“Violet?”
“Toby,” she sighed as she tilted her head to one side and studied me.
“W-what are you… are you doing here?” My cracked, bloodied, swollen lips bounced off each other when I spoke.
“I can barely look at you without wanting to cry right now. I brought you to the hospital as soon as I found you on the street.”
“What were you...?” I blinked and shook my head. “Did Lilac see?”
“No,” Violet told me quickly. “She wasn’t with me.”
“Is she safe?”
Violet’s eyes turned sadder, if that was even possible, and her sympathetic smile could have been patronising, but it wasn’t. If anything, it made me feel cared for by a woman I barely knew.
“She’s safe, Toby. I dropped her off at home. It was her who made me turn back around for you. She said she had a funny feeling in her stomach. She said she knew you were lying to her about something and asked if I would go back and find you and take you home while she went to bed.”
“How did… how did she…?”
“I don’t know.” Violet shrugged.
I dropped my chin to my chest and looked down at my bloodied clothes. My tailored suit trousers were stained with the night’s decisions and my enemies’ revenge. Lifting my hands up in front of me, I studied the dried blood.
“Did you know this would happen to you tonight?” she asked me softly.
“I thought it might.”
“Then why on earth would you choose to walk home?”
“I wanted it to be over.”
“What to be over? Have these boys been threatening you?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
“Your daughter is special. She attracts some of the wrong people’s attention through no fault of her own. I was keeping her safe by dealing with those people.”
“By taking a beating for her?” She raised a brow.
“It’s not that heroic. I took that beating for myself. Those guys got their revenge. It’s over. Lilac won’t have to worry about them anymore. I won’t have to worry about her so much, either. I did it for me, too.”
Violet leaned forward, apparently concerned. “You’re not making sense. What don’t I know, Toby?”
“What Lilac doesn’t want you to know, I suspect.”
“Should I be worried?”
“No.” I shook my head again. “I’ll always keep her safe. I promise.”
“And who’s going to keep you safe?”
“Karma?” I smirked crookedly.
“The police are on their way, you know,” she hit back. “This isn’t just getting brushed under the carpet. I saw those boys. I know who they are. I’m not walking away from you until this is reported.”
“The police will just make it worse. All I need is to go home, get some rest, stay clear of Lilac for a while until my bruises have faded—”
“Wait. A. Minute,” she ground out, sitting back in her chair. “You aren’t suggesting I keep this from her, are you?”
“I was hoping you’d agree, yeah,” I said quietly.
“Toby…”
“Please, Violet. It’s over now.”
“Until next time?”
“There won’t be a next time.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because… there was a witness. You. You were there. Joel will know it’s because of me that you haven’t hauled him to the police station and pushed him in front of his father. I’ve got something on him now. If he does it again, we’ll string him up.”
“Why not this time? Why wait until a second time to punish him for what he’s already done?”
“Because sometimes life’s a game we have to play. I don’t want Lilac to know anything bad happened. If the police get involved, it will ruin the perfect night we had together at prom. This…” I gestured to my body, “will take over. She’ll forget about the dancing. The laughs. The…”
I trailed off, not wanting to say the word ‘kiss’ in front of Lilac’s mum.
Violet’s small smile broke free, and she slowly shook her head and folded her arms over her chest.
“Toby Hunter,” she sighed.
“I know. I’m an idiot.”
“I hear young love does that to a boy.”
Swallowing down the lump in my throat, I quickly tried to clear it away and act as though I hadn’t even heard that.
“How did you get so mature so young?” she asked me.
“Just lucky, I guess.”
“No. Children only mature like this when they’ve had to survive.”
Again, I had nothing to say. Nothing that wouldn’t start a pity party I didn’t want to attend.
“So, you’ll keep it from her? From Lilac?” I asked, changing the subject.
“For now. But we’re going to have to tell your mother. She’s going to have a heart attack.”
“My mum understands. She’s always telling me to do the right thing.”
EIGHT
Lilac
I knew something had been wrong with Toby when we drove away from him that night. I just hadn’t realised that that something had been me. Mum told me she’d found him at the beach, sitting on one of the benches outside the pier cafe, staring out to sea. They’d sat together for a couple of hours, talking about the night, and then she’d driven Toby home.
“Did he say anything about me?” I asked her.
“Of course.” She smiled. “He spoke so highly of you, Lilac.”
“Then why can’t I get hold of him? Why isn’t he answering my calls?”
“Give him time. Sometimes boys get a little scared when they feel so much, so young.”
“Toby isn’t scared of anything or anyone.”
“Everyone’s secretly a little bit scared of their own heart. Even the bravest of men.”
That had been weeks ago. I’d not spoken to him since. Every time I ventured next door, his mum would answer and tell me he was busy. She didn’t hide the fact that she was trying to get rid of me. She’d get him to call me, was all she said. Only he never called. He never peered around the edges of his curtain. They remained closed now. Everything had shut down within him, pushing me away.
The summer holidays passed by slowly. The first agonising week of rejection made my stomach twist so severely, I was permanently nauseous. The taunting dreams of his kiss would make me jolt awake in a cold sweat with fond memories lingering in my mind, my breasts swollen, and a weird tingling sensation between my legs.
