by Devon Ashley
“That if you had just come to me in January, I would’ve run back to you in a heartbeat. But now...” I shook my head, and felt the pain on his face reflected in my chest. “There’s a small part of my heart that still loves you, Robert. But I’d say a good eighty percent has been taken over by Evan now.”
“Sounds like there’s still room to sway back.”
That caught me by surprise, and my eyes widened as my head jerked up. But before I could issue my response, I was cut off by a crisp, “There you are!” Charlotte planted herself between us at the table, but we didn’t even bother to break our eye contact, his solemn, mine astonished. “Come on. It’s time to do the toasts.”
To Charlotte’s dismay, we were slow to rise, and our moods had clearly gone south for the night. “What is wrong with you two? This is a wedding for crying out loud, and a room full of people are about to embrace your every word of happiness for the couple of the night. So cheer up already.” That last part was almost a threat.
Robert grabbed my hand before I could turn to follow her out of the bar, pulling me in closer than he should have, and softly gazed into my eyes. Two seconds later he released me without a word, leaving me dumbfounded and standing alone. I shook off my bewilderment. As I turned my head to lead my body out of the bar, I did a double-take on a familiar mop of hair at a table barely fifteen feet away.
Shit to the power of infinite.
I’m sure I was rockin’ a pretty timid face as Evan stood to approach me. I just stared at him, unsure what to say, ‘cause he was definitely annoyed right now.
“You know…” he began, and I held my breath as he was slow to continue, “…there’s an awful lot of chemistry and emotions between you two.”
With a deep breath, I replied firmly, “I think you’re mistaking that for what it really is. Unresolved issues.”
Rubbing the back of his head, he slightly chuckled, but it wasn’t really for amusement’s sake. “Unresolved issues. I like that.” His laughter quickly dissipated, and with a sharp eye, brusquely added, “But here’s the thing about ex’s. Your issues don’t have to be resolved unless you’re looking to keep them in your life.”
Damn it all to hell. I hated that he was so obviously right.
“Jenna!” Charlotte snapped. Robert disappeared through the entrance but Charlotte did an about face.
“Duty calls, again,” Evan jeered.
My hands went to my hips as I watched an annoyed Charlotte silently beckon me with her hand like I was a terrible-two on a rampage, telling me I needed to come here. Her timing couldn’t be worse.
I returned my attention to the guy who looked ready to steamroll something, and most likely that desire belonged to Robert’s face. “Can you give me a minute?”
“Have you noticed how you’re always asking me for more time? I’m getting tired of winding my damn watch, Jenna.” He took the last few gulps of his beer and whacked the bottle down. “Tell you what. If you can make it upstairs within the same time frame it’ll take me to have one more beer and get to our room to pack my bag, I’ll spare an extra four on top of that before I head back home.”
His bicep brushed my shoulder as he aimed for the bar. I didn’t stop to argue, bargain, or beg. I just hurried my way to the reception hall behind Charlotte, repeatedly cursing this whole damn weekend in my head. I only had a few seconds to compose myself, ‘cause Charlotte immediately walked towards the center of the dance floor, clanging one of the champagne flutes that had been poured for this very occasion. She announced me, then planted the microphone in my hand.
I cheerfully, and almost mechanically, recounted my rehearsed speech, which included the time Sophie and I first became roommates, my mad respect for her heart, strength and natural resistance against our kool-aid drinking foes, then acquiesced her unfailing faith in all things Jhett. I embraced them both, fighting hard not to let Sophie’s tears encourage my own, passed the microphone back to Charlotte without sparing Robert a single glance, then ran for the elevator, which I wasn’t used to doing in heels. I was lucky enough to have one waiting and jumped right in, punching the 10 and holding the close door button relentlessly. I kicked off the shoes, feeling an instant relief, then rushed down the hall the second I could squeeze through the elevator opening.
Shit. The card was in the bag I left in the bridal suite.
