by Nicole Conn
“Yeah, well, I’ll be ’round for auntie duty right after that screaming infant, oogie diaper stage.” Wave sputtered, then winked and snuggled closely to Peyton, her eyes gleaming across the counter at Tea. Wave turned her attention back to Peyton.
“Hey.” Wave took Peyton’s hand. “I know it’s taken a few months, but you finally look like you’re among the living.”
“Well, that would be the spray tan,” Peyton demurred.
*
Several hours later, Peyton hugged her dear friend and said goodbye to Tea, and decided to just walk for a bit, up and down streets of storefronts near Pinot Latte, vaguely window-shopping and feeling so much better than she had for so long. Just finally feeling good, inside her bones. Because she ultimately knew that every moment she lived wasn’t going to be always filled with heartache and missing…missing her. But, instead, it would be filled with a hope for the future, like that one woman had said at the first orientation. That’s what they were all looking for. A hope for a better tomorrow. And this time, Peyton was laser focused and as she had promised Wave, nothing, NOTHING was going to get in the way of finding the child she was supposed to be raising, lifting up into the world and giving every opportunity to be the best he or she could be.
Excitement. That was what she felt. For the first time in months. For the first time since…
And there, as if ordained, was a baby boutique right in her path. What the hell. So it was early, but why not go in and look at the clothes and all the fun little toys?
Peyton meandered through the rather large but fully stocked store. There were so many racks of clothing—she had to smile, there were oodles of things ghts of thto select from. She had had no idea how huge the baby market was.
She rounded a rack of discounted summer clothes and knocked forcefully into another customer who she was profusely apologizing to when she realized it was Tori.
“Hey,” Peyton finally said, when she caught her breath and bearings.
“Hey…uhmm…hi there…” Tori returned, just as stunned and even more flabbergasted when Nash joined them.
Nash simply stared, then muttered. “Uh…hey.”
The three stood paralyzed for a long moment.
Tori finally broke the silence. “Wow. Oddly enough I was just reading this morning about the correlation of coincidence to the concept of fatalism—that all things occur as the result of a predetermined path, plan or formula...”
“Tori, what are you talking about?”
Peyton and Nash exchanged nervous glances.
“...which would—you know—really sort of throw a good deal of weight to the premise that the three of us running into one another was probably inevitable.”
“What...what are you doing?” Peyton indicated the baby store, “...here?”
And then she realized she had probably put her foot in it. “Oh my God, Tori, are you expecting?”
“I may spout statistics, but trust me, I most assuredly have no intention of becoming one!”
Nash glanced away and Tori still had no clue how quickly she was running her foot into her mouth. “I’m much smarter than that. Plus, Nash and I still belong to the narrow majority of the teen population who practice abstinence. Not because we too won’t be an ‘inevitable probability’—but because we love one another without all that sorta thing. No, we’re getting stuff for the new baby.”
“Ohhh...is Elena...are you all finally adopting?”
“Mom’s pregnant,” Nash stated in a sort of attitudinal “duh.”
Peyton’s face dropped and her stomach plummeted. It took her a moment to wrap her mind around this.
Nash stuttered, “I...I thought you knew—”
“How...why would I know that?”
“I thought that’s why...well...you left her alone.”
Peyton could not speak. She couldn’t breathe. She didn’t even try to say goodbye. She felt the room closing in on her, was vaguely aware she mutter
“You know, Nash,” Tori informed her boyfriend, “being subtle really isn’t your strong suit.”
They both stood a moment, staring at one another. Nash shook his head and muttered, “Now what in the hell am I supposed to do?”
Tori waited a long moment, then put a hand in his, leaned her head against his chest and softly patted it where his heart lay beneath. “Follow this.”
*
Peyton and Wave sat in the dark, after hours, killing a bottle of wine. They had been at it for some time, both sunken in their seats. Peyton’s eyes were rimmed with agony…
“You know what rips my craw?” Wave blurted. “On some level, I had, you know, begun to believe in her…that she had done the noble thing.”
“Yeah...I thought she had reduced us to the most boring cliché in the lesbian universe. But I had no earthly idea how duplicitous a person she could be. Me. The person who doesn’t trust…trusting the worst person I could.”
Peyton shook her head, trying to focus, but she was almost so drunk she was sober. “I…I still can’t believe I fell for it...what a schmuck...”
“Had me fooled. I mean, she’s good. Really good.”
“She had to have been fucking him the entire time.”
“You know...she could have...I mean, technically, she could have gotten pregnant after you broke up.”
“That makes me feel so much better.”
“Well, it would be possible and it would make this a whole lot more tolerable.”
“What—to think that to get over us, she had to jump into bed with him?”
“No, sweetie,” Wave suggested softly. Since she had been with Tea, she was so much gentler, so less prone to go into a tirade against things she felt were unfair in the universe. “Maybe the pain was so much for her, she decided to continue to do what she had been doing all along. You know, the same thing you’re doing. Trying to have a baby. And maybe since she didn’t care, it took. She stopped being desperate.”
“Great.”
