Okay. That was turning me on….
“Really?”
“Yes,” he mumbled, kissing his way back up my body, maybe mindful that I’d told him to hurry. “It would’ve lasted a hot minute, too. Lucky for you, you waited for me…” He kissed my breasts quickly, sucking each nipple into his mouth, rolling it around with his tongue, making me gasp and pretty much fucking purr.
“Yeah,” I gushed, “…lucky for me, you learned a few moves over the years.”
“You saying I’m good in bed?” He licked his lip, gazing down at me. As he braced himself above me, he smoothed his cock over my pussy, making me shiver.
“You’re okay,” I lied.
He thrust into me and I cried out, an ecstatic, ragged, feral sound. He clamped his hand over my mouth. “Shh,” he whispered. “Wouldn’t want your parents to hear how lousy I am in bed.”
Then he got serious, spreading my thighs and pounding into me. And his face changed. Got all focused and lusty and sexy as fuck… those smoky eyes… those soft, bitable lips…
I hadn’t always loved getting pounded. Depended on the guy. Depended on the sex. Depended on my mood. But Seth… Seth was different. I wanted him to pound me. I wanted to feel his desire for me, unrestrained.
But it was hard to get him to unleash like that, no matter how hot and bothered he was. He was worried about hurting me; I could tell.
Even now, as he drove me into the bed, as we enacted this fantasy of his, he didn’t get that single-minded about it. He kept throwing in a fucking delicious hip roll at the end, rubbing every part of him that I needed against every part of me that needed it, making me clench and shiver and groan, all the while driving me closer to exactly where he wanted me…
In ecstasy.
“Do you wanna come…?” he asked me when I was almost there, eyes locked on mine. Maybe he was remembering what I’d said to him yesterday, about him taking control of my orgasms…
“Make me,” I breathed.
So he did. He took my hands and lifted them high above my head, pinning me to the bed. And his hips… He swiveled them up into me, hard, and I was helpless to stop it. He hit every sensitive place inside me… hard, slow, and over and over…. Until I was crying out, biting his neck to smother my own voice. I came, my body roiling, bucking against him as he held me down.
He kissed me, thrusting his tongue in my mouth to muffle my cries.
Then he was coming with me. I felt him stiffen, his muscles straining as he buried himself in me, and I savored it. The waves of his ecstasy; when I closed my eyes, I could practically feel them, crashing through him, as he shuddered against me.
Afterwards, I drew away, shakily, pretending like I needed the space to fix my clothes. To get up and fix my hair and makeup in the vanity mirror so no one would know what we’d just done in here. We were dinner guests, after all. It would be rude to carry on any longer than we already had.
Seth followed me in silence out into the hall. He didn’t try to touch me again. Maybe he knew I wouldn’t want him to, in front of anyone. That I couldn’t yet allow anyone to know about us.
That even though there was a powerful, undeniable connection forming between us, there was still resistance in me. A clock, ticking endlessly in the back of my mind.
When we said goodbye to my family, Angie accused me quietly, “Are you in love again?”
I answered by pulling her to me and hugging her tight.
She gave me a look of mild disapproval—for what, I wasn’t sure. Disapproval that I was falling for someone again? Disapproval that I was trying to kid myself—and her—about the fact? But I didn’t let her get another word in. I caught Seth’s hand and drew him away, over to our car, where Flynn was waiting for us.
As we drove away, I still didn’t say a word to Seth. I knew I was playing it cool; too cool. I was treating this like it was a temporary thing. Like once the album, or whatever the fuck we were really doing in my studio, was done, we’d go our separate ways—I’d go into the recording studio with Dirty and our new guitarist, and then on the road with my band.
And this would be over.
“You’re family is… great.”
I looked at Seth’s face; his words had been deeply sincere. His eyes were gleaming with some emotion I couldn’t identify.
I looked away before he could read the emotions in mine. Any of them. Because when we were alone, I was afraid I was letting them show.
