“Not at all.”
We hung out on the porch awhile after that, but then it began to get too cold. I didn’t want to suck up all of Matt’s time, so I told him I was going to go read. He left, and I retreated to my room. I didn’t see him when I went to eat a bit more for dinner. After that, I just finished the book I’d been reading and fell asleep.
Chapter 25
When Matt picked me up the following afternoon, I was on the verge of tears. I’d been helping Martha with a small parrot, but it had died. I rode silently for a while, staring out the window. I had cried in public too often lately, and I didn’t want to continue the trend. I had hoped that Matt wouldn’t comment on my mood because I knew the second I tried to speak the tears would come, but the drive in that morning had been fun and we’d talked and laughed the whole way. He had to be wondering what was wrong. It took him about three miles to bring it up.
“Atty, I can’t pretend that I know you all that well, but I know that something is wrong. I’m not going to ask what it is, but if you want to talk about it, please know that you can.”
He was just so nice. He wouldn’t force me to talk but maybe it would help. I kept my gaze focused on the scenery outside as I spoke, hoping to keep the tears inside. “I lost a bird today. She was egg bound—the egg she was trying to lay got stuck. Martha was trying to remove the egg, but the bird had a lot of internal damage already. She asked if I could sustain her, but I tried and it didn’t work. Actually, I think I made it worse. The poor thing started convulsing right after I touched her.” That’s where my voice broke, and the flood of tears began.
To my surprise, Matt pulled the car over and stopped. He reached for me and hugged me as I sobbed. After a few minutes, I started to calm down. I took a big breath and slowly pulled back. As I did it, I realized how careful he had been not to touch my hands or any other exposed skin. I wondered if he was worried I would have pulled from him in that state, not knowing what I was doing. I really should work on my emotional control.
“I’m sorry! I’m such a wreck. It was just a bird, not even my pet. I shouldn’t be this upset.”
“You have every right to be upset, Atty. You’ve had a tough time lately. Don’t worry about it.”
“It was just that it reminded me so much of what happened with Nana. It didn’t work on her either.”
“That must have been really horrible, Atty. I can’t even imagine what it would have been like to have that kind of hope and then have it crushed like you did. I’d say you’re doing very well, considering.”
“You’re right. The hope made it worse. I guess you guys are all used to humans dying, but I was so hopeful that I would be able to save her. Like if I were actually in the fairy tale that I felt I was in after Ben told me what I was.”
“Being Durand has never been a fairy tale, Atty, and I don’t know about Ben, but I know I’m not used to humans dying.”
“Oh, Matt, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that. Ben told me about your mother. I guess you’re not really like them in that sense.”
“That sense and many others, but I can’t say I regret having been my mother’s son. She was an amazing person.”
“Tell me about her.” I probably shouldn’t have asked, but I couldn’t help it. I hoped he didn’t mind sharing. I supposed if he did he wouldn’t say anything.
“She was the strongest person I’ve ever known. Raised me all by herself. Most people like us don’t have to work really, or worry about discovery on a regular basis. My mother chose to live separately. She said it was better for me, that it would give me a better perspective on the world.”
“Did it?”
“I think so. But I guess I am biased,” he said, a small smile forming on his face.
“So you grew up far away from anyone like us?”
“Yes. We moved a lot. I’ve been all over the world. No matter where we went, though, she always knew how to make me feel at home. I don’t think I really appreciated it until after she was gone.”
“I know what that feels like,” I replied.
Matt nodded and waited, encouraging me to elaborate without asking me to.
“I always thought I’d have Nana around until I was older. I don’t know why I thought that. She was already older when she started taking care of me. But she was just so good at it. I always imagined what it would be like to have her meet my children. I wanted them to walk into the scent of her cooking and know they were home. I wanted them to feel the warmth of her hugs and know the sound of her laugh. I guess considering what I know now, that was a silly dream anyway. There’s no way she would have been around when I’m old enough to have kids by our standards.”
“I felt the same about my mother,” he responded. “Though I knew she might not make it to meet my children. She had always made sure I understood that she wasn’t like me. That she couldn’t live like I could. I thought that would make her sad, but when she spoke about me living she was always so joyful. I was her main concern, always. She made sure I knew how much more important my life was to her. I wish I could have really grasped that before. I wish I could have known her longer.”
I looked down to hide my tears again and nodded. A car swooshed by next to us, and we both jumped a bit.
“We better get back on the road,” Matt said as he took a deep breath and checked his mirror for more traffic. The road was empty again, so he pulled back on and we kept driving. We rode silently for a while, but as we were nearing the house he mentioned that he had plans to go out with friends that night. He invited me to come along and I agreed. I could use a distraction.
There was no band playing at the pub when we got there. Matt said they only had live music once a week. I recognized Josh and Andrew as we approached their table, but they had a few other friends with them—girl friends. Three of them sat at the table and I wondered if one of them was there for Matt. From the looks all three gave me, it seemed like they were annoyed that I was the one to walk in with him, making it hard to tell if one in particular was waiting for him.
The boys stood up and hugged me when we arrived. “Atty! Matt didn’t tell us you would be honoring us with your presence tonight,” slurred Andrew. He’d obviously already had a few drinks.
