by Eric Bower
“I agree,” P said proudly, with diamonds shimmering in his eyes.
“I agree,” M said, with a diamond inspired grin.
“I agree,” said Rose Blackwood, whose fingers traced the picture of the Wish Diamond in the book.
“GLURK!” I said.
Vice President Morton frowned at me.
“Glurk?” he repeated.
“Is that an agreeing GLURK or a disagreeing GLURK, W.B.?” P asked.
“W.B., dear, why is your face turning blue?”
“GLURK!”
Vice President Morton looked down at his candy dish.
“Goodness,” he said. “Has someone been eating my decorative rocks?”
I Thought It Was a Hairy Baby
After Rose had whacked me on the back hard enough to get me to spit up some of the decorative rocks I’d swallowed, Vice President Levi P. Morton made us swear that we wouldn’t tell anyone about our secret treasure hunt. He didn’t want the world to know that the Vice President of the United States was trying to raise money for the country by searching for a pirate thief’s sunken loot.
“Here is a map to the island,” he said, handing P a rolled up piece of parchment paper. “And, please, Barons, be very careful. There are all sorts of dangerous animals in the surrounding waters, like sharks and electric eels and rockfish and swordfish and possibly even gunfish. There are also rumors that the entire area is haunted by Captain Affect’s pirate curse. So be on the lookout for ghosts.”
I couldn’t help but smirk. A pirate curse? Ghosts? Really? The Vice President of the United States actually believed in ghosts? That sounded sillier to me than a claustrophobic gopher. I looked to my parents to see how they’d respond.
“I don’t believe in ghosts,” M told the Vice President. “In fact, none of us do.”
“Good, yes, very good,” said Vice President Morton with an enthusiastic nod. “And when you see the ghosts, be sure to tell them that. It’ll confuse them.”
We all shook hands, and, after I had promised to replace the Vice President’s decorative rocks that I’d swallowed, we quickly left his office and bumped into a very annoyed-looking Veezlefayce.
Actually, I can’t really say for certain if he was annoyed or not. I was sort of getting the impression that his face just looked that way. I’ll bet he was annoyed looking even as a weasel-faced baby.
“I will lead you out, Barons,” he told us with an annoyed looking smile. “And do not tell anyone about this meeting. Tell no one! Once you have found the treasure and returned home, we will meet you at the Baron Estate and collect the treasure from you. That means that you are not to come back here. Do not come back here! Have a lovely day. A lovely day!”
Mongo and Knuckles were waiting for us outside with our blindfolds, which they slipped over our heads one at a time. Once we were back in the carriage, my parents and Rose began to excitedly discuss possible inventions and ideas that could be used to find Captain Affect’s sunken treasure.
“What about the Super-Grabber Device that you invented last week, Mrs. Baron?” Rose suggested. “We could sail a ship to the island and use the Super-Grabber to search for the treasure, and then pull it from the sea.”
“I don’t know about that,” M said doubtfully. “How would we be able to see what we’re searching for? We would need to attach some sort of super powered lantern to the Super-Grabber Device. Plus, the Super-Grabber Device isn’t waterproof, and I don’t think it’s strong enough to pull a treasure chest out of the water. Hmmmm . . .”
“Oh! What if we used the Big Magnet to find the treasure?” Rose suggested.
“We can’t use the Big Magnet; gold isn’t magnetic,” M told her. “Besides, we got rid of the Big Magnet because it was way too powerful, remember? The last time you used the Big Magnet, it caused that huge earthquake in Japan.”
“We weren’t going to mention that again,” P said quietly. “There are still a lot of angry Japanese people who are asking questions . . .”
“Oh, that’s right,” M said as she nodded.
“Yes, let’s keep thinking.”
“Hmmm . . .” they all hmmmed together as they thought.
I hmmmed too, even though I wasn’t trying to come up with a way to find the treasure. I didn’t see the point in trying. After all, I had the least scientific brain out of all of them. Why should I even bother attempting to think of an idea? My parents were geniuses, and Rose Blackwood had already learned a lot from them by being their assistant. I knew nothing, other than the best way to deep fry a slice of pie. I was about as scientific as a turnip.
“We could catch a shark and train it to search for treasure,” P said. “I mean, if you can train a dog to roll over and play dead, then why can’t you train a shark to hunt for treasure?”
My father loves animals, and is always looking for any excuse to have a new pet, no matter how odd or dangerous that pet might be. If we ended up catching a shark and training it to search for treasure, then there was a very good chance it would end up living in our bathtub at the Baron Estate.
M and Rose politely suggested that they continue trying to think of another idea.
“Hmmmmm . . .” they all hmmmmmed.
“They sound like bees,” Mongo whispered to Knuckles.
“Bees make honey,” Knuckles whispered back knowingly.
Maybe it was because I was wearing a blindfold and had nothing to look at to distract me, or maybe it was because the long carriage ride was bumpy and had jolted my brain in a funny way, or maybe it’s because I had almost died choking on fake jelly beans, but something weird happened in my mind that doesn’t normally happen.
I had a sort of scientific idea.
Sort of.
