“No, you’re not. You’re lying through your teeth.”
But sadness hits me the second I realize today’s date. A cowboy is a freak of nature. We can hold in a lot of pain. We never complain because that’s not the way Dad raised us. We allow the pain to stew and stay inside us for a long time, fester and spread like a cancer to the most vulnerable spots in our bodies, like the heart. But we have a gift, a special talent. The heart is also a muscle, and if used correctly, it can lock up a whole lot of shit.
“September 1.” My words are barely audible.
Tess turns to me, buries her eyes into mine, searches for answers that might make her heart unfeel what’s going through her head right now. Answers that I don’t have because I haven’t been able to find my own. Her bottom lip quivers, but she doesn’t say anything.
I want to tell Tess this is exactly what I was scared of—her heart breaking into a million pieces, full of regret, and longing, and what-ifs.
I give her the only answer I have. The one I want to believe. The one I think about every single day. “He’s fine, Tess.”
She nods and bites her bottom lip and stares at me, as if willing herself to believe what I said is truth.
Sometimes, people make decisions for the moment. Sometimes, they make decisions where the outcome will be okay for just now.
“Do you have regrets?” she asks.
I squeeze her elbow, hoping she won’t feel my heart shatter when I nod.
Tess’s eyes fill with tears again. Slowly, she steps away, and my hand unwillingly lets go of her elbow.
What I didn’t say eight years ago are words I wish I had said. I gave her the answers I thought she wanted to hear, and I’ve held that in for a long time. Managed to bury it deep. Like a dark, hidden secret that nobody knows, you carry it around with you like a cross you bear. Shame. Your conscience gnaws at your soul while you sleep and while you’re awake.
I watch her make her way to her car. I want to make this better, but I know I can’t. I can only imagine what the Morgans would think of me after they found out what we did that night. They hate our family now—just wait until this secret is out of the bag.
Waiting outside the truck, I open up the text message that Tess sent me.
Tess: Sometimes, it’s easier to blame the scapegoat.
I respond.
Me: I’ll be the scapegoat for as long as you need.
I hit Send.
Colt comes outside with an empty box.
“What happened?” I ask as I shove my phone in my front pocket.
“Anna’s going to keep the fox for observation and then call the wildlife refuge from up north.”
We hop in the truck and head back to the ranch.
“Did Tess say anything? She okay?” Colt asks as he stares out the windshield.
“Yeah, she’s fine,” I lie because nobody knows what happened that night, and I’m not sure Tess wants anyone to know.
4
Tess
“Hey, Tess. It’s Twila. Per Ike Isner’s estate, there’s a certified letter that I need to give you. I can drop by today if that works for your schedule.”
Ike? Why?
“Why would Ike have written a letter to me?”
“We can discuss this when I drop off the letter.”
“I can come by the office if that’s easier for you.” Turns out, I don’t have a lot going these days. I wallow in self-pity only momentarily.
“That will be great. When’s a good time for you?”
“Now?”
“Sure, now works.”
Turning the car around, I drive back to Main Street and park in front of her office. The bell jingles as I walk in.
“Hey, Tess,” Twila says in her twill pencil skirt from the door of her office.
Twila has a job. One that pays well. She has a purpose in her life.
Get over it already, Tess, I tell myself.
“Come on in.” She motions me to her office and sits behind her big, lawyerly mahogany desk as I grow smaller by the second, my ego being stepped on by her cute red heels.
From across the desk, she hands me a manila envelope, and in black cursive, it says, Tess Morgan.
I’m hesitant to reach for the letter. Once I touch it, it’s mine, and whatever is in that letter, I’ll have knowledge of, and I’ll never be able to play ignorance or unsee what I’ve read.
“I’m sorry, Twila. I’m sure you understand my confusion. I mean, I knew Ike. Great man. But why would he have written me a letter?” Reluctantly, I take the manila envelope.
Something bulky is in with the letter too.
What about Michael? I want to ask about Ike’s son. Shouldn’t he know something about this letter, be here, just in case, as I’m sure he’s the executor of Ike’s will?
“Call me once you’ve opened the letter, and we’ll make arrangements.”
“Arrangements?”
Twila laughs. “Take a breath, Tess. While I don’t know what exactly he wrote in the letter, I am well aware of his assets. What’s in the envelope isn’t bad. Okay?”
Anna and I sit at the table. Colt is at the counter.
The manila envelope rests in the middle of their dining room table.
Bones and Tupac are sprawled out on the kitchen floor, unaware of the tabby cat sitting outside the kitchen window, staring down at them.
Bones and Tupac were a big help when Gypsy, my dog, passed away. Just being in their presence gave my heart solace.
“It can’t be bad, right?” Anna asks. “I mean, it could be. But it’s probably not.”
“I’m not sure what could go more wrong right now, honestly.”
My supportive friend gives me a nudge. “You’ll get back up, Tess. You always do.”
“Maybe it’s the key to his Shelby Mustang he has in his garage,” Colt says.
“Why would he give her his Shelby? Why not give that to his son?” Anna looks back at Colt.
