by Brooks, Abby
Or maybe not at all.
If this was the way he was going to be, maybe she didn’t want anything to do with him after all.
As the hours stretched out in cycles of awkward silences and the hum of customers and their chatter, Ellie found herself watching James more and more in the quiet moments of the day. His dark eyes were sunken and rimmed in pain. The more she watched him, the more she saw a man battling despair. A man whose heart was burning him from the inside out. He kept his eyes averted not just from her, but from everyone, as if he wanted to disappear, to go unseen.
Sometime around noon, she brought him a glass of water and some ibuprofen. “Want a coffee?” she asked as she set the water beside him, carefully avoiding eye contact.
James shrugged. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. But we’ll just skip that part for now. Coffee? Or no?”
He finally made eye contact with her and the storm boiling beneath his surface caught her off guard. Her breath caught in her throat. He dropped his eyes to his work. “No. Thank you. I brought this on myself. I’ll deal with the consequences myself.”
Ignoring the ibuprofen, he took a long drink from the water and didn’t make eye contact with her again. She blew a long breath out of her mouth and was about to let him know just exactly how much she didn’t appreciate the silence, didn’t appreciate the about face in his attitude, that he was worrying her, making her feel awkward, when she heard another round of customers come in. She raced off to the counter, glad that her mouth didn’t get a chance to totally alienate him. Whatever it was he was dealing with, the last thing he needed was her piling a bunch of awkward relationship crap on top of it all. That was the whole point of the fake relationship. He wasn’t ready for a real one. Not now, and maybe not ever.
And that was fine, except that she felt herself growing more and more concerned about his well-being. More and more attached to being around him. He might not want a relationship, but she was starting to wonder if maybe she did. The day ended and James left with barely a word said between them. Ellie’s stomach roiled and boiled with nerves and anger.
Parasite Steve had used her for her apartment and for her money. For him, she was nothing more than a roof over his head, food in his belly, and a place to put his dick at night. She hadn’t loved him and she hadn’t felt loved. And she didn’t want that any more. Never again. She wanted to be loved and to feel loved in return. She wanted to look at someone the way Juliet had looked at Ian the other night.
She had agreed to pretend to date James when she was tipsy off margaritas and atmosphere. She had agreed because it had sounded fun, like a chance to break through the tedium of everyday being the same. Sleeping with him had been a terrible decision because now she was in a situation where she wasn’t going to be able to keep her emotions separated from this agreement. She was going to end up wanting more than he could give, spending the next several months feeling used. Had she traded one parasite for another? Had she been so wrapped up in who James used to be that she hadn’t noticed who he’d become?
By the time she got home, her mood was just as dark as James’s had been that morning. After spending the day mainlining coffee, she was way too wired to take the nap she craved, the nap she knew would make her feel better. She plopped on the couch and tried to lose herself in a book, but she couldn’t stop thinking about James. The hurt in his eyes. The bruises on his knuckles. The whiskey on his breath. What had happened after he left the restaurant last night?
They’d had such a good time at the Shrimp Fest, laughing with Ian and Juliet, dancing as the sun set over the water. And the kiss that had sent them back to Good Beginnings, it’d been so passionate, so … so … real.
But I want to kiss you, he had said to her on the dance floor. Not fake girlfriend Ellie, but the woman I have in my arms right now.
And what had he said to her the moment they were alone?
I’ve wanted you since you took me home from Fantastic Sam’s that first night. I’ve tried to ignore it, but I can’t. Not any longer.
Was that the problem? Ellie sat up and scooted towards the edge of the sofa, her thoughts swirling in a hurricane of questions. Was he developing feelings for her?
This was the kind of day that warranted a drink. She wandered into the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge. Reading was out of the question. With all the thoughts she had flitting through her head, she couldn’t get one word read without interrupting herself. She turned on the TV and kicked her heels up on the coffee table, flipped through the channels until she found an old movie and leaned back on the couch.
Two beers later, the whirlwind of thought had died down and Ellie was having a hard time keeping her eyes open. After making sure her alarm was set for way too damn early, she curled up on the couch and closed her eyes. She was too tired to worry about putting herself to bed properly. She just needed this day to be over so she could focus on making tomorrow better.
It felt like she had just closed her eyes when her phone started blaring at her from its place on the arm of the couch. She sat up, confused and achy and not at all pleased with herself for choosing to pass out downstairs rather than head on up to bed. She reached for her phone and realized that it wasn’t her alarm, it was a phone call. In fact, it wasn’t just any phone call, it was a phone call from James.
She answered the call and completely skipped all the pleasantries. “What the hell, James? Do you realize what time it is?”
“Yeah, it’s late. Sorry.” His words were slurred to oblivion.
“How drunk are you?”
“Too drunk to stop myself from calling you, but not drunk enough to make me forget I wanted to.”
“James…” Ellie’s heart fluttered to life at his words and she took a minute to push those feelings right back down where they belonged. “Can you get someone to drive you home?”
“I don’t know. Can you drive me home?”
She made an exasperated sound into the phone and stood. However long she’d been asleep, it hadn’t been long enough to sober her up. “No. I’m at home. I was asleep. Get someone where you are to drive you home.”
