“I freaked out a little. A few weeks ago something upset me quite badly, and I panicked a bit. I started feeling a little like I did that day, and it made me flash back.”
“You want to talk about it?” he asked, concern all over his face.
“Not really. I’ll get over it. Telling you about it will just make me feel worse right now,” I explained, hoping he wouldn’t push it. I already felt like a freak about what was happening; I didn’t need him to know how much of one I really was.
“All right, no worries. We don’t have to talk about it. Just know that if you want to I’m here to help in any way I can.”
“Thanks.”
“So you want to dance some more or go home?” he asked, still looking concerned.
“Well, I don’t really want to go home, but maybe we can do something quieter. You want to check out the boardwalk?” I asked.
He nodded in agreement, so we left the club and headed toward the beach. As we went farther up the boardwalk, the noise from the clubs diminished, and the sound of the waves crashing near the shore enveloped us. It was a gorgeous night, cloudless with an almost full moon. A light breeze rustled the palm trees and gave me a chill.
“I’m sorry I don’t have a jacket; otherwise I would offer it to you.”
“Don’t worry. Who takes a jacket dancing? Plus I should know better than to dress like this when the weather is cold,” I said with a laugh.
“Well, I appreciate the sacrifice. You look great,” he said and caught my gaze. I was glad it was dark when the flush crept up to my cheeks, though it actually helped with the cold.
He moved so that he was walking closer to me and said, “I’d be happy to wrap my arm around you, but that seems a bit more self-serving than useful to you.” He was smiling wickedly, and it made me laugh.
“It could be useful.”
He stepped even closer and put his arm around me, rubbing mine with his hand. “Better?”
“Loads.” Having him hold me like that had me wishing the breeze was cooler. I thought I would start sweating from the rush he gave me.
We wandered up the boardwalk, huddling close and not saying a word. After a while we stopped and leaned on the railing to look out toward the water. From this distance we could see the reflection of light on the foam as the water hit shore.
I turned toward him to make some random comment, but I forgot what it was the second he looked at me. His eyes were so clear, shimmering the way a true gemstone would in the dimness. I just stared at him for a moment, our gazes locked. A soft breeze blew stray hair in my eye, and I reached to push it back just as he did the same. Our hands touched, and I suddenly felt a rush of energy again, like I could run all night. We were stuck for a second, his fingers on mine, just staring at each other. I wondered if he might kiss me, it would be the first time anyone ever had. Instead he blinked and said, “We should probably head back, it’s late.”
I just nodded as he took hold of my hand and led me back down the boardwalk. We walked silently, and I was in too good a mood to wonder why he hadn’t tried to kiss me. After we said goodnight though, it was the only thing I could think about. If it hadn’t been so late I would have texted Lizzie. I decided to call her in the morning.
“I’m such a dork, Lizzie!” Those were my first words as she picked up the phone.
“Well, I already knew that, but what reminded you now?” she teased.
“I met a guy on New Year’s, we’ve been hanging out all week. Last night we went dancing and I almost had a panic attack, and we had to leave!” I moaned.
“Wait, what? Start again. You met a guy?”
I realized I needed to slow down and explain it from the beginning. I started by telling her about New Year’s Eve and how I met Ben.
“Wow, this is big Atty. I’ve never even heard you mention that you had a crush on a guy. You’ve never even been out on a date before unless you count the time I set you up with my second cousin so we could go to the prom. And now you meet what sounds like a perfect specimen, and you’ve been together all week? Wow, that’s awesome,” she said.
She was right. I’d never had a real crush on anyone. Not because I hadn’t seen anyone interesting but rather because I didn’t like lingering on things I couldn’t have. And I had never met a boy who wanted me to have him.
“I know, but then I totally freaked out, and I think I scared him and that’s probably why he didn’t kiss me last night. I totally wrecked it!”
At that Lizzie laughed. “You’re being overly dramatic, Atty. I’m sure it’s fine. You said he went walking with you after, right? If he was totally freaked out, he would have taken you home right away.”
“I know, but still. It was such a perfect moment. I can’t imagine why he didn’t kiss me then. We were right there, face to face, moonlight, waves, everything.”
“Maybe he thought it wasn’t really the right time. Maybe he’s old-fashioned or something and wanted to give it more time.”
“Right,” I said sarcastically. “Guys are so chivalrous nowadays.”
“We can dream,” she said as we both started to laugh.
“Seriously, Atty, don’t worry so much. Maybe it’ll happen tonight. He’s leaving soon, right?”
“Yes, the day after tomorrow. If school wasn’t starting next week, I think I’d spend all day moping that he’s gone.”
“Well, maybe that’s why he didn’t kiss you. Maybe he doesn’t want to start anything when he’s going so far away.”
“That’s so depressing, Lizzie.”
“I know, but it’s still chivalrous, right?” She was trying to cheer me up.
“I guess.”
