He breathed and looked at the room like he wanted to lie down. He said would you like to discuss religion with me.
Okay I said.
He talked about God Himself. I don’t know what he was talking about. I came back and he talked again. He said God Himself was in me. I don’t know what he meant. I looked around inside but I couldn’t find him.
He said most people don’t think Miller is God Himself he is more like a guru. People have different God Himselfs he said. He said if I wanted to believe Miller was God Himself was up to me. He said the most important thing was.
I thought. I thought about Oliver my ex-guru. I thought about ex. I thought how nicer when Harry talked to me. I had funny thoughts about Oliver like I was smarter than Oliver. I couldn’t believe it. I thought about scolding me for thinking it. I told him I didn’t mean it I just thought it it just happened to think itself. I thought who was smarter Oliver or Harry. I thought would Harry ever ask me to shoot me someone across the tiger’s tongue. I thought Harry telling me don’t shoot him Oliver telling me shoot. I thought Loomer shooting Oliver because it was bad to shoot the black man. I thought it must be very bad to shoot the black man if so many people thought it was bad.
Harry told me the black man hitchhiked home from the island. He told me I should forgive the black man forever. He said the black man was trying to live his life like I was trying to live mine. I thought about Harry talking about me trying to lead my life and I cried. I felt sorry for me trying to live my life.
Harry said the religious way was forgive your enemies. I thought enemies and couldn’t think of any. I thought who I was mad at I could forgive him. Loomer I was mad at so I told Harry I forgive Loomer. Harry said that was good of me I might turn into a saint yet. The voice said ask Harry for a ticket to Miller Farm to forgive Loomer.
The voice said I am smart. Smarter than Harry thought. Tell Harry if you don’t give me a ticket I’ll hitchhike. Dumb people can’t do things like hitchhike.
What for he said. You don’t want to go there.
The voice said Harry wasn’t supposed to tell me what I wanted. I was supposed to want what I wanted without him telling me. I do too want to go there.
What for.
I want to live there.
Live there. His eyes got big like fried eggs. What an interesting idea. Why do you want to live there.
The voice said tell him because nobody fights. People are nice there. Miller takes care of you there.
He said would you make peace with Loomer.
Sure.
He wouldn’t get me a ticket. It’s not that I’m afraid you’d get lost he said. I’d rather take you myself if it comes to that. That way I can see you stay out of trouble.
The voice said tell him if you don’t take me I’m going to hitchhike.
One morning I went out to hitchhike. I told the first man where I was going so I could kill Loomer. He made me get out on the road. The police called Harry. They told him about the gun. Harry came and took me home. I said you can’t do that he said.
The voice said keep trying. If you don’t take me I’ll hitchhike again I said.
I can’t take you he said. I have my wife only recently back and my daughter and my work to do.
That’s all right I said I’ll hitchhike.
On the other hand I’m retired Harry said. I have no necessary schedule if it would save you. I don’t intend to take you to Miller Farm only to have you murdering people.
The voice said tell him he was my new guru and I’ll do what he says. If he takes me to Miller Farm I’ll do what he says. If he doesn’t take me I’ll hitchhike. The voice said never give up you owe it to Nicky.
One day the voice said kidnap him and make him take you. So I got my gun and I kidnapped Harry and made him take me to Wicker Falls. Dumb people can’t do that. It took two days.
Harry said why I shouldn’t kill Loomer. He said you are learning to be a civilized man and civilization depends on turning the cheek. We stopped at the motel. I watched television. I saw a program about a man chasing a man who killed his girlfriend. When he got the man in a garage he shot him with a machine gun. I liked that. I kept the gun under my pillow so Harry couldn’t trick me and escape.
In the morning after breakfast I went out back with my gun. I shot a tree. Harry said what the hell are you doing.
I said practicing.
Practicing for what.
I said I needed to practice if I was going to kill Loomer.
He said stupid. You mustn’t do that mustn’t. I cried.