Worse, when our clothes came off… when Seth touched me, kissed me, held me… when he was inside me… my body told us both the truth.
That this was about so much more than music.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Elle
I couldn’t hold Summer off any longer.
Ever since I’d returned from Hawaii, she’d been threatening to throw me that party she’d mentioned—the one swarming with available men, for me. And every time I refused to admit that there was anything going on between me and Seth, she’d threatened to send someone—muscular and attractive, of course—to drag me out of my house and over to party central, in other words, her place.
But she never actually did it.
She’d also texted me such comments as What r u waiting for? Accompanied, usually, by drool-inducing pictures of a dreamy, angsty, baby-faced Seth, twenty years old, gazing soulfully at the camera; early Dirty promo photos, scavenged from the internet. Along with such hashtags as #cockgoals.
Somehow, I’d managed to appease her by telling her Seth and I were “talking things through” and “figuring things out.” Of course, she’d wanted to know what kinds of “things” I was referring to, but it was just enough to satisfy her that something was going on, even if I wouldn’t talk to her about it yet.
When she called today—my day off, between auditions—I finally accepted her invitation, though. In part, so I wouldn’t have to be alone with Seth, or my thoughts.
A party would be the perfect distraction, right?
I was so bent on distracting myself from my I-don’t-know-what-the-fuck-to-do-about-these-feelings daze, it didn’t even occur to me that Ash might be at the party, too.
Of course, he was. I saw him as soon as Seth and I stepped in the door.
I’d been worried, on the way over, about how Seth might be received. What people might think of him, and of us being together. If Summer’s friends would be welcoming to him.
But as it turned out, I really didn’t need to worry about that.
As we walked into Summer’s modern, sprawling house on Arbutus Ridge with its epic city views—a quintessential party house, operating something like a free bed-and-breakfast for all her friends, and currently populated by a few dozen carefully-selected guests, many of them beautiful men—it quickly became clear that Seth knew as many people here as I did.
Likely, Summer had known he would.
I knew the Dirty crowd wouldn’t be here. Summer knew the guys in the band, but it just wasn’t that kind of party. It was a party for me; an excuse to entice me out of my house and allegedly meet men. Summer knew me well enough to know I’d bring Seth if I was serious about him, to give her the message that I wasn’t looking to get fixed up. That I wasn’t looking to hook up with anyone, because yes, I was—unofficially—hooked up with Seth… even if I didn’t yet want to say so.
But none of that would keep her from inviting Ash.
Actually, I couldn’t think of a single thing on Earth that would keep her from welcoming Ash at any of her parties, if he was in town. Which, apparently, he was.
Glaring at me from across Summer’s living room, to be exact.
It was early yet, the party deliciously chill as people sat in small groups on the clusters of party-ready furniture or mingled, sipping cocktails, chatting and laughing. A sumptuous remix of Ella Fitzgerald’s “Wait till You See Him” was playing; classy, sexy, and so fitting that I had to wonder if Summer had cued the song just for my entrance with Seth. I definitely wouldn’t put it past her.
She was quick to swoop in and kiss me on the cheek—and steal Seth from me with a sly wink, steering him away into the crowd to show him off.
As soon as I’d lost him, Ash stalked over; Seth’s popularity was just the opportunity he needed to pull me aside. He nudged me into an empty hallway and lit right into me.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“That’s none of your business,” I told him, calmly. Clearly, he’d seen Seth and I arrive together. Maybe he’d even seen me holding Seth’s hand when we walked in.
“We’ve been friends a long time, Elle. That’s how you want to play it?”
I said nothing, but it wouldn’t have mattered; he was already talking again anyway.
“What about your band? They know you’re here right now, with him?”
“It’s none of their business, either,” I told him. “Dirty doesn’t own me.” But the truth was, I was scared. Scared of them finding out and being pissed. I looked straight in Ash’s blue eyes. “And if you say anything, Ash…”
“I’m not gonna say shit. But you know you gotta talk to Dylan. He’d fucking tell you.”
