"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked again, searching my eyes. "Talk to me, Emily."
"I don't want to talk," I said, looking at him. I brought my left leg up, wrapping it around his waist.
Without another word, he lifted me and I wrapped both legs around his waist as we moved down the hall. If I wanted to stop, now was the time.
By the time we got back to his bedroom, I knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself. There wasn't any part of me that was ready to stop. He laid me down on his bed and stared at me, taking me in, devouring me from top to bottom. I bit my lip as the fire burned in his eyes. He climbed on top of me and hovered there for a moment before he brought his lips back to mine.
I gripped the edge of his shirt before slipping my hands beneath it, running my finger up his back and pulling his shirt up with me. Breaking our kiss for just a second, he pulled it over his head. I took in the beauty of him for just a moment before I felt the weight of him on me again.
His hands moved slowly down my neck and across my chest. When he reached under my shirt, I trembled and then felt him freeze above me. I deepened our kiss and let out a whimper, letting him know this was okay, that I wanted this. As my nails raked across his back again, he released a soft moan and pressed himself harder against me.
He shifted his weight and then his hands went from under my shirt to gripping my thigh. I could feel his hardness between my legs. He squeezed down and I let out a suggestive moan. I wanted his hands on me, on my skin. I felt myself pulsing for him. I wasn't sure how much longer I could control myself.
"I haven't been with anyone in years," he said as he kissed my neck. "If you don't want this, please tell me to stop now."
"Don't stop. Please," I begged, "don't stop."
He took my pleading as a sign. I felt my shirt come up and over my head in one swift movement. Then his lips smashed against mine. This kiss was different. This kiss held more passion than the others. I felt him tremble beneath my touch, and his hands shook as they moved down to unbutton my pants. Not able to stop myself, I reached and fumbled to unbutton his. Before I knew it, we were taking turns stripping off one another's clothes until we were completely naked.
His eyes ran down the length of me, and while he was devouring my naked body, I was doing the same to his. He lifted me gently and pushed me farther onto the bed before coming back down on top of me.
"You're beautiful," he said before pressing his lips back to mine.
MY EYES opened and I squinted at the bright light spilling in through the windows. Rolling onto my back, I stretched my legs, instantly feeling the soreness between them. It was at that moment that the night before came rushing back.
I remembered Reed's right hand holding my hands above my head as his left hand moved down my neck to my chest, down my stomach, and then finally between my legs. The cry that came from my mouth as he slipped his fingers inside me. His fingers moving in and out while he kissed me deeply and slowly. The moment he finally slipped inside me.
Me gripping his shoulders as he thrust inside me again and again. The moans coming out of me. The groans coming out of him. His hands moving down my body, gripping and squeezing in all the right places at all the right times. My back arching, my legs wrapping around his back. The electricity I could feel flowing between the two of us.
The images hit me like a wrecking ball. I felt my face and whole body flush. A tightness seized my chest. It wasn’t that I regretted what happened last night, yet I did have an oh-no-what-have-I-done moment. It would have been so much easier to accept the actions of last night if I had woken up from a drunken stupor, but no, the only thing to blame was my physical need to be with him and be touched by him. I knew that once we had gotten started, there was no stopping.
Turning my head gently, I saw Reed next to me, wrapped up in a sheet and sleeping peacefully. By the sound of his breathing, it was clear he was in a deep slumber. His face was serene and blissful, making me feel even more horrible for regretting what happened between us.
Turning away, I squeezed my eyes tight as an overwhelming feeling of guilt and regret flooded through me.
Last night had been amazing. I asked for it. I think I might have even begged for it. I wanted it. I enjoyed it. But, deep down, I knew it shouldn't have happened. Things were just going to be complicated between us, and I wasn't sure how or if we could ever just be friends now.
I peeked over at Reed again, remembering what he told me last night. He had told me that he hadn’t been with anyone in years. I wasn’t sure what to think of that exactly. Christine had made it sound like he was a ladies’ man, but maybe that was years ago. Maybe he had changed.
Pulling the covers back slowly, I sat up in bed, still continuing to check to make sure Reed wasn’t disturbed. When I got into the bathroom, I gently closed the door, threw my head in my hands, and squeezed my eyes tight. What had I done? The guilt rushed over me more and more with each passing second.
I wasn't confident I could face him when he woke up. Last night was going to change things between us. Sex always did. Will he think what happened between us was a mistake? Do I think it was a mistake? Will he act differently toward me now? What about Lexi? How will she feel about me sleeping with her brother? I doubt she had this in mind when she asked me to check on him.
Shaking my head, I emptied it of those thoughts. I couldn't deal with this right now. I had to get ready. I couldn't face him. I couldn't be here when he woke up. I had to go to work.
As quietly as possibly, I made my way around his room and gathered my clothes. When I was dressed, I debated on whether or not to leave a note. After deciding against it, not sure of what to say, I slipped into the elevator and caught a cab home.
The entire drive home, I knew what I’d done was wrong. I should've stayed until he woke up. I should've faced him. I, at least, should've left him a note.
