by J. H. Croix
Most of all, I knew this kind of thing cost money. A lot of it. While Jeremy had paid for everything so far, I couldn’t expect him to keep doing it. “I’ll start making a list for you, but Savannah about the cost…”
“Not to worry about that, Marie. Jeremy has been making payments and we’ve more than enough to cover the immediate costs for now.” Her tone was assuring, calm. Strangely, although I’d found her thus far to have a comforting effect on me, I couldn’t say the same for this phone call.
I didn’t know why, but it was riling me up, ruffling me up in all the wrong ways. Knowing it wouldn’t bring me anywhere to be rude to her, I got a grip on my frustration and annoyance about the money issue and ended the call. “Thank you, I’ll think about that list. Have a good evening.”
“You too,” she said before disconnecting the line.
Staring at my phone, I scrolled through my contacts in hopes of starting to narrow down that list for her, but I couldn’t bring myself to focus on it. All I could think of was how much this must be costing. It bothered me that I didn’t even know how much money Jeremy had spent.
Jeremy refused to tell me anything, insisting that he didn’t want me to worry about the money. But I was worried about it. This was my child. And my fight. I appreciated Jeremy’s help, but I didn’t like the way he shut me down whenever I tried to talk to him about it.
Being in love with him didn’t change who I was. One of the ways Wesley used to control me was with money. It didn’t feel like Jeremy was doing anything remotely like what Wesley used to, but it was a trigger for me.
I’d been trying to silence the inner alarm bells that had started ringing when I’d found out Jeremy wanted to cover all of my legal costs, but they were blaring so loudly now, I couldn’t ignore them any longer. I needed answers, whether I liked them or not. Being kept in the dark was making me feel like he thought I was too weak to handle it. I wouldn’t allow him, or anyone, to make me feel that way. Not ever again.
Jeremy and Arcadian arrived for dinner about an hour after I’d hung up with Savannah. They were here almost every night now, but this was the first time I wished he wouldn’t have come. I was seething inside by the time he arrived. While I wasn’t going to start a fight with Austin there, I also didn’t feel like acting like nothing was wrong when everything inside me was screaming at me that something most certainly was.
“Hey, baby,” Jeremy said, stepping through the door with a grocery bag in one hand and Arcadian’s leash in the other. He gave me that smile that usually sent a curl of need through me. My resolve to get to the bottom of this tonight nearly crumbled right along with my self- control, but no.
The entire problem I had was his perception that I was too weak to handle the financial consequences and strain of the case. Giving in to him after he flashed me one damn smile would only make me feel like he was right. Like I was weak.
Instead, I didn’t respond when he tried to kiss me hello, giving him a quick peck on the cheek instead. He frowned, looking around to see if Austin was in the room as an explanation for my cold greeting. His frown deepened when he realized Austin wasn’t in here with us.
“He’s building a puzzle in his room,” I told him, my tone clipped as I turned and walked to the kitchen. Jeremy followed me, clearly puzzled by my behavior.
“Okay, why the brush off then?”
“I didn’t brush you off,” I countered, taking the grocery bag he held up and unpacking a cooked chicken, some veggies and garlic bread.
It smelled divine. And he’d gone to pick it up from a small deli nearby that I loved. I’d only mentioned that place to him once, but he nodded toward the bag with an accomplished smile on his lips. “I thought you might like that. It’s the place you told me about the other day.”
He wasn’t looking for praise or validation, I knew that much. It was my reaction he was after, at least that was what I thought. I always swooned over gestures like this, kissing him until we were both panting.
Not today, buddy. “Yes, it is. Thank you.”
Smile dropping from his face, Jeremy filled Arcadian’s water bowl and set it down on the floor before marching over to me. He lifted his hand to touch my face, but I stopped him by catching his wrist. “Don’t.”
“Why not?” he asked, his arm dropping like a weight to his side. His voice went flat, eyes dark and worried. “What’s wrong, Marie?”
“Not now,” I whispered, hearing Austin padding to the kitchen.
Jeremy must’ve heard his footsteps too, because he gave me a long look, nodded and fixed a smile to his face when Austin entered the kitchen. “What’s up, buddy? How was the clown at daycare today?”
Austin’s face lit up as he repeated the story he’d told me in the car on the way home to Jeremy, leaving me to my disquieting thoughts. Jeremy listened to Austin as he did every night, but his eyes drifted over to me every so often.
I could see his heart wasn’t in the Tales of Austin’s Day, the name we’d come up with for their nightly bonding sessions, not the way it usually was. Dinner seemed to drag on and the longer it took, the more antsy I became for answers.
“Ready for bed?” I asked Austin once his show was done.
He nodded sleepily, patting Arcadian on the head and giving Jeremy a hug when he dropped to his haunches. “Good night, Jeremy. Sweet dreams.”
“Sleep well, little man.”
Austin climbed into his bed, already half asleep by the time his head hit the pillow. I was one page into the story I’d promised to read him tonight when his breathing evened out and he drifted off to sleep. Pressing a soft kiss to his temple, I adjusted his blanket to cover his shoulders and whispered good night.
