, these last seven months have been hell without you and I just want to forget them. We’ll forget it happened.” We’ll forget I failed you.
She sniffled, still young beneath her age. “Already forgotten.” She smiled hopefully. “You never cry.”
I shrugged and stepped back, lifting my shirt to dry my eyes. “Apparently it’s my new pastime.”
She frowned, reaching over to use Kent’s shirt to wipe her own tears. “Because of me?”
“Here,” he offered, and pulled it off and handed it to her.
“Thanks,” she mumbled, wiping her face down and removing the mascara that had smeared around her eyes.
Because of you. Because of me. Because my past caught up with me. Because I’m in love with someone who reminds me of everything I never had and could lose. Because I have to let my past go and be someone I don’t know. “Yeah, Rain.”
Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Becca, but now that I’m getting a better look at you, you look like a wreck. That can’t all be because of me.”
“Why not?”
“You look different.” She stepped closer, looking deep into my eyes. “I can’t figure out why.”
“Let me see your ring,” I demanded, hoping to distract her.
It worked.
She held her small hand out and the diamond on her finger caught the sun. “I know it’s big, but Kent,” she snarled, “wouldn’t let me in when he bought it. Now he has to get another job to pay for it since he doesn’t want his dad to do it.”
I gawked at the princess cut diamond the color of nothing on her finger. It shimmered in the sun. “How many carets is that?”
“Four,” she mumbled, her pinks staining red. She rolled her eyes and met mine briefly. “Honestly, Becca. What do I look like with a ring this big?”
Beside her Kent grinned proudly.
“You look loved,” I assured her, in a generous kind of mood. She looked spoiled, actually. The idea that Kent would spoil her chased away some more doubts about him. Raina deserved to be spoiled. Buying a girl a four caret diamond ring really didn’t mean anything at all, because rings didn’t constitute love, but it damn sure helped his case. “And slightly ridiculous,” I added, finally smiling.
She huffed in annoyance and glared at him. “Told you.”
Kent chuckled and leaned forward, kissing her lips softly. “Looking loved is all that matters to me.”
She swallowed hard, drawn to the damn man like a moth to a flame. She kissed him back, and soon they were full-on making out. I shook my head and let them be, even if I wanted to rip them apart and toss Kent in the water. They were adults. Married adults, who unfortunately could do what they wanted. Still, my stomach turned.
James gave me a knowing look. “Try living with them,” he said. He grabbed my hand and pulled me in front of him. He then wrapped his arms around me from behind and rested his chin on my shoulder. The feeling of him holding me was exactly what I needed. Making up with Rain healed some holes, but I still had quite a few left, holes that had nothing to do with her, that continued to bleed. “I’m proud of you,” he whispered, kissing behind my ear. “Do you feel better?”
I shook my head yes.
I stared out at the water. The sun shone through the clouds, but over the bay the sky looked gray. The water was blue and the horizon bluer. It looked beautiful. ‘The Nich’ wasn’t the only boat stationed in the bay. Larger ones bobbed in the water, swaying slightly.
I didn’t realize that Rain and Kent weren’t kissing anymore until I heard their quiet argument.
“You know?” she demanded.
“I knew, but I didn’t know.”
“Well,” Rain said quietly. “That’s…interesting.”
It wasn’t until James tightened his grip that I understood they were talking about us. I refused to look over. James and I hadn’t even fully embraced this new, strange, terrifying, soul-sucking, my-new-reason-to-live relationship yet.
Raina came to stand in front of me. Her eyes weren’t angry as much as annoyed. “I think we should talk, Rebecca.”
Uh-oh. Full name and all. “What about?” I feigned ignorance.
She looked at James behind me. “Oh, I don’t know, maybe the fact that you’re all hugged up with James Rush and I’m only now hearing about the fact that you’ve been living with him all this time. Don’t touch me!” she snapped when Kent reached for her. “You knew she’s been there the entire time and you didn’t tell me?”
“I didn’t know if she’d stick around. I didn’t want to hurt you if she left again.”
“You could have told me!”
“What are they talking about?” James whispered, kissing my earlobe.
Even now his lips made me weak. I shrugged against him.
