“Was that how it was for you?”
“You have an advantage over Nathaniel and me. We didn’t even know each other when we got married. I’m certain he wondered what was wrong with me some days.”
“And the good days?” Ina asked.
“I think I need to finish reading his journal.” She hugged her friend. “And I think if I were to marry again, I would know how to have more happy days. But you are already selfless. I was still learning to care about others when Nathaniel died. Marriage will suit you from the start.” She grabbed Ina’s hand and held it tightly. “Now, tell me exactly what Duncan said to you. Enough of this serious talk. I want to hear all the romantic details.”
Ina’s eyes brightened, and she squeezed Hazel’s hand back. “It differed from how I ever expected to be asked.”
“Was it beautiful though? Even if it was different?”
Her head bobbed enthusiastically. “Yes. We were eating with Amy, and Duncan took my hand. It was after the wink and after Amy told us she wanted to come live with her father. He held my hand and said he’d been thinking about it and he thought she should come home soon. She asked when, and even teared up a little. Duncan turned to me and asked me if I’d be his wife and if we could all be a family. It was simple. He said he loved me and that he felt happy when he was with me. I told him I’d be honored, and then he kissed me. Just a little kiss, but it was my first real kiss.” Ina’s cheeks turned a perfect shade of pink as she recollected it all. “It wasn’t just on the cheek like before. Oh, Hazel, it made my heart soar. After that we ate cake, and everything in the world felt right. It was only later that I worried.”
Hazel grinned. “You are going to marry Duncan!” She stood up and pulled her friend with her. “You’re going to marry him!”
“I am! I’m going to marry him and be his wife.” Ina burst into tears. “I’m getting married.”
Back in her room, Hazel dressed for bed, then prayed for Mathilda and for Ina and Duncan’s love and for answers to her own heart’s queries. The hour was late and sleep tugged at her weary body, but she was restless and picked up Nathaniel’s journal again. She read several entries about ordinary life—business and news of his friends. She pored over his words, searching for answers and wanting desperately to know what had been in his heart. She paused on an entry from three months into their marriage.
Today I returned home from work to find that Hazel had gone to visit her family. The house felt quiet. It was then I realized I enjoyed Hazel’s company. She has a lively and impulsive way about her. I can tell that living here with me is trying for her, but she keeps her chin up and seems determined to make a go of it. I feel it is too early yet to decide what will become of us as we grow old, but I don’t dread finding out like I once did.
When Hazel returned, we went out and ordered new furniture for the house. We had very different preferences, but in the end the house will be a strange compilation of her tastes and mine. But perhaps all homes are the reflection of two lost souls merging together.
Hazel closed her eyes, remembering the day. She’d gone to visit her little sisters. They’d snuggled up to her and asked what married life was like.
When she returned, Nathaniel was in a strange mood. He followed her around like a shadow, asking about her day and her family and all sorts of nothingness.
Finally, he asked, “Would you like to buy things for the house? We’ve been living in a half-furnished home long enough.”
“Yes,” she replied. “I’d love that.”
That outing was the first comfortable one they’d shared. They had laughed together as they debated what to buy.
The happy entry led her to read further, hoping to find more pleasurable moments.
Four months of marriage, and today I woke up wondering how I ended up with a spitfire for a wife. There’s something wrong with Hazel.
She snapped the journal shut, then pulled her hand back to throw it across the floor, stopping herself when she realized such an action would only confirm his horrid entry. Instead, she smiled smugly as though he were there and with exaggerated calmness opened the journal again.
I wonder if I am the only married man who wonders why women act the way they do. She seems perfectly adjusted to this new life of ours one day, and then she wakes up fuming mad the next, yelling at me about staying out late and keeping secrets. I tried to tell her I was working, but she only grew angrier. Her eyes were like nothing I’d ever seen before. I avoided them whenever possible, but then of course she had to yell that I wouldn’t even look at her.
