"Hi," I said, waving.
He nodded me over. "Hi," he said.
"You don’t actually smoke."
"Not anymore. Diet and all."
"But you’re getting secondhand smoke here every day."
"One step at a time." This particular stick had burned almost all the way through, and he tossed it. "I’m really sorry about yesterday, Moira."
"Don’t be. It’s funny."
"It’s just—I have a really bad habit of getting into complicated relationships, and I thought...I don’t know. You’re single. I’m single."
I almost laughed in his face at this, because it seemed like the absolutely worst thing to say when proposing a relationship. But then again, wasn’t that essentially my own epiphany, and what led to my most interesting night? So I didn’t laugh.
"Do you really like her?" I asked.
That surprised him. "What?"
"Sarah." No point in being coy.
"Yeah, that’s complicated."
"And starting something with me isn’t going to make that go away." First of all it was bad news to hook up with people who lived in the same building but I suspected he already knew this. "The fact that she’s married and has a kid, that won’t change."
He shook his head at the cigarette butt on the ground, like he was chastising it. "I know that. I told you, I have an entire history of complicated hookups, just like that one. I was hoping to break the cycle."
"Oh I don’t know if I would have been any simpler," I said.
"I don’t know. I have some crazy exes."
I promised him then that as a friend I wasn’t going to try to be a crazy ex. That was my good deed for the day.
-///-
Ethan dropped by 10J to pick me up so we could head out to dinner and was still there an hour later.
"We should go out now," I said for the nth time. "I’m starving."
Technically he wouldn’t have been able to get up because I had him pinned to the couch for the better part of the hour, but that was just nitpicking. He raised himself up by the elbows and tried to catch my mouth in a kiss again. "You need to put some clothes on."
"You weren’t complaining earlier."
"Only because we have to go out. I don’t want you to starve."
A few minutes later I was decently clothed and we were having dinner at a tapsilog place.
"So," I said, "Do we talk about this now?"
He shifted, shrugged, sighed a little. "I’m actually trying to stall them now. There’s some paperwork, reports that have to be written about the project...they were probably thinking I’d do them when I got to San Francisco but I’ve said that I want to write them while I’m here."
"Will that actually buy you some time?"
"I don’t think so."
"Well I got the job. Kylene emailed. It’s mine if I want it."
"I knew you’d get it."
"Thank you. I got the Thailand job too."
One side of his mouth registered a smile. It was crooked and knowing. "Of course you did."
"But that might take a few months. I could actually do both."
"Unemployed no longer. We should celebrate."
"We’ve been celebrating since last night. You just didn’t know why."
"So you’re likely going to be here until..."
"July or August. Unless Thailand absolutely can’t wait."
He reached for my hand across the table and that kind of floored me a little. "I’m entitled to home leave. I can probably do that in July, when it’s summer there and everyone’s out."
"Long-distance relationship? That’s what you’re suggesting?"
"What’s your alternative?"
"I don’t know," I said. "It just seems wrong to ask you to not, um, explore your options where you’ll be."
"Because you intend to do that where you’ll be, right?"
To his credit it wasn’t accusing or resentful. This was an actual adult conversation about adult things. "Yes," I said. "I do think about that. It’s going to happen, unless you plan to live under a rock while working there. I don’t want to require you to live under a rock, nor do I want to be asked to do that."
"So you’re against the long-distance thing."
"I’m not against it, I’m just...I really don’t know. It’s a new thing. On top of everything we’re going to be adjusting to, once we move and all. I’m sure you’ve thought about this." He did break up with his girlfriend precisely because he knew he was moving. I on the other hand knew this on the basis of been there done that.
"So we’ve settled nothing right now," he said.
"What do you want to ‘settle’?"
"Scenarios. We can plan to visit each other..."
"That’s sweet. Like we’re in an animated movie musical, with rainbows."
"It’s not that crazy. We can visit each other, and synchronize home visits here..."
It was sweet, and I was sincerely touched, just watching him talk like this. Like we had a chance. "Ethan," I said, interrupting him. "I think the bigger question here is we have to figure out why we’re choosing to go where we’re going. And if this, you and me, if this fits and doesn’t ruin what we have planned, then we try to make it work."
"But I don’t have an answer for that," he said. "I got this job because it was offered. I didn’t plan it."
"Well it’s your plan now," I said. "So yeah. Figure out where we fit into that and let me know. Until then let’s just take a break from talking about it."
The table between us was on the wide side but he sort of launched himself over it so he could kiss me, and that was one upside to asking him not to talk, I guessed.
Later, I finally got to try his shower.
Easily the best shower of my life.
-///-
"Moira?"
"Hmm?"
"Are you awake?"
"I am now."
"I was thinking about what I said to you."
"Huh? You said a lot of things."
"I’m sorry. I don’t really think you just want to get laid."
