Saved By The Music

by Selene Castrovilla

  “Hey, you’re awake.” Axel’s voice came from behind me. “I brought you something.” He gave me a roll.

  “I can’t eat this. I’m on a diet,” I told him, handing it back.

  He pushed it on me again. “Listen, Willow. You sure as hell don’t need a diet, but even if you did, today’s not the day to count carbs. You need to get something solid into your system, or you’ll be sick all day. You drank on an empty stomach last night, didn’t you?”

  I nodded. “Except for the carrots.”

  “Yeah, I know. I could tell by what came up. Orange bile. Why didn’t you eat yesterday?”

  I shrugged. I didn’t know why I did or didn’t do anything anymore.

  “Well, eat the roll.”

  I picked off a piece of the crust and stuck it in my mouth.

  He leaned closer and said, “I didn’t tell your aunt about the drinking, obviously, but I had to tell her you got sick. I mean, you reek. I cleaned you up as best I could, but you need a shower.”

  “Well, guess what. I’m not getting it here. We don’t have one.”

  He raised his eyebrows at that. “Okay, come over and take one on my boat.”

  I got up, and the room twirled. I leaned onto Axel, closed my eyes, and hoped it would pass. It finally ended enough that I could walk, slowly.

  I felt like complete shit.

  “Eat some more bread,” he said.

  “Must I?”

  “Unless you wanna try the one sure way to beat a hangover.”

  “Yeah? What?”

  “Get drunk again.”

  The thought of vodka twisted my stomach. “I’ll pass,” I said, biting off a hunk of roll.

  “Dear heart,” Aunt Agatha said as I lurched toward her with clean clothes in my hands. “How do you feel?”

  I sure wasn’t going to burst into song. “Lousy.”

  “I’m so sorry to hear you were ill last night. Must be some sort of virus.”

  “Absolutely,” I said.

  Behind me, Axel snickered.

  I told her I was going to take a shower. Then I headed out the door, with Axel following.

  I walked straight into Craig.

  “Yo, baby.” He didn’t see Axel behind the door, and he reached his hand out, most likely to touch me obscenely somewhere. I slapped it down.

  “What the … oh, hey, man,” Craig said. Apparently, spotting Axel had shocked the “yo” out of him.

  “Yo,” said Axel with a curt nod.

  He isn’t liking Craig. I can’t imagine why.

  I moved back, partly because Axel was there and partly because I didn’t want Craig to get a whiff of barf. Not that it would matter to him, most likely. Animal instinct would prevail, especially in someone who hadn’t progressed much past the Neanderthal stage.

  “Where ya ‘goin’?”

  “I’m taking a shower at Axel’s.”

  Craig’s eyes narrowed. He looked from me to Axel to me again. Clearly, to him it wasn’t possible I’d take the shower solo.

  He needs to go scrub his filthy mind.

  “See ya tamarra?”

  Oy. Big-mouthed schmuck. “Yeah, yeah. Tomorrow. Meet me at the front gate at noon.” I threw in the front gate thing to throw Axel off.

  Of course, I threw Craig off. He looked confused, but nodded.

  * * *

  We were walking along the dock when Axel finally blew his cork. “So?”

  “So what?”

  “So what the hell are you doing with that scumbag tomorrow at noon?”

  “I promised I’d tutor his sister in English. She’s flunking in summer school, poor thing.” I can lie real smoothly, if I have a few minutes’ advance notice.

  Axel looked suspicious. “Willow …”

  “Can we hurry up? The smell of me is making me sick.”

  He didn’t quite believe me, but he couldn’t provide evidence beyond a reasonable doubt.

  “Okay, okay.”

  I felt much better after I was washed clean of the barf. My head still throbbed, but it was more like a small hammer hitting me now, instead of a mallet.

  I squeezed into my clothes in the tiny bathroom. I think they call boat bathrooms heads because you can’t fit more than your head in comfortably.

  I gingerly wrapped my hair in a towel, managing to knock all Axel’s crap off the sink with the towel when I flipped it around my hair. Then I banged my head against the sink while picking up the hairbrush, nail clipper, toothpaste, toothbrush, disposable razors, shaving cream, and deodorant.

