by K. Ryan
"So now we just sit here and wait," I nodded ruefully. "This is gonna be a fun night, huh?"
Dom huffed out a laugh and that was probably the best either of us was going to be able to muster in this ridiculous scenario. I took a grateful gulp of my beer and thanked God I wasn't alone in my dorm to be tempted with that bottle of Jack.
It wasn't just the way the ATF had stirred the pot today. It was everything else too. Because for the first time in my entire life, I felt conflicted about my involvement with the club. For Isabelle, who was so good and honest and decent, to look at me with such horror, there was no stopping the knee-jerk guilt that shot up through my conscience. And for her to be almost understanding about this whole mess was almost just as bad, if not worse.
The fact that it was somehow worse for her to innately understand my commitment to the club in light of everything I'd told her made me want to tear my hair out. I'd never felt guilt like this over club business. Never questioned why we had to run guns in the first place. Never felt remorse over killing anyone for the sake of the club. I'd always just turned on auto-pilot and shut everything else off because I always knew that if I slowed down long enough to actually think about what I was doing, the guilt would eat me alive.
And now I was sitting here, wondering why I was even doing any of it in the first place. If it could land me in prison, if it could get me killed, if it could take me away from the things I wanted more than anything in my life, I just didn't know anymore.
That was it. I just didn't know.
Now, it was too quiet and my thoughts were too disturbing to sit with on my own.
"So, everything alright with Lex?" I asked Dom quietly.
Dom just shrugged. "She's not very happy. She had to drag our kid to the precinct where they pretty much told her she'd be living out of our car with Chloe if I get arrested, but I guess I can see where she's coming from with that one."
"Shit," I exhaled.
I hadn't even thought about how terrifying that must've been for Lex. I'd been so focused on taking care of my own old lady that I'd completely bypassed anything else that had happened today.
"Lex handled it okay though."
"They both did," Dom nodded to me quietly. "I think given the shit situation today, they both did pretty good, don't you think?"
I huffed out a laugh and shifted in my chair so I could dig my cigarettes out of my back pocket. Dom eyed the pack hungrily, and I put one in between my lips before holding out the pack to my drooling best friend.
"Now," I told him with a smirk. "I know I gotta quit, you know with the kid and all. Iz hasn't been on my ass about it yet, but—"
"She will be," Dom cut in warily. "Trust me, you got maybe a month. Tops. Then it's all over with."
"And until that day comes, I gotta enjoy every last one of these beautiful things while I still can. And since we've both had a shit day, probably the shittiest in a long-ass time, I think we should indulge while we still can."
Dom chewed on his bottom lip before begrudgingly sliding a cigarette out from my outstretched hand. With a knowing grin, I held out my lighter to Dom and then lit up my own. For a few moments, the difficulty of the day was almost completely behind us as Rage Against the Machine echoed from the speakers.
"Those assholes sure didn't hold anything back," I shook my head and took another long pull from my cigarette, letting the nicotine do its job. "I can only imagine the shit they're gonna try next when those agents bring them in again."
"When, not if?"
I just shook my head sadly. "You know that's exactly how it's gonna be. They're not gonna stop until they think they've found something," and then I let my thoughts get the better of me, "The worse part about all this shit is that they're kinda right, aren't they? I mean, if they ever got enough on us to put us away for awhile, everything they threatened Lex and Isabelle with isn't too far off from reality."
"I wouldn't say that to Isabelle if I were you," Dom shot back lightly, but it was hard to justify any humor in a situation like this.
"Yeah, well, I won't tell if you won't."
We grinned back at each other, but the sadness I saw in Dom's face had to have been mirrored in my own. Dom and I were pretty much in the exact same position now: if things went south with the club, it didn't just affect us anymore.
Just the thought of it, the idea of Isabelle alone in our house every single day, sleeping alone in our bed, raising our kid all by herself—I didn't know whether to vomit or put my fist through a wall. It was the most helpless feeling: knowing you had no control, no real say in anything because everything you did was dictated by someone else.
"Hey, Dom?"
"Yeah, brother?"
"Do you ever wonder if Lex would be better off without you? If she'd be happier?"
Dom's eyebrows rose deep into his forehead and he stared out into the slick grass for a few long moments. Then, exhaling through his nose, he turned back to face me with a grave expression.
"I think about that every day. Keeps me up at night sometimes," he murmured hoarsely.
"Me, too," I nodded slowly as we both stared out at the grass in front of us. The setting sun had cast shadows of purple and red splintering across the parking lot and it was easier to focus on the beauty of the scenery at our feet, rather than the ugliness of the truth in this conversation.
"Is this about what Eli said at the table? About Isabelle not being one of us?"
I shifted uncomfortably on the bench and stared at the pavement at our feet. "I guess a part of me has always wondered if maybe she'd be happier if she could've just gone to that school in Richmond and forgotten all about me."
Dom scratched his beard in thought and just shrugged. "I don't know. Lex loves me. I don't doubt that for a second, you know? So if she wants to stay, have kids and a life with me, then, I guess I'd be a jackass to try and push her away just because I'm a scared as shit asshole."
