“Oh, my God, no! It was all me,” his voice dropped to a whisper. “I… I panicked.”
“Why?”
He jumped to his feet and paced between the door and the windows, the longest distance in the room. He rubbed the back of his head and neck again and stared at the carpet.
Like a caged animal. A few steps in one direction, a few back…
“Did you feel imprisoned? Did I take away your freedom?” Stella stared at him. Had she sabotaged their relationship without knowing it?
“No! You didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing.” He stopped in front of a window and looked outside.
His voice was almost impossible to hear when he said, “I was afraid one day soon you’d realize I was not enough for you. It happened to me once, and I couldn’t bear to go through it again. Especially not with you.”
Her head snapped up. “What are you saying?”
He turned around. His dark, soulful eyes were glittering with unshed tears. He walked to the sofa, sat down, and rubbed his hands over his thighs.
She wanted to comfort him but stayed where she was. Whatever was going on here, he needed to be the one to work his way through it and then explain.
“Adrienne and I met in 2009. We were the leads in a theater production in Chicago. It wasn’t quite as big as Broadway, but got lots of attention, and we had a good run. We started to spend time together offstage, and one thing led to another until we had somehow transitioned from hanging out to dating.”
Stella imagined hundreds of scenarios in her many sleepless nights, but not once had it occurred to her that she’d hear him refer to another woman. She knew he’d been in a few relationships, but he had always said they were casual. She was torn between getting up and leaving and staying to hear what else he had to say. Why had he never told her about this?
“I went on my first touring show in the fall of 2010, Adrienne to a stage production in New York. You know how difficult it can be to get together in person, and it’s never for more than a few days, a week at the most.” He looked at her and winced. “In the spring of 2011, I heard the first rumors about her being seen in compromising situations with the lead of her new show. When I asked her, she waved it off as gossip. But I kept hearing more stories, all very similar to the first one.”
He sipped some water, then took a deep breath. “Each time, she tried to explain it as friends-meeting-for-dinner or so-and-so-is-going-through-a-rough-time. I wanted to believe her, but then she started to accuse me of never being there for her. She told me she needed the physical side of a relationship as much as the intellectual side. I felt guilty, but I didn’t know how to change the situation. Did she expect me to drop everything so she could have more attention and her daily fix in the bedroom? When I learned from a friend of mine that she blamed me for forcing her into having affairs, I couldn’t take it anymore. I flew to New York and broke off with her.”
He regrouped before he continued, “We had agreed to keep our relationship out of the spotlight, but later I learned she had no qualms about throwing my name around to get her special privileges, like admittance to clubs and dinner parties.”
David looked at Stella and said, “I realized too late how good she was at blaming everyone but herself. She threw at me that I should’ve asked her to travel with me, should’ve gotten her roles in my shows, knowing perfectly well that I couldn’t do it. But later I wondered if there was some truth in what she said, even though I’d done the best I could.”
“Did you love her?” She wasn’t sure what she wanted to hear, but she had to know how important this woman had been to him.
“I had strong feelings for her, or I wouldn’t have been in the relationship, but I wasn’t in love.”
He got up and crouched in front of her, reaching for her hands and rubbing them between his.
“You are everything I’ve ever wanted, from the moment I saw you in the park, with your nose buried in your oversized purse. Those six weeks in Philly were some of the happiest of my life. In the two years we dated, I could hardly wait to see you again, to spend time with you. And having your support when I went to Hamburg meant so much to me.
“But when I accepted the job in Budapest, I honestly didn’t know how much longer I’d stay in Europe. All of a sudden, I began to see couples and young families everywhere, and I thought of you, thousands of miles away.
“You never gave me one single reason to think you were unhappy. But I began to worry. How would you be able to build a family with me, if I was always somewhere else? And it wouldn’t have been fair to ask you to travel with me, knowing how much you love Philadelphia and how important your friends are to you.
“I began to ask myself what I had to offer you. I loved you so much, and I was afraid I couldn’t give you everything you deserved. Afraid you’d grow tired of waiting for me. I was scared I wasn’t enough for you, and I’d lose you.”
“Are you crazy? I loved you with all my heart.” Stella couldn’t hold back her tears.
He reached for her hands. “For one stupid moment I thought if I let you go, it wouldn’t hurt as much because I was the one to cut the strings.”
“What about my pain?” she whispered and pulled her hands free and rubbed her forehead.
“We had agreed to talk about our future after your stint in Germany. But then you just dropped me like a rotten egg. And not even in person. You wrote a shitty letter!” Her voice rose at the last five words.
She remembered how she found his letter in her pile of mail. How darkness engulfed her after she read it. How she reached for the phone to call him, not caring about the six-hour time difference or whether he was asleep or not. And how she froze just before she hit the call button. A freeze which lasted for an entire year.
“I’ve regretted writing the damn letter since the day I dropped it in the mailbox. But sadly, once a word is said, it can’t be taken back.” He shook his head, his eyes full of regret, and she could see the pain in them.