My body missed him.
My eyes missed him.
Hands, too.
My nose craved his scent.
My mouth, mind, and heart were all temporarily out of order. At least I hoped it was temporary, but hope was cruel at times. It refused to let you live in the truth and acknowledge the harsh reality of each new day.
I was becoming the one thing I detested: cynical.
One week turned to two, then three, and then four before I got the first glimpse of him walking along Southwold’s promenade with his mum. Cheryl and I were on the edges of the sand, laying on a collection of towels when I heard her gasp and warn me not to look up at the pastel-coloured chalets that lined the pathway above us. Of course, I looked straight up at him. He didn’t see me. His eyes were focused solely on his mum who appeared to have been crying. Her face was pale and grey, her body hunched over as she looped her arm through Toby’s and walked beside him.
It was a hot day that day. The heat, blistering. He was wearing cargo shorts and a white T-shirt that showed off his tanned skin, and I had to wonder how it got so tanned when I’d never seen him outside of his house in the last month. Had he even been living there at all?
As his mother and he drifted on by, I struggled not to jump up from the sand, reach out to grab him and pull him close.
I spun around on my knees and let my eyes drift to the parts of his face I could see. The parts that weren’t hidden by his big, dark sunglasses. I frowned as I
noticed the signs of faded bruising around his neck, and my attention quickly drifted to his legs, which looked to have the same mottled problem.
“Cheryl?” I said as he drifted away, leaving his back to me. “Did you see those bruises on Toby?”
Her head whipped back around in his direction, and she frowned like it hurt to concentrate. “Lilac, I can’t see shit. I looked directly into the sun thirty seconds ago, and now everyone looks like a bright ball of light with legs.”
I slapped her gently on the shoulder. “You’re useless.”
She spun back around on her bum to face me, watching as I studied Toby from behind, disappearing, fading away like he hadn’t been real in the first place.
“You okay, babe?”
I sighed. Hard. I wasn’t okay. I was pathetic. I was hurting.
“I’m fine,” I lied.
“You miss him?”
“I thought he was different.”
“He probably is.”
“Then why is he behaving like this? Why is he ignoring me? After the night we had together at prom, how can he just switch his feelings off like I don’t even exist?”
“Maybe he’s got bigger problems to worry about.”
“Like what?” I frowned, looking to find him again, but feeling the twist of an invisible knife in my gut as I realised he’d gone for good… again. “What is keeping him from me?” I whispered.
Cheryl fell back into place on her towel, spreading her body out to accept the sun’s rays upon her skin.
I did the same, staring up at the sky, wishing I’d rushed to say hi to him.
“Don’t lose yourself to all this, Lilac,” she warned me under her breath.
“I won’t.”
“You already have.”
Her fingers danced across the sand until they found mine and curled around them. Both of us were staring upwards. Some conversations were better off without eye contact.
“What’s meant to be, will be. If fate has decided he’s yours, there ain’t nothing either one of you can do to stop that. It might take time. It might not happen the way you imagined when you were younger and hopeful. But it will happen. And if he’s not meant to be yours, it means someone better is out there waiting for you.”
“Like who?”
“Hey,” came a voice that didn’t belong to either Cheryl or me.
I lifted my head up and put my hand over my eyes to get a better view. When I saw his familiar smile, I found myself smiling right back.
“Chris!” I cried. I pushed up, dusted the sand off my hands and knees, and I gave him a hug.
I was only wearing a string bikini, and Chris was in his swim shorts, but it wasn’t until my breasts pressed against his chest, and I felt his strong hands fall into place at the small of my back that I realised just how intimate and wrong that hug was. But he was the closest connection I had to Toby, and suddenly close didn’t seem close enough. I squeezed him before I pulled away and bounced on the balls of my feet.
“It’s so good to see you.”
Chris’s eyes were wide as he pushed back his much shorter than usual red hair. His freckles had become more prominent with the sun, but it seemed his muscles had, too. His biceps were growing, and his chest seemed… hard.
“You, too, Lilac.”
“Here on your own?”
“No, I’m with a friend.”
“Which friend?” I asked far too keenly.
“Not the one I think you want me to be with.”
I licked my lips and pushed my hair back, suddenly embarrassed.
Cheryl took over the conversation for a while after that. I assumed because I was a terrible actress. I heard them speaking. I heard words. But every other word they said was interrupted by my mind shouting Toby’s name.
Toby.
Oh, how I wished I could go back to the days of a camera and some flowers being enough to fill my soul. But Toby had squeezed his way in there and was taking up the most significant corner of the room. Even the daffodils in my heart all turned in his direction, consumed by his presence. Nothing else stood a chance.
“You girls got plans tonight?” Chris asked.
“Huh?” I blinked back to reality.
He looked straight into my eyes and smiled a charming smile. Chris was cute in his own way. He’d make some girl happy one day if he lost all that uncertainty he seemed to carry around on his shoulders, and that edge of something cold and unsure that lingered in his eyes. Something snarky.
“I asked if you have plans tonight.”