He said we’ve gone as far as we can. Now I’m going to stop this nonsense turn around and go home.
I said you can’t because I’m kidnapping you.
The voice said if you give up now you’ll never be Nicky again. You owe it to Loomer. We got in the car and drove on. Harry drove. I made him drive all the way.
The voice said Harry wants you to think for yourself. If you think for yourself you’ll kill Loomer because Harry doesn’t want you to think of that. Dumb people can’t figure out things like that.
Are you mad at me I said.
What the hell do you think.
I don’t know I said.
23
Harry Field
Harry took Nick Foster to Wicker Falls against everyone’s advice. Barbara, Judy, Joe Rice, Connie. He went anyway because otherwise Nick would go by himself and anything could happen. He liked the unusual feeling of intervening in events.
He hoped he wouldn’t run into Lena, who had called to say she had been invited to Miller Farm. How she got the invitation she didn’t say. He didn’t tell her he was going there too. For a moment he was irritated, thinking if she goes I can’t, then decided it didn’t matter.
He let Nick believe that he was kidnapping him. That began when Nick showed up one day, pointed his gun at Harry and said, Take me to Miller Farm. You have to because I am kidnapping you. Harry persuaded him to wait a day so he could tell his family. If I just go off with you now, Harry said, my wife and daughter will call the police and come after us and you’ll end up in jail instead of Miller Farm.
How do I know you won’t escape? Nick asked. If I let you go you’ll outwit me.
Where can I go? Harry said. This is where I live. If you come back tomorrow I’ll be here.
So Nick postponed the kidnapping a day. When he came back he pointed his gun at Harry and said, Now. By this time Harry was packed and ready to go, against the advice of everybody. What will you do if I refuse? Harry asked Nick.
You can’t because I’m pointing the gun at you.
Would you shoot me?
Nick didn’t answer. His hand looked nervous and Harry realized the gun could go off because of nervousness. If you shot me, Harry said, how would you get to Miller Farm?
I’d hitchhike, Nick said. I’m not so dumb.
In that case I guess I’d better take you, shouldn’t I?
So Harry let Nick think he was kidnapping him. He thought he could rescue himself at any moment if necessary. Though the gun pointed at him from time to time, the worst danger was that it would go off accidentally, in which case it might hit anything including Nick. So he humored Nick and pretended. The length of the trip would give him time to change Nick’s mind. He would rescue Nick from himself and protect him from others.
He drove in the cool morning with Nick beside him like any other automobile trip, except when he remembered the purpose. The strangeness shocked him but exhilarated him too. He had built his long eventless university career leading the life of the mind. Chasing kidnappers and dissuading potential killers was not what professors do. But if you live long enough, everything can happen.
While driving he struggled with the lightness in his head. Precursor of a stroke. He hoped it wouldn’t happen on the road, and he kept conscious by force of will. They drove a long time the first day and stopped at a motel. He kept thinking of ways to trick Nick. He could drive aimlessly around the country and Nick would never
realize they weren’t going to Miller Farm. He had opportunities to escape at every stop. A phone call to the police would stop it. At the motel Nick slept with his pistol under his pillow. It would be easy to take the pistol then. Sometimes during the day Nick fell asleep with the pistol in his lap. Harry didn’t seize these opportunities. He refrained out of respect for Nick. Since he knew he could rescue himself he wanted to treat Nick honorably. He drove and he talked, lecturing Nick. He did not think Nick would actually kill anyone but he wanted to be sure. He wanted Nick to transfer his allegiance to Miller, exchange the guru again. His colleagues would tease him about turning his disciple over to such a fraud but never mind, lives were at stake. What to tell Miller? Explain to him, Nick’s a good person at heart. Miller would understand.
When they arrived at the Sleepy Wicker after two days he was still dizzy, but there was too much to think about to notice. Nicky was humble. Harry said, If you promise to give up killing, I’ll take you to Miller tomorrow. I’ll persuade him to let you stay. Would you like that?