I HADN'T heard from Reed since I'd left his place this morning. I didn’t know what was going through my head when I left without saying good-bye to him. Oh wait, yes I do. What happened last night was a mistake… Or at least that was what I kept telling myself all day. It was a mistake and it would never happen again.
I wasn’t sure how many times I said those words to myself throughout the day, starting when I walked out of his place this morning. It made it easier to walk out and it made it easier to deal with the guilt I was feeling now. Somewhere, deep inside me, even though I didn't want to admit it, I actually didn't regret what happened between us. I wanted to be with him again, and I think above all else, that scared me most of all.
There was hope that Reed would be the stronger one. I hoped he would regret what happened between us and keep his distance from me to ensure it wouldn't happen again. Despite that hope, I couldn't help picturing his confused face when he woke up this morning and saw my side of the bed empty. Thinking of him in pain or sad caused my stomach to turn. Then I thought about the other possibility—the possibility that he was angry with me. The two of us had spent a great night together and then after what happened between us, I left without saying good-bye. If I were being honest, I'd be mad at me, too.
Since I had gotten to work, I’d kept my head down and had only taken a short lunch break to call Lexi. I wanted to tell her about stepping away from the Black and White event. The sooner, the better.
It wasn't easy to say, but I explained to her that I would still be involved, just that Christine would be in charge of most of the planning and she or Sharon would be the ones to talk to the press if they had any questions about the event.
Before I called her, I had the conversation all laid out in my head, but when I got her on the phone, I rambled on and on. She stopped me halfway through.
"Emily, you can stop now. I totally understand. It's a lot to take on and I get it. I gave you more than you can handle."
That made me feel terrible and pathetic. "I'll still be involved." I reminded her. "I will still be here to make sure everything goes well."
"It's going to be great. I know it."
Her words replayed over in my head, and with each passing second, I felt worse. I felt like I’d let her down.
Sharon and Isabel left work eventually, leaving Christine and me alone at the office. With the Black and White event fast approaching, we'd both be working long hours to make sure it was done right. Normally, this situation would have made me a little uneasy, but ever since last week, things had been better between us. She was actually being nice to me.
A couple more hours went by, and as hard as I tried to concentrate on my work, Reed continued to occupy my mind. Memories from last night played over in my head and a sick feeling remained in my gut. I knew I would have to see him again one day, probably sooner than later, and I dreaded that moment.
"I think I'm going to head out and start back up in the morning," Christine said through a yawn as she bent over and picked up her purse. "I've got the caterer booked, but we need to go over the menus they sent us and get one prepared. Oh, and we need to try and make the decision on the band tomorrow. I'm still surprised there were so many bands available last minute. I really like the jazz band. I think it will be classy. What do you think?" She finished her rambling and looked up at me.
I smiled at her. "I think Lexi would like that." It was all coming together pretty nicely. I was grateful that Christine had everything under control. It made me feel a lot better about my decision. The most important thing was to make this event perfect for Lexi and Reed.
She returned my smile and stood up. I was so used to her glare that her smile still threw me off.
"I hope she likes it." She sighed and then narrowed her eyes on me, not in a negative way like she had in the past; it was more of a concerned or curious look. "Hey, is everything okay with you? You seem a little distracted today."
Either I really was acting strange or she was very observant. "I'm fine," I lied. There was no way I was going to let her know what was really bothering me. "I just really want this event to be great. I think it's just my nerves."
"Do you really doubt me that much?" She laughed. "This event is going to be awesome. How about we call it quits for the night and let's go grab a drink? It looks like you could use one. I know I could."
"Um…" I hesitated. Getting a drink did sound pretty good, but I was exhausted since I didn't get much sleep last night. I felt my face flush and body tingle just thinking about it. "Thanks, but I think I'm going to finish up a few more things here, then head home."
"Well, I'm going to take off, then. Maybe catch up on my shows that have been recorded for weeks now. You gonna be okay here by yourself?" she asked. I still wasn't used to her niceness and concern for my wellbeing.
I nodded. "I'll be fine, thanks."
She smiled and slung her purse over her shoulder. "Okay, see you tomorrow."
As she walked down the hall, I heard her keys jingle, the front door close, and then the pop of the lock. Not even a full minute passed before I heard the front door open again and then footsteps making their way back to the office.
"What'd you forget?" I asked, not even bothering to turn around.
There was no answer, just silence. Then…
"Do you want to tell me why you gave up doing the Black and White event?" His deep voice broke the quiet, and my heart stilled.
A shiver rippled through me as I turned around. I found Reed standing at my office door, staring at me.
"How did you get in?" My voiced shook and my hands trembled as I stared up at him.
He softly jerked his head toward the door. "Christine let me in. I've been waiting for you to get off work so we could talk, but you never came out."
Swallowing down my guilt, shame, and nervousness, I sat back farther in my seat and let out a long breath. It was still too difficult to look him in the eyes, so I stared at my hands in my lap. I didn’t know how much time passed, but it was torturous, every single second I sat and he stood there in silence. I wasn’t sure if he was waiting for me to say something or not. After searching my mind for something to say, I kept coming up blank.
