by Olivia Lynde
His eyes are burning with pure rage and conviction, burning even through the thick veil of my grief. Then he draws my head down to his and kisses me everywhere on my tear-streaked face: soft, consoling kisses that help me fight free from the horrific clutches of my blood-soaked memories. When I try to draw back, he allows me a distance of a couple of inches only. His warm palms are cupped around my cheeks, and he's watching me with unflinching focus.
I whisper, "My night terrors are the memories of what I did. They repeated in an endless loop the first six months after my parents' death, and also during these last five years... And whenever else you're not sleeping beside me. Seth, my nightmares are my penance for my crime, and as awful as they are, I always thought they are far less than what I deserve."
"Sunny, you—"
"Let me finish," I plead.
He nods reluctantly.
"I live with this darkness inside me, Seth, and it never really goes away. You need to know that."
"But you never have nightmares when you sleep with me."
I smile sadly. "I figured out the reason for that years ago. Almost from the start. When I'm with you... you make me feel as if I was more. Better than I am, worthy of forgiveness, of happiness even, and safe as if no hurt can touch me... It's a fantasy, I know, but when I'm with you, my soul and my heart and my entire being believes it. And for that time at least, the darkness in me falls back. And there are no more nightmares."
"Sunny, you do deserve happiness! As for forgiveness... No one could hold what happened against you—it's only you blaming yourself. And you have to stop, baby. You have to forgive yourself. "
"I don't know that I can ever do that," I choke out.
"You have to, Sunny. I think that's the only way how you can heal. I wish to God that I could heal you forever instead of being just some temporary patch for your hurt. But only you can really heal yourself, baby."
"What if I can't?" Over my spluttering heartbeat, I ask, "Will you tire of me?"
Seth's poignant smile pierces me to the very depths of my soul. "Just you try getting rid of me, Sunny. Just see where that gets you."
My heart feels too small for the immensity of feeling that this one boy of all people in the world can awaken inside me. "Seth... That first night when you came into my room eleven years ago... I knew then. When we locked gazes and it was as if I could see your soul—I knew that we were each other's."
"It was the same for me," he admits somberly.
My lips tremble and new tears burn behind my eyelids, but I force them back and look at Seth as bravely as I can. "Can you love me still, now that you know what I did?"
His eyes become luminous with tenderness. "I can love you more. I'm proud of you because you're so strong. Because you survived something that would have broken someone weaker a thousand times over. Sunny—thank you for living and for coming into my life."
"I may have survived, but I am broken," I remind him sadly.
"No, Sunny, you're just a bit battered. We both are. Or if we're broken, that's only when we're alone. But now we're together, baby! And together, we're both whole."
I feel a new smile dawning on my face, and this one is true and bright and straight from my soul. "I love you, Seth."
And for his answer, I find myself pulled back to him and into a kiss that goes on forever. There's just him and me, and I'm happy—for one brief moment in time.
Before it all comes crashing down.
Chapter 30
The following night, we're lying in bed, tangled with each other. My head rests above his heart, which is still beating much too fast. A few minutes ago our one-hour-and-a-half long making out session came to a halt when I finally broke down and begged him to stop, I was done for and couldn't bear more of his unleashed sensuality. My skin feels so over-sensitized I think even the touch of a feather would drive me crazy right now, and the fire he's stoked so skillfully in my core, even though he's given me release, continues to smolder.
He's wrecked me utterly, but I'm consoled by the knowledge that I've done the same to him. And I am guilty and wretched because there's been no release for him.
I check my watch and see that it's already after midnight, and I groan at the thought of having to wake up early tomorrow for school.
I raise my head to meet my beloved's stormy blue eyes. "You know, Seth, this is a very interesting way of keeping to my usual pattern of not getting enough sleep at night." I grin. "And one that I prefer infinitely." Much more fun to lose sleep because of our bed play than because of my night terrors.