I banged on the door, calling Evan’s name, praying he wouldn’t wait until he was packed and ready to go before opening. Mercifully, he didn’t leave me hanging, but he was gone so fast the door tried to smash me into its frame as I pushed through. He was already back to collecting his stuff from the bathroom.
“Alright, you’re mad. I get it. But don’t leave,” I pleaded.
He casually meandered past me to the open duffel on the bed. “Never said I was mad.” I rolled my eyes behind his back. He didn’t have to say it; his body screamed it in every way possible. “I’ve just been enlightened to the true problem at hand. It’s not that you can’t move on from your relationship with Robert, it’s that you won’t.”
“Why? Because we were able to sit down and have a conversation? At our best friends’ wedding, where we were forced to interact?”
“Spare me, Jenna.”
“If I didn’t wanna move on I never would’ve given up on him in the first place. But I did, and I spent every spare moment over the past five months with you.”
He zipped his bag and slid the strap over his shoulder. “And even after all that, the two of you still have that much intensity between you. I’m not kidding, Jenna. If you could see yourselves from our point of view, you wouldn’t be so sure of yourself right now.”
Confused, and desperate to prolong his exit, I asked, “Our?”
“Anne, Jenna. Yeah, she was there too, but you guys were so enraptured with one another you never even noticed that your significant others were just two tables away. Only difference is, she couldn’t stand to watch the whole thing. She walked right past you two and you didn’t even notice.”
I felt the weight of the day on my shoulders as they begged to slump. Eliminating the distance between us, I lay my hands on his chest, and got as close as this poufy dress would allow. My touch seemed to ease him, the taut muscles in his neck beginning to relax. “Don’t go.”
He licked his lips and swallowed, then calmly replied, “Give me a reason not to.”
“Because I love you.” It came off as a mixture of begging and choking, but it was true nonetheless. And I saw the green in his eyes begin to combat the fiery gold that flared when he was angry.
Sliding his hand up my neck, he splayed his fingers around my ears and stroked my cheek with his thumb. I closed my eyes and relished in the blissful feeling he created with just the simplest touch. “I know you do,” he said softly. “And I love you too. But even after all our time together, I still don’t own your heart.”
I wanted to open my eyes, to face what he was about to say, but I felt the sting behind my eyes, and knew that in any second, a surge of tears was gonna burst through.
“And if I can’t have it all to myself…” My head trembled in protest. “I just can’t do this anymore, Jenna. I won’t be somebody’s second best.”
Cue the waterworks, ‘cause ready or not, there they come. I swept the liquid off my face, but I’d need automatic wipers to keep up with the storm of tears rushing from my body. I heard his bag drop to the floor. Arms wrapped around and pulled me tight, holding me until the tears ceased and the phlegm cleared from my throat, my face buried in his neck. Exhausted and numb, my mind didn’t wanna process coherent thoughts.
“Are you gonna ignore me now too?” I asked, dreading the thought.
He traced circles on my back, his hand occasionally getting caught in the material. I was so ready to take this dress off. “You know I have to. I’ll never be able to move on if you’re always around, reminding me of what we had.” He brushed the stray clump of hair covering my face behind my ear. “But yeah, hopefully one day we�
�ll both be married and settled and capable of just being friends.”
He kissed my temple. I’m sure he meant it to be sweet and loving, but at this moment, it felt like the kiss of death, ‘cause I had serious doubts that friendship would happen down the road.
“I have to go, Jenna,” he whispered, sounding shaky, like he questioned the decision himself. He released the hold and squatted to retrieve his bag, leaving me to sway in the air, ready to collapse any second, as he walked away forever. And it ate me up inside. Forever.
“Evan?”
“Yeah?” he answered, turning back as his hand gripped the door.
“I do love you. And I never gave you anything less than everything I had to give.” A solitary tear managed to break through my defenses. “And I’ll always regret that it wasn’t enough.”
“Me, too.” And just as he slid out into the hallway, marking the beginning of forever, he quietly added, “Because I would’ve spent my life with you.”
