by T. L. Haddix
“Emma is pregnant? Your sister Emma?”
“Yes.” John blinked at her. “Are you okay?”
Zanny nodded. “How?”
His lips actually quirked for an instant, and Zanny felt her cheeks flush. “I know how. I meant how did Emma end up pregnant? I know she was seeing someone, but…Is he with her?”
“No. He’s apparently back in Georgia, newly married to someone else.” John sat down on the coffee table in front of her. “He knows about the baby, and he still married the other woman.”
Zanny’s heart sank. “Oh, John. Poor Emma. What’s she going to do?”
He took her hands and laced their fingers together, kissing one and then the other. “I don’t know. She’s moving back here. Has moved back here, I suppose you could say. As much as she tried to pretend she’s got everything together, I got the impression she’s reeling. I think she’ll need all the support the family can give her.” His cheeks flushed. “I didn’t react very well when I realized she’s pregnant,” he admitted.
“Too soon.”
He nodded, and Zanny untangled their fingers. She lifted her hand and cupped his face softly. The caress was the most intimately she’d touched him in what felt like forever.
“Will you sleep in the bedroom with me tonight?” Zanny felt his surprise as much as saw it. “I need to hold you, to be held.”
“Of course.”
Zanny went on to the bedroom while he shut down the house for the night. She was nervous, which she thought was ridiculous. It wasn’t as if they hadn’t shared the bed thousands of nights before. And they wouldn’t be intimate. Even if she’d wanted to, it wasn’t physically possible until she healed. But she was nervous.
By the time John came in after checking in on the boys again, Zanny was resting on her side of the bed. He left the light on while he undressed, and Zanny didn’t bother hiding her curiosity. She felt as if she were seeing him naked for the first time again. He left his shorts on and climbed into bed behind her.
“I’ll get the light.” He reached across her to turn off the lamp, then very carefully pulled her in so that her back curved into his front. The night was early still, only just nine o’clock, but with the curtains drawn, the bedroom was dark and cozy.
Zanny didn’t go to sleep immediately, but lay there thinking about everything. John rubbed her back through her gown for a few minutes, then raised the hem.
“I want to get at your back a little better.”
She moved so that he could lift the gown, and sighed with pleasure when his hands made contact with the skin of her back. Though he’d been rubbing her back all week, feeling his hands on her bare skin made her feel special.
“That feels good.”
“I’ve missed this.” His voice was so low that even in the quiet room, Zanny had trouble hearing him.
“You’ve only been gone a couple of weeks.”
“I missed sharing a bed with you as soon as I walked out the door.” He brushed her hair back, exposing her neck, and nuzzled her there. Zanny shivered and moved her head so that he had better access. John took advantage and leisurely feathered kisses from her shoulder up to her jaw. She could feel him becoming aroused, but he stopped kissing her and buried his face in the curve of her neck.
“I’m sorry.” He flattened his hand carefully against her pelvis. “I feel like this was my fault.”
“No,” was all she said, all she could manage. She slid her hand over his, holding on tightly. Their wedding rings clicked when they made contact, a subtle reminder of their connection. She felt a hot wetness against her neck, and John tightened his arm, pulling her so close, she could feel the shudders running through him as he wept silently.
Zanny didn’t try to comfort him. She knew nothing she could say or do would make it better. Only time could do that.
Chapter Thirty-Three
John felt some of his worry lift when Zanny felt well enough to go to Sunday dinner at his parents’ house. She’d nixed the idea of attending church, still not up to that level of public scrutiny, but she seemed eager to see the family.
“I want to get Emma alone and talk to her,” she told him as they made the fifteen-minute drive from their house. “We have a lot to discuss.”
Ben was already there by the time they pulled up, and John smiled when he saw Rachel’s car, as well. She was enrolled in school in Lexington, halfway through an advanced degree in regional history—a love she shared with Owen. She hadn’t been home in a couple of months.
“Looks like a full house,” he told Zanny with a smile.
“That it does.”
They were halfway to the door when it opened, and Amelia ran out, screaming and laughing, with Ben in fast pursuit. She dashed behind John, using him as a shield. Ben skidded to a stop next to Zanny, his eyes lit with determination.
“Give it back.”
“I don’t have it,” Amelia laughed breathlessly. “I told you that.”
John exchanged a look with Zanny, who shrugged. “What’s going on?”
“She has something of mine, and I want it back.” Ben glanced down at Zanny and smiled. “Hey, gorgeous.” Noah ran over and tugged on his pant legs, and Ben picked him up.
Zanny goosed him. “Hey, back. Aren’t you too old to be chasing your sister like this?”
His grin widened. “Nope. Now, give it back, Pip.” He narrowed his eyes at Amelia, who sighed and rested her head against John’s back.
“Make him stop. I don’t have it.”
“What are you missing?” Zanny asked.
“My wallet. The discussion came up a little while ago about what we all keep in our wallets, and she took mine.”
John saw Emma walk out on the porch, tapping something against her leg. From the evil grin on her face, he figured it was the missing wallet.