  Jesus, does he put anything away? I checked the storage compartment under the sink. No, he does not.

  Grabbing the hairbrush, I stepped into the main cabin.

  Axel was reading Much Ado About Nothing. Hey, at least it’s a comedy. That boy needed to lighten up.

  “Good play? I never read that one,” I said.

  He nodded, still reading.

  “What’s your favorite line in it?” I was sure he had one.

  “I am gone, though I am here,” he rattled mechanically.

  Unbelievable. He manages to find doom and gloom in everything.

  He looked up. “You got dressed in there? You could have used my cabin. I mean, it’s not much bigger, but it’s a little better.”

  “I didn’t want to parade in front of you in a towel.”

  “All right, can we can the sarcasm? We need to get past that shit.”

  “I’m sorry.” I really was. I didn’t know why I got like that.

  “It’s okay.”

  I sat across from him and started brushing my hair. I bent and tossed my hair over gently, to unknot the underside.

  After a few moments, he asked, “So what did your aunt say?”

  “About?”

  “About the dream.”

  “Pretty much what I thought—that I should wipe it from my head.”

  “Just like that?”

  I flipped my hair back up and faced Axel. “Well, there was one bit of interesting news. It turns out the dream was real. I was locked in the back of a moving van when I was little.”

  “Gee, Willow. Sorry to hear that.” He got up and hugged me. “You think you’re gonna be able to get past it now?”

  The tears welled up again. This is getting ridiculous. I could open my own sprinkler company.

  I rubbed my eyes across his T-shirt and sniffed.

  “There’s so much to get past, Axel… . I don’t know where to begin.”

  16

  Sound and Fury

  The next night, I lay on the couch, too nervous to sleep. Tomorrow was D day. D for de-virginizing.

  I was past worrying if Craig was the right guy. He wasn’t. But he sure made me feel good. That had to count for something. I didn’t mean anything to him. But he didn’t mean anything to me, either. I was using him. Kind of.

  We all want the first time to be so special, like Cinderella being swept up by Prince Charming. But I doubt that their relationship was perfect, anyway. I bet they wound up divorced.

  Is anybody happy, really?

  I had to take what I could get, and what I could get right now was a smoking hot guy who regarded me as some kind of plaything. But at least he regarded me. And he was sooo good at strumming my strings.

  ***

  In the morning, Aunt Agatha leaned over the top of the couch and smiled at me. “Feeling better, dear heart?”

  “Headache’s gone.” Heartache’s not.

  “Good, good. You slept late. It’s eleven o’clock.”

  Eleven o’clock! I had to meet Craig in an hour. I jumped up.

  “You missed Axel this morning. He played duets with me again.”

  “That’s nice.” I was rummaging around for my clothes.

  “He’s a wonderful boy. Intelligent, witty, thoughtful … ”

  “Yes, yes he is.” But no time to chat about him now. I had a date with his polar opposite.

  I pawed through the pile of clothes in my bag. Dang. Where were my
clean blue shorts? I needed to do laundry.

  “I just don’t understand his lack of motivation. What does he do on that boat all day?”

  “Reads and plays his cello.” Whew. I found the shorts near the bottom of the suitcase. I must have passed over them three times.

  “Indeed. Well, I suppose there’s worse things an eighteen-year-old might do. Still, I wish we could convince him to attend Juilliard. He’s wasting his talent.”

  “Yeah, we can’t have talent being wasted, that’s for sure,” I said, grabbing my bra, underwear, and purple T-shirt.

  It was kind of funny, she seemed more interested in Axel’s future than mine. Guess I should have pursued that violin.

  “Well, I have to run to work.” She gave me a peck on the cheek. “Have a good day, darling.”

  If she only knew how good a day it’s going to be.

  The noon sun was brutal, boy, especially after stepping out of a cave. What they needed around the boatyard was some nice tall, leafy trees for shade. To get any now, you’d have to crawl under one of those disabled boats in dry dock.