“What about your little underwater ship?” I asked P. “You invented a little underwater ship at the same time that you invented the little winged flying machine that we flew around the world after we shrunk ourselves, remember? Why don’t we use the underwater ship to search for the sunken treasure?”
“The underwater ship?” my mother repeated. “But that ship is so tiny, W.B. It’s a miniature. We couldn’t fit into that unless we shrunk ourselves to the size of squirrels again. And it would be too dangerous to travel under the sea in a ship that small. We’d likely be swallowed by a hungry fish.”
“Right,” I said. “But what if we made the little underwater ship bigger?”
“Bigger?” my father asked, suddenly sounding quite intrigued.
“Yes. Bigger. You already invented something that shrinks people to the size of squirrels and then returns them to their normal size. Couldn’t you invent a machine that would simply make something bigger than usual? Something that could transform a little toy ship into a real ship? A Bigging Machine?”
For a moment no one spoke. I could tell they were all thinking about my suggestion and how they could shoot it down as a bad idea. They rarely used my ideas, but that’s only because they were usually so terrible. But this one was different. I don’t know if it was a particularly good suggestion, but it was definitely different.
“You know,” my mother finally said, “that’s a really interesting idea. A Bigging Machine to make things bigger. We could travel to the coast carrying the little underwater ship with us in our luggage. And then, once we’ve reached the sea, we can use the Bigging Machine to make the underwater ship bigger, and then use that to explore the waters surrounding the island! W.B., you’re a genius!”
I burped up a decorative rock.
“Wait a minute,” Rose Blackwood said. “I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Is that even possible? Can you invent something like that, Mr. Baron?”
“Hmmm?” my father said. “Oh, I already did. I had some spare parts in my vest pockets, so after W.B. suggested the Bigging Machine, I quickly invented it. If my calculations are correct, it should work w
ithout a problem.”
“Are you serious?” asked Mongo, sounding more dumbfounded than usual. “You invented a Bigging Machine with your eyes blindfolded? That sounds impossible.”
“Hey, are you still wearing your blindfold?” Knuckles demanded.
“Can’t you tell?” Rose asked.
For a moment, neither of the big men spoke.
I burped up another decorative rock.
“Wait a minute,” M said to the goons. “Are you two wearing blindfolds as well?”
“. . . Maybe.”
“Then how do you know we aren’t peeking?” Rose asked. “Shouldn’t you be keeping an eye on us to make sure we keep our blindfolds on?”
I heard a quick rustling noise, which sounded very much like two large gorillas quickly pulling off their blindfolds.
“Of course we ain’t wearing blindfolds,” Knuckles said indignantly. “What do you think we is, stupid or something?”
We thought it would be best not to answer him.
The carriage arrived at the Baron Estate shortly after that, and my family and Rose quickly climbed out. Mongo and Knuckles waved goodbye to us with their blindfolds, before their carriage carried them away.
“Let’s test it,” M said.
“Test what?” P asked.
I burped up yet another mouthful of decorative rocks.
Sheesh, how many of those things did I swallow?
“The Bigging Machine,” Rose said impatiently. “We should make sure it works before we try it on the underwater ship.”
“Ah yes,” P said, as he began to look around our large property. “What should I test it on first? Hmmmm, decisions, decisions . . .”
“How about that fence?” I suggested, pointing to the white picket fence that lined our yard.
P took his Bigging Machine, which looked a bit like a mechanical toothbrush for fish, and pointed it at the fence. He flipped a switch, and a bright blue light shot out of the end of the machine.
“Oops.”
We all screamed.
The Bigging Machine worked perfectly.
However, there was a bit of a problem with my father’s aim. He’s a lousy shot. In fact, he’s quite possibly the lousiest shot in the world. There’s a reason why my mother refused to let him carry a pistol, or a rifle, or a bow and arrow set, and why he wasn’t allowed to throw peanuts into the air so that he could try to catch them in his mouth (the last time he did that, he ended up in the hospital for six weeks, and almost had his left ear amputated). M said that P once tried to shoot a tin can off a fence post with a sling shot, and he ended up shooting himself in the back of the head. Twice.
When P fired the Bigging Machine, he missed the fence entirely, and instead he hit a bug. The bug then grew to the size of a small building. And it was not happy about that.
After the giant bug chased us around the Baron Estate for about an hour, Rose finally had the idea to sneak into the work garage and find my father’s Shrinking Invention. She pointed the Shrinking Invention at the bug and shrunk it back to its normal size. Then, we chased the bug around the yard for close to an hour, just to show it what it felt like. Once we had finished showing the bug what it felt like to be a bug, we decided to go inside.
P opened the front door and walked into the house. He immediately fell up to the ceiling.
The Gravity-Switcher-Ma-Thinger had been turned on again. There was only one person in the house who could have done that, and it had most likely been a terrible accident. That person was the only person living in the Baron Estate who had less interest in science and inventions than me. She was a person who was constantly upset by everything, a person who screamed at the drop of a hat (I’m dead serious—do not drop your hat in front of her), a person who was a world champion weeper . . .
“Finally!” cried a plum-faced Aunt Dorcas. “Help me! I’ve been stuck up here for the past six hours, and I really need to use the bathroom!”