“Yeah, I hope you guys don’t mind.”
“You can come any time, Atty, we’ll never mind,” replied Josh, wagging his eyebrows. Matt laughed and punched him in the shoulder before pulling a chair out for me and then sitting next to me.
“Introduce us to your friend, Matt,” said one of the girls. She was blonde and blue-eyed, quite pretty but with a ‘mean girl’ look about her.
“Sorry. Atty, this is Jen,” he said, motioning to the blonde girl. He shifted his attention to the brunette to her right, “and that’s Megan and Tris.” Tris was also a blonde, but it looked more natural than Jen’s hair. “Girls, this is Atty, my brother Ben’s girlfriend.”
The change in their expressions was almost comical. Now that they knew I wasn’t with Matt, they were overly friendly.
“What a lucky girl you are, Atty! Ben’s a catch,” said Jen.
“He sure is,” I agreed with a smile.
“Is he coming later?” she asked, and I wasn’t sure I liked the expectant look on her face.
“No, he’s out of town. Matt’s being nice enough to keep me company. I didn’t want to stay home alone.”
“Aww, that’s so sweet, Matt!” gushed Megan.
Matt smiled and waved to the waiter. “You want something to drink, Atty?”
“Just water.” I wasn’t sure how the night was going to go, but I knew that I wanted to keep my senses without Ben there to get me home. I was surprised when Matt asked for water too. He’d drunk a lot that night with his brothers, but they had said he usually didn’t drink. Maybe it was true.
The next few hours consisted mostly of girls flirting with Matt, and Matt looking like he was a natural woman magnet. He was never crude, always funny and polite, and they flocked to him. A
t some point Josh and Andrew ended up sitting on either side of me, though mostly they tried to pick up conversations with the girls Matt attracted. It wasn’t as if he did it on purpose either. He had gotten up to dance with Jen when she asked him. I got the feeling he was being polite and didn’t want to say no, but then he kept dancing with her for several songs. After that, he danced with two other girls who just strolled up to him. I couldn’t help commenting about it to Josh when he got left out of the conversation Andrew was having with Tris.
“I wouldn’t have guessed from the other night I was out with you guys that Matt was such a ...” I paused for a second trying to think of a word to describe him, but Josh interrupted.
“Toss bag,” he said grumpily.
“What?”
He laughed. “Sorry. Matt’s a great bloke. It’s just hard to compete with someone who looks like that. He gets a lot of attention.”
“He seemed pretty quiet the other day with his brothers. The day you guys played.”
“Yeah, I was hoping he’d stay like that with you here tonight so that Andrew and I could talk to the girls he reeled in, but no luck. I guess he’s only subdued when his brothers are around. Guess he’s not sure how to act with them yet. Maybe he worries they’ll judge him the wrong way.”
“And he doesn’t worry about that with you guys?”
“He doesn’t have to live with us. And he doesn’t have to live up to any expectations. I don’t think he’s certain of what his family expects him to be.”
I thought about that for a bit and wondered what it must have been like for him. He went from always being with his mother to being surrounded by brothers and a father whom he didn’t know. I wondered what it would be like for me if I ever met my mother. It had never occurred to me that perhaps I would be uncomfortable, but how could I not be? I didn’t know her. Maybe we wouldn’t get along like magic just because we were related. I had never really thought of Matt as not getting along with his brothers, though. He had invited them to see him play, and he seemed OK when they were together. But maybe it was just part of him that he showed them. The part he thought they wanted to see.
My thoughts were broken when I felt Matt walking toward me. He shooed Josh from his chair. “Let me know if you want to leave, Atty. I can take you home whenever you want.”
“Thanks, I’m good right now.”
“Well, also let me know if you want to dance. I’d hate to ask and be shot down,” he said with a sly smile, and I couldn’t help laughing.
“Don’t worry. I’m OK. You go have fun.”
He turned right back to his admirers, but instead of dancing again, they went to play darts. I went back to observing him and occasionally talking to Josh. We didn’t get into anything serious again though.
A bit after one o’clock, I realized that I was not feeling very energetic anymore. I hadn’t really eaten much, and the incident with the bird had left me a bit drained. I had been too upset to recharge. I didn’t want to bother Matt, and I noticed Josh also looked tired. “Hey, would it be too horrible of me to ask you for a ride home?”
“Not at all,” he told me and stood up.
“I don’t want Matt to freak out that I’m gone, but I don’t want him to feel bad either. Should I say bye?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll have Andrew tell him I took you home.”
We were almost out the door when Matt rushed toward us. “Where are you going with Atty, Josh?” I guess he didn’t mind interrogating his friends instead of me.
“Home,” he said. It was a perfectly innocent answer, but Matt’s face turned dark and Josh realized how his statement had sounded. I felt bad for him. He didn’t know why he had answered so directly. He continued quickly once he regained his senses, “Your home! She wanted to go home without bothering you, Matt. I’m just giving her a ride home.”
Matt turned to me and said, “No need to worry, Atty, you never bother me. Go back in, Josh. I’ll see you later.”