“I just think you have to give her the benefit of the doubt...” Wave hiccupped, “because to tell you the God’s bloody truth, since Tea, I’ve become a believer. Maybe you should go and see Tyler. Get a reading—”
“He is the last person I want to see. I want nothing more to do with her world. Ever.”
Peyton slammed her wineglass down and left the room.
*
Elena walked through the park, along the same path she and Peyton had grown so fond of as their relationship had deepened, the one with the winding curve by the brook, that ended at a breathtaking and panoramic view of the city.
She sighed. Yes, there was an undeniable specialness to this place that somehow gave her sustenance.
She eased herself down upon a bench. Touched the gentle swell of her stomach.
Tyler joined Elena, sat and leaned to kiss her cheek. “Hi beautiful beyond beautiful mom.”
He put his hands to her stomach. “How’s our little one doing?” He added, “Was that a kick?”
Elena glanced at Tyler, smiled in the affirmative.
“Oh, Elena, I never knew this could be so amazing. You know, I’ve always wanted this to happen, but to actually be a part of something so wonderful…” He bent to her stomach and cooed, “Tyler’s going to take such good care of you and teach you all about Soulemetry and convince your mom to give it another go someday.”
Elena shook her head, and leaned into him. “You!”
“Well, I’ve got to have the baby growing up with the right set of beliefs!”
She moved closer to Tyler, feeling a bit of the chill from the breeze. He took off his brown corduroy jacket and covered her shoulders, put an arm about her to warm her.
“I...I thought somehow, this would make it okay.” Elena glanced at her stomach and then back out at the view. “And, of course, I know once the baby comes it will be okay... but I feel like I’m walking through this pregnancy like a mindless drone.”
“Perhaps not mindless...perhaps just lonely, fe
eling a bit soulless.”
“Oh Tyler—”
“So, my beautiful woman,” Tyler sighed, and looked out at the vast expanse before them. “Why don’t you call her?”
“I tried. You know that.”
“That was months ago.” Tyler hooked Elena’s hand to his arm. “Maybe she just needed some time.”
“I don’t know. I…I just feel like I hurt her so badly.”
“I’m not swagging from one of my webisodes, sweetheart, but let me tell you a story.”
Tyler got her all set up, relaxed her into a calming position against him. “I don’t ever think I told you about how Lily and I really got together.”
Elena’s head swiveled to Tyler, in surprise. “What do you mean?”
“Well, you know I met her in Paris. But you don’t know how we actually came together, the circumstances over which we fully realized we were meant to be with one another.”
“I thought you met at a wedding?”
“Yes, but you never knew it was her wedding.”
“What?” Elena bolted upright, shook Tyler by the arm. “What are you talking about?”
“Lily and I actually first met during a phase in my life you aren’t aware of. I’d been living in Paris, working on a play. At the time I had fallen hard. For the lead. It was a man, by the name of Louis. And Louis Jordan he was—all the way. He had that full thick head of hair, fine features, that same insanely enticing accent. I’d dabbled with both sexes at the academy and I was just in the process of coming out. But when I found Louis I thought, that’s it. I’m gay, I know it now. This is the man for me. But I wasn’t the man for him. Although we had a torrid affair that lasted six months, he told me early on he was engaged to be married to a very distant relative, a setup from his family. Sort of a business merger.”
“Lily?”
“Yes. He’d told me about her, showed me pictures, but I didn’t believe it. I remembered when I looked at her thinking, what a striking woman and all wrong for Louis. I didn’t think he’d actually be able to pull it off, and he’d realize before it was too late that we belonged together. He told me he valued my friendship immensely, but what we had was over. He came from a family so lofty among the Paris elite, being gay wasn’t an option—even if the French are known to be open-minded. He broke it off, but he invited me to the wedding.”
“I can’t believe you even considered going.”
“Well, I didn’t.” Tyler paused and thought back. “But I received a letter, written so beautifully, so eloquently from his fiancée, telling me he had been honest about our relationship and she so wanted me to share their day, and she also wanted me to know if his happiness was in any way sacrificed, she was more than open to him having a lover. Can you get over it?”
“Lily negotiating.” Elena had to shake her head. “The woman has balls of steel.”
“It truly came from her heart. I happened to get drunk the day of the wedding, with no intention of going, when a car arrived for me, again, arranged by Lily, and by then, I was so stinking, I thought, what the hell, I’ll go and have some closure.”
“The wedding was beautiful, ornate, ostentatious, done with class and all out from here to Sunday. And the strangest thing happened. When I watched the two of them, watched them exchange nuptials, something in me clicked. I knew he was gone. Afterward, at the reception, when I met Lily, she was nothing but lovely and warm, and toward the end of the evening, she pulled me aside, and again told me she had no intention of keeping Louis from anything that made him happy.”
Tyler turned to Elena and she could see the love shining brightly in his eyes thinking back to how he and Lily had started. “I had to ask her if she was really that selfless, and she answered in these exact words: ‘I don’t look at it in terms of selflessness. I know this was an arranged marriage more for business than anything else, and while I’m fond of Louis, I’m no more in love with him than he with me. And even if I was, I believe in freedom. I believe a person needs to be who they are. And I also believe a person can only love who they love. If it’s meant to be, it will work out.’”