  The sweat started beading when I hit the ladder. Attractive.

  Craig was waiting at the gate for me, leaning on the fence with one leg propped up. On him, sweat looked damn good.

  He gave me a wink. “Where we goin’?”

  “Well, I was hoping you had someplace to go.” You being twenty and all.

  “Can’t go ta my crib. Mom’s back from church.”

  Fabulous. “How about a motel or something?”

  “Got no cash. Aggie paid me on Friday. Spent it already.”

  Oy. “So I guess you want to go to the barge?”

  He shrugged. Big on ideas, this guy.

  “I really didn’t want to do that. Axel lives across the dock. If he sees us … ”

  “We’ll sneak there.”

  “Yeah. It’s real easy to sneak up a ladder in broad daylight.” He really is a schmuck.

  He grabbed my arm, pulled me against him, ran his hand up my back to the base of my neck, electrifying me.

  “Okay, we’ll sneak there,” I said.

  * * *

  We crunched across the gravel, then walked through the maze of boats to get to the back dock entrance. That way, we wouldn’t go near Axel’s boat.

  I was nervous now. The threat of getting caught made me realize the insanity of this little adventure.

  For all Craig’s raw sex appeal, that wasn’t the reason I was doing this; not really. I was doing it so I could be like everyone else—to be accepted. Be normal.

  I wouldn’t be the bookworm anymore. I would be one of them. I could get involved in a conversation about sex instead of overhearing bits and pieces and not understanding what they were talking about. I just wanted to have something in common with the rest of the world.

  Being alone sucked. If I wiped the scarlet “V” off my chest, maybe things would be different in September. It was my only hope.

  Above my head, a flock of seagulls cawed wildly, wickedly, loudly.

  Maybe this was insane, but I was doing it to keep from going mad.

  * * *

  Axel wasn’t on his deck, thank God.

  Craig followed me up the ladder and inside the barge. He was on me before I even got the door closed. His hands moved so fast, they felt like they were everywhere at once. His mouth was on mine, his tongue inside. It was like he was fast-forwarding to the part where we’d stopped. Then he skipped ahead.

  My heart felt like it was heading on a crash course right through my chest.

  His kiss was aggressive, and I couldn’t breathe.

  I pushed him off of me.

  “What? What?” He was annoyed.

  “You need to slow down. I can’t even catch my breath.”

  He stared at me. “Yo, I know what your problem is. You’re a virgin.”

  I nodded, still trying to bring my heart rate down from four digits.

  His lips widened into a huge smile. “I thought so, first time we got cozy.” He came close, brushed his hand against my cheek, sending a rush through me.

  “’Kay. I’ll go slow. I never been wit a virgin before.”

  He took me in his arms. His hands went under my shirt, then performed his amazing bra unfastening act again.

  He glided me around all the wood and crap toward the couch, all the while sending hot chills through me and kissing me softly.

  My butt brushed against a sawhorse with a box of nails on it, sending 500 metal spikes pinging across the floor, yet we moved on through the debris unscathed.

  I glanced at the incomplete mahogany wall—the half constructed puzzle. Would all the pieces ever fit completely? Would mine?

  I closed my eyes and let Craig take me over. It wasn’t hard to do. His fingertips glided around and around, arousing sensations and raising me up like a jet, rising higher and higher.

  He lifted me onto the couch, my eyes still closed. My head nestled on my pillow like it was a cloud. I was floating, floating… .

  Then I felt him tug at my shorts. “Hey, I thought we were taking this slow.”

  “Chill, girl.”

  That knocked me from the sky. It sounded a little too much like a canine command. Stay, girl.

  He continued, “I’m not doin’ that yet. I’m doin’ something else. Ya’ll like it.”

  He climbed back up and gave me a deep kiss meant to placate me, like he was throwing a dog a treat. Good doggie.

  “Just tell me one thing,” I yipped.

  He hovered over me. “Yeah?”

  “What’s my name?”

  His face fogged. His eyebrows scrunched together. This was a tough one.

  “Uhhh …Willa?”