The first day was always the hardest. Work was my crutch. It helped take my mind off the loss my heart was having difficulty accepting. A solid week went by before my head stopped checking to see who walked through the door every time it squeaked…’cause it was never him. And if he ever sneaked a peek of me through the glass windows or across the avenue, I never knew.
I missed him. I missed waking up every morning in his arms, even though we both claimed to hate cuddling while we slept. I loved that even to our last day, he was paranoid his mother would do something to scare me off. And I adored that he was secretly scared of spiders. I still laughed when I remembered the day I caught him trying to swat one off a web, squawking and springing back and forth like he was fencing, but his sword was a rolled newspaper that shook so hard it practically unraveled by the time the spider met its demise. And then there was the sex. I may not have much to compare it to, but that boy was all over the spectrum, and always had me guessing his next move, which made it anything but boring.
Thinking all these things made it hard to move on, and my mind continued to remind me, to fight against letting him go.
Sophie returned from her honeymoon after my second week of officially being single. She had shot me the occasional text to say hello and brag about all the things they were doing across Micronesia. Like I promised myself, I refused to tell her until she got back that Evan and I broke up on her wedding night. It cost me a lot of yelling, but it also got her to come visit the following Sunday, ‘cause I just wasn’t gonna rehash all the details over the phone.
Unfortunately, with my miserable funk, I wasn’t the best company right now.
“I can’t believe you guys are over. There were these moments when you two were lost in your own world, that I thought to myself, how ridiculously happy you seemed.” She was sitting in the only chair I had in this shoebox, with her feet kicked up on the end of the bed. She softly nudged my foot, as I was sprawled out on my back on the bed, and I lifted my head to meet those piercing blue eyes. She cocked her head sideways, basically saying, I came all the way here, acknowledge me.
My head crashed back down on the pillow. “It felt happy too. Who knew it’d all go to shit so fast.”
“I’m sorry I invited him for you. If I hadn’t…”
We’d still be together. Yeah, I knew, but I hardly blamed Sophie for that fiasco. “Something else happened the night of your wedding that I haven’t told you about yet.”
“Oh, yeah? Go ahead. Lay it on Mrs. Murdock.”
I rolled my eyes playfully. That was the third time she’d thrown her married name into the conversation. “Robert said he came back for me.”
Sophie shot up like she’d been bounced off a spring. “He. What? And you’re just now telling me this?!” she yelled, her hands squeezing her cell phone so hard I cringed, waiting for the screen to shatter. “Jenna! I’m your fuckin’ BFF! Come hell or high water, you’re supposed to tell me this shit the second it happens!”
“I didn’t wanna drag you aboard the drama express in the middle of your wedding.”
“Are you effing kidding me? I live for drama when it’s not my own! What did he say? When did this happen?”
“When we went to the bar. We were going at each other about who was to blame for the breakup. He said he came to get me last spring and ended up catching me with Evan. We weren’t able to really talk about it ‘cause Charlotte came and got us, and then I had to deal with Evan. That was the last time I saw him.”
“So, does he want you now?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know, and to tell you the truth, I’m a little burned out in that department right now. Both of these guys apparently loved me and they both kicked me to the curb. I don’t think my heart can take any more bruising right now. I just wanna lie here for a million years and catch up on my rest.”
I closed my eyes and sighed, my body sinking deeper into the comforter. The silence was perfect, sans the TV I heard through my neighbor’s wall…until a nudge against my foot reminded me I wasn’t alone. “Hmm?”
“If he did want you back, would you want him?”
“Honestly…I don’t know. I’m having the same problem I did last time, but this time, it’s Evan that’s constantly on my mind. I’m not ready to date anyone else, not even Robert.”
“Then just be friends. That boy has gone downhill without you. I don’t know what you did for him that Anne’s not, but you stabilize him somehow. He just seems so miserable.”
I did miss him. After Sophie, he’d known me the longest. Hell, after living with him for a year and a half, he’d actually spent the most time with me out of anyone. And now that Evan had exited stage left, my days were lonely again. Can two miserables make a happy?