But her own pain was also fresh and bitter.
He reached for her hands again, and she didn’t pull away.
“I’ve written many more letters to you since the first one. But I was too ashamed to send any of them, or to call you. I sacrificed you to my own cowardice, and I know it’s unforgivable. When I saw you at the Opera House last Sunday, I thought fate was playing tricks on me. I mean, what were the chances running into you here, of all places? But I knew I couldn’t give up until I saw you again and we talked in person. Aren’t hope and love the last to die?”
David dropped his chin onto his chest. “I’ve allowed my insecurities to control me, and knowing I’ve let you down hurts more than it would have if you’d broken up with me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she couldn’t believe it. They never had secrets—or so she believed.
Words he said to her three years ago came back and realization hit her.
Gently, she lifted his face and looked deep into his eyes as she said, “You did try to tell me, David, didn’t you? Before you left Philly, you asked me to let you know if I ever felt neglected.”
He nodded. “I should’ve told you the reason, too. I know I have no right to ask you for anything, and I can’t take back the letter, but I hope you’ll give me another chance and let me make it up to you. You’re everything to me.”
Stella slid out of her chair and knelt on the carpet with him.
“I’ve never stopped loving you, David. You’re all I ever wanted, and I didn’t mind waiting for you to come back to America.” She kissed his tears away as he had kissed hers earlier. “Maybe I would’ve gone to get you if you stayed away much longer. But you never gave me the chance to find out.”
“Do you believe in second chances?” he asked.
“I believe in love, and I believe in destiny,” she said. “And I’ve always believed in us. Which is why I was so stunned and didn’t know how to reply to your letter.”
He pull
ed her close and hugged her. “I know we belong together. Please, can we put this behind us?”
“You should’ve trusted me, David, should’ve told me about your fears. Then it never would’ve gotten to this point. A kiss and a hug won’t be enough to get us through this. But I want you...”
His mouth was on hers before she could finish the sentence. He crushed her to his chest, never breaking the kiss. She put her arms around his neck and pressed her body against his. He was her lifeline, and she couldn’t let go.
He stood up with her in his arms, and she could feel how much he wanted her. “Baby, let me show you…”
Sleeping with David probably broke every rule in every self-help book available. But she had longed to be in his arms for what had seemed to be forever, and she was willing to throw caution to the wind.
He walked them toward the bedroom, but when he pushed the door open, she broke the kiss, pressed her face against his shoulder and panted, “Stop.”
“Baby, I swear I didn’t plan this. I mean, yes, I want to make love to you, but if you think it’s too soon, we’ll wait.” He set her down on the bed.
“No, I want this as much as you do.” She looked at him and bit her lower lip. “But I can’t.”
“What am I missing?” he asked as he sat next to her sliding his fingers up and down her arm until she shivered. It was such a simple gesture, but incredibly erotic, and she had missed it so much.
“The timing’s not good.” She looked away, almost bashful.
“Are you afraid dinner will get cold?”
She giggled and shook her head. “No, but… Aunt Flo is traveling with me.”
“You don’t…” She saw the moment he understood. He grinned from ear to ear when he said, “Oh, I promise I’ll find other ways to satisfy you without going the whole way.”
She kissed him. “I know you would. But maybe it’s better to take things a little slow for now. Let’s not rush into anything.”
“Slow it is. For now.” He looked at her swollen lips and leaned closer. “I like it slooowww.”
“You’re terrible.” She gave his shoulder a little push, which was a big mistake. She needed more physical contact and wrapped her arms around his neck again and pulled him down.
A loud knock on the door startled them, followed by a muffled voice. “Room service.”
“And I thought that only happens in movies.” She sat up, grinning and trying to straighten her hair.
Laughing, David got up, pulled his shirt out to cover the front of his pants and went to answer the door.
Stella took a moment to collect her thoughts. Could being with David again really be this easy?
CHAPTER 31
David—July 2018
T
he waiter wheeled in a small table with a white tablecloth and set with their covered meals, water, wine bottles, and an array of glasses. David signed the bill and tipped the waiter.
Having Stella in his arms again, knowing she still loved him, was more than he had dared to hope. He couldn’t believe she was willing to grant him a second chance, and he’d be the biggest idiot in history if he blew this.
When she emerged from the bathroom, her lips were still red, but she’d fixed her ponytail and washed her face. He hated knowing he made her cry.
“Ready to eat, my angel?” With a punctilious, formal bow, and a wink, he pulled out a chair for her. The heavy cloak he’d worn for a year had been lifted off his shoulders, and he felt so much freer, lighter, happier.
“Look at this setup.” She took it all in with a big smile. “Fine china, silver domes covering the food, wine already poured. And—aww, how sweet, a single yellow rose.”
She brought the rose close to her nose, then held it out to him. “Here, smell it. It’s a lovely fragrance, not too heavy.”
He sat down opposite her and said, “It’s beautiful, but nothing compared to you.”
He watched her closely for a reaction, but she only smiled.