"You didn’t actually say that though. And I know."
"I hope you’re not here because you’re feeling sorry for me."
"Why would I do that?"
"My family, they’re more emotional about things. My sister has probably told you about all the things I’ve missed out on because I don’t do grand gestures."
"I didn’t ask for any."
"It’s not that you did. In general I mean. But it’s not that tragic, really. Nothing in my life is sad. I haven’t lost anything I can’t live without."
"I had a fight with Roxie."
"When?"
"A few days ago. I didn’t...anyway. I meant to say, I get it. The way people reacted to me leaving Singapore, it was like I was dumping a boyfriend who was really nice to me. Why now? Why not give it another year? But you know when it’s not for you, and it’s not that sad really. People will interpret that the way they want to though. Roxie thinks I’m lonely, and that’s why I’m here. And why I’m bumming around in pajamas all day."
"Are you lonely?"
"I told her that she’s wrong, but I don’t know. Roxie’s a smart person. Maybe she knows something I don’t. Do you feel lonely?"
"It’s not that I’m a monster. I’ve been told that I have no feelings. It hurts, things suck. But it’s not tragic."
"You don’t have to explain that."
"And Ashley told me that you said you never really dated him."
"JM. He’s just a neighbor. No, a friend. Of course I didn’t."
"I’m sorry that I assumed you had. I shouldn’t have told her anything. I was...I shouldn’t have told anyone."
"No harm done."
"I really wanted to kiss you."
"Oh you’ve established that."
"I mean, when I met you I knew that I shouldn’t be dating anyone, that I shouldn’t start something. But then I just started thinking, I want to kiss her. And other thou
ghts. And the thoughts wouldn’t stop. So yes, I’m capable of feeling."
"Nice to know."
"I need you to know that. Even if we end up saying goodbye to each other when my lease is up."
Chapter 21
Knowing it, led to me thinking about it.
So much that I couldn’t sleep, and soon the clock on Ethan’s bedside was saying it was five a.m. and I told myself to be productive while sleepless and go for a run. I would be able to think about him with a clearer mind if I weren’t actually beside him anyway.
I slipped out from under his arm and whispered that I was going out for a run. He sort of mumbled in response, probably the same way I did when he tried that on me. I went up quickly to my place and changed, pausing only to slip enough money for public transport in the pocket of my shorts. I thought of Matilda at the moment, when she was at the clinic carrying nothing else, and I pretty much did the same.
On my way to the elevator, I came across another familiar face.
"Airport again?" I asked Lucille.
"Yes, always," she said.
"Can I hitch a ride?" I said. "I want to be dropped off somewhere on the way."
"Sure," she replied.
-///-
Contrary to the building gossip and speculation, Lucille wasn’t a flight attendant or jetsetting model. She was actually a trainer, specializing in corporate planning, and she delivered that program to "emerging markets in Asia and the Pacific." It meant travel every month, at least, to Vietnam and Cambodia primarily. Sometimes a little further out.
I didn’t have that much time in the cab with her (early mornings, no traffic) but I did manage to tell her all about my upcoming move, and asked for her advice.
"Oh I don’t know," she said. "I think the people to ask about whether moving is a right decision or not, are the people who moved. People who stay here are here for a reason."
Lucille’s reason, apparently, was her dad, who had been ill for a few years now. She could have been assigned a regional post but kept saying no, opting for short trips instead.
"But no one ever thinks that moving is a wrong decision," I told her.
She laughed. "That’s true. It’s really about why we do things, I guess. I am thinking of cutting back on my travel, though. Do you know anyone who might want to do what I’m doing?"
"Let’s have lunch when you get back," I said.
The sun was totally up by the time she dropped me off. And I felt productive already.
-///-
My plan was actually only a small part of a larger one. Something nobody had yet called me out on.
Accomplish in my twenties: live and work in at least two foreign cities. Buy property. Visit two more continents. Contribute to parental retirement fund.
And then, in my early thirties: Meet passionate, intelligent stranger with similar wanderlust. Be citizens of the world together.
How did I know that my time in Singapore was up? Because it was only my first foreign city. And I had to get hopping onto the next one if I wanted everything to work out on sked.
So despite being very annoyed when people assumed that I moved to meet guys, I had to admit that that was part of it.
I didn’t want just any guy. I wanted to meet a certain kind of guy.
And I wanted to be a certain kind of person by the time I met this guy. If I met him. If I didn’t then at least I got to be a fabulous well-traveled responsible daughter with her own condo. Win-win.
I must mention though that this plan was devised during a particularly bad week in my early twenties. It was the same week that I discovered that my first job was going to lead me nowhere, turn me into nothing, and introduce me to nobody special.
And maybe it had been during a time when my mother, also knowing that my job would lead me nowhere, tried to get me into one of her friend’s companies.
