by Banks, R. R.
“This was my Grammyma’s,” I whispered.
“I hoped you wouldn’t mind,” Richard said. “My crew found it in the closet when they were hanging up their coats and guessed that it had decorations in it.”
I nodded.
“It does,” I told him. “Heirlooms.”
I opened the crate and touched the generations-old ornaments nested down in scraps of old paper. Around me it felt like Grammyma and my father were there with me again. Richard and I carefully took each out of the crate and I shared my memories of them with him, regaling him with tales of my childhood Christmases. I knew that they were nothing like the holidays that he must have had, especially considering it was always just the three of us, but they were everything to me. We laughed together, and he sat quietly with me, his hand rubbing my back gently as I cried. When I was finished, I felt strangely refreshed.
“The last one,” Richard said, carefully taking the tin star that had been passed down from Grammyma’s grandfather out of the crate.
“You put it on,” I said.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
I nodded, and he reached up, settling the star into place on the top bough.
“It looks beautiful,” I said when the final touch had been added. “Oh! I can’t believe I forgot.”
I went to where I had placed my purse and reached inside, moving the letter to the baby aside so I could reach the envelope toward the bottom. Opening the envelope, I slipped out the short row of images and brought them to Richard.
“The doctor gave me these before he discharged me,” I said. “I thought that you might want them.”
Richard took the sonogram pictures from my hand and looked down at them. His eyes filled the same way that they had when he looked at the screen the night before. He looked up at me and suddenly the space between us closed. His arms reached out for me, but before they wrapped around me, he took a step back as realization of his actions caught him off guard.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have….” He took another step back from me, shaking his head. “I’m sorry.”
He rushed out of the house, grabbing his coat as he went. Outside I heard a car door slam and realized that Abraham had been sitting outside waiting this entire time. I had completely forgotten him. Guilt rushed through me and I knew that it wasn’t just pushing the driver out of my mind that was causing the feeling curdling in my stomach.
Chapter Eighteen
Richard
“What’s wrong with you?” Flora demanded. “You’ve been moping around here for weeks.”
I looked at her over my mug of coffee and shook my head.
“Nothing,” I said. “Just after-Christmas blues.”
“Christmas was over three weeks ago. And since when do you have after-Christmas blues? You barely even seemed to care about Christmas this year.”
I covered my sigh with a deep sip of coffee.
I suppose you’re right.
I looked up at the face of the Grandfather clock and felt my chest clench.
“We should get going,” I said. “We don’t want to be late.”
As I passed through my study, my eyes darted to the top of my desk and the sonogram image that I kept there. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Rue since the day that she handed me that image, the day that I had almost kissed her. I had to tear myself away from her, to leave her behind and try not to think of her again. It was all I could do not to go back to her house. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t let myself do that, not to either of us. Or to Flora.
Now I had to see her again. The day that I had once thought would take a lifetime to get here had arrived more quickly than I expected and now I had to go to the medical center to meet the midwife and get the ultrasound that should let us hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. As much as I looked forward to it, I also dreaded walking into the room with Rue and knowing that I couldn’t be close to her. I could barely even speak to her.
Just as I expected her to be, Rue was sitting on the examination table when Flora and I walked into the room. She had the pink blanket draped over her again and I couldn’t help but think of the last time we were here and the brush of my fingers against hers. Yet again we didn’t look at each other when I walked in and sat in one of the chairs against the wall. We sat in silence until the door opened and a tall, sturdy-looking woman with slate-colored hair and vibrant green eyes walked in. She sat on the stool that had been tucked under the counter and used it to slide over to Rue. When she stopped she let out a sigh and looked into each of our faces, a closed smiled on her lips.
“So,” she said. “How are we all feeling about bringing this beautiful new soul into the world?”
****
Rue
What did she just say?
“What?” Richard said.
“This beautiful new soul,” the midwife repeated. “This new little child. How are we all feeling about bringing it into the world?”
She drew in a breath.
Oh, no, she’s going to sing. Oh, dear lord, she is going to burst into song.
Fortunately, she didn’t. Instead, she introduced herself and went on a complex, meandering talk through everything that I should expect in my pregnancy, including a few things that I would really have preferred her to say when it was just the two of us in the room rather than sharing it so openly with Richard and Flora. There are parts of my body that I don’t want virtual strangers contemplating, particularly in the context that Kathryn had put them in during her pregnancy-in-a-nutshell spiel.
When she was finished, I felt somewhat stunned. I was still trying to internalize the flow of information that she had just given me when the door opened again and Ellery stepped inside.
Oh, perfect. Let’s invite a few more people. Where are Flora’s parents? The lawyer? How about both the boy and girl that were on standby to marry this child when it got old enough.
Ellery greeted Richard and then looked at me.
“Rue,” he said.
“Ellery. I bet you’re glad I’m late, now, aren’t you?”
