That she is alright.
My best friend is going to be just fine… and when she is, I really need to tell her about the cute guy named Emmett.
Leanne
Present day
I know it probably makes me a terrible person, let alone mother, but I’ve thought about receiving the news that Violet’s gone.
I’ve tried to mentally prepare myself for hearing those words.
I haven’t thought about it for years, but when she was younger and she was in and out of surgeries frequently, the thoughts consumed me.
I feel like a horrible person for admitting that – even if it’s only to myself.
I know Violet needs positive vibes right now, not negative ones, but the very thing I worried would happen to Violet, has actually happened to me.
I’ve become hardened. I try to hope for the best, but I always end up expecting the worst. Where Shaun looks at a situation and sees a half full glass, I see one that’s half empty. I look for dangers and problems where there are none.
Maybe hardened isn’t the right word, maybe I’m paranoid… I’m not sure how best to describe it.
I know full well what I have to lose, and I also know if I don’t hunt out the worst-case scenario, then nobody else will.
That’s my role – it’s my duty to my family.
I look for the worst and do my best to shield whoever I can from what comes of it.
There’s no shielding anyone from this though.
I can’t fix this.
And as hard as I’ve tried, there’s no way to prepare yourself for the very real possibility that your child might leave this earth before you do.
I can’t stop the worry of August and Charlie – that they might never see their sister smile again, I can’t comfort Lucy from the absolute nightmare that life without her best friend would be. There’s nothing I can do for Shaun as he sits there looking exactly the way I feel.
As much as it pains me… I can’t fix this.
“Mr. and Mrs. Miller?”
I know that she’s talking to me and I know I’m meant to respond – to acknowledge that it’s me she’s looking for, but I can’t.
I’m so filled with fear that I can’t even speak.
I’m being eaten alive by guilt. I should never have gone out and left her alone.
We’ve been here for what feels like forever and with every tick of the clock from the hall outside this room, I’ve blamed myself a little bit more.
If I had been home, we could have caught this earlier – we could have given her a better chance.
“Yes.” I don’t recognise Shaun’s voice – he’s gone into his robotic mode. I know it’s him though, he’s not moved from my side for even a moment. “That’s us.”
That mechanical voice is his coping mechanism. Mine is silence.
I don’t look up as a woman I assume is the doctor approaches us.
I can hear her feet tapping lightly against the flooring, but I can’t force my eyes to move up to meet hers.
She’s come to tell us one of two things – either Violet is alive, or she’s dead.
Until I know which of the two it is – I can’t even begin to consider moving.
Her shoes appear in front of us and I brace myself for whatever will happen next.
“Mr. and Mrs. Miller, could we talk a moment in private?”
I don’t want to talk to her in private, in fact I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do less than be shuffled off to some small, stuffy room where we’ll be told the fate of our daughter.
“You can speak freely – we’re all family here.”
This might be one of the worst moments of my life, but I couldn’t think of a better man to have at my side during it.
Shaun has his flaws, we all do, but he’s a good man and he knows me so well he doesn’t even need me to speak most of the time.
Like right now – if I could find a way to talk, I would have said exactly what he just has.
Rita, August and Charlie… they all deserve to hear whatever she’s going to say as much as the two of us do – they’re her family too.
Linda and Lucy might not be blood related, but they’re family nonetheless – they always have been, and if it weren’t for the two of them, Violet wouldn’t have made it inside this building alive today.
There’s no one here that Violet would want gone.
“Okay,” the doctor acknowledges.
I wish Dr. Ellis were here. She’s been with Violet through everything, if anyone could have saved my daughter’s life – it was her.
I don’t even know who the woman in front of me is, but I do hear what she says.
“I’m sorry, but due to Violet’s heart defect, she’s gone into what’s commonly known as heart failure, upon arrival in the emergency department she went into cardiac arrest, not only once, but twice...”
Violet
Present day
I’ve heard people say after a near death experience, that their life flashed before their eyes… that they had a moment of perfect clarity and peacefulness.
I’ve never believed any of that until this very second.
I know I’m not technically living right now.
My heart, once again, has stopped beating the way it should.
This isn’t the first time, and if I do make it through this, I doubt it will be the last, but it’s different this time than it has been in the past.
I’ve seen the light before. I was young, but I remember it. I’ve caught a glimpse of ‘the light’ every time I’ve been put under.
This is new though, today is the first time the light has taken me in.
The movie montage of my life that I’m watching isn’t at all what I expected to be presented with.
I expected – because I’ve contemplated death on multiple occasions, that I would see all of my most memorable moments, that I’d reminisce about things like my parents hugging me, or playing at the park with my brother and sister, my first kiss… or getting ice-cream with Lucy.
But that’s not what this is at all.