Yes.
Nick had eyes like a nocturnal animal. He told Harry there was a voice in his head telling him what to do. Is that God talking to me?
No, Harry said. It’s you talking to you. It’s in your head.
That’s what I said, Nicky said.
They took separate rooms that night because they were almost there and Nick wasn’t afraid of Harry pulling tricks any more. When Harry called Miller that evening to warn him of what was coming, they said Miller was busy and call back tomorrow.
Trying to sleep Harry heard Nick’s television through the walls. As long as I can hear him, he thought. He woke in the morning at eight-thirty. He banged on Nick’s door, then back to his room to shave shower and dress. When he was ready he knocked on Nick’s door again but no answer.
That was odd. There was no reason for him not to reply and it scared Harry, what to think. He waited and knocked again. He couldn’t think of anything but to ask at the desk, but this was embarrassing and he waited some more. Finally he told the clerk. My friend doesn’t answer the door; he said, ashamed of the alarm in his voice.
The woman was surprised. The kid in 19? He left.
When?
Couple hours ago. Went walking down the road.
Which way?
Village way. Maybe he got a bite at the Bonny Vista. She spoke soothingly to his anxiety.
Trying not to be alarmed, he drove to Wicker Falls. No Nick at the Bonny Vista Café. The cashier just came on, hadn’t noticed anyone, she said. Harry forgot about his own breakfast. Like a zoo keeper chasing an escaped panther or poisonous snake. Don’t alarm the countryside. How far could Nick go in two hours on foot? Harry was ashamed of skipping breakfast for it converted imagination into emergency, and his imagination was too lurid.
He saw a parked police car at the intersection. Uh-oh. The village was a few buildings around the intersection, and the police car sat quietly in front of the hardware store. Next to the post office and the grocery store. A small group of people stood around, pricking his nerves with sudden fear. He stopped across the street. I’ll get a paper, he said. Maybe Nick is here. Maybe not. A young policeman leaning against his car chatted with three or four citizens, none of them Nick. Harry strolled over. Behind the police car a yellow tape stretched across the front of the hardware store. Yellow tape signifies caution, construction, danger. It doesn’t have to mean a crime. I’m not ready, Harry said.
Already too late? Whatever was fated to happen has already happened. The newspaper rack was outside the hardware store. Pay inside. The policeman watched him. To pay for the paper he would have to go through the tape. The policeman said, You don’t want to go in there.
You can pay me, a woman said.
There were four people besides the policeman. Two farmers, a laborer with a pony tail, and the woman. She was hearty swinging her arms in a big green sweatshirt.
What happened?
Man shot.
Who?
So it was a crime. Thinking furiously, that idiot, damned idiot. Calm down. The worst case in your imagination never comes true. Harry knew this and relied on it late at night when his daughter had not come home or his wife was late. Always it was something else, unrelated. Just because it happens to be raging in your mind doesn’t mean a thing. Whatever happened here had nothing to do with Nick. He counted on this as a principle.
I forget his name, the policeman said. Any of you folk remember his name?
Nobody could.
An old farmer with a rueful smile. First murder hereabouts in thirty-six year, he said. He said “hereabouts” in the old New England way and “year” without an s like “sheep” or “fish.”
Now we’re no different from city folk, the woman said.
You don’t know who got killed? Harry said.
Somebody from Miller Farm, the policeman said. Man come in from Miller Farm to identify him.
Miller Farm, worse and worse, Harry thought. Let it not be Nick, oh Nick let it not be you. But where then did Nick go, what happened to him, in the tidal advance of the news?
Nobody caught the name? Harry said.
Why, you know folks out there? the woman said.
One or two, Harry said.
You’re from Ohio, the younger farmer said, reading Harry’s license plate.
They looked at him, friendly and wary. The woman laughed. Well, she said, it should be familiar to you. Drive by shootings, gang killings, no different from anyplace else. Ohio.
Drive by shooting? Harry said.
The policeman shrugged.