He looked at me quizzically and then glanced at his watch. I rolled my eyes.
Fucking idiot.
Kathryn turned away from the counter where she had been pulling on gloves and waved her hands frantically at Ellery.
“Go, go, go,” she said. “What are you doing in here?”
“I was checking in on the progress of the project,” he said.
“This isn’t a project,” Kathryn said. “This is a pregnancy and pregnancy is not a spectator sport. Everyone out. This is about me and Rue right now.”
I saw the panic in Richard’s eyes and I shook my head.
“It’s alright. They can stay. It’s their baby. They should be here for this.”
Kathryn glared at Ellery and he scurried out of the room.
“Alright,” she said. “If you’re comfortable with that.”
She pulled out the end of the table and I propped my feet into the stirrups, feeling a few second thoughts as I felt the cold air of the examination room sweep up under the blanket, reminding me of just how familiar the midwife was about to get with me and what both Richard and Flora would witness if they didn’t move to a better angle. I drew in a breath and closed my eyes as Kathryn rode her wheeled stool to the end of the bed and I felt her grab the end of the blanket.
Here we go.
****
Dear Baby,
I heard your heartbeat today. That sentence is far too simple to have the impact that the moment actually had. I wish that I could come up with the words to tell you just how incredible it was to listen to that little rhythm, like a hummingbird within me. I couldn’t bring myself to look at either of your parents while I was listening to it. I shouldn’t admit it, even to you, but I was being selfish. I wanted to have that moment all to myself. I didn’t want to have to see their reaction or to have to share what I was feeling. This is all I have. These are the only moments that I’m ever going to
have with you, and I want to make the most of them. I know I’m doing the right thing. I know I am.
There’s another month before I see Kathryn again. By then it will be time for your parents to reveal the pregnancy to everyone. I don’t know how many people they’ve even told about you, or about me for that matter. They might be trying to keep the whole situation completely secret until the first trimester is over. For all I know, though, they might have told everyone that they know and be planning a huge reveal party for Valentine’s Day. Wouldn’t that be something? I can just hear the conversation now…Do you want to go to dinner with me on Valentine’s Day?.... I can’t…. Oh, do you have other plans?.... I do…. A date? .... No, I have to go let the father of the baby I’m carrying announce to his society friends that I’ll be popping out his heir this summer.
I like that I just not only created a conversation, but also a man that would have any interest in bringing me out for Valentine’s Day. That sounds much more pathetic than I really intended it to. It’s just that the dating pool in Whiskey Hollow doesn’t really have a deep end, if you follow me. In fact, it’s more a kiddie pool than it is a full pool. Even if it was, I don’t think that starting up a romantic relationship at the same time as I’m carrying you would really be the best choice. A girl only has but so much of her to go around.
To be honest with you, it’s hard to think of ever having that type of relationship again. I can’t imagine just putting this behind me and moving on like nothing. My heart doesn’t want to move forward, even though I know that I have no choice.
This year, Baby, you’ll be my Valentine. We’ll spend the evening watching romantic comedies and eating chocolate out of a big heart-shaped box. Chocolate out of a heart-shaped box always tastes better than chocolate out of any other type of box. We won’t tell your mommy. She doesn’t need to know.
Thank you for sharing your sweet little heartbeat with me today. I’ll never forget that sound. No matter where I go in life, no matter what happens to me from here on, nothing will ever stop me from remembering what it was like to hear that little beat for the first time. I’ll miss sharing mine with you, but I’m glad that yours is strong.
Rue
Chapter Nineteen
Rue
“What happened?”
“They held an intervention for me.”, I answered.
“An intervention for what?”
I accepted the cool cloth that Christopher held out to me and wiped it across my chest. The waves of nausea that I had been feeling eased and I took in a breath, letting it out slowly to ease my trembling.
“Apparently, they think that I’ve been bewitched in some way, I think. I’m not entirely sure. I couldn’t totally follow everything that was being screamed at me.”
“So, the takeaway lesson for the day is that the people of Whiskey Hollow aren’t ready to have a surrogate mother in their midst.”
“No, the takeaway lesson for the day is that the snake handlers of Whiskey Hollow should be turned over to the FBI and not be allowed to operate motor vehicles, even if they are marked for farm use only.”
I tried to sit up but felt another rush of nausea and rested back again.
“I thought that the morning sickness was supposed to go away by this point,” Christopher said.
“That’s another one of those delightful lies people tell you about being pregnant,” I said. “They say that you’ll feel so much better by the end of your first trimester. I felt fine up until these last two weeks. Now I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck.”
“What about Richard?”
“I’m sure he’s feeling fine.”
“No,” Christopher said, sitting down beside me and pressing another cool cloth to my forehead. “What about Richard?”
He knows me too fucking well.