Ben called later to see if I wanted to do something and of course I said yes. We spent our last couple of days together visiting tourist spots like the aquarium and the zoo. We even visited the train museum. It’s a run-down old lot that houses out-of-commission trains. Most people would say that it’s a dump, but I find it fascinating. When you walk into one of those trains, it feels like you’ve been transported back in time or like if you’re starring in an old movie and a ghost is going to pop in at any second. Ben laughed when I told him that, but he said he agreed. He said the trains even smelled like the past.
“I hope that doesn’t mean I’m walking you through a stinky lot,” I teased.
He smiled and, with an expression I couldn’t decipher, said, “Not at all. I love how they smell. It makes me feel like I’m in another era.”
By the weekend our time was up. I drove him to the airport after following him to drop off his rental car. He didn’t want me to hang out at the airport for hours so I didn’t park. I drove up to the curve by his terminal, and we both got out of the car. He took his suitcase out of my trunk as I stood next to him and watched. We stared at each other for a moment, but there wasn’t much time. The cars on the curb couldn’t stay parked there. I was disappointed he didn’t try to kiss me. He simply squeezed my hand as he said goodbye.
“I had a great time, Atty. I’m going to miss you.”
“I’ll miss you, too,” I said.
“I’ve got your email, you’ll hear from me soon.”
“Sure,” I replied, pretty sure I wouldn’t.
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
I got back in my car and drove away, but I couldn’t help peeking in my rearview mirror as I left. He just stood there staring as I got farther away. I hoped that meant he really would miss me, because I would certainly miss him.
I was glad that school started on Monday, and I would have plenty to keep me occupied. He said he’d email me and suggested we could talk over the Internet. I agreed but knew he’d probably forget the second he got home. Seriously, why would a guy like him bother to stay long-distance friends with someone like me? He was a beautiful, exotic man, and I was a complete nerd. I didn’t think it was going to happen.
Chapter 6
On Monday, I was sitting in a crowded auditorium listening to my history prof
essor make his introductions when my heart made an erratic thump. I hoped it wasn’t the beginning of another panic attack. I hadn’t had one since that night with Ben. Then I thought of something else: Luz De la Paz. I couldn’t believe how easily I had forgotten. Being with Ben had driven any thought of her out of my mind. I wasn’t sure whether that was good.
I tried doing another Internet search that night but again I didn’t get far. I just didn’t know what to look for. I decided I’d start calling back the people who didn’t answer before. I only got about halfway down the list when Nana called me for dinner. After that I didn’t want to call. Who knew if some of these people were the type to go to bed early?
The next afternoon I was about to start making calls but decided to check my email first. My heart jumped in a good way when I saw I had a message from Ben. If you want to know the future, be online at 6 p.m. That’s all it said. Obviously, I was intrigued. Not so much about the future but more about what he would say. I rushed through the reading I had for homework—luckily there was no real homework yet—but I went too fast and still had half an hour to go before six. I went downstairs thinking to get a snack but decided I was too anxious. I went back to my room and busied myself deleting spam from my inbox.
At six o’clock I logged in to chat. I didn’t have to wait long.
Ben: You’re there!
Me: Of course. Who could refuse free fortune telling? It is free, right? LOL
Ben: Yup.
Me: So what have you got to tell me?
Ben: Tomorrow morning you will be chatting online with me.
Me: Huh? Are we not going to chat now?
Ben: LOL, sorry. It’s morning here, and it’s tomorrow. To you anyway.
Me: Right. LOL.
Me: How was your trip back?
Ben: Good. Long! It’s nice to be off that plane.
Me: I bet.
Ben: You all recovered from the sightseeing? I’m sure I bored you half out of your mind.
Me: Not at all. It was fun. I hadn’t been to most of those places in years. It was neat seeing them now that I’m not a kid.
Ben: I know what you mean. Things always look different when you’re older. I hope it didn’t take away any of their magic.
Me: Don’t worry, it wasn’t like if we were visiting Disney World, LOL.
Ben: We’ll have to do that next time I’m in town. And by town I mean the States. I don’t know when I’ll get a chance to go back to Miami.
That made me a bit sad, but at least we were chatting. It was more than I would have expected from him.
Me: Well, maybe we can meet in the middle somewhere. But only if by middle you mean Fort Lauderdale, LOL.
Ben: Will do.
We chatted for a long time. I didn’t even realize how late it had gotten. I’d been having fun talking to him again. I was so happy he had remembered me that I went to bed a little giddy. I didn’t get to make the De la Paz phone calls, but I figured it could wait till another day.
I chatted with Ben every night that week. After the second night of chatting and no calling, I decided I should probably make the calls before he came online. I didn’t want to turn into the type of girl who ignored the world just because a boy she liked was talking to her.
I managed to get through the list, calling a couple people each day. I had to leave messages for most of them again.
Days went by and I didn’t get any responses. I didn’t worry about it much because I was getting busy with schoolwork. I hoped that maybe something would click like it did when I heard that De la Paz could be a name. Then I would figure something out. In the meantime I kept myself busy with schoolwork and Ben.
He was so easy to talk to. He kept me chatting for hours every night. I asked him once if there wasn’t something else he should be doing, and he said there was nothing more interesting to him than talking to me. That made me feel amazing, but I figured his dad must be too busy to care whether he got a real job. Or maybe they just had a lot of money and it didn’t matter. I didn’t feel it was polite to ask something like that.
