by J. S. Carter
I stopped and looked down at the helpless animal, a patch of red staining its otherwise seemingly pristine coat of browned red fur. Some blood had even managed to get near its end, turning the white into pink. It merely stared at the patch of grass in front of its face in silence, its belly barely moving. I wondered if it was scared. Maybe it was too far gone to even notice anymore.
Chris leaned in over me. “That’s a good shot.”
“Yeah…”
He must have sensed my trepidation. “You’re not the first one to do this, Tess. And you’re sure as hell not gonna be the last.”
I nodded. He was right. It wasn't like I was a vegetarian. I had known all my food had come from somewhere. It was just easier not to think about it. Hell, most animals probably had it a lot worse off than this little fella. It didn’t make me feel any better, though.
Chris tried his best to keep my mind on track. “When do we kill?”
I had to take a moment. His stupid questions made me feel like he was training me to be a serial killer, but it probably would have been a red flag if he had taught me without any guidelines. He used to be a solider, evidently an experienced one at that. I could only guess what he had gone through. I really shouldn't have second guessed his motives. “When there’s no other option.”
He took a knife out of his belt and handed it to me. “How do we kill?”
I grabbed the smooth wooden handle, knelt down, and watched as the sun gleamed off the blade. “As quick as possible.” I put a hand on the deer’s snout, my fingers just hovering above his big, brown, milky eyes surrounded by white circles. I hated the third question. I didn’t think I would ever get it right.
“Why do we kill?”
I moved the tip of the knife above its head, just waiting for the impulse of my arm to send it through the top of its skull. The girl in my dreams would have loved this, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. Where she had found pleasure in taking life away, it had only made me sick to stomach. Experiencing both at the exact same had only made it worse.
“Tess… why do we kill?”
I readjusted the grip on the handle. My fingers were starting to slip.
That’s a good fucking question.
I stabbed the knife into the ground and walked off before Chris could say anything else. I didn’t get very far before I sat down and put my hands over my face, wishing I could press my reality through my eyes and out into oblivion. I didn’t want to be there. I was frustrated. How was I expecting myself to help someone when I couldn’t even help myself? It didn’t make any sense. I was a coward.
I waited for what seemed like too long until Chris found me with a filled duffel bag over his shoulder. We were going to have enough food to last us until the town and then some. I should have watched and learned how he had harvested the meat, but I didn’t want to see his face. I was too embarrassed.
He caught my eye without giving anything up and walked right past me. “Let’s go.”
After a mile or two of hiking through dead grass, I readjusted the straps on my shoulders and ran up to Chris so that I’d be able to walk beside him. I had gotten used to him teaching me tactics or military lingo every second in every minute of the day. The silence was starting to make me nervous. “Are you angry?”
He stared at the horizon for a moment before shaking his head. “No. It was a good shot.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I thought he would know that wasn’t the point. He might not have been expecting me to fight up close, but even if I was shooting from a distance, I’d still be able to see a lot. Using a gun would be the same thing to an extent. It was just more efficient.
He made sure to wait until I was looking at him again. “I’m not worried.”
It was still morning by the time we got back to the outlet mall. I had managed to convince Chris to stay there well beyond what he was comfortable with. In exchange, he had made me clear out every single nook and cranny on the concrete and place traps in front of all the doorways except for a select few. Most of them only made noise, like stepping on broken glass and running into a string of beer bottles, but towards the end he had finally started to teach me the good stuff. Anyone who found themselves stumbling around our place at night was bound to get a nasty surprise.
We split off from each other after we stored the meat in the coolest room we could find. It wasn’t like him to give me any time off, yet I found myself sitting in an empty bumper car with our last can of peaches in my lap and my rifle just to the side. For once it felt good to just sit in the shade and not think about the best way to kill a group of people. He found me not too long into that. I let my legs dangle off to the side as I lifted my chin up at him. “Target practice?”
He waited until he leaned his back against a neighboring car. “No. You’re getting pretty good and I wanna hold on to what we have left.”
We had spent a few days hiking out into the middle of nowhere and fired off a few rounds down range each time. It had been good practice for the both of us and it also had the fortunate pleasure of making each return trip slightly lighter as I hauled all the guns and ammo back. I didn’t think I was getting any stronger, but I was eating more and I was starting to get accustomed to blocking out any physical discomfort. It made life a lot easier whenever I stopped thinking about the pain.
I put my feet up on the front of the car and my hands on top of my head. “So what’s the plan?” I'd long gone stopped asking him when we would return, even though the words always wanted to fly out and stung in the top of my throat. The truth was that every day I had spent with him made it painfully obvious how little I actually knew. I was better off for it, no matter how much it hurt to think back about everyone that I had left behind.
“It’s something new. Come on.”
Curious, I got up to follow him and reached for my rifle until he stopped me.