“Yeah. Maybe I’ll give him a call sometime.”
Sophie dug through her purse and a few seconds later a jingling object landed hard on my breastbone, making my body cringe up like a dying spider. “Ouch!”
“Go see him,” she commanded, pointing to the door.
“Go?” I placed the keys with the umpteen decorative rings on the table beside me. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Why not?”
“’Cause it’s already noon on a Sunday, it’s the middle of summer so he could be anywhere in the world right now, and I have to work tomorrow.”
“You’re such a chicken shit.”
“No,” I defended, but yeah, I totally was a little. Our last discussion ended a little uncomfortably and I’d rather hide behind a telephone that could accidentally die on me in case I felt the need to bail.
“First off, it’s only eleven, and if you take my car, you can get to his parents’ house and back by tonight.”
“His parents’ house?” I burst. Hell to the no!
“He didn’t want that apartment anymore so he didn’t renew the lease. And he’s got a few weeks before the apartment he does want is available, so he’s crashing with his parents until then.”
“You want me to willingly go into the devil’s lair? Mommie Dearest will be beating me back with freakin’ wire hangers if I even think of nearing her son again.”
“Girl, I’m about to do the same right here.”
Getting slightly annoyed that she wanted me to leave the warmth of my bedroom, I asked rudely, “Why do you even care?” All the expression fell from her face, everything that made Sophie, Sophie, and I suddenly felt even worse.
“Because my best friend and Jhett’s best friend are both sinking fast into the pit of despair. And as hard as we try, we can’t seem to pull you guys back out. Robert’s in particularly deep, but he’s got several months on you. So if you’re willing and he’s willing, I think you two can save each other.”
Well, shit. How do you argue against that?
Ugh. I kicked the rock at my feet, almost hitting my target of that ridiculously expensive garden gnome – damn thing had always creeped me out. The last time I found myself at this house I wanted to bash Robert’s mother’s skull in for a Christmas present to myself.
(Did I mention my mood had gone to shit since Evan and I broke up?) Batter up!
I took a deep breath and pushed the ridiculously elaborate musical doorbell. At least I was gonna have spontaneity on my side.
And apparently, so did Mrs. Jennings. Izzy or their butler, Thomas, would’ve let me in without hesitation, so I never thought getting through the door would be an issue. But I was pretty sure I assumed the deer-in-the-headlights expression the moment Mrs. Jenning’s opened the door to face me.
Holy hell.
She was nothing if not formal. “Yes? How may I help you today, Jenna?” She even gave me a fake, pleasant smile.
Thankfully, the frog that was caught in my throat dislodged quickly enough to avoid stammering my reply. “Hello, Mrs. Jennings. I’d like to speak with Robert, please.” Oops. I think I cringed on the please.
“I’m sorry. He’s not here.”
She moved to close the door. If she thought she was getting rid of me that easily after I came all this way, she had another thing coming. “His car’s in the driveway.”
Guess she forgot about that ‘cause there was a split second where she seemed taken aback. “Yes, well, his car may be here, but Robert’s not. I’ll mention to him that you came by.”
Like hell she would.
The door was almost shut when my body spontaneously thrusted forward, barging all the way through to the foyer. She jumped at my brazenness, but quickly regained composure to cross her arms at me.
“What the hell is your problem?” I snapped.
“Excuse me?”
“Ya’ know, I’d love to. But some things are just inexcusable and you seem to be the Queen Bee Bitch of that list.” I totally knew I needed to shut up, and that I was crossing a line I’d never be able to fall back behind again, but I just couldn’t help myself. The release felt so good, and if I could do one positive thing for Robert moving forward, perhaps I could bring his mother down a notch and a little closer to reality with the rest of us.
“Once and for all, what the hell is your problem? I always thought you were a bitch to me ‘cause you thought I wasn’t good enough for your son, but I’m not even dating him anymore and you’re still treating me like shit! What the hell did I ever do to you?”