"You calling me a scared as shit asshole?" I grinned back at him half-heartedly.
"Nah," Dom laughed. "Maybe not. But you love Isabelle, right?"
I didn't even hesitate. "Absolutely."
"And you're gonna marry her. I mean, you already knocked her up, so I guess you might as well."
I huffed out a laugh and lit another cigarette, offering one to Dom, who wisely declined a second. "Yeah, bro, I'm gonna marry her."
"I figured," Dom laughed, but when he started speaking again, the seriousness seeped back into his voice. "Did you ever wonder if Isabelle thinks that maybe your life would be easier if you had an old lady who grew up in the life, like your mom or even Lex, for that matter? You wouldn't have had to explain anything to her and maybe she'd have handled things a little differently today. What if she's sitting at your house right now thinking all that, too, on top of everything else?"
Christ. This whole time I'd wondered if her life might be easier if I just disappeared from it. I'd never once considered that maybe she wondered the same. It was all so backward that I just wanted to laugh and maybe hang my head and cry like the scared as shit asshole I was.
Dom's gruff voice floated across the night air, pulling me from my depressing thoughts.
"We've got two of the best kind of woman there is: loyal, good, gorgeous, who are gonna be good mothers, and able to take on all the other shit that comes along with being with guys like us. Women like that are hard to find in this life and you know it. So I get to sleep at night thinkin' that Lex's life might be easier without me in it, but I don't really believe she would be happier. I guess that's the funny thing about being in a committed relationship. You can't be scared of it or it'll eat you alive. You have to actually let the good things happen every once and awhile. Otherwise, all you're left with is bad."
I was going to need a few days before I could even fully comprehend the weight of those words, let alone what they truly meant for me and Isabelle. I'd always felt like I was somehow on borrowed time with her. That a criminal like me had no business being with so
meone like her. Dom was right, to an extent, but how much would she really be able to put up with if she wasn't already pregnant?
And just when I thought we were finally on the other side of all this bullshit, my phone buzzed on top of the picnic table. With a frown, I snapped it open and skimmed the text Marcus just sent me.
"Shit," I exhaled.
Dom frowned back at me. "What?"
"Apparently, Becca's at my house right now."
"Shit," Dom exhaled. "But that doesn't necessarily mean—"
"Everything's good on my end," I quickly dismissed even the suggestion of what he was about to say. "Becca's the one we gotta watch."
"Yeah," Dom nodded solemnly. "I was thinkin' that too. I don't know why or how, but something has just always seemed off about her."
Now, the problem was that Becca showing up at my house cast a net of suspicion over Isabelle too. Every second that went by, every moment she spent in my house would just make the club wonder what, exactly, was so important that Becca had to speed over to talk to Isabelle within just hours of being interrogated.
"She'll do the right thing," Dom told me, as if he could read my thoughts. "As soon as Becca's out of your house, she'll do the right thing."
Part of me wondered who he was trying to convince more. If she did the right thing, her status as my old lady and as family in the MC would be solidified. Whether that was good or bad was still something I needed to work out. And if she didn't do the right thing, I couldn't think about that right now. Just the thought of what could happen, of what that could lead to, of what the club would expect me to do...
Luckily, one beer and ten minutes later, I got the call. With Dom hanging on every word next to me, I listened as Isabelle related the details of Becca's visit and all signs pointed to what I'd already known.
Now I had the proof. Now I could breathe. Now I could shove aside that tiny, nagging feeling that maybe I didn't know Isabelle as well as I thought I did. Thank fucking Christ.
And just as I was about to text Marcus back that I'd heard from Isabelle, another incoming text from him nearly sent the beer in my free hand plummeting right into the pavement.
"What?" Dom asked next to me.
All I had to do was show Dom the text and he swore under his breath.
"Yeah," I nodded grimly. "I think we'd better get our asses back inside the chapel."
. . .
When I shut door from the garage behind me a couple hours later, I tiptoed through the kitchen and kicked off my shoes. It was well past two in the morning and hell, after the day she'd had, Isabelle had better be sleeping. I couldn't remember when a day had felt this long, like it had somehow compacted weeks, even months into a full 24 hours, but right about now, I wanted nothing more than to just curl up into my bed with Isabelle and pass out.
But as I shuffled into the living room, fully prepared to peel off my clothes with every step so I was that much closer to falling into our bed, I found Isabelle already passed out, but on the couch. Careful not to wake her, I gently set my cut down over the side of the couch and padded around to her. A smile tugged across my lips when I got a better look at the book sprawled out on her chest and gently pulled the baby name book out from under her hands.
I glanced at the page she'd had open and grinned. She'd only circled one name, but she'd circled it three times and put a few stars next to it, too.
Ava.
That kinda had a nice ring to it. Short. Sweet, yet sophisticated. Ava Sawyer. Yeah, I liked the sound of that.
"Hey," a sleepy voice grumbled. "Give that back, jerk. I wasn't done with it yet."
I grinned down at her and held up the page. "Ava, huh?"
She yawned and stretched her arms over her head. "Mmm hmm. I was trying to think of girl names, because it's gonna be a girl, but you already knew that. Anyway, I was trying to come up with some that would work for her when she's little and when she's older, too."