“Oh, Benjamin. You seem awfully anxious to get this back for some reason.” She rested her arms on the railing and opened the wallet. “Why is that?”
“Shit. Em, give it over.” Ben sat Noah on his feet and slowly approached the porch. He held out his hand, and from the look on his face, John knew he was getting close to losing his temper for real. “I don’t go through your purse. Show me some respect.”
Zanny’s laugh came on so fast that she snorted. That softened Ben’s expression somewhat, but he turned serious again when he looked back at Emma. If Sarah hadn’t stepped onto the porch at that moment and deftly snatched the wallet from Emma, John felt he would have been between his siblings, trying to prevent bloodshed.
“Children, I swear, you are not too big for me to send you all to your rooms.” She tossed Ben the wallet, and he thumbed through it with haste before sliding it into his front pocket.
Emma stuck her tongue out at him. “Mama’s boy.” She sauntered down the steps past him, her nose stuck in the air. The playful tone didn’t last long, though, as she made a beeline for Zanny. The two women embraced, and John had to look away.
“Come on, boys, let’s go find Aunt Rachel,” he said.
“She’s in the studio with your father,” Sarah told him as she ushered them all inside.
John glanced back at Zanny and Emma, who were still hugging. “They’ll be a while.”
“Probably.” Ben scooped up Eli and lifted him over his head, making the toddler shriek with delight. “Maybe Zanny can keep her out of trouble. Somebody needs to.”
Noah raced down the hall toward the kitchen, and Sarah followed, leaving the brothers alone in the foyer.
“So what’s in your wallet that you don’t want anyone to see?”
Ben scowled. “Nothing you need to worry about.”
John’s curiosity was aroused, but he didn’t push. “Well, you’d better keep it under lock and key, because the first chance Emma gets, she’ll h
ave it.”
“I know.” Ben sighed. “If I ever have kids, they’re going to be boys. Girls are way too much trouble.” He grimaced and apologized. “I didn’t think. I’m sorry.”
John wasn’t offended. “Once you start having kids, you let me know how that works out for you. I seem to recall a ‘discussion’ Mom and Dad had when we were teenagers about how we were all supposed to be boys because he’d warned her how much trouble girls were. I think that was right after Rachel’s science project ran us all out of the house in the middle of the night in January, and we had to camp out in the studio for two days until the stench cleared. Unless you adopt, I don’t think you get a choice.”
Ben huffed, but he was grinning. “Sounds like a plan to me.”
Seeing Emma and her baby bump didn’t hit Zanny as hard as she’d thought it would. It still stung, but she’d had a few days to prepare for it. After they hugged, they linked arms and started walking.
“Are you up to this?”
Zanny nodded. “I’d like to stretch my legs a bit. You’re glowing, you know.”
Emma laughed. “I always thought that was a myth.”
“Nope. It’s the hormones. It does wonderful things for some women.”
“The last few months have been interesting, I’ll concede that.” Emma’s tone was rueful. “I didn’t plan this. I know the parents have to be freaking out a little.”
“Probably just a little. They’re pretty solid, though.”
“I know.” Emma glanced at her. “I’m sorry about the baby.”
Zanny blinked back tears. “Me, too. But I think it’s for the best. Please don’t tell John I said that,” she rushed to say. “I don’t mean that I didn’t want our child. It’s just that with what we’re going through right now… Please tell me you understand what I’m trying very badly to say.”
“I do.” Emma squeezed her arm. “Oh, I do. When I found out I was pregnant and that the father wasn’t going to be a part of our lives?” She shook her head. “It’s good to be home.”
John had been dead-on accurate when he’d speculated Emma wasn’t dealing with things as well as she pretended to be. Zanny saw that easily enough. “Well, it’s his loss. And if he’s the kind of man who can abandon you and the baby, you’re better off without him.”
Emma blotted her eyes with the back of her fingers. “I know. Intellectually, I know. Still working on the emotional side of that.”
They’d made it to the barn, and as they turned back, Zanny sighed. “Your brother and I have made a mess of things. That’s another reason I’m glad you’re home. I need someone I can eat ice cream with and have a good pity party.”
Emma stopped walking. “I thought things were better.”
Zanny shrugged. “They’re…in stasis. The miscarriage kind of brought negotiations to a screeching halt, I guess you could say.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Thanks. Given how hard this week has been, I haven’t had the heart to tell John things are still broken. I think we made some progress, but not enough. And I’m…I’m struggling to understand why I’m so angry. Even before the baby,” she hurried to say. “I was getting angry, deep inside. As much as I told John he wasn’t happy, that he was the problem. I’m starting to think I’m as much to blame as he is.”
Emma spoke gently. “What are you going to do?”
“I have no fricking idea.” They started walking again. “So what are your plans?”
“Well, I’m a photographer. And best I recall, there is a need for that in Perry County. Didn’t Mr. Sanders retire a couple of years ago?”