“Leave it. We’re not going far.”
That felt wrong. He took every chance he could get to drill into my head to never get separated from my gun. If I was feeling naked and helpless, then he was doing it on purpose. I silently said goodbye to the familiar firearm and followed him back into the mall. The sports section had been raided a long time ago just like everything else. The only useful things we had managed to find were bottles of oil and cloth to clean our guns. The bullets and weapon systems we had escaped with were all we had, so we had made sure to take good care of them.
He stopped me in front of a long rack of swords and I only stared back.
“What do you want me to do?”
He almost laughed. I must have been starting to get good at following directions. “Pick one.”
I looked at the series of metal sticks. I didn’t see the point, but I decided to humor him. Chris’s lessons never really made sense until after we were done with them anyway. I slowly walked across the aisle and swept my hand over the handles. The obvious ones I could count out instantly. Anything that needed two hands to hold would be too heavy for me and I didn’t like anything that had a huge curve.
My fingers stopped on the tip of a leather pommel. The handle looked like it would fit me and I appreciated the look. I pulled it out of the rack with a sharp swish and waved it through the air. It matched my height and felt good to swing around.
“How’s it feel?”
I pointed the tip toward Chris’s chest before slicing it through the air away from him. I tested the weight. “It’s not bad.”
“That’s a Chinese short sword.”
“Aren't they all?”
He grinned at that and pulled out his own from the rack. “We’ll see.”
I followed him outside and he led me onto an even patch of grass a few meters away from the nearest building. The sun was still beaming down and there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky. I was surprised I had not gotten tired of the constant warmth on my skin yet, but something else caught my attention. I pointed my sword at a small speck of haze that lined the horizon while a fresh breeze blew my matted hair
across my face. “Check it out.”
Chris looked up and traced a line to what I could only assume was the first storm cloud that I had seen in weeks. “Looks like smoke. Pretty far away, though.”
“You sure?” I checked again and turned back to see that he wouldn't even bother to give it a second thought. “Shouldn't we... you know... do something?”
He seemed to find that amusing. “Like what?”
I supposed that was a good point. What luck what I have facing a giant wildfire when everything around me for miles was just asking to go up in flames?
“Come on. Forget about it.”
I squared off from Chris as he tested his sword handling using only his left hand, spinning the sharp metal around his wrist faster than I could keep track. I found the whole thing a little ridiculous. “Is this the part when you teach me how to block bullets?”
“More like this is when you learn a different type of hand eye coordination.”
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. He had briefly gone over fighting hand to hand, but of course I was terrible at it. Apparently the next obvious step was to make it more dangerous. I pointed my sword at him. “Please don’t stab me. I don’t do well with sharp objects.”
“No promises.” He nodded his head reassuringly. “We’ll take it slow.”
I kept my hands up and bent my legs, excited. At least I wouldn’t be able to say I never tried new things. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to go slow on him. I quickly patted my face. “You got something on your nose, by the way.” I waited until Chris reached up with his bandaged hand and then took the chance to lunge at him as quick as I could.
He effortlessly tilted his sword to the side and made me glance off so that I almost lost my balance. He was already back in his stance by the time I regained my footing. “Wow, rook. Look at you, playing dirty already.”
I tried to go in with another quick stab and he merely sidestepped the blow before pushing me away by the shoulder.
“What's wrong? You seem flustered.”
I blew a strand of hair away from my face and tried again, this time from the other side and kept my weight on my back foot so that it would be easier to pivot. I managed to connect with his blade once, twice, and finally a third time before he almost tripped me up. Each time he did that, he could have easily counter-attacked and hit me. He was fast enough for it, but I was glad he didn’t.
He took the chance to gloat, though. “Don’t tell me you’re tired already.”
Ass.
I tried to catch my breath. I’d barely done anything, but it was an amazing workout for my arms, core, and lungs. I wouldn’t have stood a chance if we had switched spots, and he was still nursing a mangled hand. I hadn't been expecting him to be nearly as good as he was. “Just gimme my gun. Then we’ll see who’s laughing.”
“You’re not always gonna have your gun.”
“I’ll have my backup gun.”
“And if you lose your backup?”
I shrugged. “I’ll give up.”
He furrowed his brow and I had to step out of the way as he swung at me. I forgot he didn’t like it whenever I said that.
I took the chance to lunge at him again and he blocked it, this time slower so that I’d be able to hit the side of his sword a few more times until we locked up next to each other. I tried to put all my weight into it with little use. “So what do you expect me to do?”
“I don’t expect you to do anything.” He twisted his handle up and over my wrist to force me to hyper extend the muscles and let go.
I started to backpedal, but he was too fast.
He torqued me around and pushed the flat end of his blade onto my back while grabbing my arm, leaning in close and making me wince from the exertion. “But you still need to try.”