I left, uncertain about what I would come home to. To my great relief, she seemed content and good-natured upon my return. She must have overcome or tucked away whatever had been bothering her. Married life, I have come to believe, is like being on a boat in the middle of a storm. One moment the gray and livid sky is threatening, and the next it’s overwhelmingly beautiful.
Hazel shut the journal and put it on her desk. She couldn’t expect Nathaniel to have been happy all the time. She hadn’t been. There’d been days when she was angry about her loss of freedom or frustrated by how little they knew about each other or battling with her selfish nature. Still, it would have been nice to read that he’d been blissfully happy. Was such happiness even possible?
CHAPTER
TWENTY-TWO
“It’s four in the morning,” Gilbert said to his brother after opening the front door and finding Eddie on the porch brushing snow from his shoulders. Eddie had insisted on heading back to Buffalo the day before, giving Gilbert no idea as to when he would return. “Where have you been?”
“Stop staring at me like I’ve committed a crime and I’ll tell you,” Eddie said, making his way into the house.
Gilbert grumbled but sat in the parlor ready to talk if Eddie was willing.
Eddie continued brushing snow off himself as he recounted his evening’s escapades. “I went to the brothel. I wanted to go before the Sally Belle left port again. I was hoping to catch Patrick or Jacob, the captain. Or at the least ask a few questions.”
“Did you?”
“Not right away. I was able to find out from one of the card dealers that they were both in often. He asked me if I was there for a delivery, so I went along with it and asked him if I could expect one today.” Eddie ran a hand through his wet hair. “He said he expected it later that night. So I played a lot of cards and looked at a lot of beautiful women.”
“Eddie!” Gilbert balked. “You didn’t.”
“Settle down. I said that to get you riled up, but I assure you I have retained some of the moral convictions Father tried so hard to instill in me. Anyway, around eleven a couple of men came in. The dealer leaned over and told me they worked for Patrick Harper. He also told me that the Sally Belle was heading out soon and I ought to get what I could now because weather might slow the next shipment. You would have been impressed with my calm demeanor as I watched it all happen.” Eddie leaned back, reenacting his pose from earlier in the night. “I don’t think they want anyone knowing the opium all travels up the Erie Canal on the Sally Belle.”
Eddie unlaced his wet boots and slid his feet out. Water pooled beneath the soles of his shoes, puddling up on the wood floor. Gilbert cringed but said nothing. A bit of water paled in comparison to the case. “I decided that since I was so close, I ought to go to the Williamses’ home and tell them what I’d seen and heard. We sat and talked over all our theories, and Hugo told me he had found trustworthy men to watch the ship and keep an eye out for Patrick.”
Gilbert slapped his brother’s shoulder. “Well done.”
“I didn’t want you going.” He smirked. “I knew your innocence would never survive the hours at the brothel.”
“Is that why you’re helping? You want to protect my virtue?” Gilbert raised a brow. His brother’s story didn’t add up.
Eddie blew into his hands to warm them. “No. It’s not just that.”
“What is it?”
“You were right. I have been holding grudges for too long, but I think it’s more than that. I feel guilty for so many things. I let myself believe that if Hazel was worse than I was, still lost and conniving, then I wasn’t so bad.” He scratched his head. “I figured I’d done some bad things, but if I could cling to the notion that what she’d done was worse, well, somehow that made me innocent.”
Gilbert stood and walked the aged floors. “You’re saying that you think if you can convince us all that Hazel’s some sort of heathen, then that washes your sins away? I’d always believed you to be more levelheaded than that.”
“The night at the park when Hazel was tricked into marrying Nathaniel to save her reputation? That was my doing. I orchestrated that. The memory haunts me. What sort of coward am I to stand back and watch?” For the first time since they’d reconnected, Eddie seemed genuinely sorry. This was the Eddie whom Gilbert had known—sincere and real. “I’d gotten better at ignoring the memories and subduing the guilt, but now here she is.”