Colt nods, crossing his arms. “Good point.”
I hold the manila envelope up to the natural light of the room for another inspection. “I should just open it.” I look to Anna and Colt for reassurance.
“Open it.” Anna puts her hand on mine. “Whatever it is, it will be fine.”
I take in a deep breath, push my hair behind my ears, and begin to tear at the opening. I pull out a single piece of white paper with cursive writing in black ink and a set of keys. I put them on the table and begin reading the letter.
Dear Tess,
I was raised in a community where forgiveness is the cornerstone to happiness.
Here are the keys to our place in Ketchikan, Alaska. Twila will give you the details once you’ve accepted the house.
It’s yours.
It might need some fixing up, but if you can do the work and sell it, then the money is yours.
Sometimes, you’ve got to find the healing in order to mend the bridges.
Best,
Ike
I look up from the letter as shock registers on my face.
Colt drops his head. “You’re killing us, Tess. What does the letter say?”
I can’t speak because I’m not sure what to say.
Handing the letter to Anna to read, I take the keys in my hand and ask, “Why?”
Anna reads the letter aloud.
I listen to the words just so I can be sure I read it correctly. That’s what I used to tell my students. Read it once quietly to yourself and then read it out aloud.
Anna finishes, and her eyes move from me to Colt and back to me. “Looks like you’re going to Ketchikan.” She hands the letter back to me.
I laugh but when I realize she’s serious, I say, “Anna, I can’t go to Ketchikan. I have a life here.”
Her hand falls on top of mine. “Look, I’m going to be brutally honest here, and I’m doing this purely out of love.” She’s still for a moment. “You lost your job. You’ve left Dillon Creek for small snippets of life, but, Tess, this … this is the
perfect time to go.”
With an impatient huff, I read the letter again. Fixing up? What does that even mean?
“I can’t do this. I mean, winter. Winter is coming.” I drop the letter. “Winter in Alaska? Are you out of your mind?” Uncertainty sits in my stomach.
Anna tightens her grip on my hand. “Have faith.”
I laugh. Really, it starts out as a giggle and then turns into a full-blown belly laugh.
Colt and Anna smile but only because I’m laughing hysterically out of fear.
I stop abruptly. “So, I’m supposed to go to Alaska. Fix a place up. And sell it.”
Anna looks at the letter once more. Meets my gaze again. “Yeah, that’s what the letter says.” She doesn’t mention the part in the letter that says once I accept the house.
Shaking my head, I pick up the letter again. “I can’t do this. This isn’t a good time.”
“Why?” Colt asks.
I turn back to Colt. “Now, you too? Remind me to start cheering for a different NBA team.”
Colt chuckles.
“I can’t just up and leave my responsibilities in Dillon Creek.”
Anna and Colt exchange glances.
“What responsibilities?” Anna asks.
“My house.”
“We will make sure it’s taken care of,” Colt says.
“Traitor. What about my job at the bar?”
This time, Anna laughs. “You’re filling in, Tess. I’m sure The Whiskey Barrel can manage without you. They have for years.”
I bite the inside of my cheek. “But why did Ike pick me?”
“Stop asking why but rather ask yourself, Why not me? You know, most people would have flipped the hell out. Have you seen Ketchikan, Alaska, T?” Colt asks as he types on his phone. “See?” He shows me a picture.
“They’re going to show you all the pretty parts of the place online, Colt. They won’t show you the ugly parts.” My tone is sharp. “I just can’t. I’m going to go to Twila and decline the offer.”
“Sleep on it, would you? Sleep on it first and decide tomorrow,” Anna pleads.
Pulling the covers over my head, I allow my mind to drift to the proposition that I’ve been offered.
What about bears?
What about the winter?
What about it being dark all winter long?
But what about the northern lights?
What about someplace different for once?
What about a break from Mom and Dad?
What about leaving Tripp’s memory here?
What about me?
I grab my phone from the nightstand and Google Ketchikan, Alaska. I hit the button called images.
It’s right on the water.
That’s pretty, but there are places like this all over, where winter isn’t so bad.
Rich, native culture.
Definitely a plus.
I watch a video of humpback whales migrating through Ketchikan.
I don’t see that every day.
Average snowfall is ninety inches a year.
Oh, that’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be.
Rain to locals in Ketchikan is known as liquid sunshine.
That’s cute. Dillon Creek averages about one hundred inches of rain per year.
I scroll through pictures of Ketchikan, watching an occasional video or two, read a few travel blogs, follow destinations on Instagram, and like Facebook pages based in Ketchikan. A small fishing resort called Salmon Falls looks like it has great burgers. I make a mental note—I mean, just in case.
It’s one o’clock in the morning before I put my phone on my nightstand and push the covers from my body because all of a sudden, I’m on fire with anxiousness.
What do I have going in Dillon Creek? I quietly ask myself in the stillness of night.
The clock in the living room ticks the seconds away.
What if this is a good move?
If I don’t like it, it’s only temporary after all.
It would give me some extra money if I can sell the place.
I don’t know the first thing about fixing up a house or selling a house.
But I could learn.