Maybe I bought my ticket the same week that my interview was supposed to happen, so I wouldn’t have to go.
Maybe I chose to go to another country because that seemed like a better reason than just not wanting to work for my mom’s friend, and no one else questioned it.
I asked to be dropped off in Bonifacio, opting to go for a run in the actual outdoors. The place seemed built for it, and so many people had the same idea and were there earlier. I started jogging as soon as I hit a sidewalk, and just let my thoughts wander.
What I needed was an answer to my own question, proof that I was following my own advice. What was the plan, exactly? And should this thing be allowed to exist? Should I make room for it?
Ethan wouldn’t put as much pressure on himself to figure this out, I would assume. He was someone who felt that life happened to him. I on the other hand made things happen. Already I was figuring out ways to make it happen (Jobs in San Francisco? Jobs in California? Maybe start with a six-month sabbatical and try it out?) and I knew it could happen if thought about it hard enough. I was just like that.
But to go through all the trouble. To rearrange my own world so much. It didn’t seem like the right thing to do, and for someone who wouldn’t do the same.
So I had to decide what was best for me.
MOIRA
I. CAREER AND FINANCES
+ Has job offers
- Job offers that require starting over
+ May get money soon
- May get money because of NV Park place being sold, so will have no property
II. FAMILY AND FRIENDSHIPS
- Doesn’t see family often and should
- Complicated relationship with mother
+ Friends are awesome, should see them more
III. LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS
? Has something interesting, if only it would last
IV. PERSONAL FULFILLMENT
- Can’t afford to travel right now, as a bum
- Needs a more fulfilling hobby than analyzing other peoples’ lives
+ Maybe will have fun decorating new apartment, when NV Park is sold
Even though I figured out the matrix in my head as I jogged, I could still see the lack of plus signs. And the actual plus signs there weren’t as satisfying as they should be. Which was an awful record for someone who had a plan precisely to satisfy herself in the four areas that mattered to her.
I took a turn into upscale shopping area High Street and slowed to a walk on the cobblestone-type road. Immediately I regretted not bringing water, my phone, or a bag, but the no-baggage thing wasn’t so bad. I just really, really needed a drink.
When I finally got one, a freebie courtesy of the water pitcher in a nearby coffee shop, the answer sort of clicked in my head. The reason why someone like Roxie would think my "blank" life was a good thing was because of the choices I had. I did have a lot of them. And I was just about to make some. Oh the wonders of hydration.
-///-
The other thing I tried to do, also for the sake of being difficult and learning something, was take unnecessary public transport back to NV Park.
Our enclave was perfectly accessible by cab, but that was the easy way to do it. To really experience life back home, which I felt I hadn’t done yet recently, it should be through taking the three public transport rides that would bring me within walking distance of NV Park for a fraction of the cost.
By the time I had gotten to this part of my morning, the sun was high up in the sky and the day was nasty hot. I ended up standing in the middle of the aisle in a full bus, and then squeezed into one full jeep, and another, and then made the mistake of getting off a little earlier than I should have. I kind of wished I hadn’t run as much as I just did, and on so little sleep too.
NV Park looked a little different, when I finally turned the corner and headed toward Tower 3. There was a fire truck in front of the building, and a mass of people outside, and neighborhood security directing traffic.
Another fire drill? I wondered. How many of those happened again in a year?
Based on the drill I knew where to go, so I headed for
the "safe zone" and just randomly started tapping people’s shoulders.
"What’s up?" I asked.
It took about three seconds of this for someone to notice, and then recognize me, and then someone yelled "She’s here! Moira’s here!"
"Yes I’m here," I said, to no one in particular.
There was a small commotion. The crowd in the safe zone stepped back, like the sea parting, to let someone through. And then I got swept off my feet, literally, carried off the ground by now familiar arms.
"What the hell—" I started to say.
Ethan silenced the rest of it with a rushed, inelegant, but huge kiss, right on my mouth, right in front of everyone.
The people started to clap and cheer.
And I was thinking, This is a really strange fire drill.
Chapter 22
It wasn’t a drill, I found out later. There was an actual fire.
There was actually more to it than that. There was an incident. Curtains had caught fire in a large unit on the 15th floor. It hadn’t spread to the other floors or units, and hadn’t destroyed most of the unit itself, but it got as bad as it did because there was no one around at the time it had happened. Or, precisely, the two people who had fought and hurled lit candles at each other inside had both bailed on the apartment separately without checking to see the condition of the candles they had thrown.
The building went on evacuation mode a little after seven a.m. Ethan woke up with no idea where I had gone, and assumed I had gone back to my room to do whatever. He went up to a locked door. He tried calling me, and could hear my phone ringing from inside, but I wasn’t picking up. He was pretty sure I was in there, though, since it was way early and he thought I had just fallen asleep again.
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