“He did. There’s a new place, but I’ve heard people say they just aren’t as family friendly.”
“Hmmm. I have to support myself and the baby. Thing is, I’ll need someone to run the business with me. I hate paperwork and answering phones and all that stuff.” Emma crossed her eyes, causing Zanny to laugh. “I mean it. So how about it?”
“You’re serious? Em, I’ve never worked anywhere other than at the grocery store. I don’t know anything about paperwork and answering phones.”
“Pfft. You could learn it. You run a household with small children, and well. I have little doubt you can handle a business, no problem. And I know you’re a people person. I remember how you cajoled all those truck drivers and coal miners who came into the store for lunch. They adored you. If you can charm that bunch, you can charm anyone.”
Zanny was stunned. “I don’t know.”
“Well, you don’t have to decide immediately. I know it’s been a rough few weeks. I’ll be looking for a house here in the next couple of weeks and a storefront to rent, as well. At least tell me I can kidnap you for that?”
“Absolutely. I’d love to help. And I can put you in touch with the realtor who found our house for us. She’s wonderful.”
Amelia called them in to dinner, and all through the meal, Emma’s offer played over and over in Zanny’s head. After she’d made John leave, she’d toyed with the idea of getting a job. She knew if they were permanently apart, she would have to. Even with him making good money, she wasn’t willing to be completely dependent on alimony and child support. But she’d put aside that idea, knowing it would be pointless to start a job when she’d have to go on maternity leave in a few short months. Without a baby to consider, the idea of getting a job made more sense. The boys were old enough that she felt she could find someone reliable to take care of them during the day and not fret too much.
What she’d told Emma was true. She was growing angry, and she wasn’t sure why. The fog of grief was starting to clear just a bit, so maybe she could figure it out. As gentle and kind as John had been during the past week and as much as Zanny loved him, she wasn’t ready to let him back in just yet.
She couldn’t tell him that without hurting him. She realized that, as well. But she was very much afraid that if she didn’t get a handle on what was going on with herself, it wouldn’t matter if they did reconcile. Her instincts told her that her anger wasn’t just going to go away, and until she dealt with that, she couldn’t move forward with the marriage—no matter how much she wanted to.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Zanny had a follow-up appointment the next day with her doctor. Emma drove her and kept the boys occupied in the waiting room when Zanny was called back.
“Everything looks good,” her doctor assured her. “I’d wait at least a couple of months before you and John try again, but there’s no reason you can’t after that.”
“Actually, that’s something I wanted to ask you. I want you to put me back on the pill.” She’d taken it between Noah and Eli, and then after Eli was born, she and John had just used condoms and foam. Eli had been the result of the interference from a round of antibiotics, and the other options had just seemed easier at the time. However, Zanny didn’t want to take any chance of getting pregnant again—not until she was ready.
“I understand.” He wrote the prescription and handed it to her, along with instructions on when to start the first round. “It will take about a month before they become effective once you start taking them, so keep that in mind. And, of course, you know about the antibiotic rule.”
“Eli reminds me of that every day, but in a good way,” she assured him with a smile. “Thanks.”
After they left the doctor’s office, Emma took them to lunch across the street. “I called the real estate lady this morning. She’s going to pull some things together for me and touch base in a couple of days.”
“Are you going to buy a house?”
“Depends on what I can find. If the right house comes along? Sure.” When Zanny sent her a speculative look, Emma blushed. “What?”
Zanny tapped her fingers against the table, trying to figure out how to ask what she wanted to know. “I’m just going to be blunt. Do yo
u have the money to do that? Just buy a house? I know that’s none of my business.”
Instead of brushing off the question or laughing, Emma squirmed in her seat. She glanced at the boys, and when she saw they were both occupied with their food, she leaned forward. “That’s a little complicated. We’d better discuss it later, when we don’t have an audience.”
“Okay.” Zanny changed the subject. Lunch went by quickly, and as they drove back to the house, she realized how much she’d missed Emma. “Have I mentioned in the last five minutes that I’m glad you’re home?”
Emma grinned at her. “No. I was starting to wonder if you’d changed your mind.”
“Not a chance.”
The boys were ready for their nap by the time they got home. Zanny asked Emma to wait while she put them to bed. When she came back downstairs, she found Emma studying the pictures lined up in frames across the fireplace mantel.
“You all photograph so well. I seriously want to get you in front of a camera. Think John would pose for me?”
Arms crossed, Zanny stopped beside her. “I don’t know. That’s going to depend on how well tonight goes. And that’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”
“You have my attention.”
“He’s coming back here after work. I’m going to tell him that he needs to go back to the farm for a while. I don’t know how he’s going to take it.”
“Oh, honey.”
“I don’t want to hurt him, Em, but this is not working for me.”
Emma sat down and stretched out her legs with a groan. “He’s going to take it personally. He may even yell. And there’s no way he’s not going to be heartbroken.”
“I know. It might push him over the edge. He may decide I’m more trouble than I’m worth and wash his hands of me and our marriage.”