He chuckled in my ear. “Are you afraid she’ll forbid our relationship?”
Relationship? That Rain would forbid me made me laugh. I shook my head.
He said, “As long as we don’t elope I think she’ll deal with it. I know how much you despise those who elope.”
I turned around in his arms to glare, but his wide grin caught me off guard. James smiled rarely, and when he did I just wanted to stand right where I was and soak it up. But Rain had other plans, having no appreciation, I noticed, for rare beautiful things.
She grabbed my arm and tugged. “Let’s go, Rebecca. Now,” she demanded, much the fireball.
I knew the moment I left James my ground would shake. So far the only time it was stable was when I could see him, touch him, and know he wasn’t a figment of my own imagination. When Rain pulled on me I panicked. She didn’t understand. My world was still falling down around me. One step in the wrong direction and it would crumble.
“No.” I dug my feet into the ground, my voice trembling.
She frowned at me. “I just want to talk.”
“Talk here.” My breathing had deepened. I didn’t care how I looked, that I had come to rely on a man more than I relied on myself, or that Raina and Kent were looking at me like they didn’t know who I was. I was not leaving.
Ever.
“What’s going on?” James asked, stepping out from behind me to see my face.
He didn’t frown. He didn’t look at me funny. All he did was nod once, showing me he understood, because I had a feeling James was falling apart also and it wasn’t because we loved each other, it was because someone else hadn’t. He had secrets and I had memories. These things didn’t care that we had each other. All they wanted was our demise.
“Becca,” Raina said softly. “What’s going on with you? You look wrong.”
I couldn’t breathe. I would not cry. I would not succumb to this destruction now. Why now that I had Rain back? Why now?
The answer hit me hard.
Now was the time to move on. I was Raina’s sister, not her mother. I was twenty-three now, not a parentless, frightened child. I’d been strong, now I could heal. I’d never been loved, now I had to love harder than anyone had loved me. I thought I knew who I was, now I had to be a brand new person.
I had no choice but to start over.
My tears blurred my sight.
My stomach felt queasy.
I fell to my knees in the muddy bank and watched the calm water move in and out of focus.
I had to let my past go or it would ruin everything I ever did.
So I forgave my father. I forgave my mother. I forgave myself.
I let it go, because I had held on long enough.
Chapter Eighteen
James
I stroked Becca’s head, running my fingers through her hair over and over again until I moved unthinkingly.
&nb
sp; I’d managed to get her upstairs into Kent’s bedroom before she seemed to give up. Her body had untightened, making her heavy. Her eyes had bled her tears; my shirt was still wet from holding her while she cried. But it was the look in them that made the most sense to me. I felt it too. Like a monster breathing down our backs, one we could either keep fighting or we could admit that we’d fought enough. We were bloody over this battle, and now it was time to call truce. We hadn’t lost, because we didn’t create this fight, but we had to be the ones to end it.
That was terrifying.
Who would we be without our pasts? Who we were now was rooted inside of who we had to be in order to survive. Maybe it wasn’t about figuring out who we were all at once. We could do it gradually, figure out the equation to this problem together one day at a time. It didn’t feel nearly as terrifying when I thought of it that way.
The door opened suddenly. Raina came in, dressed in a tank top and jean shorts. Her eyes were still wide.
“What’s wrong with her?” she signed, her delicate hands awkwardly forming each word.
I looked into her worried eyes. “Pasts have a way of coming back right when you think they’re gone.”
Painful understanding shadowed her face. She folded herself on Kent’s bed and stroked Becca’s leg, appearing to lose herself in her own thoughts. After a long time of silence, Raina caught my attention. She pointed at her sister and then at me and then made the sign for “date.” She made one D with each hand with her index fingers pointing straight. She touched the rest of her fingers together and said the word “dating” with her lips.
I looked down at Becca’s sleeping face. Her head was in my lap. In sleep she’d found my waist, hugging herself to me. It felt satisfying knowing she wanted to hold on to me, even while she was unconscious. But it also brought forth the one thing in my way. She was starting to demand answers I didn’t want to give her. If Becca found out I was impossible to love, would it alter what she already felt?
My Vicious Demise (Demise #2) Page 28