A couple of weeks after the semester started I got a phone call. A young woman said that she had heard my message on her grandmother’s machine. Her grandmother had been in the hospital and had asked her to get some things from her house. The woman told me that she thought she remembered having a great aunt named Luz, but she couldn’t be sure. She said that her grandmother was a bit senile and couldn’t help her with the names. “You could try checking the Social Security records,” she told me. “A friend of mine has done that in her genealogy searches.”
I should have thought of that before, but I hadn’t realized it was possible. Turned out it was a simple enough thing. One of the top genealogy programs even came with them. Lizzie had always been interested in that stuff, maybe she had the records. I couldn’t believe I still hadn’t had a chance to talk to her about all of this. I decided to give her a call.
I had to start the conversation by telling her about Ben. She had been waiting for more details, and we hadn’t had a chance to talk since school started because she’d been working every day. I had emailed her about our last couple of days together though, so she knew some of what had happened.
“But he didn’t kiss you goodbye? He was leaving for so long!” She sounded almost more upset than I was.
“I know. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Maybe he just needed a tour guide.” For all I knew, I was imagining the romantic part of the relationship. Maybe he just wanted a friend.
“I don’t think so, Atty. Why would he walk into a house and seek you out if he wasn’t interested? I mean, it’s not like if your dancing skill would determine your worthiness as a tour guide!”
“I guess not,” I said. I really hoped she was right.
“Anyway, I have to tell you something about my mom,” I changed the subject since that was why I had called in the first place. Having her analyze his every move wasn’t really going to help me determine his feelings for me, though it was nice to hear her agree with my interpretation. Then again, she was hearing it from me, wasn’t she?
She was quiet for a second. I don’t think she expected this kind of turn in the conversation at all. I never really talked about my mom, so she was probably shocked to hear me bring it up. I told her about the dream and the panic attacks and what Nana had said about my mom, then I explained how I needed the records.
“Yes, I have access to a bunch of records. Let me go to the computer to see if I can find something.” She sounded excited. She knew what a big deal it would be for me to find any information about my mother.
I could hear her typing so I waited without a word. A few seconds later she was scrolling through the information. She was mumbling the names as she went down. “De la Paz you said, right?”
“Yes, Luz.”
“OK, yeah. I see it. It says she died in Miami in 1986.”
“Great! How am I supposed to talk to a dead lady?” I whined.
“Maybe she has relatives,” Lizzie encouraged.
“I’ve already called all the De la Paz’s in the phone book. I didn’t get anywhere,” I reminded her.
“Hold on. It looks like she had a sister. The last names are different.” I heard more quick typing then Lizzie gave me a local phone number. “That’s the number that shows up for her online. You should give it a try.”
The number Lizzie gave me turned out to be the house of Luz’s sister’s grandniece. It had been left to her when her aunt died three years before. The grandniece told me that she had never heard of my mother. She said that Luz had kept to herself and never attended any of the family get-togethers. She did, however, remember the name of the cemetery where Luz was buried. Apparently it was odd because the rest of the family was in a different place.
“That is weird,” Lizzie said when I called her back. “I guess she must have been a true loner if she even wanted to be buried separately. How sad.”
“Any idea what I should do now?”
I asked. I didn’t think there was any chance that I would get answers. I could hear the defeat in my voice, and Lizzie could too.
“Go to the cemetery.”
“What?” I asked, confused.
“Go to the cemetery. You want to find her, right? Who knows, maybe there’s an inscription or something that will help,” Lizzie suggested.
“You’re kidding, right? Why would anyone inscribe their grave with clues for me about my mother?”
“I don’t know, but you should at least try. If nothing else, take the poor woman some flowers. She probably hasn’t gotten any since she was buried.” Lizzie always thinks of things like that. She is a truly kind person.
Chapter 7
I was a bit creeped out by the idea of going to a cemetery. I’d actually never been to one before. No one close to me had ever died, and though a couple of Nana’s friends had, she’d never taken me to the funerals. In any case, I put off going for the rest of the week. I was busy with school, or so I told myself.
What I was really busy with was Ben. When I wasn’t chatting with him, I was thinking about him. I don’t even know how I managed to focus in class sometimes. I had to though, because otherwise I would lose my scholarship. If I didn’t pay attention to the logical sequence of program writing, I was sure to fail my computer class. What the heck was a queue again? Why did they even use that word, why not just say line?
That’s what I complained to Ben about on Friday night. He just laughed, or at least, “LOL.” We mostly used chat because my Internet service sucked. I didn’t like waiting thirty seconds to hear his responses.
Ben: Just make sure not to forget any semicolons.
Me: What?
Ben: Well, I don’t even know what language you’re using now, but back when I studied programming if you missed a semicolon your entire program crashed. It was annoying.
Me: Back when you studied programming? LOL You make it sound like it was years ago.
Ben: Sorry, you’re right. LOL. I guess college seems a long time ago for me now.
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