“Down for the count?” Jeremy asked as I walked into the living room. He was sitting cross-legged on the floor with Arcadian sleeping by his side and two uncapped beers on the coffee table. “Want one?”
“Please.”
He handed it to me and I took a long drink, feeling my earlier nerves rising at an alarming rate now that we were finally alone. “We need to talk.”
“I figured.” He groaned softly, his eyes fluttering closed before focusing on mine. He took a deep breath, fear and hurt fighting for space in his eyes. “You going to put me out of my misery or just keep staring at your beer all night?”
“I wasn’t...” I started, but then I sighed. I’d been watching him from the corner of my eye, but my attention was most decidedly on my beer. “I spoke to Savannah earlier.”
His spine snapped straight. “Did something happen with the case?”
“No, she’s just doing some prep work.”
Relaxing, he breathed a sigh of relief. When he saw I wasn’t following suit, his eyes jumped back to mine. “What did she say, then?”
“I asked her about payment, and...”
“I already told you, that’s…”
“Taken care of, I know.”
“Then why ask her about it?” He didn’t sound hurt, exactly, but there was definitely something there.
Searching his eyes, I swallowed a sigh when I realized I wasn’t getting my answers there. His expression was blank. It might as well have been an empty canvas, which made me worry he was hiding something. “Because this has to be getting awfully expensive, Jeremy. And you won’t talk to me about it at all. You won’t accept any help or even tell me what it’s costing.”
“Because I’ve got this.” Exasperation laced his tone, kicking my frustration into overdrive.
“Do not speak to me like that,” I practically hissed, years of being patronized by Wesley causing my vision to go tinged with red. It didn’t matter that I knew Jeremy wasn’t like that, wasn’t patronizing me. I hated being spoken to with any measure of exasperation, more especially when I knew I didn’t deserve it.
Jeremy held his hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out that way.”
“What did you mean then?”
Dragging his hands through his hair, he
clutched at the nape of his neck and lifted his eyes to look squarely into mine. “I meant that I’m paying for this attorney, no matter what. You don’t have to worry about it, so please stop.”
“Where are you getting the money from to cover these expenses, Jeremy? Tell me that, and I’ll stop worrying. Maybe.” I’d been worried that the case was going to drain my savings. I couldn’t allow it to drain Jeremy’s instead. “You don’t want to tell me how much it’s costing, but I know it has to be a lot.”
“It’s not as much as you think.” His expression was still carefully blank.
I dropped my chin to my chest, folding my arms. “Are you being serious? I’m not stupid, a lawyer like Savannah putting in the hours she is on this? Whether it’s as much as I think or not, it’s still not coming cheap. So where are you getting the money from?”
“Does it matter?”
Another non-answer. His evasiveness was causing chills to run down my spine. If I’d been suspicious before, it was nothing compared to how I was feeling now. “It does to me. Especially since you won’t tell me.”
“It’s not that. I just...”
“If you say ‘you just don’t want me to worry about it’, so help me God I will fire that woman tomorrow and find my own lawyer. One that I pay for myself. I’ve learned enough to know that we have a good case, I’d rather do this on my own than be lied to or manipulated.”
Jeremy’s jaw loosened, looking like he’d stopped it just before it dropped. “You think I’m lying to you? Manipulating you?”
Staring at him, I shook my head slowly. “I don’t know. All I know is it feels like you’re not telling me the whole story.”
He held my gaze for a few beats before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. When he opened them again, he looked pained. “Look, I can’t tell you where I got the money. Okay? If I could, I would. Just know that when it’s safe to tell you, I will.”
“When it’s safe to tell me?” I ran my hands through my hair, taking a deep breath. “I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I’m not okay with that. I need you to understand my feelings about this, and you clearly don’t. I need some space, Jeremy. Would you please leave?”
It was the first time I was upset enough to ask him to leave. As I watched him go, my heart ached. I wanted to run out and stop him from leaving, bring him back to me.
But I also knew what I’d told him was true, I needed some space. I needed to think. And I couldn’t do that with him around. I also needed to find out what the hell he meant. I was too upset just now to argue the point.
Chapter Nineteen
Jeremy
"For fuck sake!" I slammed the lid of my laptop shut and brought the heels of my hands to my eyes to rub them. Nothing was working out the way I'd planned lately and the re-conciliations I'd been staring at for hours only seemed to be the final fuck you from the universe.
My once carefully controlled life where everything was in its place and the only people who really mattered were my brothers had spun completely out of control. Worst of all, not only had I not been able to stop things from spiraling, I'd actively grabbed the damn wheel and spun it as hard as I could to help it.
As I might have expected if I'd not had my head so far up my own ass, my neatly packaged life now lay wrecked in front of me. The debris spread far and wide, so much so that I wasn’t sure where it ended.
And the only person I could blame for the mess I'd made of things was myself. A heavy weight had been settling on my shoulders ever since I left Marie's this weekend and now, by Monday afternoon, it felt like it was crushing me.
A dull throb pounded between my temples, making it hard to think and harder to move. Closing my eyes, I sat back in my office chair and let my head drop back.
The sudden movement was a bad idea and sent a stab of pain through my head, but I didn't care. I deserved to feel some pain after all I'd done.