Shot from a car? There, I knew it. Nick would not have been shooting from a car.
I’d tell you the guy’s name if I could remember it, the policeman said. He’s inside. You want to take a look?
No thanks, Harry said. A quick reaction, followed by thoughts. Maybe I should at that, he said.
If you like such sights, the policeman said. He went to the tape.
Harry hesitated. It wasn’t a frail blond kid, was it?
Frail blond? Nah. He lifted the tape for Harry to go under. Harry declined. Never mind, he said.
I don’t like dead bodies either, Luella said.
The shame of receiving sympathy for that almost changed Harry’s mind. Not quite, though.
Swarthy, the policeman said. Kinda ugly. Foreign looking.
Loomer, Harry thought. Let it not be Loomer, please not. Too late, too late.
Luella was talking, grinning for the adventure of it. News, nothing like this happened in this place for thirty-six years. Tell me folks, have we got a Mafia now? I was at the desk, busy with the basket display. I heard a bang. I didn’t think gun, I just thought bang. Didn’t pay no attention maybe a couple minutes, maybe five. After a while I got thinking you don’t ordinarily hear that kind of bang on the streets of Wicker Falls so I went to the door and there he was.
Where?
Half sidewalk half street. I seen him lying there and blood and I says, Uh-oh.
That’s what I’d say too, the laborer said.
Jeannette in the post office saw him same time. We looked out our doors at the same moment.
Dead already?
Looked dead to me. I didn’t care to look, I called police while Jeannette did what she could for him.
Dead when I got here, the policeman said. Coroner will fix the finer time.
Harry said, Maybe I should take a look. No I guess I won’t.
Suit yourself.
I guess if you know somebody out there, you want to know who it was, Luella said. Like me. Main thing was make sure it wasn’t Jacko. Soon as I knew that, I didn’t look no more.
That Miller place, the older farmer said. I always said they’s not good for the country to be living so close.
Any info on the killer? the laborer said.
Rose said he got away in a pickup truck, Luella said.
I thought you said nobody seen the killer, the laborer said.
; Somebody seen him drive away in the guy that got shot’s truck.
How could that be if nobody seen the killing and you was the first to seen the body?
Beats me, Luella said. That’s what Rose said.
Truck’s probably miles away by now, the policeman said.
You could set up a roadblock, that would catch him.
If they think that would work, they’ll do it, the policeman said. If not they won’t.
Nicky in the stolen truck, where would he go? Not back to the motel, for Harry would have seen him. Heading north? Eventually he’ll bump into the Canadian border and what then? He wouldn’t know what to do. They would shoot him down while he was trying to get someone to tell him what to do. Miller Farm? The voice in Harry’s head, if he had believed in voices, said Nick went out to Miller Farm. Because he would want to go home. The nearest facsimile of home. Miller Farm for sanctuary, even if he lacked the concept of sanctuary.
Someone said, I just been thinking. If the killer hijacked the victim’s truck, he must of left his car some place. That would be a lead.
Harry was fidgeting, thinking Miller Farm, I must hurry to Miller Farm. The laborer noticed him. You’re a stranger here.
You just noticed? the younger farmer said. He’s from Ohio. That’s what we was talking about, all the drive-by shootings in Ohio.
Passing through, Harry said. I’m at the Sleepy Wicker.
Well you picked a good time. It don’t happen every day here like in Ohio.
It doesn’t happen where I come from either, Harry said.
The policeman’s radio jabbered. The policeman went around the other side of the car. When he came back he looked strained, scared. Crime wave, he said. It’s spreading.
What you mean, Fox?
More killing?
The policeman nodded. He looked shocked.
We’re making history today, Luella said. Note the day, when crime broke out in Wicker Falls.
Where? the younger farmer said.
Miller Farm, the policeman said, with irritation. It’s trouble out at Miller Farm.
Shit, the older farmer said. I told you, I told you.
What kind of trouble? Luella said.
Disciples Page 22