“I am where you are.”
“What?”
Someone knocked on her front door and she heard it on a slight delay through the phone. “Knock, knock, Ellie. Can I please come in?”
Totally on autopilot, she stormed to the door and flung it open and found James leaning against the wall, phone still to his ear.
“Hi, Ellie,” he said into the phone, then, when he realized that she was standing in front of him, a smile slithered across his face and he pointed at her. “There you are. Right. There.” He fumbled with his phone, disconnecting the call she had already disconnected and then shoved it into his pocket. “Can I come in?”
She sighed and grabbed his arm, enjoying the taut muscles dancing under her fingers despite her frustrations with him. “Yes,” she said, pulling him inside. “Come in.”
He stumbled forward, passing her, and she reached up to put her hands on his shoulders to guide him towards the couch. “I’m glad to see you,” he said. “I missed you the moment I left the cafe.”
She didn’t know if she should yell at him or feel sorry for him or just give in and fall completely head over heels in love with him. “I’m sure you didn’t, but that’s sweet of you to say.”
James sprawled out on the couch and opened his arms to her, frowning when she sat primly on the opposite end of the couch. “I can’t drive you home,” she said, ignoring his pouty face. “I’ve had too much to drink tonight, too.”
“Aha!” His eyes lit up like he’d caught her doing something bad. “See! You broke the promise, too.”
“But, James, I didn’t make the promise. I don’t have a problem with alcohol.”
“I don’t, either.”
“Oh, yeah? Which of us is so drunk he can’t get himself home safely? For the third time that I know of?”
James pondered her statement, his
handsome face creasing with concern. “I guess that’d be me.”
“And I get the feeling that you probably needed help getting home on other occasions and I just wasn’t there to know.”
“That’s probably true.” James leaned his head back on the couch. “I just need to be numb. I hate going home. Because it’s not a home anymore. It’s just a house. All the stuff that made it a home is gone.”
Ellie didn’t move. Didn’t breathe. Didn’t say a word. If James was about to talk about all the stuff he’d been holding inside, she wasn’t going to stop him. All the pain he’d been bottling had been poisoning him. It needed out.
“And it’s not like I was still in love with her when she called it off.” James lifted his head and his gaze settled on Ellie. Despite the slur in his words and the droop of his eyelids, Ellie could see that he was conscious of what he was telling her. He wasn’t spewing off some drunken speech that he’d forget in the morning. He knew what he was saying and who he was saying it to.
“But that doesn’t make it hurt any less,” she said, still afraid to move and break whatever spell he’d fallen under.
James shook his head. “Nope. And the betrayal of being cheated on? You haven’t been cheated on before.”
“No. Parasite Steve was the only long-term relationship I’ve ever had.” She almost finished that thought, almost said what was in her head and heart, but clamped down on the words before she could say him. Love can shatter you. I avoid it like the plague. “But I’ve experienced betrayal, it was different, but I know what it means when someone you love turns on you.”
“It rips your heart out, right? Shatters all you thought you had, destroys the way you saw your life. The way you saw yourself. I couldn’t even look at her after she told me. And here, I’d been faithful to her the entire time. Do the math, Ellie. We’d been together since middle school and I’d been faithful to her the entire time. Now, here I am, twenty-three years old and up until last month, I’d only been with one woman. And apparently, she’d been with her fair share of men.” Bitterness wreaked havoc on his face, twisting his features with pain. “What kind of man am I? Inexperienced like that?”
“I’m here to tell you that being with one woman didn’t hinder your ability in the sex department.” Ellie smiled and shifted in her seat, leaned into the arm of the couch. “You gave me the best orgasms I’ve ever had in my life. Three of them in one go, if I remember correctly.”
James shrugged and ducked his chin. That explains all the sleeping around. He was embarrassed by his fidelity. Well, not the actual fidelity, but the resulting lack of experience it brought him. And the drinking? If he mourned the loss of his home, did that mean he actually mourned the loss of the family he hoped to build? Was James a family man?
“Who betrayed you, Ellie?” She looked up, surprised by his question and found his eyes trained on her face. She didn’t talk about the betrayal. Ever. She didn’t want to give it power over her, by acknowledging the pain. Hadn’t even told Tessa. This pain was hers and she controlled it by locking it away and keeping it hidden deep inside her.
But James needed her to tell him. She could see it in his eyes. And if her honesty could help him, even a little, then maybe it’d be worth it to open this particular door she had locked up in her heart.
“My mom.” The words were raw and scraped their way out of a black pit in her belly. “My dad died when I was six. An accident at work. My mom loved him with her entire soul.” Ellie watched her fingers twine together as if they were someone else’s. “She combusted. Disappeared. I spent three days alone because I didn’t know what else to do. I just kept waiting for her to come home. The woman who finally did come home wasn’t my mom. She was hard and cruel.”
Ellie’s mouth clamped down on the rest of the story. The abuse that followed. The day her mom gave up for real and dropped her off at the foster center and disappeared. The years of foster homes with a whole rainbow of fruit flavors for parents. Even saying as much as she already had made her feel twitchy and open, empty and cold. Like she was that little girl all over again.