"I like it," I nodded and crouched down so I could kiss her. "It's pretty. But you know, if it's a boy—and I said if—I think we should name him Connor. Keep it in the family, you know?"
"Yeah," she smiled. "I think so too."
I reached out for her hand so I could gently pull her off the couch and walk her down the hallway. With one hand at her waist and the other splayed protectively over her stomach, I leaned in to brush my lips against her neck. She shivered a little and I felt her body relax under my touch.
She leaned into my chest and inhaled deeply. "You smell like smoke, Caleb."
Jesus, she really didn't waste any time. One month, my ass.
"Uh yeah, Dom and me might've blown off a little steam, so to speak, while we were waiting for all this shit to resolve itself."
She shifted around to face me, one eyebrow arched slyly and I knew my days as a smoker were now officially numbered. So in an effort to just get this over with already, I beat her to the punch.
"I'm gonna quit, Iz. I promise."
She didn't look any more convinced than I felt. "When?"
"I'll start tomorrow if that's what you want," I just shrugged. "I'm not gonna do cold turkey or anything because that would suck balls. Dom did the patch and the gum before Chloe was born, so I'll give that a try."
"That's good," Isabelle nodded warily and it was clear she still wasn't completely convinced. "Because you know you can't just step outside for a cigarette and then come back in the house and go anywhere near the baby."
"Wow," I laughed. "We're barely three months into this thing and you're already sharpening your mama bear claws."
Her eyebrows lifted in amusement and a grin tugged across her lips. "And that's a bad thing?"
"Absolutely not, Iz. And, just so we're clear, when you're at school tomorrow, I'll grab some patches and a box of that nicotine gum on my way to the clubhouse."
That seemed to be enough for her and she turned back around in my arms to lean back against my chest again. Even with the lights off, even with her nestled against my chest in our bed, it didn't feel like this was going to get any easier.
"You did the right thing," I started softly, tightening my arms around her as I murmured into her hair. "You know that, don't you?"
She nodded wordlessly and maybe it was for the best that I just did all the talking right now.
"If there was ever any doubt about where your loyalties lie, that's gone now. You took care of that. And Becca...I don't know how to tell you this, Iz, so I'm just gonna come out and say it. After she left our house, literally right after, Casey tailed her to The Sundown Saloon."
Isabelle's head shot off my chest and even in the darkness, I could still make out her wide, terrified blue eyes shining back at me.
"He followed her inside," I went on. "He didn't have to wait too long before she was in a back corner with some guy, buying an eight-ball from him."
"Eight-ball as in..."
I nodded into her hair. "Coke."
She fell back against her pillow and her hands immediately shot up to her head almost as if she was tearing at her hair in disbelief. All she could do was shake her head and run a hand over her face. I guess that was probably as good a reaction as any to finding out your best friend was a closet junkie.
"I knew it," Isabelle whispered. "When she came over here tonight, something was just off with her, you know? The shaking, the twitching, and her eyes were so dilated it was freaky. I just never thought about it. All those times I was pissed at her for ditching me at the clubhouse when she was holed up in the bathroom, it makes a lot of sense now."
I froze, my eyes going wide. "She's been doing that shit at the clubhouse? In our goddamn bathroom? How long has this been going on, Iz?"
She blew out a breath and lifted a shoulder against my chest. "To be completely honest with you, probably since the first time I came to the clubhouse back in September, I think."
"Jesus."
"I never thought anything of it, you know? I think I was more annoyed she was leaving me alone in the c
lubhouse than anything. Well, at least at the beginning. Everything else—all the weird things she's been doing, I never really put it all together until tonight."
Becca was either desperate as shit or had a goddamn death wish to do something that reckless and that careless tonight of all nights.
"What's gonna happen to her, Caleb?"
The fear in her voice made my chest twist a little, but there was nothing I could do to reassure her, nothing I could do to save her best friend, especially since it looked like her best friend didn't really want to be saved.
"We'll tail her, just like we did tonight. We'll watch her. She really hasn't done anything yet, at least not anything we know about. And let's face it, if you and Eli cut ties with her right now, all that's gonna do is freak her out and send her right to the ATF either out of fear or retaliation."
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, I guess, huh?"
I nodded into her hair. "Something like that, yeah."
"And if she talks to them, what happens then?"
She had to have already known the answer to that before she asked it. Maybe she just needed to hear the words. Maybe she was looking for hope where there was none.
"I don't think she'll get far enough to actually give them something, Iz. We won't let that happen. We'll be too close for her to get into a meeting with them without us getting to her first."
"And if she does get into a meeting with them?"
I sighed and ran my free hand over my face. I didn't like having to say it out loud, but she needed to hear it. "Then she'd better hope they get her into an airtight witness protection program."
She shuddered a little against my chest and I wrapped both arms around her to pull her in even tighter. We were lying here, basically discussing her best friend's imminent punishment in the middle of the night with our arms wrapped around each other and Isabelle wasn't running from me. She wasn't screaming at me either. It was almost as if she'd already known the truth and come to terms with it long before I ever got home tonight.