I start to slowly glide my left hand down his chiseled chest but notice that he's suddenly strung tight and rigid with a different kind of tension than before.
"Sunny... I meant to tell you. I'll have to drive to Grand Rapids this Friday after getting off work." His voice is husky with... remorse? I don't understand why, until he adds, "I'll be gone overnight, baby."
Not once, in all the years we've spent together since that time when he went alone to summer camp before third grade, did he ever willingly spend a night away from me. He doesn't mean to do so now... does he?
"That's okay, Seth. I can come with you and—"
"No, Sunny. I'm going alone." A long pause. "I'm so sorry, baby." And he does sound regretful... but no less determined.
My lips are still puffy after all our earlier kisses, but now they also feel as dry as scorched wood. I battle with dismay at not being included in his plans, fear because he's leaving me overnight... and weary acceptance that he has the right to do so. I can't expect him to stay superglued to my side every moment of every single day.
Still, I have to ask, "Why do you have to go?"
"It's for a job." Huskily, he adds, "Please don't ask any more questions, Sunny. I need you to trust me on this."
I trust him with everything. And I don't want to be the ball and chain around his ankles. Surely, Summer, you can survive without him for one freaking night! mocks my subconscious.
I take a deep breath. "It's all right, Seth. I'll be fine here by myself."
"You're not staying in this hellhole apartment by yourself!" he tells me fiercely. "It's too dangerous. Before I leave, I'll take you to a hotel."
"We don't have money for a hotel."
"Fucking money," he murmurs so quietly I know I wasn't supposed to hear. Then at normal volume: "You're staying at a hotel while I'm gone, Sunny. That's non-negotiable."
"Okay. How long?"
"Until Saturday afternoon." Another lengthy pause. "Can you last that long without sleeping?" he asks me grimly.
"Yes. I've done it before."
"I'm sorry, Sunny."
"I know." I stroke his stony, beautiful face. "It's all right, Seth. It will be all right."
* * *
It's Friday evening, and I'm in my hotel room in downtown Rockford. The silence and loneliness are nearly suffocating. I've become unused to being alone. Worst, I've become completely addicted to Seth. And now I have to do without him.
He called me a couple of hours ago to tell me he'd arrived in Grand Rapids. He sounded odd, distracted. Yet still worried about me.
My phone rings and I dive to it, excited to hear Seth's voice one more time tonight.
But it's not him.
I take the call. "Susan?"
"Super! You're not asleep yet. Sorry for calling so late."
"That's okay. Did anything happen?"
"No, nothing like that. It's just..." She pauses, then continues (too) brightly, "A couple of us girls want to go shopping tomorrow morning at the mall. Want to join us?"
"Umm..."
"Oh, I'm not the one driving—Tracy is—so you don't have to worry." I can hear the smile in her voice, and my lips curl up in response. Per Susan's own admission, put her in the driver's seat and she "goes bonkers". She loves speed and at least once every week at lunch, I hear her complain that she got another speeding ticket.
"That is reassuring, that it's not you driving," I tell her only h
alf-jokingly. "But really, there's nothing I need to buy..."
"Summer, it's the mall! You don't need a special reason for going to the mall! Come on, it'll be fun!"
I don't know about fun... but it's not like I have anything better to do. Quite the opposite, in fact, what with Seth being gone. Maybe an outing will help me get my mind off my worries. A light bulb lights up in my mind. Even better, maybe I can meet up with Seth in Grand Rapids after the trip to the mall, and we can drive back together.
"All right, Susan. I'm in."
"Yay! I finally got you to go shopping with us! My persuasion powers are like Jedi Master–grade."
I grin. "So is your modesty." Then, struck by a sudden suspicion, I ask, "Who else is coming?"
An infinitesimal hesitation. "Oh, just me, you know, and Tracy..."
"Yes..."
"And Mandy..."
"Okay."