“I can’t think about Richard,” I said. “I go back to the midwife in two weeks and I’ll see him then, but that’s really all I can think about.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean ‘why’? You know exactly why.”
“No, I know that you said that this man has been falling over himself to make you happy.”
“And that he’s getting married.”
“In theory. In theory, Rue, and to a woman who you, yourself, said was the Bitch of All Evil.”
“I might have been a little hasty about that. I don’t really know her. Besides, it doesn’t matter what I think of her. He chose her. He is planning a family with her. He intends to marry her. What I think of her is completely inconsequential.”
“You can’t just give up on him. I haven’t seen you look like this when you talked about a man - you know what? I’ve never seen you look like this when you talked about a man. This is different. There’s something here, and you can’t just let yourself pretend you don’t feel it because it’s convenient for you.”
“There’s nothing convenient about this, Christopher. Nothing at all. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
“Yeah, I can see your conflict. A gorgeous, exorbitantly wealthy man builds a medical center to ensure you get the best care possible, spends Thanksgiving with you, decorates your home for Christmas. I just don’t know what you could possibly see in that.”
“He didn’t build the medical center for me. He built it for the baby.”
“The baby that is half yours, I’ll point out.”
“It’s not half mine,” I said, trying not to let the tremble come into my voice. “It’s all theirs. I’m just an oven.”
“If that’s what you want to think,” he said, shaking his head, “but I know you. I know you better than you want to admit. And I can see it. I know that you have feelings for him. You just have to accept it.”
****
“Hello?”
“Rue?”
I was so groggy I could barely decipher my name.
“Yes? What time is it?”
“It’s midnight, did I wake you?”
“Midnight?”
Last time I looked at the clock it was 8:30 and I was sitting on the couch binge watching a British baking competition.
“Yes. I’m sorry it’s late. I needed to talk to you before tomorrow.”
“It is tomorrow.”
I was coming awake and I dragged myself up into a sitting position as I realized that I was still sitting on the couch and half the competition was now over. I didn’t even get to see the much-ballyhooed frozen custard cake sabotage scandal. I was going to have to go back and watch it all again.
“I needed to talk to you before later. I’m getting on a plane for a business trip and I wanted to let you know this first. I moved up your next appointment with the midwife.”
“Richard?”
There was a pause on the other end of the phone.
“Who did you think you were talking to.”
“I wasn’t entirely sure.”
“Yes, it’s Richard. I moved up your appointment.”
“Why?”
“I really liked Kathryn’s idea about announcing the pregnancy on Valentine’s Day, but I’m leaving the next day for nearly a month to handle some overseas business. I didn’t want to miss the appointment, so I thought that it would be best to move it up.”
“Did Kathryn say that was alright?” I asked. “I thought that she scheduled them on a particular timeline.”
“She said that a few days either way is fine.”
The sleepiness was gone now, and the tension in Richard’s voice was more evident. It sounded like he was holding something back, like he was trying to keep his emotions in check and not say something even though he wanted to. I figured that meant that I needed to be the one to say what we were both thinking.
“Then fine, I’m ok with it if she is.”
“Good. I’ll see you in a couple of weeks. I’ll have Kathryn call you with the new appointment time.”
“Alright. Travel safely.”
“I will.”
The call disconnected,
and I listened to the silence for a few moments, willing the tears to stay in my eyes.
****
Dear Baby,
The first trimester is officially over. Today starts the second. We’re one-third of our way through, now. That’s hard to believe. I feel like I can breathe a little bit better. They say that now that we’ve gotten this far I can feel safer knowing that you have an even higher chance of getting here. I hate the way that that sounds, but it’s reassuring all the same.
You have all of your organs. Did you know that? There are bitty little lungs, and a teeny tiny stomach, and all sorts of other weenie things. They aren’t ready to work yet, though, so don’t get any ideas about testing them out.
Your daddy left on a business trip and is off doing whatever it is that he does. Sometimes I wonder if that’s something that I should know. Does it matter that I don’t know what he does for a living? Considering I don’t understand why someone who is already as ridiculously wealthy as he is would want to keep working, I think that the answer to that is probably ‘no’. If I had even a fraction of the money that he has, I wouldn’t work a moment of my life. It’s not that I’m lazy, and I really did enjoy the career that I had, but there is so much more to life than work. Life is full of beautiful things to see and do and experience. There is so much out there, so much more than any person can ever even begin to do, that I don’t understand why anyone who doesn’t have to work to support themselves would spend any of the limited time that they have working.
You are going to get to do so much. You are going to have such a life. It’s all out here waiting for you, Baby, and the limits are truly so few. I hope that you take advantage of every opportunity that is given to you. I hope that you do things that scare you every day. I hope you do a few really stupid things. I hope you do exceptional things. I know you will do exceptional things. We’ll all just have to wait and see.