“The food smells delicious, too,” Stella said. “And I have to say I’m glad we decided not to eat in the restaurant.”
“Me, too, believe me,” he agreed. He touched his glass to hers and said, “To new memories.”
When they uncovered their plates, she chuckled. “You’ve got mine! Some things never change.”
He cut off a small piece of the cutlet with his fork. The breaded crust was crunchy, and the cutlet cooked to perfection. He held the fork in front of her mouth. Simply watching her eat this tiny piece of meat aroused him all over again.
She fed him a piece of the fish. “Open,” she said, and he was pretty sure she was squirming in her chair, too, when his lips closed around her fork. This could turn out to be an interesting meal.
After they swapped their plates, she said, “Okay, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.”
“That’s what you want to call him now?”
“No! Well, maybe,” she chuckled again before she turned more serious. “If we’re going to rebuild our relationship, we need to be able to see each other more often. But fact is, you’re living in London, and then you’re going to Paris, and I’m in Philadelphia.”
David nodded and put his silverware down. He reached for one of her hands, needed to touch her to reassure himself she was really sitting here with him.
“My contract in London runs till October. And I don’t have to be in Paris till mid-January. I also have a few other contractual obligations I can’t ignore. But you’re more important than anything else, Stella. I don’t have a master plan I can pull out of my hat right now, but I promise I will find a way to make this work.”
He took a bite of his herbed potatoes. “Mmm, we have to buy Herbes de Provence. Try it.” He fed it to her.
“I think I have most of the herbs in my backyard. I’ll have to look up the best way to dry and store them.” She licked her lips, and he couldn’t stop looking at her.
Danvers, you are one lucky man. Don’t screw this up again.
“About my contracts, et cetera… I had planned to go to Chicago in November and put my apartment on the market since I’m never there anymore. But why don’t I come to Philadelphia first for a few weeks, then go to Chicago for Thanksgiving, and spend Christmas and New Year’s with you?”
“I think it’s a wonderful idea. The coming to Philadelphia part, I mean. What you do with your Chicago apartment is your decision, because it’s your home. I wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do with it.”
“Oh, no. No more unilateral decisions. At least not on my side,” he said. “I’m going to include you in each and every decision from now on.”
“You said you’re finished in London in October. When, exactly?”
“End of October. Good thing I haven’t bought my ticket yet, because I’m flying to Philadelphia first to spend time with my leading lady,” he winked at her.
“Great! I’ll make sure the kitchen is stocked with your new favorite herbs,” she said, then hesitated before asking, “How long are you going to be in Paris? Another four or five months?”
“We’re performing from the middle of February to the end of March.”
“And afterward?” David could hear her hesitation, and a chill slid down his back.
“I have no plans yet. But I think it’s time to leave Europe and go back home.”
Damn right, Danvers. Keep your butt stateside, closer to your girlfriend.
“Can you see yourself going on a Broadway tour again?”
“I don’t think so. Something more permanent would be nice. I’ll get Aaron on it as soon as I’m back in London.”
He didn’t want to think about London, because it meant he had to say goodbye to Stella. But one way or another, parting was inevitable. At least they knew it was only temporary.
She set her silverware on her empty plate and wiped her mouth with a napkin. “I’m full. There’s no room for dessert right now. Good thing we didn’t or
der it right away.”
“I agree. Do you want to go for a walk?”
“Sure, why not? Walk off some of the calories,” she laughed. “And then I should think about going back.”
“Let’s walk first, then come back here for a few more minutes, maybe a cup of coffee, before I call a taxi for you,” he suggested.
“Okay. I’ll leave my purse here then. Now, where are my sandals?” her eyes roamed the room.
She used his arm to steady herself when she slipped her sandals on. “Thank you for a delicious dinner.”
With one arm, he pulled her close and kissed her. “Thank you for agreeing to have dinner with me. And for listening.”
Holding hands, they walked the short distance to the Louvre pyramid. He heard her sigh.
“What’s on your mind, love?” He couldn’t refrain from calling her all the pet names he’d stored up.
“Whenever I saw couples being happy and in love, I envied them their closeness. Now we’re one of them. Today was wonderful, David. And it’s been a relief to think of something other than the hostage situation, especially since I know if something happened, Julia or Naomi would’ve texted me.”
He heard the fear in her voice and wanted to comfort her. “I agree with you, but don’t forget, Revan is tough.”
“I know, but still…” she said, and his heart jumped when she snuggled closer.
Twilight had turned to night, and stars glittered in the dark sky. David pointed up. “There’s Polaris. I can’t tell you how many times I looked at it and wished I was with you.”
He touched her charm bracelet. “When I saw you’re still wearing this, I began to hope it wasn’t too late for us.”
Instead of answering, she rose on tiptoe and kissed him. “I never took it off.”
They took their time strolling back to his hotel. Before they entered the lobby, Stella saw the lined-up taxis and said, “I’ll grab one of those after I get my purse from your room.”
“I’m coming with you. I don’t like the idea of you being alone with a stranger who might not speak English,” he said.
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