“A few months later, I heard they had separated. The following spring, I was packing up to leave, getting ready to head to New York, when I got a phone call. It was from Louis. He said he was in town, heard I was leaving and wanted to have drinks for old time’s sake. When I showed up at the bar, my hope, my intention had been to win him back. Now that he was free, what was to stop him? But when I was shown to his table, Lily was sitting there, reading some contract or other. I saw Louis at the bar ordering drinks. I swear to God, I don’t know what happened, because when I sat to join them, I could have cared less about Louis. But Lily? Oh my heavens! I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Louis made small talk and all Lily and I did was gaze into one another’s eyes, until finally I didn’t know what to think.”
Elena couldn’t help but laugh. “This is too crazy.”
“Isn’t it?” Tyler laughed. “So there I am, over my man crush and here is this woman, that to me is now the only person on the planet. Lily finally turns to Louis and says, ‘You know, sweetie, I think we can take it from here.’”
“Louis was flabbergasted. He’d come for the same reason I had. To hook up with me—even if it was only for a bon voyage f— oops.” Tyler remembered the baby and whispered to Elena’s stomach, “Sorry. Anyway, he glances from Lily to me, and could see the cards on the table. When he left, Lily looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘Goddamn it man, you have wasted so much of my time! I haven’t stopped thinking about you since my wedding day. And I have a lot to do. I can’t be spending all my time daydreaming when I have work to do.’ And that was all she wrote.”
“Tyler—why haven’t you ever told me this before?” Elena was still mystified by this whole new side of Tyler and Lily.
“Because I knew you wouldn’t get it, couldn’t relate to it. Until now. You have to go find out if Peyton’s the one. And, trust me, you’ll know when you see her. If she’s not, no harm no foul. If she is, then by God, Elena, you’ve got to stop wasting your time.”
*
Peyton packed boxes with a vengeance. She had made up her mind, and now she was going to get this done. She had kept all her mom’s old books, papers and antiquities for the past year and a half, but now it was time. Time to clear everything out. Time to start anew. Everything had to go. She moved with efficiency and speed, walked out with one of the boxes.
As she opened the door, Elena moved surreptitiously through the maze of boxes and clutter and when she turned Peyton was cleaning off some dust from her sleeveless T-shirt.
Peyton stopped, dead in her tracks.
“Elena…”
“Peyton…I—”
“Elena...what are you doing here?”
Elena glanced about the boxes, and panicked. “What are you doing? Are you moving?”
“No. I just finally went through all my mother’s stuff to go to the women’s shelter.”
“Oh…oh, I see.” Elena could not catch her breath, feeling dizzy suddenly. Why had she come here?
“Yeah, the social worker’s coming next week, and I’d like for things to look tidy…up to…” she said, and then wondered why in the hell she was explaining anything to this woman.
“Oh…yes, for the adoption, right?”
“Yes.” Peyton’s voice tightened. “Look, I’m sort of in a hurry. I’ve got to get all this stuff out of here by the end of the day.”
“Oh...okay. Can I help you with anything?”
“No!”
They both stopped short at her vehemence.
“I...I don’t think you should be lifting at this point.”
Elena was confused.
“What do you want, Elena?”
Elena stood there, empty-handed. “I just wanted to see you.”
“Why?”
Elena was hurt, not sure where to take the conversation, feeling more and more dizzy by the moment.
“Can we, at leas
t, talk for a few moments?”
“I don’t think there’s really anything for us to talk about,” Peyton said as she returned to her packing, shoving books inside a box with vigor. “I think you should go.ink you d go.i
Elena walked up to her, took the books from Peyton’s hands and put them aside.
“I know you’re hurt. So am I. I just want to explain—”
“Elena. I don’t want to talk with you.”
“Pey—”
“Save it!” Peyton stood there, trembling as confusion turned to anger.
“Please, listen to me—”
But Peyton could only feel her rage. “Listen to you? Oh my God. Why? You lied to me the entire time we were together.”
Elena had to sit. Peyton was standing there so angry and everything had gotten so twisted. She wanted to explain, but her senses were reeling, she felt as if she were in a dream, as if she could not control what came out, “I told you, I...would never lie—”
“You were fucking him this whole time to get pregnant? God, you played me—”
“Peyton—” Elena was growing more disoriented by the second, her body suddenly feeling so heavy…
“You played me. Good for you. So maybe I’m stupid as sin, but you know what you are? You’re nothing but a whore!”
Her head spinning, she felt pummeled, assaulted. As Elena began to reach for a chair, Wave walked in.
Stopped in her tracks. “Oh, bloody hell! What are you doing here?”
Wave approached her like an attack dog. Elena could see how much the woman despised her.
Everything began to spin. And then it all went black.
“Elena!” Peyton screamed.
*
Peyton paced the hospital waiting room as Wave tried to calm her. She felt terrible, horrified to think she had caused Elena to faint. What if something happened to the baby? At the same time she was so angry with her she could not stop shaking. And then she was wondering why the hell she didn’t just leave the hospital. This wasn’t her problem. This was none of her business.