Once we were in the car, Matt said, “I know you didn’t think you could leave without me feeling it. Sneaking away doesn’t work for us young ’uns.”
“Sorry Matt, I didn’t mean to worry you. You looked like you were having fun, and I didn’t want to interrupt.”
“You didn’t interrupt. I brought you, and it’s my job to get you home safely. Ben would kill me if I left you stranded.”
“I wasn’t stranded. And you didn’t need to worry, I wasn’t going to tell Ben anything.”
“I would have thought that you would tell him we went out.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. If it came up. What I mean is that you didn’t have to worry about staying with your friends; I’m sure Josh could have driven me home safely. Ben wouldn’t have bothered you about it.”
“I didn’t do it just because of Ben.”
I wondered what he meant by that, but didn’t want to get into it. “Well, thanks for the ride anyway.”
“No problem.”
I was feeling the full strength of my exhaustion by the time we got home. I just wanted to get up to my room and go to sleep. I turned to say bye to Matt, but he grabbed my hand.
“You’re drained, Atty. I’m sorry. It’s my fault. Take some from me.” He squeezed my hand as he said it, making sure I knew what he meant. The room felt suddenly warm.
“I’m fine. Don’t worry.”
“Don’t lie, I can feel how tired you are.”
“I’ll be fine, just want to sleep.”
“You’ll regret it in the morning.”
“I’ll go to the stables in the morning. Don’t worry, Matt, I’m good.”
He held on for another few seconds, then dropped my hand. “Must be gratifying.”
“What?”
“Being able to push into someone when they don’t want to accept help. If I were you, I could have just transferred to you before you protested.”
“I wouldn’t have let you.”
“Your shield’s not that good yet,” he said and flashed me a smile before turning back out the door. I supposed he was going back to the pub. I waited until the car had left, then walked out again. He was probably right; I should transfer a bit. I just wasn’t about to do it from him, that would have felt like cheating. I’d never transferred from anyone but Ben, and I couldn’t deny that I liked Matt in a way that wasn’t necessarily just friendly. Transferring from him would have made me feel very uncomfortable. Instead, I decided to go for a quick walk to the stables and get a boost.
The woods near the house were a bit spooky in the dark. I was anxious as I got to the trail toward the stables. I didn’t stop, though, because I knew there was nothing honestly scary out there. I could feel every animal and plant on the way. There wasn’t anything bigger than a cat in those woods.
Approaching the stables I could feel the steady energy of the horses. They were all sleeping in their stalls; nothing was stirring. I was ten feet from the door when I felt something odd. For a split second I thought I felt a pulse of energy coming from beneath the ground inside the building. Some sort of tunneling animal, maybe? But it had felt large, not the size of a mole or whatever animals would roam underground in Australia. It felt almost as big as a person. It had only been a second, though. My judgment could have been off. I was freaking myself out for no reason.
I opened the stable door but jumped back almost two feet. “Emilius!”
Emilius was walking out of the stable just as I was walking in. “I’m sorry, Atty! I should have called out when I felt you coming, but I wasn’t sure what would scare you more.”
I had to take a few deep breaths before I could answer. “I’m all right, don’t worry.”
He motioned for me to come in. “You need energy; I’m sorry, Atty. I hadn’t expected you to come out here at night. I would have told you before that I’m here at odd hours sometimes.”
“No, really. It’s all right. It’s your stable. I was just feeling a bit drained, and I thought I’d come for a moment. This will teach
me to remember that I can’t always feel everything around me. I was getting cocky.”
“That’s a good thought, Atty. Never assume that because you can’t feel someone that there’s no one there. I’ll have to tell Ben to work with you on that. I wouldn’t want anyone other than me catching you by surprise.”
“Yes, thank you. I will keep it in mind from now on.”
“Well, go ahead and get whatever you need from the horses, Atty. I’m going to go to bed. Unless you prefer for me to walk you back to the house. I can wait.”
“No, I’m OK. I assume of all people you would know if it’s safe for me to get back.”
“No one can ever know if it’s safe.”
Something about his tone made my heart beat faster again.
“Don’t worry, Atty, I’ll leave you be. But if I feel anything odd, I’ll come to find you.”
“Thank you,” I said and he left me alone in the stables. Just me, a bunch of horses, and the creepy feeling that perhaps I was never alone.
Chapter 26
I slept in the next morning and spent the afternoon reading and hanging around the house. I didn’t feel strong enough to go back to the reserve, so when Matt called to find out if I needed a ride I told him to stay where he was and not worry. I didn’t ask where that was, but I got the feeling it was with one of the girls from last night.
Ben had called me to say that he would be home around five o’clock. By four forty-five I was pacing with anticipation. I went out to the porch and tried to sit still, but it wasn’t working so I walked down the steps and around to the front of the house. I was trying to decide whether I would look crazy for standing around the front of his house waiting for him when I heard a car coming. I couldn’t feel anyone inside. Then I saw it and Ben waved from the passenger window. One of his brothers was driving. It felt so strange when he had his shield up, but I felt it ebbing away as the car parked. He got out and I ran to him, reaching to kiss him the second he was in my arms.
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