Finally, I got up the courage and glanced up at him through my eyelashes, finding him staring at me still. More embarrassment and remorse flooded me, and the look on his face nearly broke me. It was clear he wanted answers, but he wasn't sure how to ask the questions, or even what questions to ask. And truthfully, even if he did, I didn’t know what I would say to him. It wasn’t that I regretted what happened between us. I just knew it couldn't happen again.
"Reed." I licked my lips and took in a deep breath. "I'm sorry for walking out on you this morning." I cringed as the words came out of my mouth. I knew what I’d done was terrible, but as I actually said the words, it made me feel even worse—something I didn't think was possible. He didn't say anything in response. I think he was waiting for more of an explanation. "It's not something I've done before." I continued to ramble, hating the silence between us. "It's just my life… It's complicated right now. I don't need any distractions." The words fell out of my mouth and it was only then when I actually heard them. I’d just called him a distraction.
Biting my lip, I cursed under my breath. I dared to glance up at him again. He was still looking at me, but his expression had changed. He was clearly hurt by the words I just said. I wished I could give him a better explanation, but the only thing that would make sense would be the truth, and I wasn't quite ready to tell him that yet.
After a long moment, he nodded his head slowly, finally ending the silence and speaking. "You can save me the it's-not-you-it's-me speech. You don't owe me an explanation. I just wanted to come tell you what happened between us this weekend shouldn't affect your work." His tone was stern, cold, and distant. "You don't have to give up the Black and White event. It's important to Lexi and she wanted you to be a part of it. If you think this weekend was a mistake, we can leave it at that and it won't ever happen again."
My heart squeezed when I heard the word "mistake" come out of his mouth. I wasn't expecting his words to hurt so much. The strange thing was that it took him saying the word for me to realize I didn't feel like this weekend or what happened between us was a mistake, but I didn't tell him that. I knew I had to remain strong. I couldn't let anything like that happen again and that meant distancing myself from Reed as much as possible.
"Reed, the reason I gave the Black and White event to Christine has nothing to do with what happened between us this weekend. I talked to Sharon about giving it to Christine last week, before this weekend even happened. It's more about my life and how complicated it is. The press and pictures, it's just too much for me right now." I paused for a moment before continuing. "I called Lexi earlier and told her. I wanted her to hear it from me."
He nodded again. "I know. She's the one who called to tell me."
"Christine has more experience." I continued to explain. "She'll do a better job. I'll still be involved with some of the things."
"But Lexi wanted you to do this." His voice was clipped, serious. I started to wonder if he felt like I was really letting Lexi down or if his ego got wounded when he woke up and found me missing this morning.
"Lexi understands," I said, keeping my tone smooth. I didn't want to hurt him more than he already was.
He looked at me with a serious expression. "It's more than that, isn't it? There's something you're not telling me. I've seen fear in someone's eyes, Emily. I've seen my sister shudder at the sounds of a car door slamming because it sounded like a gunshot. I've seen her completely shut down at the smell of a match or seeing a flame in a fire. I've seen fear in her eyes, Emily, and I see it in yours, too. Just tell me the truth."
My whole body felt limp. I couldn't breathe even though I was pretty sure my mouth was hanging open. I was shocked at his presumption. "You don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine," I mumbled.
"Really? Is that why you trembled last night when I touched you?" He took a small step inside my office. "Even when you said it was okay, you look
ed like you were scared to death. I'm wondering now if I'm the one who made a mistake. Did I push you to do something you weren't ready for? If I did, I'm sorry. I wanted you and I thought you wanted me, too."
The look on his face broke my heart. He honestly thought he'd hurt me. "I told you. It's nothing you did wrong. It's me. My life is just a little complicated right now.” I paused and closed my eyes. “Reed, I enjoyed last night. More than I can tell you. It was amazing, thrilling, and scary all at the same time. I’m just working through a few things right now and there are things in my past that I just… I need some space."
His forehead creased. "But that's just it. You're not leaving it in the past. You won't allow yourself to get close to anyone because of your past, because you're afraid of something. I don't know what you went through, but I saw Lexi do the same thing you're doing. She shut down. She pushed away anyone who tried to love her and help her. You're letting your past dictate your future." He stopped and bit down on his bottom lip, almost as if he were trying to keep from saying something. Maybe something he'd regret later.
The words he spoke were true. My past was dictating my future. Maybe the demons I thought I had buried weren't buried at all. Maybe they were still there, sitting on the surface, keeping me from moving on with my life. Jake would be thrilled to know he was still controlling me.
Reed had no idea what I'd been through, what I was running from and what Jake would do to me if he found me, what he would do to the people I cared about.
"I told myself I wasn't going to do this," he said, bringing me out of my reverie. "I wasn't going to come here and try to change your mind. If you don't want to have anything to do with me, that's fine, but do one thing for me. Don't shut Lexi out. You're one of the first people she's let close these last few years. If it'll make it easier, I'll only deal with Sharon and Christine from now on. You and I don't even have to see each other."
The Hardest Part Page 11