"And... there's a tiny, smallish, itsy bitsy chance Elle might meet us there."
"Really, Susan? And you didn't think to mention that before?"
"Well, if I had, I couldn't have tricked you into saying yes," she points out with perfect satisfaction and just a smidge of shame. "You already agreed, so you can't back down now!"
"But Susan, did it have to be Elle?"
"I know, I know, Summer, but truth is she said she felt bad about being... you know, so mean and jealous of you, and wanted to apologize."
"Really."
"You'll give her a chance, Summer? Like, I know she's not the easiest person to get along with, but we've been friends since kindergarten, and she's different than you think. Pretty please, give her another chance!"
I sigh. "Let's just see how tomorrow goes, all right?"
"Yay! I promise you, Summer, we'll have the most super time!"
Somehow, I doubt it.
* * *
It's the first time I've ever gone shopping with girls my age, and saying that I'm feeling overwhelmed and swept over and helplessly caught in a veritable hurricane of shopping enthusiasm and proficiency would be an understatement. I can honestly say that Susan, Tracy, and Mandy could compete in the shopping Olympics and win, no sweat.
They've been like bunnies on batteries ever since we entered the mall three hours ago, and I've had my hands full just trying to keep up with them as they flitted from store to store, trying out the most outrageous (two thirds of the time) and beautiful (the rest of the time) clothes and buying almost half of them. They're laden with dozens of shopping bags and they've finally paused—thank goodness!—for breath. Or more accurately, for an early lunch; I don't think they need to breathe as long as they're shopping, but they do need sustenance to have the energy to go on.
The four of us are sitting at a table in the food court, eating salads, and I notice that Tracy is looking at me with something akin to admiration.
"Tracy, you're staring."
She shakes her head. "I'm sorry, Summer. It's just hard not to feel awe at your self-restraint. You've been at the mall for all of three hours, gone with us through dozens of shops, and yet you haven't bought a single thing. Mom would love to have you as her daughter."
I smile. "I think your Mom is happy enough with the daughter she already has."
"Besides," Mandy adds with a smirk, "Summer did buy something."
"Please!" Susan scoffs absentmindedly, frowning at her phone. "She bought something for her inamorato; that's got to be breaking all sorts of laws: buying something for your man but nothing for yourself!"
I don't know about breaking any laws, but I'm very happy with my one purchase. I've bought a keychain for Seth (he uses just a regular metal ring now for his keys), and it's nothing fancy, just the steel key ring linked to a leather key fob. But the leather is intricately crafted, with lots of swirling, interesting patterns—and if you look very closely, you can distinguish, right in the center of the model, a small heart-shaped form.
Mandy smiles wider. "Maybe in this case Summer's better served by making her—how'd you call him?—inamorato happy. Then he'll be making her a very, very happy girl in return."
"Ugh, I can't believe that traitor!" explodes Susan, slamming her phone on the table.
"Elle's still not answering her phone?" I ask. Susan's been calling her all morning.
"Straight to voice mail every single time. I can't believe she's stood us up! Especially when this trip was really her idea so she could make it up to you, Summer."
Make it up to me? Yeah right.
My phone pings with an incoming message. I open it and all blood drains from my face.
* * *
I'm at the address specified in the text message. I took a taxi to get here, which is a first for me and which cleaned me out of all the cash I had on me. But I had no choice if I wanted to find this place. And I did.
I enter the apartment building, go up one flight of stairs, and stop in front of the door marked No. 14. I raise my hand to knock but change my mind and just turn the door knob instead. The door opens.
My heart is a clawing creature twisting inside my chest, fluttering in an uneven rhythm. I try calling Seth one last time, but it goes straight to voicemail again. I forward him the message and pass through the door. I don't bother to close the door behind me.
I'm in a big, sunny living room. I see two doors: one to my right, closed, and one left half-open to my left. The pink, frilly bra lying on the floor is closer to the left door, so that's where I head.