  His eyes were lusty; his smell was musky. The devil was in his touch.

  God help me.

  “Close enough,” I said, but I was trembling.

  “Hey, relax,” he said. “I’m not gonna hurtcha, for Christ’s sake. No one’s ever done this to ya?”

  I shook my head no.

  “SweartaGod, strike me dead, you’re gonna like this.”

  * * *

  The good news was that God wasn’t going to be hurling any lightning bolts. But I sure felt like I’d been struck with one.

  Craig may not have been a master of language, but he could put his mouth to good use. Speaking was overrated, anyway. I should know, having lost my power of speech for a few minutes myself.

  “Your turn.”

  I looked at him blankly, my mind still in orbit over my body.

  “Ya do me now.”

  Uck.

  I didn’t want to do that.

  It sounded so gross.

  “I don’t think I can… . ”

  “’Course you can. Just don’t bite.”

  I didn’t have the slightest desire to bite.

  I tried to do what he wanted.

  He moaned. He wouldn’t let go of my head, allowing me only the slightest movement. I was choking, gagging. I thought I might throw up. I sputtered, hacking desperately.

  He finally released me. I fell back into my pillow, coughing, wheezing, gulping deep breaths with incredible appreciation for the air I could finally take in.

  “Ready?”

  Oh my God, now he wants to have sex? What the hell is that going to be like?

  No, I thought. No, no.

  “No,” I said.

  He stared at me for a second, blinking like he didn’t get it. “What?”

  “No, I can’t do it.” I hoisted myself, tried to get up. But he was leaning over me, and he wasn’t budging.

  “What da hell ya mean?” His voice was ugly. He grabbed my wrist and squeezed. “Listen, bitch. I gave ya something. Now it’s payback time.”

  “But … but I just … ” I almost died.

  “Ya gotta finish me off now.”

  “No,” I said.

  I kicked at him.

  He slapped his palm across my face. It stung—and stunned me. Nobody’d e
ver hit me before.

  He yanked at my hair. “Just lie still, and let’s finish this nicely.”

  Nicely? Oh my God… . I tried to hit him, but he got me first—again.

  He leaned down full force on me. “I said, lie still.”

  Craig had turned into a monster. He was blurry from all my tears pouring down. He looked like some kind of specter out of a nightmare: something that’s hunting you, but you can’t quite make it out. The boogeyman.

  I was crying and saying, “No.”

  He slapped me again. “Shut the fuck up!”

  He was going to force himself in.

  I tried to kick him, but I couldn’t move. He was just too strong for me. He’d pinned my arms under my own body, which was pinned under him.

  I reached my head up and bit him on the arm.

  “Fuckin’ bitch!” He put his hand over my neck and squeezed. He’s going to kill me.

  I gulped, trying to calm down. But I could still breathe; I could swallow. The pressure on my neck hurt, but he didn’t mean to kill me. At least not yet.

  Then a voice came from across the room: “Holy shit!” I couldn’t see who it was, but I recognized that voice immediately—Axel.

  All he could see was Craig’s head over the couch. Craig clamped one hand over my mouth and continued to squeeze my throat with the other. I couldn’t get out a sound.

  He peered over the couch at Axel. “Yo, ya mind, man? Kinda busy here.”

  I fought like crazy to get his hand off my mouth, but I just couldn’t. He pressed into my neck even tighter.

  Axel had to know it was me under Craig. He knew I was meeting him.

  “I hear ya. Just came to pick up the sheet music I left here.”

  His voice was soft. I could just bet that he was staring at the floor.

  I had to get his attention, let him know I didn’t want this. Craig’s legs had shifted slightly and I could move my knee. I only had one shot. If I missed …

  I rammed my knee into Craig. He screamed and let go of my mouth and throat.

  “Axel! Axel!” I rasped, coughing.

  I kneed Craig again and shoved him off me enough so that I could pull myself out from under him. I rolled onto the floor, pulled my shorts up, and ran.

  “Axel! Oh my God … ” I threw myself into his arms, making him drop his music. Sheets scattered all over the floor.