While P and M went to their garage to study the map that the Vice President had given them, Rose and I cleaned up the mess in the living room. Aunt Dorcas went to her bedroom to sit up. She wanted to lie down, but all of the blood in her body had rushed to her head from crying and screaming on the ceiling for over six hours. It had turned her head bright purple. Aunt Dorcas was a very eggy looking woman, and having a purple head didn’t really suit her. It probably wouldn’t suit most people, come to think of it, unless of course your hair happened to be a fetching shade of blue.
“Isn’t this exciting, W.B.?” Rose said to me as she swept. “A real life treasure hunt! And for the Vice President of the United States, too! We can actually save the country with our inventions.”
“Yes. Ow!” I responded.
I said “yes” because I agreed that it was exciting. I said “ow” because I tripped over my shoelaces and landed on my face.
I should mention again that I actually am the clumsiest kid in the country. It’s true. I expect to be given an award for it someday, a fancy trophy with a kid slipping on a banana peel at the top.
“Be careful, kiddo,” Rose said to me with a smile.
“It’s very exciting,” I told her. “I’ve read about underwater ships in some of my adventure novels. They’re called ‘submarines.’ The people who travel in them are able to see all sorts of amazing things under the sea. It’s a whole different world down there, a world that we know very little about. It’s going to be an amazing adventure.”
Rose and I put up both of the bookcases, which, surprisingly enough, weren’t too damaged after dropping from the ceiling three times. There was a dent in one of them, but that wasn’t from the floor; it was from when it landed on my head. M often tells me I have the hardest and strongest skull she’s ever seen. I’ll probably be given an award for that after my award for clumsiest kid. It’ll be a trophy with a kid on top who has a cannonball for a head.
“It’s an exciting adventure,” Rose Blackwood continued, “but at the same time, I have to admit that I’m a little nervous about it.”
“I’m not nervous. I’m just excited.”
“You’re really not nervous at all?” she asked. “Really? Doesn’t it seem rather dangerous to you, being trapped in that little metal ship underwater? What if it springs a leak? Or what if we run out of oxygen? Or what if we’re attacked by a large sea creature, like a giant squid, or a giant eel, or a giant shark, or a giant cod? We’d be helpless.”
None of those thoughts had occurred to me. Suddenly, I wished that my mind hadn’t come up with the idea of a Bigging Machine. That’s why I preferred not to think. Thinking always seemed to get me into trouble.
You know what creature never really thinks or comes up with scientific ideas? A slug.
Have you ever heard of a slug getting itself into trouble with a scientific idea?
Of course you haven’t.
“Okay, now I’m nervous. I don’t want to go anymore. Why do people actually listen to my stupid ideas? What’s wrong with all of you? How can we get out of going?”
Rose laughed, tousling my hair. “We can’t. You heard Vice President Morton. Our country needs us to be heroes. We have to be brave.”
I looked down at the medal I had pinned to my vest. That medal was given to me by Sheriff Hoyt Graham, a man who I used to idolize. According to the many books that had been written about him, Sheriff Graham was a fearless hero who fought off countless dangerous villains. In real life, however, he was a coward who had trouble fending off skunks. He gave me the medal after he told me that I was his hero for helping to capture Benedict Blackwood, the worst criminal in the country. The medal said “WORLD’S GREATEST GRANDMA.”
Sheriff Graham had never learned to read.
But even though I wasn’t a grandma (and even if I was, I probably wouldn’t be the world’s greatest), I still took a lot of pride in that medal. I looked at
it when I needed to be reminded that I could be heroic and brave.
We went to our rooms to pack our suitcases for the trip to the island. I wasn’t sure what to bring, so I packed all of my clothes and underclothes, my shoes, my toothbrush, my pillow and blanket, my kerosene lantern, a comb, a pencil and a pad of paper, six of my books, three wheels of cheese, four loaves of bread, eighteen bars of chocolate, nineteen pieces of taffy, twenty chocolate chip cookies, nine apple tarts, and a blackberry pie I’d baked the day before.
Rose came into my room and showed me what she’d packed for the trip: a single change of clothes, her bathing suit, her bathing cap, and her toothbrush. All of her things fit neatly into one little handbag. I could barely fit all of my things into a big steamer trunk. I was pretty sure that I had crushed the blackberry pie, and that my socks and underwear would now be soggy and delicious, but it was too late to repack everything. Plus I didn’t want to.
“That’s all you’re bringing?” I asked her. “We might be gone for weeks.”
She thought about that for a moment.
“You’re right. I might need a second bathing suit.”
We brought our luggage downstairs and placed it alongside M and P’s trunks and suitcases. P used his Shrinking Invention to shrink our luggage, which made it much easier to carry. We placed our luggage into the palms of our hands and walked outside.
“How are we getting to the shore?” I asked.
P pulled out the little winged flying machine that we had used to fly around the world several months earlier. P and M had called it an “Air Oh! Plane”, because you used it to fly through the “air,” which was so exciting that it made you cry out “Oh!”, and to be perfectly honest, I never really understood the “plane” part. But there you have it.
He set it on the ground and pointed his Bigging Machine at it and then pressed the bigging button.