Before the door, I pause... just for one moment. Then I push against it and it slides open with ease. I pass through it and into a large bedroom.
My eyes fall on the white, fluffy carpet first—the obscene backdrop to a haphazard trail of discarded clothes, which leads to the bed at the opposite side of the room. The male jeans and long-sleeved jersey on the floor I recognize.
The huge bed is another obscenity in the bright morning light, with its sheets all twisted and tangled as if they had been the battleground of a very physical war.
Our bed back home always looks that way in the mornings, when Seth and I rise up from it.
Only there are never any used condom wrappers lying on the floor beside our bed—unlike here.
On the bed, a beautiful, naked brunette stretches languorously and opens her eyes. On seeing me, a brilliant, cruel smile blooms on her face, and she slowly sits upright in bed. Then, even slower, she draws the sheet up to cover her naked breasts.
"Who are you?" she asks, still smiling.
"You know who I am. I got your text."
"I don't know what you're talking about," she says, not even bothering to try and sound sincere.
"Where's Seth?" I ask her calmly.
"Where do you think he is?" she retorts cattily, starting to comb her mussed hair with her fingers.
"I don't know. I haven't spoken to him today." I called him several times this morning to tell him about my trip with the girls, but his phone was turned off. The last time I talked to him was last night—when before we hung up, he told me that he loved me.
And here I am now. I came to Grand Rapids to make him a surprise. But the surprise's definitely on me.
"He went to buy me breakfast," the brunette purrs. "He's bringing it to me in bed."
"It's almost midday. Kind of late for breakfast."
Her smile stretches wider, the blood-red color of her lipstick quite a propos for this entire bloody mess, I think.
"We've had a busy morning," she says. "Seth's barely let me up for air, much less food." I shudder at the sliminess of her words. "The poor boy, he was so deprived of some good fucking. He fell on me like a starving beast."
It takes a supreme act of willpower to keep my monstrous fury in check and not jump her and crush her poisonous, sleazy smirk along with her face. I have to look away from her to try and regain a semblance of calm.
"You should get going now, midget," she prompts when I just stand there, wordless and unmoving. "Tick-tock, the clock's ticking. Your boyfriend will be back soon and you don't
want him to find you here."
I shudder again at her words. I turn and look straight into her hateful eyes. "Sure I do. The party isn't complete without him."
She jerks back in surprise but recovers swiftly. "Poor, pathetic midget, so useless at keeping her man satisfied. Don't you at least have a smidgeon of pride?"
"I do have pride. See how I haven't lowered myself to your level and scratched your eyes out?" Yet.
"How pathetic are you?" she launches at me full volume, her smile nowhere in sight now. "You're worse than a dog, still hanging around with your tongue lolling out, ready to throw yourself at your master's feet! Even though he's been cheating on you!"
"Why should you care if I'm being pathetic?"
"Is it any wonder he went looking for a real woman?!"
"I don't see any real woman in that bed. Just a whore."
"His whore," she replies with another smile, but this one noticeably brittle, "—and proud of it. Now that you know it, leave!"
"I don't want to leave."
That's unmistakably a look of panic in her eyes now. She jumps out of bed, wrapped in her sheet, and takes two steps toward me. "You stupid midget! He's been screwing around behind your back! Those are his clothes on the floor, he's fucked me all morning, he'll be back any second so we can fuck some more—and you're still here?"
"Maybe I want to make sure that there'll be no more screwing."
"He doesn't really want you, stupid cow! He needs someone like me to fulfill his needs. You should cut your losses before it's too late and you turn more pathetic than you already are!"
"You see, that's where you're wrong: I'm not stupid. And I'm not leaving until Seth gets here."
She's pale as marble now, her eyes glittering furiously. "Get the hell out of my house!"
"No. I have an invitation to be here." When she looks at me blankly, I add, "Your text message."
"Then I'm leaving," she says and makes to pass by me.