In some cruel twist of fate, I’m being shown all the things that I should have lived out after this moment.
My graduation, moving out of home, painting… even having a family of my own.
There’s a jolt to my heart at the sight of me holding a baby. Having a child of my own is something that I’ve always known wasn’t going to happen for me.
Even if I ever made it to that stage of my life – if I found a donor and my body accepted their heart, even if I found a man who accepted me and wanted to build a life with me, even then, the risk of carrying a baby would be too great for me.
And even though I know this is nothing more than a cruel dream, I still can’t take my eyes off the precious baby I’m holding.
My parents are grandparents – and we’re all standing in a field of daisies, and my siblings are staring adoringly at their niece.
She’s a girl… my baby is a girl.
The daisies, they’re everywhere, and I’m not even sure why I’m so fixated on them. Everything I’m seeing in front of me isn’t real, but for some reason, the daisies swaying in the wind seem significant to me.
I can hear my name being called and I focus as hard as I can on the sound.
The strong voice is familiar to me somehow, even though I’m certain I’ve never heard it before this moment.
It calls to more than my ears – it pulls at my soul.
“Violet.”
“Violet.”
“Violet.”
It’s calling to me still.
I try desperately to look around for the keeper of that voice, but I can’t move. I’m frozen – fixated on the twisted home movie playing out in front of me.
“Violet.”
I try so hard to call back to him – the man calling my name, but nothing comes out.
The light is dimming around me now and for the first time ever, I’m scared to die.
I’ve seen what my future should hold, and I want this life I’ve been shown so badly I can barely breathe. I want it all.
I want to hold my baby, I want more time with my family, and maybe more than any of that, I want to know who that voice belongs to; because I have a feeling it’s important.
I just want to live.
But I know damn well I’m not going to get to.
The darkness is closing in on me now and I know how my story ends.
This is it, right here in this hospital room, cold and sterile.
A face comes into view, in the one spot of light I have left, and my heart jolts violently in my chest once again.
I try to reach for him but it’s impossible. I will my mind to grasp onto anything it can, but it’s not working.
“Hold on for me, Violet,” he says. “Live.”
This man… he has the most breath-taking dark blue eyes, and they’re the only thing I see as the darkness takes over.
I suck in a deep breath and my eyes fly open in panic as I desperately gasp for air.
I don’t know where I am.
I don’t know where people go when they die.
All I know is I didn’t expect this; I didn’t expect to feel in pain, or to still feel so grounded.
My eyes are blurry, like I’m trying to look through a thick layer of fog and I can’t make out my surroundings.
It’s unnerving and I don’t like it.
God, I’m in so much pain, I feel like I’ve been ripped in half and put back together all wrong.
“Help me.” I try to scream, but my voice barely comes out as a whisper.
I don’t even sound like me.
Maybe I’m not me anymore.
If this is what there is after life as we know it, then I long for the peace in the darkness.
I squeeze my eyes shut and beg the universe for nothingness, for a black hole of nonexistence to take me and hold me tight.
I hear a shrill alarm sound, once, twice, three times… as I chant internally for this to be over, for the next stage of death to take me swiftly.
I hear what sounds like feet running; slamming against a hard floor, I hear murmured voices that make no sense to me before everything fades into blackness once more.
“Live, Violet.” I hear his voice in my mind once again, and as badly as I want to live for him, I know he’s too late.
I let out a satisfied sigh as I let the darkness take me once more.
Leanne
Present day
It’s been over a week since Violet was brought in to the emergency room, and I’ve still not forgiven myself for not being there for her when she needed me most.
Linda, Shaun, Rita and even Auggie and Charlie have spent countless hours with me, trying to convince me that it wasn’t my fault – that I can’t spend my life locked away in that house any more than Violet can, but I can’t let it go.
I’m her mum and it’s my responsibility to take care of her – no matter how old she is.
There’s a light knock at the door and I smile at the young woman who has always been like a daughter to me as she enters the room.
She cares for Violet as much as I do, and I’m so grateful they’ve had each other all these years.
She’s carrying a bunch of bright pink roses. She’s brought in a new assortment every single day – it’s going to look like a florist threw up in here when they finally wake Violet from her sleep.
“Any update?” she asks me quietly.
This is the first day I’ll be able to give her any news actually worth hearing.
“All going well, they’ll try and bring her out of it on Wednesday.”
They’ve been keeping Violet in a medically induced coma. Her body, her heart, her brain… it all needs time to rest and heal.
It’s been tough seeing her like this, but I know it’s for the best.
When she wakes up again I don’t want her to be disorientated or in pain like she was when she first woke. That was one of the more horrific experiences of my life, and given all I’ve seen, that’s saying a lot.
So, if it means that I don’t get to hear her speak, or see her open her eyes for a few more days, then so be it.