James sat up and pulled her into his arms. Kissed the top of her head, her forehead, each of her eyes and then swiped away the tears that were the first indication to her that she had started to cry.
“It’s a scary business,” he murmured. “Caring for someone.”
Ellie twisted so she could look into his deep eyes and she felt like she saw him. All of him. The hurt in his soul. The ache in his heart. The sweet man who felt like he needed to build a cage around himself so no one could get in and hurt him again. And for an instant, it felt like he could see the echo of all that in her. The two of them sitting, clear of all their armor, pain recognizing pain, and reveling in their sameness,
James kissed her. This wasn’t the kiss of passion and lust, this was communion. This was warmth. This was connection and empathy. Ellie closed her eyes and kissed him back.
He finally finished the kiss and Ellie swallowed hard, fighting tears. “I’m sorry I wasn’t nice to you today,” he said, his forehead pressed to hers. His hands on her face, his thumbs caressing her cheek. “But you scare the hell out of me.”
14
Ellie woke to the blaring of her alarm and couldn’t figure out where in the world she was. She’d fallen asleep on the couch, wrapped in James’s arms and she had expected to wake up in the same place. Except she was in her bedroom. Alone. Still in her clothes, but tucked under her covers with her phone plugged in and jangling away on her bedside table.
She fumbled around to get the thing unplugged and turned off. Shook her head to clear the cobwebs. Now that she was awake, she had a vague recollection of James carrying her upstairs and tucking her in. But why didn’t he just climb into bed with her? It’d been nice, all snuggled up next to him, feeling safe in his arms. She had shown him her scars and he had shown her his and then they’d curled up together and there was something good in being honest like that with someone. Something good about not hiding behind the mask she always wore.
She stopped in the bathroom and washed out her mouth before padding downstairs to make coffee. Normally, she had it all ready to go after setting the auto brew function the night before, but she hadn’t done it last night. Given that she had her morning routine down to a science and set her alarm so that she’d have exactly enough time to do what needed to be done and get out the door, she was gonna end up late to work this morning. Again. James had wreaked havoc on her schedule since that first night at Fantastic Sam’s.
The couch was empty when she got downstairs. Her heart did this funny little stuttering thing and her stomach hollowed out. She knew this feeling. She remembered it from when her mom used to stay for out days at a time, leaving her alone when she was just barely old enough to use the microwave, and then called her a needy brat when Ellie had the gall to tell her she had been scared. She remembered it from when her first foster dad told her that she would have to wear his younger daughter’s hand me downs, even though they were too small for her, because he wasn’t wasting his money on Ellie.
James Moore could go to hell. She spent years building up all the walls she had lowered for him last night and now he had the balls to disappear? With a heavy sigh, she wandered into the kitchen and found a note taped to the coffee pot.
Ellie-
This won’t work. Thanks for being willing to help me, but I think it’s best if we just call the whole thing off.
James
She balled the paper up in her fist and squeezed her eyes shut. Damn right it’s for the best. If he’s this big of a coward, if he’s this broken that he can’t handle a good thing when it falls into his lap, well, then good fucking riddance. She didn’t need this kind of shit in her life. She raced through her morning, guzzling her coffee when it finished brewing and burning her tongue. At least, with James out of her life, she could get back to going to sleep at a decent hour. Things could go back to normal. Maybe boring was good.
It w
as a Monday, so she didn’t have to worry about dealing with replacing Ben and her weekday cook had a key and was already getting things set up when Ellie finally arrived. She tried to bury her thoughts of James in busy work, but by the time she had messed up her third order and forgotten at least two of her most regular customers’ names, she gave up and called Tessa. She needed to talk it through. Needed the thoughts out of her head. Needed to hear Tessa to say good riddance to him, too. Ellie picked up her phone and tapped out a text.
You up? Free coffee if you come see me.
She knew Tessa wasn’t awake. The sun had only been up a few hours and Tess didn’t open her eyes until morning was well on its way to afternoon. She put the phone down and busied herself by reorganizing the pastry display for the fourth time that morning. After about twenty minutes that each spanned an entire lifetime, her phone buzzed with a return text.
You’re cruel. Coffee necessary. See ya in 10.
Ellie smiled and brewed a fresh pot of Tessa’s favorite blend. She would need at least two full cups of the stuff before she could even begin to focus on Ellie’s story, but that would give Ellie time to decide just how much she was going to share with Tess. Would it hurt Tessa’s feelings to know that Ellie had shared a piece of her past with James when Tess herself didn’t know about it? Probably.
Scratch that. Definitely.
“You’re a cruel and selfish woman,” Tessa said as she pushed through the door, her hair piled high on her head in a messy sports bun and dark sunglasses covering up her eyes. “And you’re lucky I love you.”
“Believe me,” Ellie said, waving the first cup of coffee towards Tessa. “I’m fully aware of just how lucky I am.” She waited until the caffeine worked its magic on her friend and then started filling her in on all that had happened with James, still trying to decide how to navigate telling her about last night.