He was right, and I hated that he was right about this.
“Yeah, and I’ll tell him when I’m ready.”
Ash stared at me. “This is bullshit.” He looked me over, slowly, from head to toe. I was wearing a short, tight, electric-blue dress, a date-night dress, and his eyes were all over it. He shook his head.
Then he turned suddenly and started to stalk away.
“We are friends, Ash,” I called after him.
He stopped and turned back to look at me.
I sighed. “Please, don’t be pissed at me.”
After all the stress with Jesse over the last year-and-a-half, I really couldn’t take it. It was one thing to blow Ash off over the phone, from miles away. It was another to see that look on his face.
His eyes held mine for a heartbeat, dark eyebrows furling together. “I’m not pissed, Elle,” he said, his voice low and rough. Then he walked away.
I hadn’t even made it out of the hallway when Summer mowed me down. She grabbed me and yanked me into a bedroom, shutting the door.
“Holy shit,” she said. “You did it. You slept with him.” She was staring at my face, and she was expecting an answer. She hardly needed one. I knew she could read the truth in my eyes.
“Yeah. I slept with him. Repeatedly, okay?”
She backed off a bit, taking that in. “Wow.”
“Wow, what?”
“I’m just… surprised.” She was still studying me, reading my face, my body language. It was unnerving.
“About what? You knew I was gonna sleep with him. You called it from day one.”
“Yeah, but… I didn’t expect this.”
“Expect what?”
Her pale blue eyes narrowed as she examined my bare legs. She crossed her arms under her chest; she was wearing a sleeveless black jumpsuit tonight, with a keyhole in the front that revealed a perfect swell of cleavage. She’d cut long bangs that framed her face, side-swept, with loose waves; kind of like Jacklyn Smith in Charlie’s Angels. She looked amazingly put-together, and I felt oddly like a total fucking mess standing here in her sight.
Why the hell did I come out tonight?
“You’re very defensive about him,” she noted. “And you wear shorter skirts than usual when he’s around. Like… way short.”
“Why wouldn’t I be defensive? Some of my closest friends think he’s a fucking asshole, and I don’t, okay?”
“Okay.” She stared at me.
I stared right back. “What? Just say it, okay? Whatever it is you’re thinking.”
“I’m just thinking…” Her pretty face crumpled a bit as she frowned. “I’m a bit concerned.”
“About what?”
“Elle. You’re fucking crazy about him.”
“So?” I almost shouted. “So what if I am?”
“It’s just… so fast. I mean, you really want to blow up your entire life over this?”
“No, but—”
“Ash is wounded, you know.”
And that’s when it really got through to me. That Ash really wasn’t pissed.
He was hurt.
“I just… I didn’t realize his feelings for me were so… serious,” I said. It was lame. I knew that once the words were out of my mouth. But I really didn’t realize. “I’ll do what I can to soften the blow, okay? Maybe I wasn’t all that… sympathetic. I mean, I know what rejection feels like. I just have a really hard time believing Ash feels that way about me.”
“Maybe you just don’t want to believe it,” Summer said.
I crossed my arms, mirroring her stance. But she was right, maybe.
“I know you don’t want to hurt anyone—much less a friend—that way,” she said. “And he might be all prickly on the surface with all the piercings and the ink and the smoldering eyes, but trust me, Ashley has feelings.”
Oh, God. This sucked.
I never meant to hurt Ash. He was never supposed to actually fall for me.
Where did Ashley Player get off falling for me?
“Okay,” I said. “I get it. He has feelings, and I hurt them. I’ll kiss his wounds and make it better. I didn’t mean to hurt him.”
“Okay. Great. Now what about Dirty?”
“What about Dirty?” I fired back.
“Elle. You can’t possibly have missed the fact that you’re hurting your band. Dylan. Jesse—”
“Yeah. God forbid I hurt Jesse,” I said, exasperated. “What the fuck does Jesse have to do with this?”