Even the weather was gloomy, gray and rainy. It started the morning after I'd last seen Marie and didn't look like it would be letting up soon. Heavy drops drove against my office windows and rivulets ran all across the yard.
Personally and professionally, it was like the universe was holding up a big middle finger to me. Professionally, because the phases in which most of our projects were right now meant that we couldn't do much in this kind of weather. The projects we were working indoors would be enough to carry us through the month without much worry, but wouldn't improve the company’s cash flow after expenses were paid.
Personally, the middle finger I was getting was a hell of a lot more serious. Marie's face when she told me she needed space kept flashing in my mind, and it caused me near physical pain to know that the hurt I had seen there was my fault.
I'd done that.
In my nearsighted attempts to help her, I'd screwed up royally. I was consumed by my own guilt over accessing my father's dirty money. I'd only realized it when it felt like she'd punched me straight in the gut when she asked where I'd gotten the money to pay Savannah.
I'd been telling myself it was family money that he'd hidden, but the reality was I had no idea whether that was true. I didn't know where my father got that money from, and I'd chosen to stick my head in the sand for too long.
If I chose to open my eyes, as I'd done only since walking out of Marie's apartment, I would have realized that the money was connected to bad people. There were two guys threatening me because of it for God's sake, of course it was dirty fucking money.
Now that I'd faced the truth, there was a war raging inside me. I was torn because the only reason I needed the money was to help cover the costs of Marie's attorney and to be able to live temporarily in Savannah until the custody case was over.
I couldn't entirely bring myself to regret the choice that I'd made, but having been faced with Marie's reaction, I was also starting to feel like just maybe it wasn't worth it. She didn't even know the whole truth. I couldn’t imagine how she’d look at me if she did.
Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the word mistake in big, bold capital letters blinking back at me. I was starting to realize that maybe the choices I'd made hadn't been the best ones.
The argument with Marie was weighing heavily on me, placing my guilt front and center. I wasn't used to doubting myself, second-guessing myself, or having to face the guilt over making what was possibly a monumental mistake.
I had no idea how to look into that mirror. No idea whether I could fix the mistakes I'd made. What had really chewed me up and spat me out over the weekend was that I had no idea how, or even if, I could fix things with Marie.
Without meaning to, and in fact by trying to do the exact opposite, I'd made her feel to some extent exactly like Wesley had. My stomach twisted at the thought and tension thrummed through me.
That was what had me tied up in knots.
I couldn't believe I'd done that to her. Couldn't believe that I was now the one who couldn't look into her eyes and give her the honest answers she deserved.
She wasn't going to let this go, nor should she, but I also couldn't tell her the truth. Not because of some cowardly worry that she would kick me to the curb if she knew. I was man enough to face reality, but the last thing I wanted to do was to drag her even deeper into this.
I was starting to think that I should just grab one of those shovels out in the yard and carry it around with me. It felt like no matter what I did, I was just digging myself a deeper hole.
Sitting dejectedly down in said hole, however, wasn't me. Sure, it felt like my world was caving in around me in an uncontrolled landslide I'd caused. But hanging around and waiting to be buried in it wasn't my style.
Forcing my eyes open and straightening up, another stab of pain shot through my head but again, I ignored it. It was time to make this right. Much as I hated myself for having to reach out and ask for help, I wasn't stupid enough to believe I could do this on my own.
Maybe if I'd admitted to myself earlier that I needed help, things would never h
ave gotten quite this far. But I was going to go ahead and chalk it up as a life lesson. Hopefully, this was a better-late-than-never situation. There was only one way to find out.
Snagging my phone from my desk, I pulled up Sonny’s number and made the call, my gut churning as the phone rang in my ear.
"How's it going, bro?" Sonny chirped into the phone, sounding relaxed and happy to hear from me. That wasn't going to last long.
"I fucked up." There was no way to get to the other side of this conversation but to get through it. No point wasting time with small talk or platitudes.
Sonny paused, all traces of relaxation dropping from his voice. "How? What did you do?"
Taking a deep breath, I gripped my phone tighter and then told him the whole sordid story from beginning to end. I didn't leave anything out. This was the first step in the one possible chance at redemption I was going to get. I wasn't going to waste it.
Sonny didn't interrupt me once, except for a few well-placed muttered curses. When I was done, he was quiet at first.
"I knew something was going on with you,” he finally said.
"I know you did." How many times had I looked into his eyes and lied? Whether it was an outright lie, or my intentionally skirting the truth didn't matter, it had happened.
"And you're telling me this now, why? Because your girl threw you out on your ass?” he muttered darkly. I could tell he was only getting started. "What the fuck, Jeremy? If you needed money, you could've asked. Between the five of us, we would have been able to make a plan. We might not have our trust fund, but goddammit we're not paupers. Pretty sure we all have savings. Beau probably would have been able to bankroll this from his pocket change. I know you hate asking for help, but surely it would have been better than getting caught up in this shit show."
Sonny was breathing deeply, but he wasn’t out of steam yet. "Those guys I saw at your office the other day, the two men who raced away when I got there, that was them wasn't it? The guys who are threatening you."