“Why not just apologize? You don’t have to remain a coward. She would forgive you. She already has. Her heart is good like that.”
“I was wrong to do what I did. I should have stepped out of the shadows and stopped it all. I suppose I’m trying to make up for that by helping you now.” Eddie’s head flew up, and his hands fisted together. “But I’m not lying when I tell you she is not someone you want to be attached to.”
“You know the Hazel from before. I know the Hazel now.” Frustrated by his brother’s stubbornness, Gilbert walked the floor. Why couldn’t Eddie see how wrong he was? Living stuck in the past robbed the future.
Eddie shook his head. “What if it’s an act?”
“If you think there’s no way for someone to change, then you must still be the type of man who would stand by and watch two strangers marry under false pretenses. But I don’t think that’s who you are anymore. You’ve changed. So has she.” Gilbert let his pacing take him to the stairs. “I’m glad you went to the brothel. It puts us closer to solving all this.” He walked up two steps, then stopped. “I care for Hazel. I don’t know if there’s any hope of us having a future together, but I believe with all my heart that she is a fine woman. I hope you’ll try to forgive her and forgive yourself.”
Eddie shifted in his seat, then he stood and walked to the mantel, where the picture of their father sat. “Do you think our father would have forgiven me? If he were here in this room, would he welcome me?”
“Yes,” Gilbert said without so much as a pause. “He’d welcome you with open arms.”
“You don’t even know why I left.”
“I don’t have to. I know he would have forgiven you. You’re a good man, Eddie, and Father was the sort to believe that our faults could be overcome. Whatever the indiscretion, he’d have stood by you as you wrestled through it.” Gilbert walked to his brother’s side. “Put it behind you. Fix it if you can, but move forward. Let’s live the dreams we always talked about.”
“Going to sea.” Eddie smiled sadly. “I’m not sure that’s my dream anymore.”
“No. Not those dreams. But the dreams of living good lives near each other. You were always sweet on someone, and you used to talk about settling down. You could still do that. And I could too. We could have families and be husbands and fathers. We could honor our own father as we love our children. Doesn’t that sound better than carrying around grudges?”
Eddie raised his head and looked his brother in the eyes. “You make it sound simple.”
“I’ve watched you fight to stay angry, and from my vantage point, I’d say grudges are not simple. They require endless feeding. Forgiving may in fact be the easier route, and there’s no doubt it’s the better one. Go to sleep now, but think about it.”
“Have you heard?” Hazel asked Gilbert at the office the next day as soon as she entered.
“Heard what?”
“Duncan asked Ina to marry him!” She had her hands clasped near her heart. “Oh, isn’t it the greatest news? When I first met Ina, she was so certain love would never find her, and now she’s getting married. And it’s a real marriage, a love match.”
He stopped what he was doing and asked, “Do you think they’ll name their firstborn after me?”
“What?” Hazel laughed. “Why?”
“Have you forgotten that I introduced them at the corn husking?”
“I will never forget the corn husking! I’ll tell her you expect a child named Gilbert. Gilbert Franklin. I like it. I’m sure she’ll turn crimson red at the thought of babies and namesakes.” Hazel sighed. “I’m so happy for her.”
“Does it make you think of love and marriage for yourself?”
“I suppose it does.” Heat crept up her neck all the way to her ears. “After I see my family and when my sister is well, maybe I’ll think about the possibility of marrying again. I didn’t think I ever would, but perhaps—”
“I hope I’m not interrupting.” Hazel jerked her head toward the voice, only to see Eddie moseying into the room. “I’d like to speak to Hazel. Can you spare her?”
“You don’t have to.” Gilbert closed the distance between them.
“It’s fine,” she said, searching Eddie for understanding. He looked different, less smug. “Would you like to go outside? I noticed the snow has stopped.”
Eddie nodded and stepped through the door ahead of her.
The air was crisp and fresh, with a slight wind blowing from the east. She pulled her coat tightly around herself, trying to keep the cold from seeping into her bones as they walked along the street.