This isn’t about me after all, this is about her.
I know Lucy is scared, hell, we all are… but I can’t imagine what she’s gone through, seeing what she had to see. She’s only twenty-one herself and she’s had to deal with so much this past week.
I know she wouldn’t change Violet for the world, but it can’t always be an easy thing – having a best friend with a condition like this.
Lucy doesn’t reply, she just sits down the vase she’s holding and comes over to hug me.
“I never thanked you,” I say as I release her and she sits herself down in the seat next to me.
She reaches forward and gives Violet’s hand a quick squeeze hello.
“Thank me for what?”
“For everything you did for her.”
She shakes her head at me, the same amused smirk on her face that Violet has when she thinks I’m being ridiculous.
“You did thank me. Twice actually.”
“Not properly.”
“You did. And you don’t need to thank me. She’s my best friend; it’s the least I could have done. Besides, Mum’s the one who did all the hard work anyway… I think all I did was bawl my eyes out and scream at Letty to hold on.”
I might not have been there, but I can picture it so clearly – the panic, the screams… the fear.
I know that Lucy did everything she could – there’s more than one way to keep a person alive, and I know that her being there would have helped Violet hold onto life a little bit longer – to fight a little bit harder.
“She wouldn’t have wanted to let you down, I bet that’s what kept her going.”
“You’re giving me too much credit,” she replies with a roll of her eyes.
She really is so much like my daughter – they’ve grown up together and they share so many quirks they’re probably not even aware of.
“I spoke to that good-looking young man again today.” I glance at her reaction out of the corner of my eye.
“You sound so old when you say things like that.” She giggles, but she’s not getting away with the change of subject so easily.
Violet might not be up for interrogating her about the new guy on the scene, but I certainly am.
“He came up to see how Violet was doing.”
“That was sweet of him.”
It was sweet of him, and I’m sure he does genuinely care, but I can’t imagine he checks up on every patient that he brings into the hospital the way he has Violet.
I have a pretty good feeling that the reason for his frequent visits are mainly due to the pretty blonde sitting next to me.
“So, when’s he taking you out?”
“Leanne!” she mock scolds me. “As if I’d even consider going out on a date with Letty lying here like this.”
She’s called Violet ‘Letty’ for as long as she’s been able to talk. She’s the only one who does it – it’s a special thing between the two of them.
“Well I’ll tell you one thing, Lucy Reynolds, the minute she wakes up and finds out about that boy, she’s going to be pissed off you didn’t go out with him sooner.”
She laughs and nods her head. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes, both of us watching the young woman in front of us with so much more life to live.
“I miss her,” she whispers as she shuffles her chair closer to me and rests her head on my shoulder.
I’m grateful for it – we both need the comfort right now I think.
“Do you think she’ll be okay when she wakes up?”
It’s the same question I’ve asked myself at least one hundred times over. There’s no telling what damage has been done during this ordeal – no matter how confident the doctors are.
“They think she’ll be just f
ine.” I lean my head down to rest against hers. “We’ve just got to listen to her doctors; it’s all we can do.”
“They’ve got her this far I guess,” she whispers.
I might not be willing to believe anything until I see it with my own eyes, but she’s right. Doctors might not get it right all of the time, but this one, she got it right for Violet this time.
I’ve held Dr. Ellis up on such a high pedestal for the longest time, I’m still having trouble adjusting to the fact that she’s now in good company up there.
There are so many people who contributed to saving my daughter that day, but the doctor who saved Violet’s life is the one I’m most grateful for. Dr. White literally brought her back from the dead.
The words she spoke to us over a week ago are still as fresh in mind as they were the moment she spoke them.
“It was touch and go for a couple of minutes there, but we managed to get her back.”
I recognised the woman as soon as I lifted my head and laid eyes on her. I couldn’t recall where I knew her from, but I was certain this wasn’t the first time I’d seen her.
Regardless of who she was, I knew that I owed her my life. She saved my daughter, and whether or not it’ll be plain sailing from here on out or not is irrelevant – for now, Violet is alive.
Violet
2009 (Sixteen years old)
“Violet, this is Dr. White, she’s a cardiologist who is new to the hospital, would you mind if she sits in on our appointment today?”
I glance up at the newbie. She’s got wildly curly hair that I bet is an absolute nightmare to brush, and pretty brown skin and eyes.
She looks harmless enough I guess.
“Sure, why not? I can play circus animal.”
I’m feeling extra snarky today for some reason. My moods are often up and down, but lately they seem to be down more than they’re up. That’s probably the reason Mum booked me in for this appointment a bit earlier than it was required.
I see my doctor at least every six months, and I usually see a cardiologist and my cardiovascular surgeon once a year as well.
My Heart Needs (The Heart Duet Book 1) Page 7