“Nope,” Cheryl answered for us both. “We don’t.”
I glanced at her and frowned, but she quickly slapped my bare thigh and nodded at Chris, which only served to confuse me further. I looked back at him anyway. “No plans.” I smiled flatly.
“Do you want to come out with my friend and me?”
“Which friend?” Cheryl asked. I felt her giving me the side-eye. I just shuffled my feet and tried to act more casual than I felt.
“Not Toby,” Chris laughed.
“Thank God,” Cheryl muttered.
I wanted to jump to Toby’s defence, but I also had zero desire to get another sharp slap from Cheryl. “Don’t you see Toby much at the moment, Chris?” I asked, feigning breeziness.
“No one does.”
No one. Not just me. My body sagged with relief.
“What’s going on with him?” Cheryl groaned. “This moody, brooding shit is starting to piss me off.”
Chris kept his eyes on me as if he was studying every expression I made. “He’s a complicated guy. Always has been.”
“Complicated, how?” Goosebumps rippled up my neck, despite the warmth.
“No one really knows who he is, Lilac. No one ever will. He can turn his feelings off and on like a tap. He can pretend not to listen. Shut himself down. Then one day he just flicks the switch and comes to life again. I love the guy, but he freaks me out when he pulls this stuff. I leave him to it now.”
“Oh.” It was all I could think to say. It wasn’t enough, but my thoughts were racing around in my head, bumping into assumptions and conclusions that made no sense at every turn.
“He can be an ignorant shit when he wants to be.”
“Right. Yeah.”
“Don’t let him get to you,” Chris urged, reaching out to rub the top of my bare forearm. Another act that felt way too intimate with someone I didn’t really know.
“He doesn’t get to me.”
Cheryl scoffed, and it was my turn to slap her thigh slyly.
“Fine, I like him. Toby has always been good to me.”
“Until he’s bad for you.” Chris raised a brow.
“Aren’t you meant to be his friend?”
“There’s no friendship between guys when it comes to a pretty girl.”
My mouth fell open in shock and surprise, but I quickly shut it, blushed, and turned to Cheryl hoping she would take over the conversation again. She did. She was always there for me, never letting me down, never straying far.
She was also making plans for us to go on a double date that night. A date I didn’t want to be a part of, but one I couldn’t give a substantial reason as to why I shouldn’t go.
Damn you, Toby Hunter.
My windows and curtains were wide open when I first heard him playing that evening. It was 6:30 p.m. and I was due to be picked up thirty minutes later, but then Toby sprung to life.
The sun was hiding on the other side of my house, meaning my room was in the shade while Toby’s was bathing in light. His voile curtains blew in the small summer wind, dancing out of his open window and parting just enough for me to see him sitting on the edge of his bed with a guitar in his hands.
A guitar.
Toby played guitar, and I didn’t even know about it.
Now I was the girl hiding behind a curtain, getting glimpses of him where I could, and watching in fascination as I listened to him play. One chord here, another there, until he was strumming out an aco
ustic version of a Nirvana song. Nirvana. One of my all-time favourite bands and Toby had somehow known. Or if he hadn’t known, he’d gotten lucky. Nirvana was such a teenage cliché these days, after all.
Hearing him strumming Come As You Are made my smile shatter. I so badly wanted to dance over to his window, infect him with a smile, and hold him hostage.
Instead, I started singing. Quietly at first, the words tumbling from my lips in time to the much slower than usual version Toby was playing.
The more I got into it, the louder I became until I was closing my eyes and letting my voice drift out from behind the curtains, so our sounds met halfway. I pressed my hands to my jeans and swayed in time to his melody. He was rearranging the tune to sound like a twisted version of the original, and I enjoyed nothing more than trying to match it as he played. But then he stopped halfway through the song.
He’d heard me.
I froze for a second before my courage showed up and I peered around the curtain. I had no reason to hide. I’d done nothing wrong. Had I?
Toby’s face was angled towards me, expressionless and waiting as he watched me as though I wasn’t really there standing before him. Our eyes met, and it was the most magical feeling I’d ever had. His presence was natural around mine. I couldn’t understand why he ever wanted to be away.
I took a step closer to the window and waited to see if he shut me out. He didn’t. I took another, and another, and another, until I was in full view for him to see me.
The biggest part of me wanted to see a smile cross his face, but a frown formed, and I swear, even from a distance, I could see his jaw ticking. Toby’s body was angled over his guitar as he stared at me.
I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I didn’t want to stop looking at him, so I started singing again. Slower than slow. My lips parted and pushed out the words that promised him I didn’t have a gun. It took him a few seconds too many to start playing again, but when he did, I could have cried with relief.
My ruby red smile broke free, lighting up my whole face as I watched him play. Toby never took his eyes off me. He played the song over and over again.
I kept repeating the words, begging him to come to me just as he was. Asking him to return to me as a friend. Lulling him forward with song. I wasn’t sure how it happened, but I’d made a crack in Toby’s armour, and I felt stronger again. I would get to him eventually. It throbbed underneath my skin, this need to go to him and say, why are you even resisting it? Why are you so scared, so soon in life?
A Girl Like Lilac Page 8