“My brother has found a new gift since meeting you,” Eddie began.
“Has he?”
“He seems to have found his tongue and has decided he likes using it to speak plainly to me.”
She put a hand over her mouth to mask the smile that raced to it. Eddie might not appreciate Gilbert’s liberated tongue, but she loved that he was a man of words now.
“He spoke rather forcibly last night. I wrestled with myself half the night and finally decided that he spoke the truth. No need to tell him that though.”
“I’m glad I didn’t help him find a lying tongue.”
“No, that wouldn’t have fit Gilbert well at all.” Eddie stopped walking and leaned against the brick wall of a little shop. “I owe you an apology.”
“No you don’t,” she blurted.
“I do. I have little practice offering them, so try to listen and be patient with me even if I sound like a dunce.”
Knowing firsthand what a battle of pride and humility felt like, she granted him an easy audience. “Very well. I’m listening.”
“I should have stepped out from the trees all those years ago. I’ve felt sorry about it ever since.” He was looking down at his feet. “I’m sorry for all the trials my actions caused you. And I’m sorry for what I said about Mathilda. I wish no ill upon her or upon you.”
Matching his honesty, she said, “I should not have played games with your friend’s affections. I was a foolish youth. I too have lived with the burden of regret.”
“You’ve really changed?” he asked. “You’re not going to hurt Gilbert?”
“The truth is, I never would have chosen to marry Nathaniel, but once I found myself married to him, I also found myself faced with a lot of harsh realities. I knew I’d hurt him and I couldn’t walk away from his pain like I’d walked away from all the others before him. We were stuck together, so every single day I saw the hurt and the anger in his eyes. And then I learned that I could ease the pain by thinking of his needs and not just mine.” Hazel folded her arms across her chest and shivered slightly. “Since then, I’ve never willfully hurt another soul.” She darted a glance at him. “That’s not entirely true. It wasn’t so long ago that I slapped a man.”
“That was deserved.” He put his hands in his pockets, then slowly blew a puff of breath into the cold air, making a cloud above him. “I should have given you a chance. Gi
lbert asked me to, but I was born with a stubborn streak.”
“Give me a chance now. The rest is forgotten.” She smiled at him—not a forced smile but a genuine one. “I think the two of us will be great friends.”
He smirked at her. “I think we will be more than friends.”
Hazel took a small step back and raised an inquisitive eyebrow, unsure what he was implying. “More?”
“I think before long, you and I will be like brother and sister.” He laughed, and for once she heard no malice behind it. “I’d like to know you as you are now. I hope you’ll give me another chance.”
“I’ve never had an older brother.” She laughed with him, amazed by how quickly the angst between them disappeared. “It’s liberating, isn’t it?”
“Begging for forgiveness?”
“Letting go.”
He nodded. “It is. I’m sorry it took so long.”
CHAPTER
TWENTY-THREE
“There’s no one else scheduled today.” Gilbert put the freshly cleaned instruments back in their spots.
“I’m glad.” Hazel rubbed her lower back and sighed. “I’ll never know how you lean over all day without complaining of an aching back.”
Gilbert held out Hazel’s coat to her. “Sometimes I have to walk the pain away.”
“So you are human and do hurt from time to time.”
“Guilty.” He watched as she slid her arms into her coat sleeves. “Will you walk to my father’s grave with me?”
“To his grave? Yes, of course.” She picked up her reticule. “Do you go often?”
“I go on special days and when I want to feel close to him.” He led her from the office, locking the door behind her. “Today marks the anniversary of his death.”
“Is it a hard day for you?”
“He was in a lot of pain before he died. I’m glad he no longer suffers, but I’d give anything for another conversation with him.”
“What would you talk about?”
“I’d tell him about you and about how daring I’ve been as of late.” He puffed out his chest and laughed. “I think I’d tell him that I’m happy.”
A Lady in Attendance Page 21