What if this is all about the process?
What if I am supposed to go to Ketchikan?
I’m on my way uptown to Twila’s office this morning to give her back the keys and turn down Ike’s proposal. I don’t know what I was thinking, trying to convince myself that moving to Ketchikan—even if temporarily—might be a good idea. I can’t just uproot my life from Dillon Creek. I’ll apply for teaching jobs in Eureka, Fortuna, or Hydesville. I’ll get my feet back under me.
It’s far more realistic than moving to Alaska. I laugh at myself for even considering the thought.
“Come on in, Tess,” Twila says.
I follow her into her office, sit down on the chair in front of her desk, and push the envelope toward her. “I can’t accept Ike’s offer.”
“I was afraid of this.”
“I’m sorry?”
Twila sighs. “Leigh, bring in the contract,” she calls.
Leigh comes in with a small stack of papers and hands them to Twila. “Hey, Tess.”
“Hey, Leigh.”
“In Ike’s will, he stated to sell the property to the highest bidder if you and the other party did not accept his gift.”
“Other party? Who’s the other party?”
“I’m sorry. I cannot disclose that information to you.”
Questions begin to spin in my mind. “Did the other party decline as well?”
“That I cannot disclose either,” she sighs. “Are … are you sure you’d like to decline the offer, Tess?”
“Do you have a bidder yet?”
Twila shrugs. “We have feelers out.”
“Who?”
“I can’t say.”
“Are you guys allowed to talk about anything?”
“Not really.”
Twila leans forward and is methodical with her words. “Let’s just say, if it goes to who we think it will, they’ll most likely tear down the house and build condominiums.”
“Oh.”
This is for the best, I try to convince myself.
I don’t know the first thing about Alaska. I don’t know the first thing about fixing up a house. I mean, will the changes be cosmetic? Do we have to tear down and rebuild? It’s September, for God’s sake. We’re going into fall and then winter. And with all the rain Ketchikan gets, there’s no way we can do this before winter. And what money do I have to do all this work if it’s needed? I can’t blow my life savings. This is an awful idea.
But is it worth the look?
No.
Is it worth the time?
Probably not.
It’s not my problem if it goes to a corporation. I don’t owe the people of Ketchikan anything. I haven’t met a single soul in my life who has lived there but Ike.
Twila takes the envelope from her desk and puts it in a drawer. “I’m really sorry things didn’t work out, Tess.” She prints out another piece of paper and slides it across the desk. “I just need you to sign this, declining the gift, so we can move forward.”
I stare down at the piece of paper in front of me.
Twila’s phone starts to ring. “Can you hold on?”
“Sure.”
Twila starts to talk to the person on the other end of the line.
What do you have to lose, Tess? You can always come home if it doesn’t work out.
But what if it doesn’t work out? I’ll have failed.
My heart starts to slam against my chest. If I sign this piece of paper, there’s no going back. Things will be final.
Will I spend my life in regret? Wondering what could have happened with the house in Ketchikan? Is Ike trying to tell me something? And if he is, I’ll never know because I’m too stuck in fear to take the leap of faith.
It’s safer, Tess. It’s the safer decision to stay home and go about your lif
e.
“I want the house,” slips through my lips before I have the next thought.
“Can you hold on just a moment, Rick?” Twila covers the phone. “What did you say?”
“I want the house.” A pit of fear starts in my stomach.
A grin spreads across Twila’s face. “I’m sorry, Rick. There’s been a change in plans.”
Twila hangs up the phone, her eyes full of excitement. “Let’s get the paperwork started.”
“I won’t even have a car there, Anna,” I say into my phone. “Oh my goodness, I need a paper bag to breathe into.” I pace outside Twila’s office. It would have been easier to decline all this. “Shit.”
Anna’s voice is calm. “You did the right thing, Tess. Leave Dillon Creek even if it’s just for a bit. Clear your head. I see this as an opportunity of a lifetime. I mean, think about it. What person is gifted a house in one of the most beautiful places in the world?”
Anna’s words make me start to feel a little excited inside. She could be right.
“When are you leaving?”
“I … I don’t know. I suppose sooner than later. Winter is coming.”
“I’m so jealous.”
I fidget with a hangnail. “I guess I should book a plane ticket.”
“Why don’t you take the jet?” Anna says. “It’s at Rohnerville Airport.”
“No, I couldn’t ask that of you guys. I’ll fly commercial.”
Anna sighs into the phone. “Would you stop? Besides, Colt and I feel semi-responsible for helping you with this decision.”
“And if it all goes south, I’m blaming you two!”
We both laugh, and then the line grows silent.
I whisper, “Anna, am I making the right choice?”
“Without a doubt, Tess.”
I nod into the phone and look down Main Street, my home for the past twenty-seven years.
But maybe Anna’s right. Maybe I need something different, and maybe, just maybe, this is my opportunity.
5
Casey
“Heard Tess left for Ketchikan, Alaska, this morning,” Colt says as we eat at The Rusty Nail.
“I heard.” Ice runs through my veins, and my jaw tightens.
Saving Tess Page 4