I strained to move. He kept my arm still and I thought my elbow was going to pop out. I had to bare my teeth while he kept the pressure on. The lesson wouldn't be over until I was thoroughly exhausted, but even then that wouldn't be the end. There would always be something else. Another hurdle. More pain. Another exercise to push me even further. I could only hope that the more effort I put into it, the sooner we'd finish. I tried to pull away, yet he still wouldn't let me go. The limb was starting to go numb. “I don't think I'm supposed to bend that way.”
“So do something about it.”
Fine.
I kicked him in the leg and managed to get some space in between us.
He swung at me again and I leaned down before I grabbed his forearm and pushed him off balance, surprising myself even further by knocking against the back of his elbow and disarming him a few seconds later. I was still horribly out skilled, but it felt good to know something for a change.
I pushed him away and held my hands up close to my face like he had taught me, ready for a fist fight.
He grinned and brought his hands up. “Alright, not bad.”
“So what are you waiting for?”
“Well... could be better.”
I lashed out and quickly realized how bad of an idea that was when he grabbed my arm and flipped me over onto my back. I hit the ground without tensing and could feel the air rush out of my lungs. I was gonna feel that one for a while for sure.
He continued to circle around me. Apparently he wasn't done. “Get up.”
I reached for my sword and he kicked it away.
“Up.”
I forced myself off the ground and towards the familiar breaking point that I had been skirting around constantly for an unknown amount of hours. If Chris had wanted me to feel exhausted, embarrassed, beaten, and helpless, then he was doing a damn good job. I brought my fists forward, still not ready when he squared off against me again.
“What did I tell you before? Hands up, in front of your face.”
I leaned in more and shifted my arms, flicking him off for his own benefit.
“That's better.” He took a few swings at me, each one too strong for me to block as I stepped around and away from him. He had made me face that I would usually be weaker, but by that logic I’d also be smaller and hopefully quicker.
I put the theory to the test as I ducked underneath another punch and tackled him forward and onto the ground. We rolled on top of each other a few times, each person trying to get the best leverage. It was harder for me that close. As soon as he’d be able to find a good spot, I’d be done for.
I quickly pressed against him as hard as I could and rolled him over onto his back before swiping a sword off the ground and bringing it up to his neck.
He froze and held his hands open.
I actually won.
I couldn’t help but smile. I’d never gotten the chance to keep going and he probably would have beaten me to it, but it was the thought that counted. It was also the first time I managed to beat him, assuming he hadn't been holding back. I continued to straddle him, my smile reaching ear to ear as my hair hung low and around his face. We both stared at each other as we tried to catch our breath and I started not to recognize his look.
He managed to make me laugh. “What is it?” I kept smiling until he reached up and touched the side of my face with the palm of his hand.
He gently brushed a bang back over my ear and my heart skipped a beat.
Shit.
I knew exactly what.
He rubbed his thumb over my cheek and kept his eyes on me—not on my body or my face—but me. And at that moment, he wasn't a solider or teacher anymore. He was the man that I had been surviving with, the man that I could feel through the warmth on the side of my face and in between the inside of my thighs as I continued to lay on top of him.
I couldn't move.
I didn't lean in, but I didn't pull back, either.
The moment was cut short just as the sound of automatic gunfire rang out over us and onto the fields.
I instantly threw my hands over my head and Chris rolled both of us back onto our stomachs. I looked up after a split second, surprised I was still alive, an
d tried to see where the shots had come from. I glanced back over at Chris to see him put a finger to his lips and peek his head above the grass.
“They’re on the blacktop.” He grabbed a sword and then my arm. “Come on.” He pulled me up and we both sprinted to the nearest building and used the brick wall for cover.
I didn’t see anyone on the way, but I could hear them moving closer as indistinguishable words fluttered across the ground. I kept my back against the wall as Chris moved to one corner and he motioned for me to move to the other.
I did as ordered, took a breath and peeped down the side of the building only to see a pile of trash and the familiar amusement rides. I looked back over at Chris and he utilized his hand signals to tell me what he saw.
Four males walking east.
Assault Rifles.
One pickup truck.
No cover.
They must have all been out in the open. I let him know I didn’t see anything on my side and he signed back again.
Wait for my signal.
Reload.
Flank left and take cover.
Wait for my signal.
I tore through my mind to understand the second one. I didn’t have my gun. He must have wanted me to go get it and find a stable firing position. He gave me a thumbs up and nodded. I crouched down and got ready to sprint as I waited for him to slide into a prone position behind a water fountain. He held his hand up without even looking at me, signaling me to get ready. I could feel my heart trying to burst out of the side of my neck. My limbs were already as light as a feather as adrenaline began pumping its way through my body.
I was beyond ready when his hand came down.