SIXTY-THREE
We like to get the Early Bird Special, half past four to six, Monday through Friday. Fixed price soup, entree, dessert and choice of beverage. Weekends Sherman drives over and we try different places. Sophie’s Place is OK. The salad bar, the bathrooms, everything’s on the level and the parking lot is at the rear. I can drop those two old fools out front and then proceed to park without Sherman Ulysses waving his arms, giving me directions.
Murray said, ‘Why don’t you just drive over his foot.’
I said, ‘Get thee behind me, Satan.’
Murray asked the girl if she was Sophie.
‘Hunh?’ she said.
‘Poppy’s would be a good name for an eatery,’ he remarked.
‘Or an opium den,’ Sherman said.
‘I’d like to have had something named after me,’ Murray said. ‘I guess it’s too late now.’
I said, ‘Such as? A mall?’
‘Probably not a whole mall,’ he said. ‘Maybe a medium size shopping opportunity with a food court. I think I swallowed a fish bone.’
‘Suck on a lemon,’ Sherman said. ‘That’ll move it.’
They were out of lemons.
I said, ‘Then bring him the key lime pie. Limes are nearly the same as lemons.’ I’d warned him not to have the seafood bake. I’d told him to order the eggplant roulade.
Sherman said, ‘I’d like to be a medical center. The Sherman Grace Medical Center.’
Murray said, ‘I don’t want key lime pie. The fish bone’s cured so I’ll get the ice cream medley. I think I’d rather be a causeway. The Murray Jacoby Causeway.’
I said, ‘Cousin Addie Minkel got war medals and they couldn’t even get around to naming a scenic picnic venue for her.’
Murray said, ‘Or, The Murray Jacoby Wildlife Refuge. That’d be fine. I need another glass of milk.’
Sherman said, ‘I don’t know how you can drink that stuff. Medical research shows that many human beings lack the enzyme for digesting cows’ milk. So the stock I told you to buy and you ignored me? I bought it. And it went up. Still going up as a matter of fact. Aunt Poppy, loan me your specs. I’m going to read the contraindications on your medication.’
I said, ‘Well, of course, my name is already known.’
Murray said, ‘I’ll bet Sophie here never heard of you. Pass me your serviette. I’m going to take some of this foliage home for Grizel. May as well. We’ve paid for it. So what happens to the milk?’
‘Turns to rubber,’ Sherman said, ‘and just lies there, giving you gas pains for the rest of your life.’
‘Rubbish,’ Murray said. ‘Now pipe down while I read you my latest haiku. And don’t tell me you can’t understand it.’
Sherman never got the hang of haiku.
‘QUESTION,’ Murray began,
Jew suppose we’d still
Be wandering if we hadn’t
Found Daytona Beach?
‘No. Didn’t understand it,’ Sherman said. ‘Poppy, have you been experiencing dizziness, breathlessness or muscular cramps? If so, you should consult your physician immediately.’
If you enjoyed The Unfortunates, check out these other great Laurie Graham titles.
The hilarious and touching novel from Laurie Graham – the fictional diary of the Queen’s best friend in pre-war London.
Laurie Graham's brilliant novel is the fictional diary of Maybell Brumby, a wealthy American widow who arrives in London in 1932 and discovers that an old school friend is in town: Bessie Wallis Warfield, now Mrs Ernest Simpson. Maybell and Wally are made for one another. One has money and a foothold in high society, courtesy of a sister who married well. The other has ruthless ambition and enough energy to power the National Grid. Before the year is out, Wally has begun her seduction of the Prince of Wales, and as she clambers towards the throne she makes sure Maybell and her cheque book are always close at hand.
So Maybell becomes an eye-witness to the Abdication Crisis. From her perch in Carlton Gardens, home of her influential brother-in-law Lord Melhuish, she has the perfect vantage point for observing the anxious, changing allegiances for and against Queen Wally, and the political contours of pre-war London.
When the crisis comes and Wally flees to the south of France, she insists on Maybell going with her. 'Are you sure that's advisable, darling?' asks the King. 'Of course it is,' snaps Wally. 'She's the Paymaster General.' Maybell's diary records the marriage, the Windsors' exile, and the changing complexion of the Greatest Love Story. It takes the sound of German jackboots at the gate and personal tragedy to make her close its pages for the last time.
Buy the ebook here
The treacherous glitz of show business and the sublime madness of family relationships are brought to life in this hilarious and ultimately touching novel from the bestselling author of The Future Homemakers of America and The Unfortunates.
The Boff brothers live at home with their Mam. They have a lav down the yard and a jerry under the bed and they play bookings at the Birmingham Welsh and the Rover Sports and Social. Cled tinkles on the piano and Sel is the crooner. 'Sel's the one who can lift people out of themselves and send them home feeling grand and you can't argue against that' says Cled.
When Sel decides he must try his chances with the brights lights of New York City, he packs up his sequinned suits and enlists his brother as travel companion and accompanist. What follows is a tale of mad-cap high jinx; of mirrored ceilings and heart-shaped tubs; of screaming girls, romancing and No Business Like Show Business. As jealousy starts encroaching on the brothers' relationship, Cled finds that there are more secrets in his family than he had bargained for.
With her characteristic wit and wisdom, Laurie Graham brings us a touching celebration of the sparkle and dust of family life.
Buy the ebook here
Filled with warmth, wit and wisdom, ‘The Future Homemakers of America’ takes us to the heart of female friendship. A novel fans of ‘Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood’ will not be able to resist.
Norfolk,1953. The Fens have never seen anything quite like the girls from USAF Drampton. Overpaid, overfed and over here.
While their men patrol the skies keeping the Soviets at bay, some are content to live the life of the Future Homemakers of America clipping coupons, cooking chicken pot pie but other start to stray, looking for a little native excitement beyond the perimeter fence. Out there in the freezing fens they meet Kath Pharaoh, a tough but warm Englishwoman. Bonds are forged, uniting the women in friendship that will survive distant postings, and the passage of forty years.
Buy the ebook here
About the Author
Laurie Graham is the author of 9 novels. ‘The Ten O'Clock Horses’, was shortlisted for the Encore Award and dramatized for Radio 4, as was ‘Perfect Meringues’. Later titles are The ‘Dress Circle’, ‘Dog Days’, ‘Glenn Miller Nights’, ‘The Future Homemakers of America’, ‘The Unfortunates’, ’Gone with the Windsors’ and ‘Mr Starlight’, which was shortlisted for the Saga Wit Award. Her latest novel, ‘The Importance of Being Kennedy’ was published in 2007.
By the Same Author
Fiction
The Man for the Job
The Ten O’Clock Horses
Perfect Meringues
The Dress Circle
Dog Days, Glenn Miller Nights
The Future Homemakers of America
Mr Starlight
Gone with the Windsors
The Importance of Being Kennedy
Non-fiction
The Parents’ Survival Guide
The Marriage Survival Guide
Teenagers
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United Kingdom
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
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The Unfortunates Page 35