She held her manicured hands up in surrender. “Hey, don’t shit on the messenger, okay? All I’m saying is… they love you. They need you. And you’re kinda shutting them out. Just like you did with Ash. Leaving them all in limbo, worried if they’re gonna lose you.”
“What? Who said that?”
“Dylan. That’s what he said to Ash, and Ash told me.”
Fuck.
Not good.
I did not want to leave them all worried about that. Of all things… I was not planning to leave Dirty.
“I just… I don’t know,” I told her, shaking my head. I did not know how to deal with all of this. Seth. The band. Brody. Ash. “I just don’t know how to talk to them. They hate him, and I don’t know how to make them see the truth.”
“What is the truth?”
“That he’s… he’s not what they think.”
I felt the tears flooding my eyes, and Summer saw them. She looked a little stunned, actually, her blue eyes widening. I rarely cried, and I’d never broken down in tears over a man in her presence… other than when Jesse broke up with me.
“Your hair looks amazing, by the way,” I offered with a sniffle.
“Elle…”
“It feels like I’m splitting right down the middle,” I told her. “Me on one side, with Seth, but no one knows I’m with him, and if they knew… God, I can’t even imagine it. Jesse on the other side with Brody, and Jessa… I don’t even know. She’s probably caught somewhere in the middle, if you ask her, but the guys have her firmly shoved behind them like a wall of stubborn. Dylan’s in the middle for sure… or maybe somewhere on my side. I mean, he’s usually on my side, but I don’t know. I haven’t even talked to him about it yet. He’s gonna hate it, for sure, because he’ll feel caught in the middle. And then there’s Zane, somewhere out in left field. You never know what the fuck that guy’s gonna say or do. He could say he wants Seth back right now, but I don’t know if that’s because he really wants Seth or he just wants to be a thorn up Jesse’s ass.”
“You really think Zane would do that? When it comes to something as important as the band?”
“I don’t know… I just don’t know. It’s only been a couple of weeks and I’m already so stressed out about it. I don’t like hiding shit from the guys and lying to them.”
“You’re not lying. You just haven’t told them you’re making music wit
h Seth or that you’re sleeping with him. And really, how much of that is their business?” I could feel her coming around, wanting to protect me now, defend me. But it only made me feel worse.
The tears wobbled in my eyes, threatening to fall, and I swiped them away. “They have a right to know what I’m doing, musically. They would tell me what they’re doing.”
“So tell them.”
“I can’t.”
“Have you talked to Jesse? If things are that bad between you, maybe you should—”
“They’re really not,” I said. “It’s not even about me and him.”
“Okay…” Summer said, processing everything. “So then… are you really worried about hurting Dirty? Or hurting Seth?”
I didn’t even want to answer that. The truth was, I was afraid I was going to hurt them both, and I fucking hated it.
“I know he wants Dirty back,” I said. “He won’t even admit to me how much he wants it, because I know he’s afraid he’ll never have it. He pretends like he’s okay with it, but I know he’s not.”
“Maybe he feels the same way about you.”
“Oh, God. I have to sit down.” I sank onto the bed.
Summer came to sit beside me. We were in one of her spare bedrooms, where some of her party guests would probably crash tonight. Maybe Ash would sleep here tonight, and if so, he probably wouldn’t be alone. And it didn’t even bother me—at all.
The thought of Seth, though, hooking up with someone else… it killed me.
I could not even imagine letting him go. Losing him from my life again. Not knowing where he was or what he was doing. Not knowing him.
The sad truth was that getting to know him, again, had made me happier than I’d felt in almost two years.
“He’s a good guy, Elle,” Summer said. “I’ve always known that about Seth. But good isn’t good enough, alright?”
I looked at her.
“You’re solid gold, babe,” she said. “Platinum. And I’ve seen you put up with a lot of second-rate shit. If Seth really wants you, no matter what happens with the band, he better put his back into it.”
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